124. A Grave Mistake

A Grave Mistake

[A peaceful night at the Royal Woods Cemetery, Lucy and Fangs are running.]

Lucy: [Panting] Hurry, Fangs. We're gonna be late.

Bertrand: [Smacks a skull gavel] Good evening fellow members of the Morticians Club, I've called this meeting because I have, terrible news. [The Morticians Club reflect on this, just as Lucy takes her seat.] Oh, no, no, no, no, in this case the terrible news is nothing to be excited about; My father accepted a job as a lifeguard on the S.S. Fun Times Party Cruise. [Boris plays something on his keyboard.] And since I can not legally separate from them, [Boris plays again] I must move with my suntanned family. [Boris plays again, and the club reflects on this tragic event.] Thank you dear friends, but please, dwell not on my misfortune, instead let us focus on more important matters. [Brief moment of silence, and Bertrand clear his throat, trying to get Boris' attention. Boris sees this and plays his piano again.] Try and keep up Boris. More important matters like... Who will replace me as president?

Everyone: Gasp.

[Fangs makes a gesture to Lucy.]

YOU GOT THIS

[Lucy gives an "Oh stop" motion to Fangs.]

PSH SHAW

Bertrand: I have however already chosen my successor, [Lucy and Fangs get excited.] I really think she's earned it, [Lucy and Fangs get more excited.] so please welcome our new president... [Lucy gets up] Haiku. [Haiku squeals in excitement and goes up to the podium, and Bertrand offers her the gavel.] Haiku, do you accept?

Haiku: So unexpected, but an honor to bang the, skeleton gavel. That was a haiku I just wrote.

[Bangs the gavel, and there's a moment of silent and Bertrand realizes something.]

Bertrand: Boris.

[Boris plays his keyboard, and Lucy's heart breaks.]

[Back at the Loud house, Lucy is venting to Laney]

Lucy: It's not right that Bertrand picked Haiku to be president over me, she just turned goth last year.

Laney: And you were planning funerals since you were 2! That's commitment!

Lucy: Exactly, thank you.

Laney: Lucy, you have to stick up for yourself! Tomorrow you are going over there and tell Bertrand that your way more qualified to be a president!

[The next day, the Mortician's club is in the schoolyard, Bertrand drawing a chalk line around Boris on the ground, the rest of the club applauds, and Lucy comes up to them.]

Lucy: Gloomy morning everyone, I have an announcement... I've thought it over and, I too, would like to be considered for president. [The other club members are surprised this.] I think I'd do a great job, after all; who stays late to make sure the dissecting forceps are put away? And who thought of our group motto; Keep Calm, and Embalm? And who carried our team in the grave digging competition?

[The club members agree that Lucy's the one who did all that.]

Dante: You dug an eight footer.

Bertrand: Yes Lucy, you've made a good case for yourself. How about this? After school the club will meet, and we shall put it to a vote.

[Haiku is aghast, and Lucy is satisfied, when the announcements start.]

Clyde: Good morning Royal Woods Elementary, Clyde McBride here with my sidekick, you're mascot, give it up for Ricky the Rooster. [Clyde is in the office with an aged rooster.] Ricky, how about giving the good morning cock-a-doodle-doo? [Ricky pecks Clyde's nose.] Ow! [Scene returns to the Mortician's Club outside.] Ricky wait, remember you're condition.

[The Mortician's Club enters the school as Ricky proceeds to attack Clyde.]

[Later, Lucy opens her locker, and Fangs goes to his lounge.]

Lucy: All I need is four votes and I can win this thing, I better do some campaigning. Have a nice sleep Fangs. [Closes her locker. Later she is with an upside-down Dante.] Listen Dante, if I win the presidency, I'm planning a field trip to casket con.

Dante: Really? Tickets are so hard to get, [The camera flips, revealing the two on the monkey bars, and that Dante is actually hanging by his arms, and Lucy is the one who's upside-down.] You've got my vote. [Holds out a hand to shake Lucy's, only to fall off the monkey bars.] Still got my vote.

[Next, Lucy is in the bathroom with Persephone.]

Lucy: So, I can guarantee we'll serve funeral potatoes at every meeting, my Dad's recipe is to die for.

[The two finish with their business and come out of the stalls.]

Persephone: Okay, I'll vote for you.

[They prepare to shake hands, but stop, remembering where they just were.]

Both: Wash first.

[Next, Lucy is showing Morpheus a drawing of Mortician's Club capes.]

Morpheus: Matching capes would be nice, but, I'm still voting for Haiku, sorry.

Lucy: But why?

Morpheus: She wrote a very beautiful haiku about my pet crow, Thorn.[Hold up Thorn, who squawks.]

Lucy: But writing a poem doesn't make you a great president, there's a lot more that goes into it.

[Thorn squawks at her.]

Morpheus: Thorn is very fond of the Haiku.

[Finally, Lucy is with Boris at the cemetery.]

Lucy: If I'm elected president, I'm gonna move some club money around and buy you a new keyboard.

Boris: [Plays his keyboard] That would be amazing Lucy, but if you're looking for my vote, it's too late, Haiku promised that she'd take the club for a ride in her hearse.

Lucy: Pfft, it's just her parent's station wagon painted black.

Boris: Eh, what can I tell you.

[Plays his keyboard, Lucy huffs.]

[The next day at school, Lucy was putting Fangs in her locker when she closes to see Laney, making her jump]

Lucy: Eek!

Laney: So, how did it go?

Lucy: We're going to vote tonight.

Laney: That's wonderful! I'm proud of you Lucy, you achieved your dream!

Lucy: Not yet. Haiku and I each have three votes, which means Bertrand will have to break the tie, and of course he'll choose Haiku again.

Laney: Aw, I'm sorry Lucy.

Lucy: I can't give up yet, Haiku doesn't know what's best for the club, but I do.

Laney: Hmmm. [Gets an idea] What if you get someone to vote for you?

Lucy: Impossible. We don't have another member.

Laney: You do now. [She looks on darkly]

[Later that night, a shadow loomed over the creepy way to the cemetery. Scaring off a few animals away from the mysterious person's path. The mysterious person soon reached the Mortician's club]

Bertrand: I now call this meeting to order as we are still deciding on a new president in my place. [Looks at the ballots] Lucy and Haiku both have three votes. As sitting president it is my duty to choose the-

?: Yo!

[Everyone looks to see Lucy's sister Laney. Who was worn head to toe in goth attire. With spiked boots, blood red hair tips, long dark bangs, purple eyeliner, plastic fangs in her mouth, and she wore a cape over her dark costume]

Laney: Is this the Morticians club?

Lucy: [Acts] Laney? What in Hades handbag are you doing here?

Laney: I have finally accepted the darkness in my life and have became my true self. Embracing death and despair. [Sees a dead snake] AAAH! DEAD SNAKE! Um... That was an excited scream.

Boris: Really, Lucy? Your normie sister? [Laney hisses at him]

Laney: Do not underestimate my evil! I am a master of darkness! I fear nothing and everyone fears me! [Thunderstorm sounds]

[She pulls out the dead snake and wears it around her neck like a scarf]

Bertrand: Hmm... You show promise. Very well. As a new member, I suppose she may vote for our current eve-

Laney: I vote for my sister, Lucy.

Lucy: [Excitedly shoves Bertrand aside and takes the gavel.] Ooh, wow, guess that means I won.

[Bertrand looks at her with anger, as does Boris, and Haiku.]

Lucy: [whispers to Laney] Thanks sis.

Laney: No problem. Now if you excuse me, I gotta take off this dead snake and throw up... [Leaves]

[The next day at school, Lucy is walking alone with Fangs.]

Lucy: This is amazing Fangs, my first day as president, I can hardly wait to read the opening obituaries.

[Suddenly she hears Clyde sobbing in the bushes.]

Clyde: Why? Why Why?

Lucy: Clyde?

Clyde: Oh, uh. [Comes out of the bush] Hi Lucy, this bush is where I go when I need a good cry.

Lucy: What happened?

Clyde: [Sniffles] You know our school mascot and my morning announcement buddy, Ricky the Rooster? [looks at a locket of him and Ricky.]

Lucy: With the fractured waddle, the artificial heart, and the gout?

Clyde: Yes, he, he, he went to the big barn in the sky.

Lucy: I'm so sorry for your loss Clyde. [Puts her hand on his]

Clyde: Thank you, I can't believe it was only yesterday he did this to my arm. [Shows his heavily bandaged arm, and continues crying.] I miss him so much!

Lucy: You know, the Morticians Club could host a funeral for Ricky, to honor him, I mean, I'm president now and all, I'll bring it up at our meeting tonight.

Clyde: Really? That'd be great.

Principal Huggins:It sure would, [comes out of the bush too.] I could use some closure.

Lucy: It's settled then, I'll give Ricky the funeral he deserves.

[That night, Laney is the only one in the cemetery as Lucy enters.]

Laney: [Still acting like a goth] Greetings sister.

Lucy: Hey, where is everyone? I have big news, we're planning Ricky's funeral.

Laney: They're not here. They all quit.

Lucy: What?!

Laney: Just look at this scroll. [Gives the scroll to Lucy.] They feel betrayed by you for stealing the presidency.

Lucy: Well, then you and I will just have to put on Ricky's funeral by ourselves, [Tosses the scroll away, it lands on something.] and when they see how beautiful it is, they'l realize that I deserve to be president.

Laney: Not what I was thinking, but what sister what I be if I didn't support you! I mean... [emotionless] Whatever.

[The next day, at Ricky's funeral, Lucy has a huge picture and a shrine built to Ricky.]

Lucy: We did it Fangs.

Principal Huggins: [Offscreen; unamused] Miss Loud, is this some kind of joke?

[The ice sculpture is melted.]

Lucy: Gasp, my ice sculpture.

Principal Huggins: Ricky gave us a lifetime of service, and you honor him by making him look like a giant thumb?

Lucy: It looked just like him this morning, I didn't know it'd get this hot today.

Principal Huggins: You didn't check the weather? [Walks off in a huff.]

Morpheus: [As he and Dante walk up to Lucy.] What the heck, Lucy?

Lucy: What? Is something wrong with the refreshments?

Morpheus: [He and Dante open their containers.] Chicken nuggets?

Lucy: Gads! [Goes to her sister] Laney! What happened.

Laney: You said Ricky liked chicken in your text.

Lucy: Ricky IS a chicken!

Laney: [Realizes her folly] Oh... Sorry, it's hard to see with these bangs.

[Just then, Cheryl clears her throat, she's on the podium.]

Cheryl: I'd just like to say a few words before we get started, if I may. [She starts to whimper. Offscreen, football sounds can be heard.] Every mornin' we- AAH! [She gets hit with a football and thrown off the podium.] I'm okay!

Lucy: I thought you reserved this field!

Laney: I tried but no one took me seriously. That's the shame of being a goth, you are invisible to the world... [The ball lands near them, and they end up in the middle of a dog pile.] I don't know which pain is worse. Physical or emotional?

Lucy: [Gets out] Sigh, this is bad, but I can still turn this around. [She's at the podium.] My last gift to Ricky will be to send him to the heavens, in this. [Gestures to a giant trebuchet, with Ricky's coffin attached, everyone gasps.] Finally, he will get to experience the joy of flight.

Cheryl: A trebuchet?

[The other audience members don't get it either.]

Lucy: Time to go home, Sweet Prince. [Winds up the trebuchet] Farewell.

[Lucy sets it off, and Ricky gets flung into the air like a football, only to get intercepted and taken away by a passing airliner.]

Principal Huggins: [Sullen] Hey, he was supposed to go to the big barn in the sky, but you put him on the ten a.m. to Cincinnati!?

[He and Cheryl cry. Lucy sees what she's done and everyone starts booing.]

Lucy: [Mortified] No, no, no, no, no.

Laney: I'm sorry, Lucy. I'm just not cut out to be a goth. I'm an optimist. [Takes the cape off] At least tell me the cape looked cool.

Lucy: [Comforts Laney] It did... [Lucy sees the rest of the Morticians leave.]

Dante: Ugh, this is atrocious!

Morpheus: Just the worst!

Boris: Some funeral.

Lucy: Wait, don't go. [She runs up to them.] Hold on, I'm sorry guys, this funeral was a complete disaster and it's all my fault. It's obvious I'm not the amazing president I'd thought I'd be, and I'm sorry I made Laney join the club, it was a cheap trick. [The club grows sympathetic.] But honestly, the worst part is; Ricky deserved a better goodbye than this. Sniff.

[The club members look at each other.]

Haiku: You know Lucy, maybe it's not too late to save this funeral.

[The rest of the club surround Lucy with forgiveness.]

Lucy: Really?

Haiku: A president can't do everything herself, we are a club after all, let's send Ricky off right.

[Later, at the redo funeral, Principal Huggins and Cheryl takes their seats again.]

Principal Huggins: [Aggravated] Well this better be good.

[The funeral setup is a lot better this time Haiku comes up with Ricky's coffin.]

Lucy: Thank you Haiku, [in a hushed tone] for finding Ricky.

Haiku: No problem, he was just circling the baggage claim at the airport.

[Lucy takes the coffin and goes over to Dante, who's holding a basket tied to several balloons, and puts the coffin in.]

Lucy: Thank you Dante.

Dante: [For all to hear] For Ricky! Dusk and it's sweet embrace! It is time!

[Boris plays his keyboard.]

Bertrand: Right on cue.

[Persephone releases a cage of crows.]

Lucy: [Whispers to Haiku] I called in a favour for the grand finale.

[Just then, Luna comes in singing with an acoustic guitar.]

Luna:

Ricky, Ricky the Rooster.

[Dante lets the basket go, and the crows follow it into the sky.]

He was such a, morale booster.

Now he's gone and we're feelin' blue.

But we'll never forget his cock-a-doodle-doo.

[The crows form a heart around the basket as it rises.]

Time to let this old bird fly.

Come on everybody let's tell him, good bye.

[Principal Huggins and Cheryl hug each other crying.]

Principal Huggins: It's so tasteful.

[The Mortician's Club gather in the podium.]

Lucy: What a wonderful Mortician's Club effort. [Takes Haiku's hands.] But it was Haiku who really saved the day. You know, I think Bertrand had it right all along, you should be president.

Haiku: Oh, I don't know how about... Two co-presidents? You and me work together, to make a great team. Uh, that was a haiku I just wrote.

Lucy: I love it, and I think that's a great idea.

[The two friends hug.]

Luna: Thank you Royal Woods! Good night!