Lingering regret

When 'It' urged that I dine with it, I did not expect much. What was a cryptic entity to offer me, a knight headed from the glorious kingdom of Her Majesty? Everything of Arto- Her Majesty's kingdom was divine. Even the water from an ordinary fountain would far exceed anything 'It' could possibly offer.

Everything of her majesty was divine. To witness her alone was a blessing from God.

But I was not to let Her reverence affect me. For the sake of my 'Patron' and for the sake of my sanity, I was to once again bury my thoughts into the deepest crevices of my mind and keep treading forward.

1

However, traversing his surroundings proved stranger than he had expected. It was as if he was not even walking. For a moment he entertained the idea that this was some kind of joke of a certain eccentric wizard. But as they gradually approached their destination, even he was forced to admit that something of this scale would prove too much for him.

The void itself seemed to mesh together and reform itself right before his eyes. It was not merely conforming itself to resemble shapes, the void itself was giving way to the act of creation. Creating everything out of nothing.

As the black fog shifted, familiar structures came to view. And to say he was shocked, would be an understatement.

"It is truly a spectacle to witness the world you live in."

"Of course. It is beautiful, is it not?", the entity replied without turning back, its attention centered more on the structure forming itself around them, curious to explore more.

"Yes indeed", he replied back. He just wanted to appear polite. No honorable knight is expected to dishonor his host.

"But it is the most beautiful, no?" The entity asked innocently while a mischievous smirk dawned on Its 'face'. Somehow while it was talking to him, it had turned and started smiling at him and he hadn't noticed it at all.

To say that he was the strongest of the knights while even such a thing escape him. What utter blasphemy.

"It is indeed one of the most interesting pieces of architecture I have ever laid my eyes upon. Any mortal would be honored to be invited to dine here."

"Of course, you of all people would say that. Given that You do know the place intricately~ That said, Sir Lancelot, I welcome you to my humble abode at present!!!"

"Welcome to THE CASTLE OF CAMELOT"

2

Every passing moment, from there, had seemed a disorienting blur. Yet even then I could find moments to think back. I knew for what I so desired, I was not worthy.

Even for her hate, I was not worthy. Be the marvelous knight I was- I was never worthy.

Thus when I found myself roaming the vacant halls of my home undisturbed, it had been not a feeling of euphoria, but a monumental discovery.

I had, from her grace, come far. I had strayed too far.

A story has a beginning and an end they say. But the twisted tale of mine has none. For in the throws of madness, I knew, I was unable to grasp where in my tale hate began and hate ended. For as long as I remember, I had been stuck in the middle somewhere. Filled only with hate.

Neither accepting nor getting rid of what I hated so dearly. So dearly.

*Clink* It was strange to see the thing for what it was. A 'thing' it truly was but not in my eyes. No sooner than it had sat in one of the chairs beside the throne, everything had changed.

For a moment I felt the olf anger returning but quickly after it dissipated. I was left then, with only my jealousy and envy.

'It' had become, all but untouchable to me. It was now an unrealized ideal to which I had not risen. I would not have stood here now if I did. So to say I was a tad bit bitter, would not have been a grave lie.

I too, seeing 'It' bask in the warmth of her imaginary radiance in this cold castle, grew in my murderous heart a tiny bit of enmity. Only enough to hurt none.

If hate was not too harsh a term to use in relation to a human being, I hated it- I hated my king too. And She, I supposed should have come to hate me after the events of that fateful morning. Surely she would hate me and that Significant Other, in whom those days I was lucky enough not to believe.

I had hoped, prayed, that she would come to hate. If not my vile acts, then my face for which her beloved had fallen, or my body which had marred them.

But in the end, it was Him which she chose to believe in. She dismissed my pleas, as He had rejected my prayers. She believed it to be fate, part of destiny, and His test. Deciding to punish me, not with anger but with care. And indifference.

I wanted no part of it.

She could spare Him her trust and patience more than her loyal knight who only begged for her rage. How could she?!

She could hate all of herself for her incompetence and not spare me a single drop of that sweet poison. Why wouldn't she?!

So this is a record of hate far more than love, and if I come to say anything of anyone, I am not to be trusted. For I do not know if it is I who is truly speaking or the hate.

3

"Come join me", 'It' said without care, already knowing how the knight must feel about the whole arrangement. 'It' had just wanted to see how the knight would respond to this, given he had the tendency to "Lash out" often.

In a twisted way, it supposed it had been a test that the knight had completed with flying colours. 'It' or rather she had found it quite amusing when she saw the knight steal a look before turning to the other side. Clearly, it had been jealousy, that much would be evident even to a small child.

But aside from that, she was overjoyed. She had truly found her perfect candidate it seems. A person so disgraced that he had turned mad, so mad he had begged for hate, so bitter that he had come to hate the very thing he had sworn to protect.

And yet there still existed a spark of love in him. Like the dressing required to give the dish a final touch, this hate will serve him well. It would be just enough of an incentive for him to complete her mission. Because in this war, she was sure he would suffer far worse than he has ever known.

"Ah... I am afraid I mustn't". She could not describe what he felt when he said this. Simply because of all the emotion he had, he poured onto his face and to express his emotions, the feelings he felt, he left no means.

"Well, it was worth a try", she said to him as she snapped her fingers together and the entire castle, it's elegant halls, furniture, and ceiling, all vanished without a trace.

She would come to talk about it later, how she had held his gaze after and yet how he hadn't so much as enlightened her with a grunt. And like seeing through a window, she could see in their entirety, the obvious longing in his eyes.

4

Before I could think, I was brought to the dark void again and I didn't fail to notice how it still was writhing and churning all around, spewing objects of unknown origin I did not recognize.

Suddenly there I noticed, at the center of everything 'It' stood. It beckoned me closer and closer and I followed.

But even walking at my full stretch, I did reach it only after an eternity. There I felt a chill run along my spine, as if I had somehow crossed some line I shouldn't.

Directly 'It' grasped my hand and led me to a pot of gold that stood tall. I remember thinking that it was some kind of drinking well. Oh how wrong I was.

("What need would 'it' have for water, if it didn't carve for air?") I remember thinking and for the life of me not being able to figure out why it was showing me this.

It was only after closer inspection, had I realized I stood before the very Grail I had seen earlier. Having changed shape, it resembled now, not the ordained cup of Christ but a bath. A blood bath of deep crimson.

"What do you intend to do with this? Pray tell. You don't seem as one to need a blood bath.", I ask questioningly while the demon started churning at my mind, imagining countless scenes of mighty warriors spilling their blood to fill this giant cup.

"Eager to woo me I see. Are you already plotting to trap me in the bath? What next? Would you take me to your bed? Oh, what is a young lady like me to do besides give in to your vile CHARMS!".

"I am not amused...*cough* Besides aren't you... Well... how should I put it? Aren't you "asexué"? I mean impotent?"

"I will have you know that I am as proper a lady as your Kin- ("Hmm?") I me-mean! I am a proper gentlewoman! But if you still want proof of my maidenhood I shall-"

*Grab* "I WILL REPEAT MYSELF. I AM NOT AMUSED..."

"..."

"HAHA HAHAHA! Holy Merlin's beard! ("Hey!") It really is strange to see this from the outside... You really do fall for these kinds of mockery don't you?"

"I didn't want to assume your maidenhood... All noble knights are taught to regard everybody equally. Be it a young maiden or a gentle lad."

"But you are neither noble nor a knight..."

"...Indeed."

Suddenly a splash of sadness had been poured into the room. The entity had seized laughing and was unusually quiet as if contemplating what to say.

It was then, that the veil of darkness covering my eyes had been lifted. Though nothing had actually changed, it was only now that I was able to see clearly. I could see 'It' for who she truly was.

"Why won't you do what both you and I clearly want?"

"Why do you restrain yourself with these values? Do you not see forcing them on yourself only makes you bitter and sad? I have watched your every deed for a long time and I can honestly say that even you have suffered enough. Even YOU deserve a second chance. I beg of you! Do not rob yourself of that..."

"..."

"If I asked you to stay here forever with me this instant, would you?"

"You already know the reason why I cannot"

"Why! Am I not good enough? Even when I saved your life and brought you here. Even when I cry because of your torment while she never batted an eye! Why is she better? She did nothing but make you mad. She does not deserve your lov-"

*Whoosh*

"SAY ONE WORD! I DARE YOU!"

"How can you... lo-love her so much *hic*!"

I lowered my sword which I had raised at her. My anger would do her no good.

I knew from the moment she revealed herself to me that our encounter would not bode well for her. She held the same eyes as all those maidens whom I could not love. I knew what they wanted from me yet I could not bring myself to reciprocate back. I truly had cursed 'It' just like I had done to them.

"Then how is your legend-"

"Forgive me", I said half smiling at my own naivety and pettiness. "I never knew the consequences of giving all but a fower of rose to a lady I had found amusing or for returning a handkerchief to its rightful owner, a fair lady married to another."

"Did they?..." There was a measured caution in her voice. It seemed even she was hesitant to know the real truth.

"Yes. Just the day after I had rejected their love, they hanged themselves. Just because I had told them that I could not love them back... I even tried to take the blame, yet my name was used to slander them even more. You see, people started rumors that I had wooed them with my charms. Ravished them and then left them to fend for themselves.

"I had to force myself to withdraw just so I could save my king's face from all this slander."

"Oh No... All this time...". I could see clearly the horrible realization that dawned on her face. Somehow it had changed to a maiden's face. But despite everything, I did nothing."

('The more I indulge her, the more I will probably sadden her. So WHY even then, words kept pouring out of me, like water?')

"Art-Artoria... had committed nothing but love. She had spared me because of her love for her knights. But what I wanted was not the kind of love she had showered me with."

"Forgive me, God, I am only human. And I had wanted only the same. A simple and human love."

"A selfish love. A love where I could have held her hands and kissed her, dare I say, made love to her and grow old together with her."

"But the love of that kind, she didn't even know of."

"So on a fateful night, before that fateful morning, when I found Guinevere on her bed looking as broken as I was, parched for the taste of true love the both of us, for the feeling of holding your beloved close, gave in to our desires."

"We tried with our passion, to fill the gap left behind by our unattainable love, and to feel whole again. To feel what happiness felt like, to bring peace back into our hearts. To heal ourselves."

5

Later that day, 'It' had come to ask me a strange question.

"I don't suppose you know much about the contraption called 'Television'?"

"Besides a few of its basic functions, not much. But I assume you have got a point to this?". What was the worst that could happen should she show it to me?

"Oh, HAVE I?! YOU can rest assured that all you will perceive will be beyond what you have ever seen." ('In fact, I have a method to this madness. Hehe')

"Whatever you throw at me. This Berserkelo- Ahem! Berserker will take on gladly!" . What could be more terrifying than the devastation of war? No matter where you are, no matter what your noble origins are, war brings pain and desperation. It offers everything equally and takes from all. It takes and takes until nobody has anything left.

And in war, every soul stands equal. Even the treacherous knight and a knight of Betrayal. Even the beautiful queen and the gallant king.

Yet no matter how much I boast of strength and bravery, what came soon after shook me to the very core. The monster was so terrible that even I had to hide in shame. Even the strongest of the round table was forced to tuck his tail in between his legs.

So I had moved unconsciously, my mind abuzz with a flutter of incoherent thoughts.

It was my worst 'Knightmare' given form... It was...

"HAHAHAHAHAHAH...BUT... HAVE YOU FACED THIS MONSTEROUS FOE?! PREPARE YOURSELF, KNIGHT. PREPARE FOR THE DANGEROUS BEAST"

"THE DANGEROUS BEAST LANCELOT"

*Boom* The contraption exploded into a million pieces. Its abhorred face which was showing the accursed images now droops down, utterly crushed by my punch. I dare not gaze at her yet I can see it. I can feel it in my mind. I can hear the loud thud on the floor as she tries to stop herself from doubling over because of laughing too hard.

"Hmm... I wonder what happened... I speculate the TV got knocked over by the strong winds... Truly strong winds they were! Given enough time I think we ought to have found ourselves in the midst of a storm! Besides nobody would ever know WHAT HAPPENED... no? Won't you keep your promise my Señorita?"

She was quick to swat my hand away.

Terrible. It is the only word that I could use to describe what I feel. How in the holy hell had everything come to that? Had I fallen so low that I would degrade myself by wearing THAT!

"WHAT EVEN IS THAT?!"

"A uniform of an organization called Chaldea. And don't worry there is a very good reason for that."

"What in blazes could compel me to do that? Did somebody force me? Did somebody defeat me in battle... or did they have their way... with my body?!"

"NO NO! Nothing of that sort happened! You just happen to wear it for your daughter. I even find all this cute. A doting father doing everything he can to bring a smile to his daughter's face. How ADORABLE!!!"

"Whose idea was it?"

"Moriarty"

And just like that the person called 'Moriarty' had sealed his 'fate' by my hands.

"Don't worry Lancelot. Nothing bad happened. Though I admit the clothing is rather explicit and illustrious, your intent was purely out of love. So nobody can accuse you of anything."

"And you know very well that in love there is no shame."

"I have a DAUGHTER!!! WHERE IS SHE?". Suddenly I could not contain myself. Just hearing about this was threatening my patience. Even when 'She' held me off, I could barely contain it. I was so happy that I didn't even think from whom this daughter of mine had come. But of course, it didn't matter.

"In love, there is no shame". Truly 'She' had stolen the words from my mouth.

It is only after 'She' dissuades my worries with a dismissive gesture that I am able to calm down. Because no matter what happens I am sure 'It' will not deceive me.

"We will talk about this later. And you will tell me where my daughter is!", I warm her. Finally, somebody I could call my own... There is no chance I am willing to give up on this.

"Of course. We will talk about this.

And once we are done, you will leave me here and go to your daughter and your king. Here I will remain thinking as I watch your daughter, thinking you could have made a good father... to ours. Go on Lancelot *sniff* You cheater!"

I could not bear it anymore. Trapped by my burning shame and guilt I do the only plausible thing that comes to my mind. I walk up to her slowly and grasp her hand. She yelps and tries to free her hand, suddenly shy. Her round eyes watch me closely as I pull her towards me and her warm breath tickles my face.

I pull her by her waist, gently. But though I may feel bad for her, I will my face to say still. Who knows what disaster might occur should I lose control...

Yet knowing everything, I close the distance between us rapidly. Our foreheads touch and our lips remain just moments apart from each other. I find myself contradicted.

I may act as an innocent lover of a maiden but I too am infected by the disease of desire. I too like a scum, jumped at the very opportunity. For I knew I could not ask for what I wanted from the person I held dear.

6

As he caressed my cheek, I found this joke more worth it than ever before. Sure, I had deceived him into thinking that I was about to show him a monster worthy of his ire but even I did not know it would lead to this.

But you would not catch me regretting this decision. So as he rests his forehead against mine, I too guide him like a child. A monster he may be, and no matter how much he views himself to be a 'Lothario' he is but a child. A child desperately grasping at the straws of his first love.

He is just confused as I am. And though I burn every night, in desire against the greater unknown of the void, I too know little. And now at this moment, as thousands of butterflies flutter inside me, my heart beats a million paces, I want for him again.

Again and again, I forget the promise we had made that day as if I want to forget it.

The fateful promise I am sure he remembers.

My hand slitters past his head and grasps it with love. I pull him in for a kiss of our own. One that he had denied and one that will last forever.

"Guinevere... Don't...Please..."

"Won't you forgive me, dear? Just one last time?"