May There Be Treasure (By Which I Mean Panties) in This Right Hand!

1

"Hey, I've been meaning to ask… How exactly do you acquire skills?"

It was the day after we'd fought the Giant Toads. We were having a late lunch at the Guild tavern. In front of me, Megumin, who apparently had no money and had been unable to eat anything decent until she met us, was single mindedly working her way through a combo meal. Aqua was getting a nearby waiter to bring her seconds. She sure had a fine appetite for a woman her age. You'd think a party of two girls and one guy would basically be a starter harem, but this wasn't hot at all. Megumin looked up, fork still in hand.

"How to learn skills? Why, from the place on your card that shows currently available skills, of course… Oh, your class is Adventurer, is it not? Since that's a starter class, you have to have someone teach you new skills. Have them show you a skill, then guide you through it. Then it will appear on your card, and you can allocate points to it. Simple."

Okay. I was pretty sure the clerk at the Guild said Adventurers could learn any skill.

Meaning…

"Meaning if I got you to show me how to do it, Megumin, I could even learn Explosion?"

"Yes, exactly!"

"Wow!"

She became inordinately excited by my offhanded question.

"Yes, that is it exactly, Kazuma! It would take an outrageous number of points, true, but Adventurer is the only other class beside Arch-wizard that can learn Explosion. If you'd like to learn it, I will show it to you as many times as you want! After all, is there any other skill that is even worth learning? No, of course not! Now, Kazuma, join me on the explosive path!"

Her face was so very…very…close…

"C-calm down already, jailbait! I only have three skill points, anyway. Can I learn Explosion with that?"

"J-jailbait…?!" Megumin was too overcome to continue the conversation, so I turned to Aqua.

"An Adventurer who wanted to learn Explosion wouldn't manage it with ten or twenty points," she said.

"If you worked at it for about ten years, saving up every single skill point, you might be able to learn it."

"Who would wait that long?"

"Y-you say I…am jailbait…?" Megumin, seemingly in a state of shock at my turn of phrase, hung her head and returned to wolfing down her meal.

Anyway, since the ability to learn any skill at all was one of the few advantages of my class, I might as well make the most of it.

"Hey, Aqua. You must know all kinds of useful skills, right? Teach me something easy. Something that won't take too many points but will still be helpful. I'm looking for a good deal here."

Aqua held her water glass thoughtfully and was quiet for a moment.

"…Wellll, all right. But just so you know, my skills are serious stuff. I don't go around teaching them to just anybody, got it?"

There was Aqua, trying to make herself look important again—but since I needed her to teach me, I would just have to tolerate it. Nodding solemnly, I watched Aqua perform her skill.

"First, look at this glass. It's full of water, right? You're going to take it and balance it on top of your head so it doesn't fall off. Here, try it."

I managed to steady the glass on top of my head, all too aware of the stares of bystanders. Then Aqua produced a seed of some kind from who knew where and set it on top of the table.

"Now use your finger to flick the seed up into the glass. If you get it, presto! The seed will absorb the water in the glass, and—"

"Hey, who asked to learn party tricks, you useless goddess?!"

"Whaaaat?!" She seemed excessively surprised by my reaction and joined Megumin in sitting dejectedly.

She idly flicked the seed around the table. I didn't know what she was so upset about, but I wished she would take that stupid glass off her head. It was attracting attention.

Suddenly, someone nearby piped up: "Ha-ha-ha! You're a funny one! Hey, are you that party Darkness wants to get in on? You want to learn something useful? How about some Thief skills?"

That's when I saw the two women at the next table over. The one who'd called out was a youngish girl with silver hair, very attractive, wearing leather armor and a casual air. There was a small cut on her cheek. She seemed a bit cunning, but also open and cheerful. Beside her sat a lovely girl with long golden hair and a full set of plate mail.

She seemed cool and aloof and… Wait.

Wasn't she the female Knight who'd tried to join the party the day before? The "Thief" looked to be a year or two younger than me.

"Um, Thief skills? What kind of skills are those?" The girl seemed pleased by my question.

"I'm glad you asked. They're very useful, for starters. You can detect and disarm traps; you can set an ambush or steal an item. There are even a bunch of great passive abilities. Your class is Adventurer, right? Well, you don't even need many points to learn Thief skills. It's a great deal. What do you say? I'll teach you some for the price of one Crimson Beer!"

So cheap! And on reflection, I realized there was no risk in having this girl teach me something. If I wanted to learn more Thief skills, I could always ask any of the Thieves wandering around town.

"All right—it's a deal! Waiter! One Crimson Beer for the lady, please!"'

2

"Maybe I should start by introducing myself. I'm Chris. I'm a Thief, as you can see. And this boor here is Darkness. I think you've already met. She's a Crusader, so I don't know if she'll have that many skills you'd want to learn."

"Great! My name's Kazuma. Nice to meet you, Chris!"

The three of us were all but alone in the square behind the Adventurers Guild. I'd left the other two to mope back at our table.

"All right, maybe we should start with Sense Foe and Ambush. We'll have to take a rain check on Disarm Trap, since there aren't many traps around town. Let's see… Darkness, turn around for a second, would you?"

"Huh? All right…" She turned her back as she'd been told.

Chris hopped into a barrel a short distance away so that only her upper body was visible. Then she pitched a stone at Darkness's head and ducked down into the barrel.

…Was that supposed to be the ambush?

Without a word, Darkness strode toward the only barrel in sight.

"Sense Foe… Sense Foe… I can sense Darkness's rage approaching! Hey, Darkness? You know I'm only doing this to teach the guy some skills, right? Right?! Be gentl—aahhhh, stoppitttt!"

Chris shouted as Darkness turned the barrel on its side and sent it rolling away. Can I really learn anything this way…?

"O-okay, then. How about you try my number one recommendation, Steal? It snags a single item from the target. Doesn't matter if it's a sword they're clutching or a purse buried deep in their pack. One random item. The success rate depends on your Luck stat. It can do some pretty great stuff. Maybe you're facing down a fearsome enemy, and you grab his weapon or you nab some hidden treasure he's got and then make a break for it."

Chris had collected her wits after her ride in the barrel, and she was filling me in on the finer points of the Steal skill. It certainly did sound useful. And if it was really based on your Luck, I finally had a chance to make use of my one good stat.

"I'm gonna use it on you now, okay?" Chris said.

"Ready?"

She held out her hand, shouted "Steal!" and suddenly, she was holding a small object.

It was… "My wallet! Hey!"

Not that there was much in it.

"Ooh, score! That's how you use Steal. Here's your wal—"

Chris stopped as she was about to hand the wallet back to me, and a smile crept over her face.

"Hey," she said, "how about a little contest? Learn Steal right now. Then, steal any one item from me. My purse, my weapon—it's all fair game. Whatever you get, it's got to be worth more than this ratty thing."

She gave my wallet a shake. "So I'll keep this wallet, and whatever you get from me, you keep it in exchange. What do you think? Wanna give it a try?"

She sure came up with some strange ideas. But I stopped and thought about it. I had high Luck. And I could steal any one thing from her… In other words, even if the skill failed, I probably wouldn't walk away empty-handed. Why not give it a try? A bet like this seemed like the sort of thing only a couple of crazy adventurers could get up to, anyway—I loved it! For the first time since I got to this world, I'd found something that made me feel like a real adventurer!

When I checked my Adventurer's Card, I found a new field, AVAILABLE SKILLS. When I touched it with my finger, four skills appeared:

SENSE FOE…1 POINT

AMBUSH…1 POINT

STEAL…1 POINT

THE WONDERS OF NATURE…5 POINTS

The Wonders of Nature? Was that the seed-in-a-glass party trick Aqua had shown me? That was some name for a parlor trick! …Huh? It took more skill points than everything else combined! I admit I was intrigued by the party trick, but I took in the other skills on my card—Sense Foe, Ambush, and Steal.

That used up my three skill points, so the AVAILABLE POINTS field now showed zero. So this was how you learned skills around here.

"All right, I've learned it. And you're on! No matter what I steal—no complaining, right?"

I stuck out my right hand. Strangely, Chris was smiling.

"Good! I like a man who doesn't back down from a challenge! I wonder what you'll get? You might just recover your wallet. First prize is this enchanted dagger—it won't sell for less than 400,000 eris. And I even have a consolation prize—these rocks I picked up earlier to throw at Darkness!"

"Hey! That's a dirty trick!" I said, looking at the collection of pebbles in Chris's hand.

I wondered why she seemed so confident! I guess carrying around a bunch of junk items was one way to thwart Steal.

"Call it your tuition fee. No skill is all-powerful. With a little imagination, you can come up with a counter to anything. Lesson learned? Now, go for it!"

Dammit. Lesson learned, all right. Seeing Chris grin at me, I even felt like a bit of an idiot for letting her game me like that. This wasn't Japan. This was a world of survival of the fittest. It was my own fault for being gullible. Anyway, my odds might have been lower, but the contest wasn't over yet.

"All right, here I come! Luck's always been the only thing I've ever had on my side… Steal!"

As I shouted, I found myself grasping something tightly in my outstretched right hand. First try! Good luck really was my one gift. I opened my hand and took a close look at what I'd snatched…

"…The heck is this?"

It was a single piece of white cloth. I held it up to the light…

"Yahoooo! This is even better than first prize!"

"Awww, nooo! Gimme back my pantiiiieeeees!" Chris shouted tearfully, holding down her skirt.

3

When I got back to the Guild tavern after learning my new skills, I found it in an uproar.

"Milady Aqua, do it again! I'll pay! Show us The Wonders of Nature again!"

"You idiot! Our dear Aqua doesn't want money—she wants food! Right, my dear?! I'll treat you! So show us The Wonders of Nature again!"

For some reason, a crowd surrounded Aqua. She looked more than a little annoyed.

"This is art! It's not something you can do just any old time someone asks! A great man once said, a good joke is only good once. I'm not some third-rate street player who'll do the same thing over and over just because it's a little popular! In fact, I'm not a performer at all, so I'm hardly interested in making money from my art! That's the very least someone can commit to when they seek to refine their skills. Anyway, The Wonders of Nature was never something I intended to show to you lot, and—Hey, Kazuma! You're finally back. Y'know, it's your fault this is happen—Say, what's with her?"

Aqua had noticed the wet-eyed, sulky Chris who accompanied me as I pushed my way through the crowd. Darkness opened her mouth before I could explain.

"Chris is upset because not only did Kazuma take her panties, but then he held them for ransom."

"Hey, way to run your mouth! Hold on! Wait! I mean—she's not wrong, but— really, wait!"

Chris had wept that she would pay anything I asked if I would let her have her panties back, so I'd told her she should set the price for her own intimates. That was all. And then I'd added that if I didn't like the price she named, I would just keep the panties and take them back to become an heirloom of my house. She'd pulled out her wallet, along with the one she'd taken from me, and traded them for the underwear. Darkness made it sound so unseemly. I was starting to squirm under Aqua's and Megumin's gazes, taken in as they were by Darkness's telling, but then Chris raised her dejected face.

"Well, I guess getting your underwear snatched in public is no reason to get in a mood! All right, Darkness. Sorry, but I'm gonna hit up a well-stocked dungeon I know and do some grinding. I did just use up all my money to get back my hostage panties."

"Hey, hang on! Aqua and Megumin I'm used to, but every female adventurer in the room is glaring at me now! Just wait!"

It looked like most of the women there had overheard our conversation.

Chris snickered at my anxious expression and said, "Just a little revenge, eh? All right, I'm off to make some cash, so play nice, Darkness! Catch you all later!"

With that, Chris made for the adventurer recruitment board.

"Um…aren't you going with her, Miss, uh, Darkness?" I asked.

The Knight still sat at our table like it was the most natural thing in the world.

"No… I'm a frontline defender. We're an eris a dozen. Thieves, though—you can't tackle a dungeon without one, but it's not a flashy job, so there aren't many. Everyone wants someone like Chris."

I see. Come to think of it, Aqua said Arch-priests were in high demand, too. I guess your occupation could get you more than I'd realized. A few minutes later, we saw Chris walk out the door of the Guild with several other adventurers in a party she'd found. She gave us a jaunty wave as she left.

"They're going to a dungeon now, even though it's almost dark?"

"First thing in the morning is the best time to tackle a dungeon," Megumin said.

"So it is quite common for people to go to a dungeon the night before and camp out at the entrance. There are even some merchants who set up shop outside dungeons specifically to cater to adventurers who are camped there. So, how did it go, Kazuma? Did you learn a new skill?"

A shameless smile grew on my face at hearing Megumin's question.

"Heh-heh, how about I show you? Here I go—Steal!" I shouted, and thrust my right hand toward Megumin.

In a flash, I was holding a piece of white cloth. Yup. Panties again.

"I do not understand. Did your stats go up enough for you to change jobs from Adventurer to Pervert?" She paused.

"Um…it's rather chilly, so could you please return my panties…?"

"Wh-what? That's weird… It's not… I mean, it's supposed to take something random!"

I hurriedly returned the panties to Megumin, and as the looks of the women nearby went from chilly to freezing, I heard someone pound the table with a slam. It was Darkness, rising from her chair. For some reason, her eyes were ablaze…

"I knew it! I knew I had judged correctly! You beast—stealing the panties of such a young girl right out in public! I absolutely—I absolutely must be part of this party!"

"Nope." "Wh…a…?! Hrrk…!"

At my answer, Darkness turned red and began to shake. What was I supposed to do? I wasn't sure how, but I could tell this female Knight was not the useful type. So of course, Aqua and Megumin were immediately interested in her.

"Hey, Kazuma, who's this? Is this that girl you said you interviewed while Megumin and I were at the bathhouse yesterday?"

"Wait, is she not a Crusader? Why should you wish to refuse such a powerful ally?"

With one eye on Darkness, they each offered their altogether unsolicited opinions. Dammit… And here I'd worked so hard to put her off yesterday…

I so didn't want her to meet these two.

All right, let's try this: "Listen, Darkness. Aqua and I may not look like much, but we have a job to do. We need to defeat the Demon King."

Aqua, of course, wanted to get back to the divine realm, but for my part—having been confronted by the reality of a world in which we could barely handle an overgrown frog, let alone a demonic sovereign—I was no longer feeling very enthusiastic about that task. I paid no attention to Megumin, who sat next to us pretending to studiously ignore our conversation. Wait. Actually, this might be the perfect moment.

"This goes for you, too, Megumin," I said.

"Aqua and I want to defeat the Demon King at any cost. That's why we became adventurers. And because of that, things are likely to get pretty rough for us. Especially for you, Darkness— you're a lady Knight! Do you know what the Demon King would do to you if he captured you?"

"I know exactly what you're talking about!" Darkness said.

"From time immemorial it has been the role of the lady Knight to be the erotic plaything of the Demon King! Just that alone is enough to make me join you!"

"Huh? Say what?!" Her eagerness brought me up short.

"Huh? What about what? Did I say something strange?"

All right, let's leave that one for now. I turned to Megumin.

"Megumin, look—we're up against the Demon King here. Aqua and I are taking the fight to the most powerful creature in this world. You don't have to force yourself to stick with such a crazy bunch of—"

Bam. Megumin suddenly stood up. Her mantle fluttered out.

"My name is Megumin! First among the spell-casters of the Crimson Magic Clan and wielder of Explosion! Is the Demon King known as the strongest in this world? Then I shall topple him with the strongest magic in this world!"

We were getting odd looks from around the hall as Megumin made her proud, and thoroughly tweeny, declaration. Useless. Don't give me that self-satisfied smirk, you! What was I gonna do? The two problem children I most wanted out of my party were the ones most eager to be in it!

"Hey, Kazuma! Kazumaaa!"

As I sat there stewing, Aqua tugged on my sleeve.

"After hearing all that stuff you were just saying? I'm not so sure about this anymore… Isn't there an easier way to beat the Demon King?"

…You better get on board. Aren't you the one who needs to defeat him most of all? At that moment…

"Urgent quest! Urgent quest! All adventurers currently in town, please report immediately to the Guild Hall. Repeat, all adventurers, please report immediately to the Guild Hall!"

The announcement boomed through the streets. Maybe they were amplifying it with magic?

"Hey, what do they mean, an urgent quest? Is a monster attacking the town or something?"

I was pretty concerned. Darkness and Megumin, on the other hand, looked thrilled.

"Hmm, it's probably about the cabbage harvest," Darkness said happily.

"It's almost the season."

I was silent for a long moment.

"Huh? Cabbage? Is that the name of a monster?" I said dumbly.

Megumin and Darkness both gave me a strange look of pity.

"Cabbages are green and round," Megumin said.

"You eat them."

"They're a crunchy, delicious vegetable," Darkness added.

"I know what a cabbage is! So, what? They're putting out an urgent quest so we can all go and do farmwork?"

Granted, I'd been in construction myself until just a little while ago, but I didn't come here for agriculture.

"Oh… Kazuma, I guess you might not know, but…the cabbages around here —"

Aqua was hesitantly trying to tell me something, but the desk clerk cut her off with a loud announcement to the adventurers in the hall.

"Everyone, please pardon our sudden call! Some of you have figured this out already, but it's cabbage season! The time for this year's harvest has come! The cabbages are quite full this year, so we will be paying ten thousand eris a head! We have already instructed the townspeople to evacuate their homes. Please catch as many cabbages as you're able and bring them back here. Please take care so their counterattacks don't hurt you! Finally, because of the large number of people involved, we will pay out the reward at a later date."

…Wait, what did she just say?! A cheer went up outside the Guild Hall. I followed the crowd to see what was going on and saw a bunch of round green objects floating nonchalantly around the streets.

As I stood there trying to take it in, Aqua appeared beside me and said solemnly, "The cabbages here can fly. They get more flavorful as the harvest approaches, but they don't have any intention of ending up on the menu without a fight. They make a run for it through the towns and fields and head out to sea. It's said they cross the ocean and spend their days quietly in a place no one knows, where they can live out their lives without being eaten. But if we can catch even one, we'll get an awfully good meal out of it."

"I wonder if I could just go back to the stable and hit the hay…," I muttered dimly.

Next to me, a couple of adventurers braver than I were joining the chase with a shout. Their manly fervor seemed to be stoked by the cabbages' own desire to survive. As the adventurers threw themselves into combat with the vegetables, I had only one thought in mind. How sad is it that I have to fight to the death with some leafy greens? I wanna go back to Japan… 4 I tried a bite of the stir-fried cabbage they were serving up at the Guild.

"I don't get it. How in the world can a regular cabbage stir-fry be this good? It makes no sense!"

The harvest was safely over, and all around town, people were trying out different recipes using the stuff. In the end, I'd forced myself to be part of the cabbage hunt because the money was good, but I felt a twinge of regret. I didn't come all the way to a fantasy world to fight with a bunch of vegetables.

"Way to go, Darkness!" Aqua was saying.

"You really are a Crusader. Those vegetables didn't stand a chance against your iron defense!"

"Oh, no," Darkness replied, "I'm just tough. I'm clumsy and not very quick, so I can hardly hit anything with a sword. Acting as a human wall to protect my party is my only real talent."

She paused.

"That's why Megumin impressed me so much. She's the one who brought down in one magnificent explosion all those monsters who'd followed the cabbages into town. You sure took all the adventurers there by surprise!"

"Heh-heh-heh. None can stand against my Explosion spell."

Megumin took a breath.

"Really, though, Kazuma was remarkable. After I'd collapsed from my spell, he rushed out, collected me, and brought me back."

"True," Darkness said.

"When I was surrounded by monsters and cabbages all making me their punching bag, it was Kazuma who appeared and harvested the vegetables. You saved me, Kazuma. I thank you."

"I saw him hide with his Ambush skill, track their movements with Sense Foe, and finally hit them from behind with a powerful Steal attack," Megumin said.

"It was like watching a master assassin at work."

Finally, there was a clink as Aqua set down a plateful of the conquered cabbage. The useless goddess had spent the entire harvest running this way and that by herself, just going after whatever cabbage was nearest, accomplishing nothing. Now she wiped her lips daintily.

"Kazuma… By my name, I hereby give you the title 'Beautiful Cabbage Thief.'"

"That's ridiculous! If anyone ever calls me that, I'll pop 'em right in the mouth! Arrrrgh, how did things come to this…?"

I leaned on the table with my head in my hands. This was an emergency.

"Anyway… My name is Darkness. My class is Crusader. I carry a two-handed sword, but please do not expect too much from me in battle. I'm so clumsy my attacks rarely land. But I'm very good at being a human shield. I look forward to adventuring with you all!"

That's right…I had another new party member.

Aqua, looking quite pleased, said, "Hee-hee! Our group is starting to look pretty impressive, huh? There's me, the Arch-priest. Megumin, the Arch-wizard. And Darkness, a Crusader who specializes in frontline defense. How many parties are there where three out of the four members are from advanced classes, huh, Kazuma? You are so lucky! You ought to be grateful!"

Sure, lucky. I've got a spell-caster who can use only one spell per day, a frontline fighter whose attacks never hit, and the world's dumbest, unluckiest Arch-priest, who—by the way—still hasn't done a single useful thing! Aqua and Megumin had really hit it off with Darkness during the cabbage hunt, and all of a sudden they'd invited her to be in our party. Normally, I'd have no reason to refuse. I mean, she was gorgeous.

But Darkness—when she said her attacks never land, she meant it. Like, never. She really is gorgeous, though. Because she put every one of her skill points into defensive abilities, she'd never learned things like Two-Handed Sword—in other words, the offensive skills that give you basic competency in the use of a weapon. What a waste for a girl who was so cool and so hot at the same time. This Crusader of ours also had a weird habit of jumping right into the middle of a horde of monsters.

I appreciated that a Crusader, whose whole duty was to protect the weak, would want more than anyone to leap into the fray and help others, but…

"Ergh… Ohh… When those cabbages and monsters were beating me up, I could hardly stand it… It looks like I'm the only frontline defense this party has, so don't hesitate to offer me up as a hostage or use me as a human shield. If you decide you must sacrifice me to an awful fate to save yourselves from danger, please feel free to do so… Mm! J-just imagining it has me shaking…with excitement…"

Her cheeks had turned a pale red, and she was shivering a little. Wait—I get it. She's just a garden-variety masochist. Now when I looked at her, I didn't see a hot girl—just a sexual deviant.

"So, Kazuma. I might—no, I'm sure I will—be an albatross around this party's neck at times, so when I am, please, please punish me mercilessly for it. I look forward to working with you!"

An Arch-priest who knew every healing spell. An Arch-wizard who could use the world's strongest magic. And a Crusader with an impenetrable defense. It sounded perfect on paper. And yet right now, the only feeling I had about the future was a bad one.

5

My adventurer level rose to 6. In other words, I went up two levels after the cabbage hunt. I hadn't even defeated them—just captured them. So why did my level go up? For that matter, why in the world were cabbages worth so much XP? There were so many questions. But thinking about them made my head hurt, so I decided to just let them go. You couldn't let the ifs and ands of this world overwhelm you.

Cabbages were worth ten thousand eris a head. This was apparently because you could gain XP by eating them fresh. Meaning, adventurers with enough cash could grow stronger by just having a meal. With my new levels came more skill points. Trying to figure out why you got skill points when you leveled—something ripped straight out of a role-playing game—would probably have me losing sleep over it, so I didn't bother.

Like I said, you just couldn't let it get to you. When I'd leveled up, I'd received two skill points. A magic-user and a warrior from another party I met during the cabbage hunt had taught me One-Handed Sword and Basic Magic. Each cost me one point. The One-Handed Sword skill, obviously, allowed you to ably wield a one-handed sword.

With that, I gained an average ability to use a weapon. I was now out of skill points again, but I wanted to learn magic even more than how to use a sword. Who could possibly come to a world that had magic and not want to try it out? Basic Magic allowed you to use simple spells related to the four elements— fire, water, earth, and air.

Incidentally, these basics weren't powerful enough to kill or even hurt anything; most casters skipped Basic Magic entirely, saved up their points, and jumped right to mid-level magic. Intermediate Magic cost ten skill points. My Magic stat wasn't very high, so at that price maybe I should just give up on learning offensive spells.

I'd heard some people began with a certain number of skill points based on natural talent. These prodigies weren't as rare as you'd think, and they could start out with ten or even twenty points, taking an advanced class immediately. Megumin and Darkness, for example, must have been pretty well received when they started out. (Aqua didn't count.) While I, at level 1, had zero skill points. …Not gonna think about it too hard.

I'll just get depressed. The more skills I learned, the more like a real adventurer I became. All that was left was the outfit. Sometimes I changed into clothes that I'd bought in this world, but for the most part it was just me, my tracksuit, and a short sword. I really needed some armor. Even just a bit of leather. And so…

"Why do I have to come along on your dumb shopping trip?" Aqua complained loudly as we walked into the armor shop.

"Because you need some equipment, too. I may be wearing a tracksuit, but what have you got? A flimsy little Feather Dress?"

Aqua, like me, was still wearing the same thing she'd had on when we got to this world. Every night after changing into her pajamas, she washed it in a bucket from the inn—splash, splash, splash—then put it out to dry in the same place where they dried the horses' hay.

"Dummy," Aqua said, looking put out.

"You seem to be forgetting that I'm a goddess. This Feather Dress is holy. It's a unique item imbued with all kinds of magical properties—status conditions don't affect it, and it's got exceptional durability. Lots of good stuff. There's no equipment better!"

I considered suggesting she not hang her holy, divine super-item out with the horse feed.

"Hey, sounds good. If we're ever strapped for cash, we can sell that thing… Ooh, this chest plate is made of leather, but it looks like a good start."

"H-hey, you were just joking, right? This cloak is pretty much the only proof that I'm a goddess. You'd never really sell it, right? Right…?"

6

"Oh-ho. It seems clothes really do make the man!"

"Indeed. Kazuma at last looks the part of an adventurer."

In the Guild Hall, which had become our unofficial meeting spot, Darkness and Megumin admired my new outfit. I sort of wanted to ask what exactly they thought I'd looked like before. Just some creeper? Now I looked like I belonged here. I had a leather chest plate, metal gauntlets, and metal greaves. Aqua had said that my tracksuit alone killed the immersion around here, so the day before, I'd bought several sets of appropriate clothes.

I'd been told that magical skills usually required a free hand, and since I had gone out of my way to learn some magic, I decided not to carry a shield. I had just the blade at my hip, in a style I liked to think of as a sort of magical swordsman. I'd used up most of the money I'd made off my little Steal contest with Chris, but there was enough left over from that to put food on the table for another week or two.

And, hey—I had some armor; I'd learned some skills. I wanted to go on a quest. When I told everyone about it, Darkness firmly nodded.

"It's mating season for the Giant Toads, and many of them are near town. We could—"

"No more toads!" Megumin and Aqua interrupted in unison.

"…Why not? They're easy to stab with a bladed weapon, which makes them easy to kill. Their only attack is to try to grab you with their tongue. You can sell the carcass as a consumable, so you can make good money on them. You might get eaten if you're wearing only thin armor, but they hate metal, so I assume Kazuma wouldn't be targeted the way he's dressed now. As for you two, Aqua and Megumin, I'll act as a shield for you."

"Oh… These two were traumatized when toads ate them a while ago. They wound up covered in slime from head to toe. It's all right; let's find something else."

For some reason, Darkness's cheeks had gone a light red at my words.

"…Don't tell me that thought excites you."

"It does not."

She looked away bashfully, but I had a bad feeling. She wasn't going to disappear on a one-woman frog chase the minute I took my eyes off her, was she?

"Not counting that urgent cabbage hunt," I said, "this will be the first quest for the four of us together. It'd be nice if we could just take it easy."

Megumin and Darkness went over to the board to see if there were any simple quests posted.

Aqua rolled her eyes at me and said, "What can you expect from a hikiNEET introvert? Kazuma, you're in the weakest class, so I can see why you'd want to be cautious, but think about the rest of us. You've got a party full of advanced adventurers! Why not take on some tougher quests, make some real money, raise our levels—and then it's 'Good-bye, Demon King!' What I mean is, let's pick the most difficult mission we can find!"

I was silent for a long moment.

Then I said, "I hate to tell you this, but…you have yet to be any help at all."

Aqua seemed aghast at my words, but I paid her no mind. I went on.

"I'm pretty sure I was supposed to get some superpowerful item or ability from you so I wouldn't have any trouble here. And look, I'm the last person to complain when the gods themselves give me free swag. But didn't I pick you over all the other stuff I could've had? And now that we've come this far, I have to ask: Have you done anything for me—anything—that's better than whatever legendary loot or killer special ability I would've gotten? How about it? Back when we got here, you were sure you were all that, but you still haven't proved it, you self-proclaimed former you-know-what!"

"Sniff… I-I'm not a former… I-I'm still…still a goddess," Aqua said despondently.

I practically shouted now.

"'Goddess'! You?! A goddess would give guidance to her hero! She'd fight the Demon King herself, seal him away until the hero was ready! And what did you do on our cabbage hunt? Sure, you somehow wound up with a bunch of them, but all I saw was you crying while flying vegetables chased you around! What kind of deity gets bullied by something that goes in stew? The only thing you know how to do is get eaten by frogs; your only abilities are stupid party tricks—and you call yourself a goddess?!"

"W-waaaaahh!"

I felt a bit satisfied seeing Aqua collapsed over the table, weeping. I'd gotten my revenge on her for making fun of me. But Aqua, it seemed, wasn't ready to let it drop.

She looked up from the table and said, "I—I can do lots of useful things! I know healing magic, and…healing magic, and—healing magic! So what about it, you hikiNEET? How long do you think it'll take to defeat the Demon King at this rate, huh? If you've got ideas, I'd love to hear them!"

She thinks she's clever. Aqua glared at me through teary eyes. I sneered at her.

"I cut class every day of high school to stay home and work on my pro gaming career. You really think I don't have any idea how to handle this?"

"You were a pro gamer?"

"No, I just wanted to say it. Listen, Aqua. I don't have amazing powers like the usual protagonists of these stories. But I do have the things I learned in Japan. So I was thinking, what if I made simple Japanese goods, something traditional they don't have here, and sell them? I've got good Luck, right? Even the girl who registered us said I should go into trading. It got me thinking, maybe adventuring isn't the only way to make money around here. We can take other routes, too. As long as we've got some cash, it won't be hard to get XP. We can buy cabbage, or whatever else gives you XP just by eating it, and get stronger that way."

True, the other Japanese here knew the same things I did. But unlike me, they'd taken the special powers as they were supposed to. They wouldn't think to do something so menial as selling handmade goods—they'd be too focused on their quests. Basically, the ROI from adventuring for me wasn't very good. I'd only been on a frog hunt and cabbage hunt so far, but looking at the quest board, nothing seemed to offer a reward proportionate to its dangers. Life was just too cheap here.

Sure, I periodically brought up the Demon King in front of Aqua for her benefit, but to tell you the truth, I wasn't thinking seriously about defeating him. Which meant instead, I had to figure out how to live in this world with the least fuss and the most comfort.

"A-anyway, you get thinking, too! Think of something easy we can sell! And teach me that recovery magic of yours already! I want to be able to heal when I have enough skill points!"

"Nooo! Not my healing magic! I'll lose my reason for existing! You don't need to learn those spells! You have me! Nooo!"

She flopped on the table and began weeping about me taking away the one thing that gave her existence any value. That was how Megumin and Darkness found us when they came back.

"What have you been up to?" Megumin asked.

"You can be rather cruel, Kazuma. You could probably make any girl cry if you told her how you really feel."

"Hmm…," Darkness said.

"If you need to let off some stress, why not leave Aqua alone and insult me instead?" She paused.

"After all, it is a Crusader's duty to stand in harm's way for others."

Both of them looked at Aqua, who was still crying. She seemed to realize everyone was staring at her and buried her face in her arms, peering out periodically from between her limbs to glare at me. It was kind of annoying.

"Look, just ignore her. But Darkness…" I glanced at her.

"I didn't know you were so svelte under all that armor."

Darkness was wearing only a black tank top, a tight black skirt, and leather boots. She still wore the great sword across her back, making her look less like a Knight than a simple warrior. Apparently her armor was in the shop, having been damaged when she took that beating from the cabbages. I found myself unexpectedly speaking more gently to the unprotected Darkness. She was firm where a woman ought to be firm and had a very shapely form. Frankly, she was turning me on. Standing next to Megumin only highlighted how developed Darkness was.

I started to think that for a face that lovely and a body so smoking, I could maybe overlook some personal quirks…

"Oh!" she cried out.

"Did you just say, 'How dare this pig have such a hot body'?"

"No! I didn't!" I glanced at Megumin and Aqua… You know what?

I take it back. It doesn't matter how hot she is. Personality trumps all.

Then Megumin exclaimed, "Hey! Explain the meaning of that glance you just gave me!"

"There's no meaning. I was just thinking, 'Thank god I'm not into jailbait,' is all."

"Start a fight with someone of the Crimson Magic Clan, and she will always finish it!" Megumin said, tugging on my sleeve.

"Let us step outside and—"

"Um, anyway…," Darkness broke in.

"If we're going to do a quest, how about one that will help Aqua gain some levels?"

"What do you mean?" I said.

"Is anyone offering one that convenient?"

And Aqua had learned pretty much every skill there was for her to learn with her starting points, anyway, so I didn't think she needed to be too worried about leveling up.

"As a rule, it's hard for Priests to level up, since they lack real offensive capabilities. They can't run out and just kill something like a warrior can or rush in with a blast of magic like a Wizard. So Priests prefer to hunt the undead. They're immortal monsters that have turned against the laws of the gods. The power of the divine has an opposite effect on the undead. Hit them with healing magic, and it actually destroys them."

Now that I thought about it, that sounded familiar. It was pretty similar in most video games: Recovery magic works as an attack against undead enemies. I dunno, though. Would a few levels even help this useless goddess? Then I had a flash of inspiration. When my level went up, so did my stats. Would it be the same for Aqua? She was still slumped over the table, crying crocodile tears and peeking at us every once in a while to see if we were paying attention. If this idiot's level went up, would her Intelligence stat rise a little bit, too? That would be the most efficient way to make her more useful in battle.

"Hey, that's not a bad idea," I said.

"But Darkness, your armor isn't back from the shop yet…"

Darkness crossed her arms and proclaimed, "Ahem! Not a problem for me! I didn't specialize in defensive skills for nothing. Even without armor, I'm tougher than an Adamanmoise! Plus, I prefer the feeling of being hit without any protection."

"…Did you just say you enjoy being hit?"

"…No."

"Yes, you did."

"Did not."

Silence.

"So, Aqua, want to try it?"

She looked at our Arch-priest, whose face was still hidden in her arms.

"Hey, don't just sit there blubbering—say something! We're talking about your level, here!"

I reached out and was about to smack her on the shoulder— But that's when I noticed…

"…snooooore…"

She'd tired herself out from crying and fallen asleep. Was she a goddess or a toddler?

7

We were on a hill outside town. It was a communal cemetery for those who died poor or without anyone to bury them. Interment was the custom here—no coffin, just straight in the ground. Our quest was to deal with the undead monsters that were plaguing the graveyard. It was almost dusk. We'd pitched camp nearby and were waiting for dark.

"Hey, Kazuma! I had dibs on that meat! We've got some perfectly good grilled vegetables right here—eat some!"

"That cabbage hunt kind of killed my interest in vegetables. I'm always afraid they're going to fly away or jump out of the fire while I'm trying to cook them."

We'd set up a small grill off the cemetery grounds and were making dinner while we waited. It might seem like a lax thing to do when we were ostensibly hunting monsters, but this time our mission was on a low-level creature called a Zombie Maker. They were a kind of evil spirit that controlled zombies. The Zombie Maker commandeered the best corpse and had several undead lieutenants.

We took the quest because we'd heard even novice parties could take on Zombie Makers. Maybe it would be less risky for the unarmored Darkness, as well. My stomach pleasantly full, I took some powdered coffee and dumped it into a mug. I used a simple magic spell called Create Water to fill it up, then another called Kindle to start a fire to heat it. These were functions of the Basic Magic I'd learned from a Wizard at the cabbage hunt. Kindle, as the name implied, was used to start fires. You couldn't hurt anyone with it, but it was sure more convenient than a lighter. Megumin held out her empty mug with a perplexed look.

"Could I have some water, too, please? I am surprised, though, Kazuma. You know even more spells than I do. Most people skip over Basic Magic, but you make it look rather useful."

I chanted Create Water over Megumin's cup.

"I thought that was what Basic Magic was for. Oh yeah. Create Earth! What's this one do?"

I held out my palm, which was full of fine soil. Basic Magic encompassed spells relating to all four elements, but only the earth spell left me without any idea what to do with it.

"Oh…I have heard it is especially rich soil in which to grow things. That is all."

Aqua piped up at that: "Growing things, huh? How about it, sir Kazuma, planning to switch jobs to a Farmer? You can make your own fields and do your own irrigation! Why, you were practically born for it! Pffft hee-hee-hee!"

I pointed my soil-filled right hand at Aqua and made a gesture with my left.

"Wind Breath!" "Eeeeyah! G-gaah! My eyeees…"

A gust of wind blew the dirt straight into Aqua's face. The goddess and her sand-filled eyes writhed on the ground.

"Huh, so that's how you use it."

"No, no, it isn't! That is not how you are supposed to use it! How come you are better at beginner magic than an actual Wizard, anyway?"

8

"I feel a chill. Kazuma, didn't the quest say we were looking for a Zombie Maker? I don't think it's that simple… I have a feeling a much worse kind of undead is waiting for us…," Aqua said quaveringly.

The moon had risen; it was late in the night.

"Hey, don't say that. You'll jinx us. We're here to take out one Zombie Maker. Then we rebury the zombies, head back to the stable, and go to sleep. And if anything weird happens and things don't go according to plan, we'll skip right to going home. Okay?"

Everyone nodded. It was almost time. We began to walk toward the graveyard, with me on point, using the Sense Foe skill I'd learned from Chris. Aqua's words bothered me, but not too much. She was always spouting pointless nonsense, after all. Well, almost always… …Huh?

"I feel kind of a tingle. Sense Foe is working. There's one, two…three?"

Huh? That was too many. Granted, we'd heard a Zombie Maker could have two or three zombie underlings. This was within the margin of error. Just as I was thinking that, a bluish-white light shone in the middle of the cemetery. …What was that? The light was weirdly, wondrously blue. It seemed oddly far-off, and it looked like a magic circle. And standing next to the circle was a black-robed figure.

"Odd… I do not believe…that is a Zombie Maker," Megumin whispered uncertainly.

Several human forms milled about near the robed person.

"Do we go in? It may not be a Zombie Maker, but anyone in a graveyard at this time of night is an undead for sure. So as long as we've got our Arch-priest with us, we'll be fine."

Darkness was fidgeting, holding her great sword against her chest. Calm down already, you. Then Aqua seemed to lose it.

"Ahhhhhh!" she screamed suddenly, and then, before I could figure out what she was thinking, she leaped up and dashed toward the robed figure.

"Wha—? Hey, wait!"

She didn't seem to hear me. Instead, as she neared the mysterious character, she pointed a finger at it accusingly.

"How dare a Lich show her face here so nonchalantly?! You'll pay for this!"

A Lich? That was a serious undead monster, up on top of the pecking order with vampires and the like. They were known as No-Life Kings: mages who'd mastered the very limits of magic and then abandoned their natural bodies through arcane rituals. Unlike the average undead, who got that way because of an enduring grudge or powerful attachment to this world, Liches were unhallowed beings who'd deliberately twisted the laws of nature. Basically, you might expect to see them as a final boss. And here we were looking right at one…

"Eeeek! St-st-stop iiit! Who are you, ma'am?! And why are you trying to break my magic circle?! Stop it! Please stop!"

"Shut your undead mouth! You're up to no good with this circle, I'm sure! Spit it out! Confess!"

Our enemy, the fearsome foe, the final boss, was clinging tearfully to Aqua's legs, trying to keep her from stomping all over the magic circle. The undead that the Lich (?) was controlling did nothing to intervene, just stared blankly at the two of them. Sooo…what now? I guess we didn't have a Zombie Maker on our hands, at any rate. Aqua kept shouting about a Lich, but the supposedly powerful monster looked more like a girl getting bullied by some punk.

"Stop it! Stop, please! This circle helps lost souls find their way to Heaven! Look! You see all those souls ascending from the circle, right?!"

(image Here)

It was true: Bluish-white humanlike figures were appearing from out of nowhere, entering the circle and floating up to the sky in the bluish light.

"You put on a pretty good nice-girl act, Lich! But how about you sit back and let an Arch-priest handle the good-guy stuff?! Why bother with a silly magic ring when I can take care of this whole cemetery at once!" "Whaaa—? Wait! Stop!"

The Lich grew ever more panicked at Aqua's pronouncement. Aqua ignored her. She spread her arms wide and cried:

"Turn Undead!"

A white light spread out from Aqua and engulfed the entire graveyard. No sooner had the light touched the Lich's zombies than they vanished. When it reached the human souls who'd gathered in the circle, they, too, disappeared. And then the light reached the Lich…

"Eeeyaaahh! I-I'm vanishing! Stop! Please stop! I'm going to disappear! I'm not ready to move on yet!"

"Ahhh-ha-ha-ha! Foolish Lich! Defier of the laws of nature! Undead abomination, turning your back on the will of the gods! Soon I'll erase you without a trace!"

"Hey, leave her alone already."

I gave Aqua a bop on the back of the head with my sword hilt.

"Huh?! O-owww! What's the big idea?!"

The knock on the head must have broken her concentration, because the white light vanished. Aqua turned on me with her hand to her head and tears in her eyes. When Darkness and Megumin joined us, I was ignoring Aqua's attempts to strangle me and instead talking to the Lich, who sat shaking on the ground.

"H-hey, are you all right, um…Lich? Can I call you Lich?"

I could see that her legs were semitransparent, having started to disappear. They slowly returned to normal, and she unsteadily stood up.

"I-I-I'm all right… Th-that was a close one. Thank you for saving me! Y-you're right—I'm a Lich. My name is Wiz."

As she spoke, she drew back her hood. The moonlight illuminated a face that looked like a normal human's, albeit someone barely twenty years old. Brown hair framed her face. In fact, she was quite lovely. Somehow, I'd imagined a Lich would look like a skeleton or something. Wiz's robes were all black, the very picture of an evil mage. Wait—did she still count as an evil mage if she was also a Lich?

"Um, Wiz… What exactly are you doing here? I mean, in a graveyard in the middle of the night? You said something about sending souls to Heaven? Aqua might have been a little hasty, but I agree that that doesn't sound like something a Lich would do."

"Be careful, Kazuma! If you talk to this rotten apple, you'll become undead, too! Let me cast Turn Undead on her!" Aqua angrily jumped to her feet and made to cast a spell on Wiz. Wiz ducked behind my back, looking both frightened and dismayed, before saying,

"Y-yes, I am a Lich, as you can see. A No-Life King. Because I'm a ruler among the undead, I can hear the cries of wandering souls. This is a communal graveyard. Most of the people here were too poor to receive a proper burial. Now they drift among the graves every night, unable to reach Heaven. Since they are under my authority, I come here regularly to help all the little ones who wish to ascend to Heaven."

Gosh, this…this really pulls on my heartstrings. She was actually a good person. Other than some shopkeepers, maybe the first really decent person I'd met since getting here. I mean, I guess she wasn't a person in the strictest sense.

"That's really admirable, but…isn't that something you should leave for the town's Priests to take care of? Well, Aqua aside."

Wiz glanced uncomfortably at Aqua's frustrated expression before replying—

"Well, you see…the Priests in this town, they…they really care only about money. The poor go forgotten…"

No wonder she looked uncomfortable, with an Arch-priest—Aqua, at that— standing right there.

"Followers of the almighty eris, eh?" I said.

"I guess they wouldn't be caught dead holding services in a graveyard for the poor—if you'll excuse the expression."

Everyone looked at Aqua in silence, who awkwardly avoided our collective gaze.

"Well, no changing that, I guess," I went on.

"But do you think you could stop summoning all these zombies? We came here thinking we were on the trail of a Zombie Maker, you know."

Wiz seemed uneasy at my words. "Oh…I see… But I don't exactly summon them; when I come here, the spirits who still have bodies simply react to my magical power and come out on their own. If I knew someone was helping the lost souls, though, I wouldn't need to keep coming here…"

A long pause.

"Oh, isn't there something we can do?"

9

We were on our way home from the cemetery.

"I cannot accept this!" Aqua was still angry.

The sky was already brightening.

"Sorry. She was so sweet. How could you want to destroy her?"

We'd decided to let the Lich go. And we agreed that Aqua, who had plenty of time on her hands anyway, would go to the graveyard every so often to help along its wandering spirits. Aqua might have been a pretty rotten goddess, but even she seemed to understand that helping lost souls and the undead was her duty.

Even if she complained about not being able to sleep in anymore. Darkness and Megumin, who'd at first resisted the idea of letting a monster off the hook, relented when they learned that Wiz had never actually attacked anyone. I looked at the piece of paper Wiz had given me and muttered:

"A Lich just makes her home in this town and nobody minds? Some security."

The piece of paper gave her address. It turned out she was living in Axel, just like we were. In fact, she was running a little shop that specialized in magic items. When I said I'd always pictured Liches living in the deepest depths of some dungeon, she replied that dungeons were awfully inconvenient and there was no reason to go out of your way to live in one. I got what she was saying: Liches were human once, too. But even though I got it, this place had sure upended most of my assumptions about fantasy worlds. It was nothing like what my games had led me to believe.

"All the same, I am glad things ended peacefully. We may have had Aqua on our side, but we were still facing a Lich. If it had come to a fight, Kazuma and I would have surely died," Megumin said casually.

I almost choked.

"Erk! Are Liches really that dangerous? Just how close a call was this?"

"'Close' does not begin to describe it. Liches have extremely high Magic Defense, and only enchanted weapons can harm them. They can inflict a variety of status conditions merely by touching you, or they can absorb your HP and MP. Truly, they are legendary foes. Indeed, what I find perplexing is that Aqua's Turn Undead spell worked on her at all."

Good point. Liches were at the top of the undead heap, after all. I was happy to take her business card because she said she would teach me some Lich abilities, but…when I went to see her, I figured I'd be sure to bring Aqua with me.

"Kazuma, gimme that business card. I'm gonna get to her house before she does and place a holy barrier around it. That'll show her!"

"L-lay off it, would you…?"

On second thought, maybe I'd leave her at home.

Darkness interrupted my thoughts with a question: "Where does this leave our Zombie Maker quest?"

With a sigh, all of us said at once: "Oh."

Quest failed.