Epilogue

"Ah! There really is no place like home! I've had enough travel. What was a hikikomori like me even thinking, leaving the house like that?"

It felt great to be back at our mansion after so long away. Two major trips in a row were a little too much for someone who was used to staying shut up in his room. Plus, my business deal with Vanir would mean big money soon enough. I wouldn't have to go on any more trips. I wouldn't even have to go outside.

I was thrilled when the people of Crimson Magic Village had insisted that we take the entire reward for defeating Sylvia. The upshot was that I had plenty of funds now.

I'd decided. No more risky stuff. I didn't care who came to me with what sob story.

"Didn't take you long to show what a worthless excuse for a human being you are, huh, Kazuma? I have to admit I find it oddly reassuring. It kind of helps me feel like I don't have to bother trying too hard, either."

"Aqua, that's only because you think he's like you! Don't sink to his level— he's an example to avoid, not emulate!"

Darkness. How rude.

"Let us go easy," Megumin said. "I think this time, at least, Kazuma did a great job. He deciphered the ancient letters, figured out how to use the weapon, and then defeated Sylvia." Megumin seemed uncharacteristically prepared to take my side.

"It was your magic that defeated Sylvia, Megumin," I said. "I just pulled the trigger."

"Not at all! Without that weapon to turn magic into sheer destruction, I wouldn't have had the power to do it. It was all thanks to you finding that weapon."

We were basically patting each other on the back at this point.

"…Aqua, what do you suppose is up with those two?" Darkness asked.

"They've seemed a little weird ever since we got back… Y-you don't suppose that, while sleeping in the same bed, they finally…?!"

"All right, that's enough speculation. Nothing happened! Right, Megumin? We didn't… Hey, aren't you gonna back me up? She's looking at me all suspiciously!"

Darkness was giving me a dubious look as Megumin made her way over to Aqua, still not denying anything. She seemed to be interested in something Aqua was holding. Wait—didn't Aqua usually jump right in with some stupid remark at times like this? What was going on? What had she been doing over there on the couch since—?

DA-DIIING!

… "Just when did you get your hands on a game? Hey, let me play, too. That should be mine anyway—I'm the gamer here!"

"If you want to borrow it, you'll have to give me something in exchange!

Specifically, take my turn cleaning the bathroom tomorrow!"

Just as we were fighting over the Game Girl Aqua had brought home, there was a knock on the door and a man's voice from outside.

"Excuse me, is anyone home?"

Aqua and I looked at each other and nodded silently. We crept up to the door… "Is anyone ho—? Oh, hello. Are you the owner of this m—? Wait, what are you—?! Yikes! Stop!"

"I don't know who you are, but I'm sure you are here to drag us into some new problem! Be gone, troublemaker!"

"Kazuma, Drain Touch him! Drain his HP until he blacks out! Then we'll toss him out of here and pretend we never saw him!"

"What's this all of a sudden?! Kazuma, what are you doing?! Let go of his hand!"

"I understand you do not want any more trouble, but attacking total strangers is not the answer!"

Darkness and Megumin tried to pull me off our visitor, each grabbing a hand.

The person at our door was a butler type, just on the verge of old age. He was breathing hard and keeping a very close eye on Aqua and me.

When Darkness got a look at him, she exclaimed, "Hagen, is that you?! I thought I told you not to come here unless there was a serious emergency. It's not that I don't want you around; it's just, as you can see, I was worried what might happen to you when you showed up…" Apparently, this guy was one of Darkness's family's servants. But why was she worried about what would happen to him?

…Well, to be fair, you only had to look at what was happening to him right at that moment.

The butler coughed and then, having collected himself, said, "Young Lady, it is precisely such a grave emergency that has brought me here. As it happens—" Stop! No more problems! No more risks! No more trouble!

I plugged my ears in an attempt to block out what the butler was saying, but Darkness grabbed my hands and pulled them away from my head so I had to listen.

"S-stop that!" I begged her. "I guarantee this has nothing to do with me—and I don't want it to! I don't want to go anywhere, and I don't want to put myself in danger! I just want to relax at home!"

"You know, I'm really worried about how dirty the toilet must have gotten while we were away. I think I'll go clean it."

As I argued furiously and Aqua tried to make an escape, Darkness grabbed us both and turned to her butler.

"What in the world is going on? Has something happened at home?"

"Something of the utmost importance, milady!" he replied. "If things go on as they are, your only assets shall be lost!"

True, it was hard to ignore that.

"What does he mean, Darkness?! Don't tell me—are you going to go flat?! Is this outrageous body of yours going to wither?! I knew you were too hot to be true! You have the money and power to get a magical item that makes your chest bigger—and that's just what you did, isn't it?!"

"What are you babbling about?! My assets are my defensive abilities, and… No, wait! Hagen, how terrible of you! I must have more assets than that…!

Megumin, Aqua, I do have some good points, don't I?" she asked, on the verge of tears.

"I am more interested in this magical item that makes chests bigger," Megumin said. "Do you have one or not? And if so, please tell me all about it…" "Kazuma—and you, old guy—you're both awful! Darkness has lots of good points! Like, she's a softy who will give in to almost anything if you cry and beg her for it. And she's gullible enough to believe pretty much whatever you tell her, which is a great way to pass the time when you're bored, and— Ow, ow, ow, ow, owww! Darkness, stop! You'll split my head open! I'm praising you, here!"

As Darkness dug her fingers into Aqua's temples, the butler said, "That is not what I meant! I meant that our household may lose its noble standing and the young lady be reduced to a commoner! And then our all-too-unworldly mistress would have only one conceivable means of supporting herself: selling her unbelievable bod— Eeeyowch! Milady, please, have mercy on these old bones!

You shall kill me!"

Darkness, tears in her eyes, was strangling the butler. A letter dropped at their feet.

"…? What's this?"

"It is a letter from the royal family. If you read it, you will understand my urgency. It relates to your Mr. Satou, as well…" He glanced in my direction as he spoke. Please, just leave me out of things for once!

Darkness opened the letter, her face going pale before our eyes. Then she slumped to her knees. Whatever was in that letter, it must have been real trouble.

"…What's the story?" I asked hesitantly, and Darkness gave a start.

"N-n-nothing! It has absolutely nothing to do with you, so—so don't worry about it!"

Suspicious of her sudden change of tone, I held out my hand.

"Let me see it."

"N-no, sorry. I-I'm sorry for dragging you into everything all the time. Just like you said, right? No more problems! So this time—" "Steal!"

"Ahh!"

The letter popped into my hand. Aqua and Megumin came up curiously behind me, and together we scanned its contents… To the honorable Kazuma Satou, who has rendered such great service to our country by his defeat of numerous generals of the Demon King. We have heard of your most estimable activities and wish by all means to speak with you.

Perhaps we could dine together.

The seal of state and the name of the sender came at the end of the letter.

The sender's name was Iris. Even I knew who that was—the king's eldest daughter.

I.e., the princess.

"Kazuma, turn her down! If you make one wrong move with Princess Iris, it could mean your head! If anyone in our party gets out of line, it could create a huge problem! You don't know the first thing about etiquette, right? And you hate being all stiff and formal. Right? So turn her down! I—I know! The Dustiness family can call in some favors with a nice, tasty restaurant someplace, and we can get just our closest friends together to celebrate all your achievements! So…!"

I looked at Aqua and Megumin, and we all nodded at one another.

"It looks like our moment has come at last."

Darkness shook her head furiously, tears flying, and clung to my waist.

FIN.