She hides all her problems behind a smile

TW: self harm

Bea's POV

I walk into Josh's house and I'm immediately met with an overwhelming sense of dread.

His friends, all drunk, are attacking Ryan for no reason. I try to intervene, but they won't listen.

I can only shake my head in disappointment, because I know these people are Theo's friends. They are close-minded idiots who can't fathom why Josh and Theo can socialize with black people. It is moments like this that make me question why Theo still hangs out with them. I know he can do better, and it's a shame that he chooses to keep such toxic company.

The boys all start singing and Ryan joins in-

"Bro, who let the monkey start singing?"

Silence. A deadly silence.

Josh stands up, "Bro what the fuck,"

"Aww you upset because we hurt your girlfriend?"

His other friend joins in-

"Nah bro it's calm we can't even see her when we turn the lights off."

This is the type of shit that I deal with.

All the anger and hate I receive for my skin colour has led me to wanting to bleach my skin. People can be so cruel, it's so hard to love yourself when you feel the pressure to be a certain way.

I can't help but feel like my skin colour is so disliked, and it's hard to want to stay in it when I'm constantly receiving negative comments about it.

I know it's wrong, but sometimes it seems like bleaching my skin is the only way to escape the hate. Even though it's not a long-term solution, it's the only thing that I can do to feel accepted and loved in this moment.

Josh doesn't know, Ryan never did-

I'm running upstairs, heart pounding as I hear Ryan and Josh shouting at the boys.

I can't take it anymore.

The tension and anger in the room is horrible and I need an outlet, a way to deal with the stress. I know it sounds bad, but I need to bleach.

I need to take my mind off the shouting and the tension and the worry that I'm going to do something wrong. I need a way to let out the steam, to feel better, to feel relieved. I know bleach won't solve anything, but it's a way of taking my mind off the shouting, and it's a way of escaping the pain. I need relief, and I need it now.

"Bea! Are you upstairs?"

I hear footsteps running up the stairs-

"Bea- what are you doing?"

And there he stood. Ryan saw me in the bath-

"Is that bleach?!"

He saw me helpless, lifeless. I didn't need him to see me like this.

"Ryan don't worry, it's nothing."

"Bea, I have to worry,"

"Just don't tell Josh please-"

Josh walks in, "Well it's a bit too late now,"

"Josh don't get mad."

"What the fuck Bea!"

"No. What the fuck Josh. Josh, these are your friends and they have hurt me. And I know it's not your fault, it still affects me deeply. So if I decide to self-harm, to take away the pain that I'm feeling, you can't get mad at me for something that you basically caused. I know it's not intentional, but the hurt still lingers. It's my coping mechanism, and I know it's not the healthiest way to deal with the pain, but it's the only thing I can think of right now."

"Bea, I just don't understand why you would do this,"

"Josh, put yourself in my shoes. See how it feels to have someone judge based on you skin colour,"

"I can't."

"Well then maybe we're not supposed to be together."

"Bea, I want to be there for you,"

"No Josh, go downstairs and be with your friends."

He walks downstairs, and I'm left with Ryan-

"Bea, why did you do that?"

"If he doesn't understand me, maybe we aren't supposed to be together."

"You know that's bullshit. You love him,"

"But how do I know that he loves me. How do I have the certainty to wake up every day knowing that he looks at me without thinking of my skin colour."

"You know that he loves you. You're ruining this for yourself,"

"Maybe I am, Ryan. But I need to protect myself, I can't get hurt again. I just can't."

"Do you wanna come back to mine?"

"No, it's fine. I was going to sleep here anyway."

As Ryan walks out I can't help but feel like I'm incomplete without him in my life. I can't help but feel like I'm missing a part of my life without him.

-11pm

We all experience moments in our life where we feel like we're not enough. We look in the mirror and feel disappointed with what we see.

The act of self-hate can be expressed in many ways. For me, it was bleaching my skin. I felt that by becoming lighter, I would be more accepted. But I soon found out that it was the easy way out, and I hated myself for it. I was stuck in a cycle of self-loathing, and I felt like I could never escape.

The other thing that I hated myself for was putting Josh, in a difficult position. I was so focused on my own insecurities that I didn't consider how my actions would affect him. I felt like I was dragging him down with me, and I hated myself for it.

Sometimes, I'd find myself in the shower with the water turned up to full heat. I wanted to feel like I was melting away, and that no one would care if I was gone. It was a desperate cry for help, and a sign that I needed to start taking myself seriously.

"Josh, I don't think I can do this anymore,"

I take a deep breath-

"We can't be together."