Commercial

Do you spend your nights cruising gay bars?

Have you recently been gangbanged by a bunch of randy sailors?

Do you need to take off your shoes if you want to count your last week's sex partners on your fingers?

Are you afraid that you have caught the gay plague?

Fear no longer. Know for sure in only thirty minutes with the Aperture Automated Sanguine Extractor and Disease Detection Device Mark 1.

Before planning for the future first, find out if you have one.

FDA approval pending. Warning: the accuracy of the device is not 100%. Further testing is available at the Aperture Enrichment Center, Shaft 2. Aperture Labs is offering employment to those who tested positive—Limited numbers. Survival is not guaranteed.