Chapter 17 Who Am I?

We've lived in the same house for 50 years and after I was fifteen when I got to realise the kind of life I was to live she'd never called me again to her study. She has always relayed information to others to deliver to me. She always acted like my existence alone was a big mistake and with time I came to believe that it actually was, but anyways, she should properly have something grand to say like she always has but this time it's different since I broke all her rules. I knocked on the door to inform her of my appearance.

"yes, who is it?"

"you called for me?"

"come in, Heaven." She said and I went inside.

"take a sit, Heaven." She always said my name like it was a sort of reminder for her, it was so painful to hear, you could see and feel right through her pronunciation that there was something sad about it. "is there anything you'd like to say for yourself before I commence?" she said after I had taken my sit. I'd always keep my mouth shut, I'd always been someone that I'd rather die than to say my mind but today I could feel that girl and everything that defined her falling apart. Today, for the first time I had not just something but a lot to say.

"mum, today, I have a lot to say. Not just to say but to ask. I'm going to be needing answers to those questions you've dodged for 50 years." She scoffed and looked at me with those her eyes that had always been stained. In one word that was what I'd describe my mum as – stained. And it's obvious that I stained her.

"so, the day is here when you won't listen to me anymore because you feel like I've deprived you of everything that's yours. Let me break it down for you, Heaven" she said my name and it sounded like torture to my eardrum. I couldn't take it. no! I won't take any of it, her words, the pain, the never good enough feeling, the heart ache, the endless burning questions. Today it ends, I say, it ends today.

"enough of it mum! Can't you see, you've been going around in circles for the past 35 years to be exact and I just can't take anymore of it. I understand that you're in pain or your going through your own things but its been 50 years since I happened or it happened and it seems you've failed to wake up from it. This is not enough for me, I need more.

"for the past 50 years I have given you everything that is yours, I have never taken anything away from you but since you think these things aren't enough for you then let me tell you that all those things you desire are not yours, they've never been yours, Heaven." She said and I just couldn't understand her so I laughed all the confusion out because I couldn't store any more of it.

"see mum, you've always talked like that, always been like that. Your breaking it down to me in PARABLES! How can I ever understand anything you say? What do you mean they're not mine and if they're not mine then what is mine?" There were tears in my eyes and I hated the fact that they were there because right now is not the time for it, no matter how painful this moment is proving itself.

"you have a whole lot of things but these things they're just like you... forbidden." They fell, the tears fell. Her words were like thousands of broken glasses tearing my already broken heart. It really hurt. It hurt like hell.

"there, you said it right to my face. Why am I forbidden, why do I even look like this?" I said making gestures to my body and now that chair couldn't contain me and I was out of it screaming to her face: "WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET ME FROM! WHO THE HELL AM I?!"

"you will never get the answers to that question from me, I have locked up those answers and thrown away the key to them a long time ago. If you want to find those answers you'd have to look for them yourself."

"oh! I will. And if what I seek isn't mine then I'll make it mine. Whatever I do, I won't stop until the whole truth has been laid before me. Mark my words, mum. Whatever you're hiding you better fight with your life to protect because when I find it out, I'LL THROW IT RIGHT IN THE OPEN AND THERE WILL BE NO STOPPING!" I threw the words at her face, her whole presence at that moment was irritating me to the core.

"go ahead, I won't stop you know. I've stopped you for the past 35 years thinking you'd stay in your place but how could you when you don't even know what your place is." There she went again adding fuel to an already raging fire. "but just know that when you do find it out, you will have thrown yourself to the fire."

"no, mum. That's where you make the mistake, I already am the fire." I said and left the residence. I didn't want to be on land, who knew what I'd do if I was? I took to the sky and spent my evening flying to an unknown destination.

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