66 So

"Yes, I said that." I am a little shocked at myself.

I said that!? Really? Did I mean it? I think... no, I did. I do love him. Was I ready to say that to him though? Was he ready to hear it?

I study his face that reflects my same searching gaze.

I suddenly feel self conscious, blushing, I shy away from his gaze. Clearing my throat, I try to find words to say something in response.

I finally shrug and just to break the silence, laugh out, "Heat of the moment?"

I cover my face with my hands, burning from embarrassment, unable to look at him. I feel him get up from the bed, and walk away.

It stung me that he didn't say anything to me in response. As I thought about it, it started to hurt. My heart had a deep ache that I had not felt in a long time. A tear fell down my face, into my palms, and I quickly wiped it away.

Breathe in, breathe out, Lirael, you can get through this without breaking down. You will make it through this without breaking down, because you're overreacting. You are overthinking the situation.

I calm myself before another tear can drop, so I stand and go to the bathroom to clean up. He's in the shower, so I hop in with him.

"Hey." His response to my appearance is nonchalant as he rinses the soap off his body.

I give a tight grimace of a smile in response, even though he couldn't see it as he closed his eyes to rinse off. I quickly washed up and rinsed off, wishing I could wash off the emotions running through me at the moment. When I finished drying off, I head out of the bathroom to find Lance still naked lying on the bed, blankets pulled back.

He pats the mattress, face still stoic, as he requests, "Come, lay down with me."

I hesitate a moment, but awkwardly smile as I climb in next to him, still naked. I go to lay on my side, facing away from him, but he lays a leg over mine, keeping me on my back.

He props himself up on an elbow, his free hand encircling my waist to hold me against him. "You want to talk about that earlier?"

I squirm a little in his arms, suddenly feeling warm all over. "Um... that slip of the tongue?" I laugh sounding so awkward, I feel like I should have been in one of those high school teen romance movies.

"Yes, was that really a slip of the tongue?" He runs his hand on my waist up to my chest and teases my neck to rest it on my cheek. "...Or was it really just a heat of the moment, mishap?"

I know I look confused at the moment, "What's the difference?"

He sighs, shaking his head, "Did you mean it and it slipped out, or did you mix up your words in the heat of the moment and just mean that you love how I make you feel with my cock?"

His eyes suddenly become full of emotions like lighthouse beacons searching for any sign of a ship or life raft with the answer he's hoping for, clinging in a sea of questions.

But what is the answer that he's looking for? Is he searching for me to honestly say, yes, I'm falling in love with him? Or is he hoping this is still an easier more casual relationship? I don't know what he wants to hear, so how should I answer?

"I...don't... don't know?" I stutter, covering my face with my hand again, squinting my eyes in annoyance.

Lance sighs, taking my hand down from my face, "Lirael, you are safe with me, I just want to know why you said that." His voice is soft and he is trying to be reassuring, but I feel so insecure at this moment.

I turn and groan into the mattress, muffling my response of, "I don't know why."

Lance gives an exasperated sigh, releasing me from his arms, "Alright, you don't know why. I won't ask you again, Lirael. Goodnight." He rolls over, facing away from me, his body tense as he starts to attempt to go to sleep.

I sit up, a little shocked and thrown off by his sudden change in demeanor. "You asked and I answer you, and because it's not the answer that you thought it was, you're mad at me?!"

I scoff, thinking to myself, 'well fine then.' His reaction feels like a fuse was just lit inside of me. I go ahead and get up and put my pajamas back on, shaking my head at his pompous tantrum.

He rolls back over and sits up, "No, I wasn't mad at you, Lirael. Are you the only one allowed to have their feelings hurt between us?" He asks, throwing his hands up in the air. His eyes rake up and down my body, seeing me putting my pajamas back on and groans, "Why are you getting dressed? I just needed a minute to work myself out inside, I didn't mean for you to get dressed..." He covers his face in his hands and shakes his head as he runs his hand over it breathing out heavily.

I scoff, "IF we are going to discuss this, I wanted to be dressed. Why are my pajamas even an issue? The issue is why you decided to turn away from me like a child, when you didn't get the answer you liked? You tell me I'm safe, to talk about how I'm feeling, but your actions just said otherwise." I put my hands on my hips, staring him down, because he knows I'm right.

"SO, I'm acting like a child now?!" His face is contorted in confusion as he repeats what stuck out the most to him in that statement of mine.

"Yeah, it was a little childish." I say crossing my arms, "I mean why would you do that? 'Alright, you don't know why. I won't ask you again, Lance. Goodnight.'" I repeat, and turn around, walking away.

"Lirael?!" Lance jumps out of bed and runs after me, "What the hell?!" He grabs me by my arm to stop me.

"Yeah, that kind of response doesn't make you feel good, does it?" I fume, disappointment forming in my eyes. "I don't know what you wanted to hear from me?!" I pull my arm from his hand, hugging myself. "I care about you! I don't know why it came out like that! OKAY?!" I push past him, heading towards the living room, to grab my shoes and purse.

I need to go home and give us both some time and space to calm down. This will just escalate from here.

"Lirael?" Lance's voice is calmer than before, but still has an uneasy edge to it, the way he's standing watching me look for my shoes and purse.

"What?" I retort, snapping at him.

"What are you doing?" Lance rubs his arm and motions with his hand at me pacing and searching.

I scoff, pausing to raise a brow at him, "Looking for my purse and shoes so I can go home. I think it would be good for us to calm down and talk later." I huff, returning to my search.

Finding my shoes, I slip them on before going to the coat rack where my purse hangs. Lance steps in front of me, hands up in surrender, eyes silently begging.

"You don't need to leave, Lirael. I'm sorry for reacting the way I did. Please, don't go. Stay with me, please?"