Break up, back up

I was the one who left. I left him with no explanations, so it's right to act that he doesn't know me at all.

"Oh! Right, Alex. He's from Cebu, and I guess you went to the same high school," Miyah said while chewing her food.

"Really?" I pretended to be surprised by Miyah's statement. I acted like I didn't know him as well. I wanted to cry but knew I should not ruin this day.

"Yeah, right, baby?" she asked the man from my past.

"Yes, babe," he smiled sweetly at Miyah.

This is killing me.

"Please excuse me!" I said, standing up. I went to the restroom and broke down. I know I'm still wearing makeup, but I can't help it now. I can't handle it.

Why now, Alex?

Why Miyah?

Am I really entangled in my past?

Why can't I be happy for Miyah?

I stayed there for almost thirty minutes until I heard a knock outside.

"Alex, are you okay?" It was Ken. I know I should compose myself. My eyes are so red, and I can't hide that I've been crying.

"Yes! Um...my Mom called, and she congratulated me. I–I kind of – kind of emotional this time – so – yeah! I'm not okay!" I made an excuse. "Just wait a sec. I'll just fix myself for a while!" I added.

I came out, but the puffiness of my eyes was still evident.

"What happened to you?" Miyah's concern is hurting me again.

"Don't mind me. I just got a call from my Mom, and she's congratulating me. You know, I got emotional," I said with a forced laugh. I shouldn't be lying to Miyah, but I have no choice.

But what hurts me more is the man in front of me who can't even face me at all. I know I was wrong before. It was so immature of me, but I can't go back to the past and rewrite the history. "If it's okay, Miyah, can I go home first?" I asked.

"Oh, is that so? I got it, but okay, sis. We understand." She held Alex's hands again, making me want to cry for the nth time. Miyah hugged me, and I couldn't hold back my tears. I wish Miyah could comfort me this time, but I know she can't, and neither can Ken.

It's not the right timing to be overly emotional. But I'm not really exaggerating; it just hurts so much to see what I see now.

"Thanks! See you when I see you," I said with a bitter tone. Ken was already in the car while I walked away from where Miyah and I stood.

I turned around, and Alex spoke. "Take care, Alex. It was nice meeting you again." I looked at him; he smiled, and it pained me even more.

"Yeah! Thank you." I broke once again and walked quickly. I cried continuously in the car while Ken was driving. He just let me be, and it felt good. I don't have anything to explain; it is what it is.

Ken dropped me off at home. He knows I need to be alone, be with myself, and meditate. He just left me a message.

Take care, baby! Know that I love you and will always love you. Just tell me when you're ready to share.

I felt guilty. I was with him, but I was crying because of another man.

Flashback.

I am now in my 4th year in high school, and Alex is at the University of St. Luis Cebu. He's in his first year of college.

Today is our 365 days, our anniversary. Throughout the months of being together, Alex never fails to surprise me. He dances in public when I say so. He even serenaded me inside the classroom when we had our 4th month. It was fun, although we got in trouble with the disciplinarian because we were too affectionate. Some people were just jealous.

We celebrated Christmas with fireworks together and spent New Year's Eve at the beach. He even asked the first-year students who were scared of him to give me flowers. One hundred fifty roses, to be exact. That was during our fifth month.

Alex is so sweet and cheesy in so many ways. During our 6th month, he even asked his uncle to empty the whole cinema because we were going to watch the movie together. Just the two of us. It was weird, but it was romantic.

We even sneaked out of school on our 7th month, which led us to the disciplinarian's office. He was almost not allowed to graduate because of what we did.

We had our first fight in our 8th month because I prioritized our outing with my classmates over him, but he still surprised me. He got me balloons and cake, and even my classmates were involved.

Little by little, I felt empty. Maybe I didn't like his sweetness anymore.

Suddenly, I don't know why, but I wanted some space.

I distanced myself from him and pretended to forget our 9th months.

He was in Baguio at the time because they were on vacation, and he went back to Cebu just to celebrate it with me. I should be thankful that he loves me more than I love him. But I still don't know; I'm not happy anymore. Maybe I don't want surprises anymore.

It continued until our anniversary, and I felt like I wanted to end everything. I wanted to try something new.

August 23, 2015

He wanted us to have a formal meal outside. He saved money so we could eat at an expensive restaurant. He was so happy, and I felt so guilty. It doesn't make sense, and I know it will hurt him so much if I break up with him, but I'm desperate.

"Happy anniversary, Pumpkin," he said with a smile. His deep dimples made him even more handsome. I felt so much guilt again. I felt this way three months ago. I shouldn't have let it last a year. He'll only suffer more.

We ate first before I gathered the courage to say what I wanted to say.

"Four years from now, I'll be a successful businessman. I'll be taking over Dad's company. And after that, we can go to Paris, Pumpkin. We'll explore the whole of Paris, isn't that what you want?" he joyfully narrated. This is what makes me want to quit; it's always about me. He never gave me the chance to prove that I deserved him too.

"Hey, are you listening?" he asked. Even when he's irritated, he still manages to smile and pretend that everything's okay.

"I have something to say, Alex!" I said softly, followed by a deep sigh.

"Alex? Isn't that unusual? You're not calling me Pumpkin anymore? That hurts," he pretended as if something was poking his heart.

"I'm serious!" Another deep sigh escaped me. "I know it's bad timing, but I don't want to delay it anymore, Alex," I desperately said. "Let's end this!" I said weakly.

Alex couldn't speak; instead, I heard a loud gulp.

"I'm sorry; I don't deserve you," that was the last thing I said, and I left him with tears streaming down my face.

The pain I felt was overwhelming, but I knew that Alex was feeling it twice or thrice as much. He never made mistakes; it's not that I was not content. I just felt so small when I was with him. I needed time to think. I needed space.

My phone rang several times, but I didn't answer. The rain outside was getting stronger, and I knew Alex was still there. I wanted to comfort him, but I had no energy to do so. Shame was consuming me. I just dropped a diamond while searching for bronze.

My phone received several text messages, but I didn't read any of them. I didn't want to read them because it would only make me feel more guilty.

He messaged me on my messenger, so that's where I replied.

Do we have a problem? Can't we talk about it? Maybe you're just confused?

No, I just...

But please, hear me out... If I did something wrong, I can change... Please don't do this to me, Pumpkin.

I'm sorry.

Why? Pumpkin?

I don't know.

Do you really have to end it know?

Yes! I'm sorry.

I love you, Pumpkin.

But I don't love you anymore, Alex!

Please come down! I'm outside, please.

Go home. My decision is final.

Please...

I'm sorry. Don't try to approach me; I don't want this anymore; we're done.

Please answer my calls. I want to see you. We don't have a problem, right?

I just need space, Alex. Please understand.

Understand me, too. Pumpkin, please. I'm begging... you know I can't live without you!

You can, Alex. You're just overthinking that you can't. I just need some time to think. Let me go... If you really love me, you'll respect my decision. I loved you before, but I love you no more. Sorry.

I blocked him on Facebook, so there's no way for him to contact me anymore.

I could hear him shouting desperately outside. It breaks my heart to see him like this.

"Please! Alex, let's talk about this! Alex!" I could hear his shouts. He just lowered his voice when the neighbors intervened.

I feel guilty.

After that day, I never heard about him. He transferred schools and changed his number, and I could not communicate with him.

...to be continued.