I Am An Idiot, I Am A Star

The human mind is so twisted and confused that they will do anything to hurt those dear and close to them out of ambition, envy, or anything that brings them a little personal joy.

Sometimes they betray themselves for little, and sometimes they have reason to do so because they are forced, under the threat of their own life or that of someone they love.

I'm not well placed to judge and point fingers at the choices of others. I do many hideous things to satisfy my desires and needs. So yes, I'm as twisted as any human being.

Maybe I'm even worse since I'm one of those who knows the risks and consequences of acting on their own and forgetting to take into account the needs of others.

It's not like it's true what I just said then. You know all too well that I find it hard to care what other people may feel. I take into account neither the sentimental nor the emotional factor. It's too complicated for me.

However, there is one person with whom it works pretty well because I have the impression of feeling what he feels, that I share his fears, his joy, his anguish, and so on.

I understand when a situation needs me to intervene because I analyze the data and consider the situation's statics and urgency.

Everything we do in life is guided by our feelings and emotions, whether positive or negative.

An intense emotional state manifests as a tangible mental and physical disturbance that prevents the human being from reacting reasonably and appropriately to the event that caused it. Emotion is so strong that it tends to overwhelm them and make them lose meaning. Fortunately, it is temporary.

The feeling is the awareness of an emotional state. Like emotion, it is also an affective state, but unlike it, it is built on mental representations. It takes hold of the individual, and his feelings are less intense.

Feelings are usually directed towards a specific point, like a situation or a person, while emotions may not have a well-defined object.

But did you know what's hilarious about all of this? I know the difference between the two, but I always react like a moron, I know what I have to do, but I keep getting carried away like the last of the morons.

It's much stronger than me to react on the spot of emotion, to let myself panic instead of thinking twice to help me consider the other factors. However, I know that for my panic attacks, I would need much more practice than theory to channel them.

There are six categories of feelings, but there are only two that I understand best because I can tell the difference between two groups of people in my life. The friendly feeling and the loving feeling, my friends and Kenan, represent the two categories.

I understand that I don't feel the same way about my friends as I do about Ken, although there are some commonalities.

The only difference is that I can't give myself 100 percent to my friends if my thoughts are troubled and tormented because of Kenan, yet if there's something that doesn't go too well with the others, as long as Kenan is there, everything is fine.

I concentrate and work without getting lost when everything is going well with Kenan.

I persisted for these two weeks, acting foolishly and moping in my anger because he lied to me, yet I did not give him time to explain or talk to me.

That very evening, when he got into his car at the speed of a scared mouse, the first thing he did was call me. He stayed on his steering wheel crying before he found the strength to start the car, while I stayed there in the shadows waiting for him to decide to start the car and drive away.

I wasn't going to leave him alone without knowing if he could get in well, but that didn't stop me from reacting like the last of the assholes.

I only thought of myself, yet I should have spoken to him to find out how he was. I was too angry to talk to him, so I avoided him. If something worse than that had happened, I don't think I would have the courage to forgive myself.

It would mean that I failed to protect someone who means more to me than anything, while I do everything for...

And here I am again, on the stroke of emotion, at the wheel of my sports car, driving at full speed towards Kenan. Why?

Well, because he didn't dare answer my damn call, he spent almost two weeks calling me until Cody finally got involved, and yet I can't stand the fact that he refuses to answer my call.

" What the fuck is my problem? What the fuck is your problem, Quincy?" I screamed with all my might and pounded the steering wheel with my fist.

I'm stupid, and I'm useless. I'm selfish and mean. I'm not even sure I have my heart in the right place. I'm a double asshole and a self-centered, narcissistic fool.

Poor Cody! I think he did everything to prevent me from doing something even more stupid than I already am. However, hey, it didn't come to anything because I still found myself driving with my head throbbing, my ears ringing like hell, and my eyes probably covered with one of those bluish shades that no one knew the name of or existence of yet.

He has no right to screen my calls; he has no fucking right to put me aside because I spent two or three days pissing him off. He has no damn right to throw me into oblivion. I'm not some kind of sock that he can get rid of in the blink of an eye.

He has undoubtedly reconciled with this poor guy named Zack, who sticks to his sneakers like bad red mud, easy to get attached to but hard to leave. It stays for life.

I'm going to get him and bring him back with me. This poor moron will not steal him from me. I will get rid of this lousy mud myself once and for all.

Yeah, I checked his GPS data, and he's home; that's the reason I'm heading straight to his house. At least he's not in danger somewhere unprotected or defenseless, although his home isn't a safe place for him either.

I may be crazy or intrusive, or whatever you call it; I'm not sure where to place myself on the scale, and maybe I'm paranoid too, but either way, there's something wrong with me. We can all agree with that, at least.

I activated his GPS data to give me notifications of all his routes. I constantly follow him without being able to take my eyes off his data for too long.

Cody expressed his concern about this decision, but he gave up anyway since this is the first time I have intentionally broken the rule of not snooping into his private life...

He's counting on me not to do too much, but I can't stop until he's entirely out of danger. The people around him are vipers who deserve to be uprooted.

***************************************************

I already told you I'm mind-blowing, shining like a midday sun in the middle of the night, standing in the way of the moon and the creatures of the night.

I'm the queen and the goddess of the night itself, in the middle of the day, giving a challenge to the penumbral king.

I believe dressing like this suits me better than typical men's clothes. And this purchase that I made is something that was missing to complete my personality. It will not be the opinion of all I know, but who exactly asked them for their opinion?

As they said, I am a boy, but I look more like a girl. They always see me as a boy who is not one. I think it's time for me to put a lot more emphasis on my femininity than I already do. I will take it to another level. Those clothes, which have no specific gender, are extraordinary and beautiful.

But I definitely prefer the ones that are more daring and expressive, the ones that speak for themselves, like this two-piece set I'm wearing.

I am aware and sure of having done too much, but I am not even the one who chose my outfit. It picked me up, among many others, while I was lost in my thoughts. We will put it in the fate statement; let's say we were destined to be together today.

It's true that for the jewels, I could have taken it easy, but unfortunately, I had no desire to hold back anymore. I was already there, so I might as well go all the way, I already have Quincy, who makes me turn crazy, so I don't need to add my two cents.

I want to feel sorry for my mother and think about her happiness, but I can't. It's like I'm reprogrammed. It's like something in me wants to reject the Kenan that I've always been and replace him with some heartless thing that only cares about his sexy tiny ass, a bitch, to be honest.

And I indeed want to think a lot more about myself than worry all the time about others wanting to take care of their emotions and feelings.

It's time for me to blossom, that I bloom, as my mom asks me all the time. She's not going to get mad at me for that, huh?

I promised to ensure she had those magical moments for as long as possible. It seems like it was all lip service because I'm about to mess it up with the back of my hand.

I may now be ready to have my teen crisis in the end. They often say only teenagers act like ungrateful monkeys at this time of their lives. I am about to be the most horrible monkey of my time.

They always do everything they can to prove to their parents that they were wrong and in total denial for giving birth to them. I've never been there, so better late than never.

If it starts today, I'm ready to face the consequences. I don't want to face those moments when I'm fifty. I want to be an excellent father to my children if I ever have any.

I don't want to be a grumpy and embittered asshole to prevent them from enjoying their lives because I was forced to walk by the rules of my time-dirty father.

While heading towards the backyard where the table or the buffet has been set, since I don't exactly know what service they are going to do, I feel myself flying. I have a light step, like when I danced for this asshole; my heart is celebrating, yet I am sad.

I'm sad because that little prick Aim exercises this power over me, the power to make me happy and unhappy simultaneously. I mustn't let anyone act like this to me. It's harmful and upsetting.

This is something I will work on from now on. I will never again allow anyone to decide my mood, disturb my emotions, or make my feelings feverish and almost unstable.

Sometimes I hate him and have a deep resentment towards him. In fact, I think it's not just an impression; I really hate him.

The staff in charge of the house kept giving me worried looks as I walked towards the courthouse, waiting for me outside. I walked toward my execution as if I was going to meet the king himself and his queen.

They don't want to intervene, but I feel like they want to ask me not to go out like this, to change into something more comfortable and probably more acceptable.

We will say acceptable for my grandparents and my father because they have a precise idea of ​​what is normal and what is not, and what is good or not.

They are the very guardians of normalcy. Maybe I underestimate them by calling them the guardians. They are perhaps the very creators of the matter.

I saw Olivia coming. She was running out of breath to meet me like crazy. Yeah, she's the youngest of them. And yes, it's her that my mother's driver has made it his mission to win the heart, but don't worry, he won't make it. The poor guy doesn't really know how to go about it.

"No, you can't go out like this; where do you think you're going, Wen?" She worriedly whispered while trying to stop me from taking another step. "And why not?" I asked her back playfully.

"They'll stone you if you don't change your clothes. You know your father, big boy. You don't have to look for him. And your grumpy old grandparents are there too. "They will be happy to see you demolished by your father before they add their two cents."

" Don't worry, big girl, that's exactly what I'm looking for. They've always treated me like shit, so it will not change today. "

"Oh, Lord Wen, do you want to kill me at such a young age? When you cross those few steps that separate you from this damn garden, I'll have a heart attack. "

"Hey, stop dramatizing, and how old are you?" You're way too young to die now. I will be fine, my big one. Just wish me luck. "

"I'm thirty-one now. You know that all too well, so I'm not very young anymore, my boy. But you are damn beautiful. " She said, scrutinizing me from head to toe. "When did you buy them?" she asked while throwing me admiring glances, fluttering around me like a butterfly of light. Oh yes, I am the light.

"I cleaned your room and tidied up your things last weekend. They weren't there."

"You don't know everything I own, my dear, but hey, they're new. I hadn't unpacked them yet when you came up."

"My God, my friend, you are too exquisite." I will pray that you come out of this brunch in one piece. The witches are there too, you know, and Zack too. He did not want to come up to see how you were going, but he asked about you. "

"Don't worry about us; we won't stay like this for long. It's just a passage; we've had a lot so far."

"Maybe this time it's not like before; he's not like before either; he changed." I don't know if you noticed, hm? "

"Don't worry, and where is your admirer?"

"Hey, spare me this conversation. This idiot really thinks I'm going to date him; he can keep dreaming. "

"Ahah, why are you looking down while saying these words? Are you starting to like him?"

"Hell, no, what an idea! That's not it at all, and I'll explain when you're done setting the house on fire or killing one of those poor chipped souls waiting for you outside with a heart attack or something. If we are still alive, of course."

"Don't worry. As long as I come back alive from this confrontation, everything will be fine. Then we will cross our fingers and hope for the best. "

"Good luck, darling. "You look gorgeous."

"But you know me; I make sparks when I get down to it."

"What a bragger! Go ahead; you're the only one who hasn't arrived yet. Above all, you must not let yourself be tricked by these people and fight like your tigress. "

We made the tiger growl with these words while pulling out the claws. I'm closest to Olive, the person I'm close to on my parents' staff. She's the person who understands me the most. I don't know if it's because she's the youngest that she feels closer to me than to them.

The others don't agree with my parents, but they would have liked me to make a little more effort to meet my father's criteria so that it would indeed prevent them from having heart attacks every time they saw us walk into a room together.

When she goes upstairs to clean my room, we spend a lot of time talking about skincare, hair care, drawing, life, and any exciting subject. We talk about her life and mine.

She is black, with lovely soft, delicate skin and long, curly hair. She is a thin girl who has a big heart and a promising future ahead of her. I am waiting for the day she will leave the mansion.

I was ten years old when she arrived at the house. She was the daughter of one of my father's janitors. When the latter died, leaving his only daughter with no one to help her, my dad took her here, but instead of treating her like his own daughter, he put her in service like her father had been before her, but she finished school and everything.

At least he took it upon himself to keep her going to school and studying something useful. All our staff have a diploma, so they are all professionals.

Olivia likes what she does, and she learned something that has to do with house organization and interior decoration, so if my room is so beautiful, it's not just me who takes care of its maintenance. Olive is the one who takes care of everything else for me.

My supplies, my sheets, my curtains, everything, and we change the decor every year. I enjoy helping her pick out supplies and doing stuff that has to do with decorating my room.

But I think I was wrong. She will end up falling for this idiot, as she calls him. He certainly takes it very badly to woo her, but he has charm and is very attentive. This is undoubtedly what will play in his favor.

I have never seen her look away or lower her gaze. I am partly responsible for her outspokenness. She is not afraid to talk about things that are said to be embarrassing or taboo. I asked her many uncomfortable questions, more than I've asked Google lately.

I think she suspects something, but I don't know exactly what, except that she often talks to me about Zack these days, but it's not very important.

I left her standing in the hall, watching me walk away with a big smile on her lips. She always advised me to say loud and clear what I think and not hide my thoughts just because I'm afraid of hurting others because they don't care when they hurt me.

I continue to progress towards my destination. I can only hope that it will not be my final destination.

I am anxious and excited at the same time; I want to see their scandalized faces and their reactions. My grandfather will surely die of a heart attack, but I believe that my father is more robust than that.

But I bet my sadistic grandfather will weather the shock even better than my father because he never expected better from me anyway. And yet, I'm the best thing that's ever happened to them in their lives. They just don't know it yet.

I approach slowly but surely and very determinedly towards the door that separates me from my judges, my gibbet, my executioners, and this crowd that will shout at the top of their voices to claim my head.

I will face them with my head held high. I did nothing wrong after all, and if there is anyone who should feel embarrassed by their behavior, it is not me but them.

I was born that way. I wasn't the maker of the pieces that were shaped to make me. I'm just the product of a designer who knew all too well what he was doing. There is no mistake about me, and even less about everything that makes me who I am. Maybe they just got me the wrong guardian to watch over.

And it's too late now to turn around. I'm going to throw myself into the wolf liar no matter what. It's not like I get a different treatment when I dress differently.

They all see me as less than nothing, a sub-human, so it's time I gave them something to discuss and criticize for real.

Slowly, I put my lean hand on the doorknob and pushed it to open the last passage that led me to the destination I had chosen for today. Will it be a renewal or a final one?

I don't know, but I think those eyes that turned to look in the direction of the door will tell me shortly.

I'm standing at the top of the porch that separates me from them. As I said, they are outraged, and that's pretty good.

Their eyes stick out of their sockets, their tongues hang sideways, and their jaws fall off at their feet. They must be careful; one risks stepping on the other's jaw.

For a show, it is quite one, and I am the star of this sunny Sunday.