Tales of Fudges and Toads

You mean visit the carcass now?" Lord Davis asked. "Sure, I mean you already know he is dead and what it looks like."

Lady Abbot shivered: "There is no way I go down there. Sweat Morgana, that memory will haunt me for weeks to come."

Lady Davis put her arms around Daphne and Tracey and whispered: "Did you both get hot and tingly watching your man kill that snake? Your hero going against all odds and come out victorious, slaying the monster and winning the maidens."

Both girls were blushing but nodded in agreement. Luna overheard it, whispered to Lady Davis: "Yes this is why he is our husband to be." which made Lady Davis laugh out loud. "You are so right Luna if you want something, go out and grab it before someone else catches him."

Soon two groups were formed, one staying in Slytherins quarters and the other visit thing the snake.

Walking in Myrtle's bathroom she floated closer "What are you doing here? You are no students. There are even grown men in here. Leave please, this bathroom is mine."

"Relax Myrtle, we are just passing by, we are visiting the secret chamber to look at the snake that killed you." Going to the sink looking at the snake inscription §open.§

Silent the sink opened, a slide appears. A lot of fanfictions mention asking for stairs, sliding down a filthy slide was not appealing so I tried different lines §stairs§ §lift§ §foot-pad§ §get me some Goat God be dammed steps§.

Great Goat God for the win, stairs are formed, on the other hand, if I had let the grown-ups slide first, the slide would be clean at my turn. Well maybe next time when I bring the Goblins in, they seem to enjoy funny rides.

At the cave-in, the grown-ups took their wands and got to work, a beautiful arc was formed.

Looking at it I commented on the jobs in construction they could get in the normal world.

Up the Bum... Xenophilius is such a mouthful, "what do you mean the normal world are we not normal?"

"Of course you are not normal, there are 56.000.000 million people in Great Britain and 50.000 to 100.000 wizards, so the odds are 1 to 500 or up to 1 to 1000 now tell me Lord Lovegood if there are 1000 people and only one is a wizard, is the wizard normal and the 999 others abnormal? Freaks?

I like to think they are normal and we are special. The word muggle is an insult to me.

Would you like to be called a wuzzle? Because that is what you are."

Do not let wizards think, it will hurt them, doing mathematics makes it worse, I wonder do Hogwarts make people stupid instead of smart? Let's do another one, "did you know the normal's are outpacing the wizards? Did a wizard ever walk on the Moon?

Lord Greengrass: "Why on Merlin's name would we go up there in the first place, and mug.. Normal's on the moon? I just don't believe it"

"Now my Lord Greengrass here is my conspiracy theory: In 1969 the Americans landed on the moon, Neil Armstrong was the first human walking on the moon. There is no way the normal's and half-bloods would not rub it in with the pure-bloods. And yet each year the normal's explain the moonwalk, the wizards seem to forget it and have to be told again and again. Why do they forget something like that? It was a hot topic in 1969 and 1970. And yet the wizards forget it. Why?"

Speechless Lord Greengrass turned to Master Tonks "Is this true? How come we don't remember that event?"

Tonks: "True, I stopped explaining after a few years, the stronger we made our arguments the faster you would forget, it is like a worldwide spell to forget mug… normal's are better at things than wizards.

We came to the shed skin. Daphne said: "Lord Potter claimed this too."

Grateful I smiled at my Waifu. She mouthed to me "10%" and smiled back.

At the door, an impressive one, §open up§ the door opened, so whatever you say is good but it has to be parseltongue. Entering the chamber, the corps was impressive, Xeno... Lovegood was all over the snake, Daphne and Tracey were treasure hunting, Luna was skipping alongside her dad around the snake, while he was measuring.

Lord Abbot: "What troubles me more is the fact Tom Riddle is you know who and he was here a few days ago, coming out a Merlin be dammed diary! It is like we can't get rid of that bastard."

Tracey and Daphne were climbing the statue, I said "Girls I think Voldemort has already looted the place but feel free to look, maybe he forgot something." ahh to be young again… wait I AM young again.

"Wait girls I come with you." and ran after them.

Climbing the statue was fun, yep I was looking up the skirts, I didn't show much though, those skirts were the old fashion way, and they looked like spelled against peeping Toms. Well, I start complaining when I am out of hearing reach of the parents.

When we got to the entrance of the mouth witch was hard to reach standing at his ear, I said: "My dears let me try something." Raising my wand, the Hallow one, §Lord Slytherin commands you to open.§

It is worth a try, If he was an ego-tripper it should do something, I felt some magic on me probably checking my Lordship, the face turned and the mouth opened farther, big enough to stand up in.

The girls got all excited, cooling them down saying: "Girls I felt magic checking me, let me go first, look at the walls for inscriptions of snakes like the one on the sink at Myrthils, the floor lowered so look at the space that got exposed, I am certain Voldy did the upper side. I will check for traps.

At this time I was just spouting nonsense, you know trying to be the cool hero, slaying dragons, having happy and sad hippogriffs… Bloody Harry Potter books, now I am a flipping douse-bag.

When we were far enough I began complaining about skirts that hide everything. That released some of the girl's tension, at least it made them giggle. Tracey teased: "You will see soon enough My Lord Slytherin."

"I know Tracey, but it's the stolen moments that are more fun. And your hinies were looking great from that angle." We came up at sculpture of a basilisk on the floor §Open for Lord Slytherin.§

Sounded posh, it was posh but what the hell they don't understand me anyway, a door appeared.

Suddenly it came to me, this IS a dream, it is like every clichè from fanfictions happens for me, the

Lordships, the money, manors and whatever, the girls, a freaking harem, getting more every day.

And now I am standing in Lord fucking Slytherins secret, secret chamber.

I take Tracey in my arms, and give her one kiss to remember, releasing her and then grab Daphne, doing the same, I said: "Well Lady Slytherin and Consort Slytherin, how did you like your first kiss in Lord Slytherins secret chamber?"

Dazed they looked at each other, smiled, and kissed… I forgot they are into girls too.

Anyway as fun it was to look at, I started exploring the chamber, bookcases and a big desk, a few doors leading to a bed chamber and bathroom, I was wondering where the dirty water got drained at, this being under the black lake, was it pumped up? Imagining dirty bathwater released in the mere people's village… We are drifting off-topic again, curious where the painting is, there normally is a painting of a snarky dude blabbering in parseltongue.

No luck, there wasn't a single painting, the girls were looking at the books, Daphne: "I can't read this, it's a strange language." Looking over her shoulders I said: "Looks like English to me, it must be parseltongue, it is about a witch getting burned at the stake, and him saving her. It is like a bloody Harry Potter book.

Let's come back without the parents. When we have more time."

Tracey teasing: "You want to test the bed probably." Teasing back: "Nah I let you both go first… If I can watch." Bingo, steam came out of their ears. I won.

Daphne whispered: "Someday you will." Now I am the speechless blushing idiot. I lost.

Closing the door behind us we went on in the tunnel, found some more skins, and a part of the tunnel that was collapsed, "maybe this was his way out to hunt, no wonder he was hungry I am actually surprised the bloody snake didn't eat anyone. Let's turn back it is almost lunchtime."

Getting back down the girls let me go first, giggling at my frustration.

Lovegood: "74 feet long, 4 feet high at the mouth 1 foot at the end, this is a big monster."

Davis: "He wants the skeleton to impress his guests, more like scare the shit out of them. I wonder if his hall is big enough to fit it in."

Greengrass: "It is too big, the market for basilisk parts will collapse. It needs to be sold in sections, the rest needs to be stocked with stasis charms."

"How long does it stay fresh with stasis charms? A week, month, years?"

Lovegood: "It depends on the substance, Basilisk meat is highly magical so it will keep at least a couple of years. The hide can be put up for sale, the organs could go in four to five parts, the venom is used in some nasty potions, and one or two healing potions. It is best to hire a potion master to make the healing potions."

I said: "Now the girls need to select a person to render the corps, or can we let the house-elves do it?

They will be honest and hardworking or are there special magics to render it?"

Davis looked intrigued with the comment I made: "You know what? They use house elves to render the corpses, my house-elf can't do it."

"Dobby?" Dobby pops in. "Yes Master Harry sir, what can Dobby Do for you?"

"Are there among our family some who can render a basilisk carcass? Or do you know an elf who can?"

Dobby: "I will ask Master Harry sir." and pops out.

"Let us go back upstairs it is almost lunchtime." Going up was harder than down, The adults were wheezing and puffing, me, I am still following my girls, trying to catch a glimpse, they know it and enjoy the attention, the bloody spell made sure there was nothing to see anyway.

Closing the sink I felt the wards alerting me that a dark creature was entering Hogwarts, setting the wards to destroy it or banish it outside with a thought, I said: "What idiot is bringing a dark creature in a school? Are they insane?"

Greengrass: "Dark creature? What kind?" Trying to feel it, I felt cold and bad thoughts emerge.

"A fucking dementor! What the hell is wrong with these idiots? I set the wards to kill that thing."

Lovegood remarks: "Probably the minister and his toad, with two or four Aurors as bodyguards."

Feeling the wards zapping the dementor was fun, the thing was desperately floating to the outside.

"Dipsy, Dippy, Witty and Kitty, can you come here please," Kitty: "What can we do for master Slytherin?"

"Are the exams finished and the tables set for lunch?" Dippy: "Everything is ready master Gryffindor."

"Make room for me and Lords Greengrass, Davis, Lovegood and Abbot at the teacher's table, the girls and wives can eat at the house tables and bear witness." I looked at the lords: "I am going to smack that prick who dares to bring dementors to a school around. Can you pop us at the teacher's table Dippy and warn the girls?"

A few pops later, we claimed the center of the teacher's table. I looked at Madam Marchbanks and asked: "Is it normal for someone to bring a dementor to a school full with his favorite dish?"

Madam Marchbanks: "Who is bringing a dementor here?"

"Lord Lovegood thinks it is Minister Fudge or something." Madam Marchbanks: "Yes, he is stupid enough to do something like that."

The hall was filling with students who stared surprised at me and the lords at the main table.

Seven people came in, Croaker, four with red robes, Aurors I suppose and a… a… toad is the best description, "Lord Lovegood, You were right, a toad is a perfect description for that woman."

And the minister, bowler hat and striped costume making his way to the teacher's table.

Fudge: "You must be Harry Potter boy, we…" we have to cut this idiot down a peg or two.

"It is Lord Potter, Lord Gryffindor, Lord Slytherin or Lord Gaunt for you. And who was the idiot bringing a dementor to a school? I want him fired for endangering children a lot of them Heirs for Noble houses. Is he crazy? At the next session of the wizengamot, I will demand his resignation, even for a prison sentence."

Fudge: "Look here boy, we…" Alright, we use a sledgehammer, "IT IS LORD POTTER, you useless fool, where did you learn your manners? In the sewers? Was it you who dared to bring a soul-sucking monster into school? Don't you know the effects it has on young children you fucking idiot? Owls and Newt exams are going on and you want to let them undergo the effects of a dementor? You can kiss your job goodbye, I want you arrested right now, who can call in some Aurors?"

Instead of standing back and enjoy the show, one Auror wanted to earn some browny's, "I am an Auror Lord Potter.." "You mean to say you let that moron bring a dementor to school? Do you think it is fine to endanger children? Are you mentally healthy? When was your last check-up at St Mungo's? Let me spell it out for you.

Anyone who wants to bring a dementor to a school is hereby banned from Hogwarts, this is a decree from Lord Gryffindor and Lord Slytherin." My voice became louder and louder, standing up at my decree. Hey, there was a light show. "Now I give you twenty minutes to state your business and you can fuck off, you child molesters."

Fudge: "I am Cornelius Fudge, Minister for Magic I came here to arrest the attacker of Headmaster Dumbledore. That is you boy."

I smiled, "Did you read a report of the Aurors who were present? Or the Healers from St Mungo's? Did Malfoy bribe you with his last knuts to come here? Nobody attacked Dumbledore you moron, I asked Magic and Hogwarts to judge and punish him, Madam Bones was present with Aurors and Healers.

The only one attacking was the phoenix who was freed from an illegal binding curse. Madam Marchbanks, can you talk some sense in this fool?"

Madam Marchbanks: "Cornelius Fudge, what in Merlin's name are you doing? I know Madam Bones has written a rapport to you, I saw the memory and talked to Madam Bones last night. It is thanks to Lord Potter Dumbledore is alive, he stopped the phoenix from killing him. For me, he should let the bird kill that monster.

Clearly, someone has put some Galleons in your pocket and you came in running.

At the next wizengamot, I support Lord Potter for your dismissal."

Toad: "That boy can not ask for a dismissal he is just a brat, not an adult."

"I am emancipated madam whatever your name is. I have four Lordships and am Heir for a fifth.

These four Lords beside me are my future parents in law they will be sitting in proxy for me.

But tell me, are you madam Umbitch? Always wear pink, and have a house full of pictures of kittens?"

Toad: "How do you know that? You have never seen me before."

"Well Umbitch if you read the reports, you should know I have knowledge of the future. And your future and your minister is very dark."

Toad: "How would you even know anything boy you are just bluffing."

If you read the reports you would know Barty Crouch Junior was arrested? He was under the imperious curse at home, but you?" Now spin a nice bullshit story, she would love the truth, so I am going to scare the shit out of her.

"You are forming a bill to restrict werewolves, well that law is going to backfire to you, once you pushed the law through, some honest werewolves lost their jobs and were forced to do crime to survive.

Most went to Fenrir Greyback's pack. I do not know on whose toes you stepped but Fenrir was hired to take care of you.

Because you arranged so many pack members, Fenrir turned you in one, as a thank you.

So here you are, a woman who wanted the world to be safe became a monster. Of course, Cornelius here fired your ass immediately, can't have monsters working in the ministry, can you?

Because werewolves weren't allowed vaults in Gringotts, knutless you had no other choice than to join the pack.

I heard some of them thanked you over and over and over again."

The horror on her face, well I finally know how a horror toad looked like. It seems the law was ready to be presented at the mot. Now screw Fudge a new one.

"The story of Fudge is a similar one. In two years some death-eaters make a homunculus with the wraith of Voldemort. They used a dark ritual with some of my blood, I was present there, after I was kidnapped. I tried to tell him but the fool didn't believe me. For a whole year, that homunculus could prepare for taking over the wizarding world while pretending he was the real Voldemort.

When Voldemort showed himself Cornelius got sacked, and guess who waited for him on the next full moon? Yes, his former lover Madam Umbitch. The story goes that she started at his feet but that is hearsay." Now the lovers part is a nice touch, the whole hall was listening, so mum and dad will know tomorrow

"Mr. Croaker do you have to report anything?"

Croaker: "It is like you said Lord potter, Barty Crouch was found at home under the imperious curse.

The potions Dumbledore wanted to put in the food at breakfast were designed to let you forget things. The potions for lunch were designed to increase loyalty to him, to not question his actions.

Snape has confessed all his crimes while he was a death-eater and named at least 20 names who claimed to be under the imperious curse, including Lord Malfoy, who was it seems a high-ranked member.

He also confessed to being forced to run a whore-house in Slytherin, to train the pure-bloods to lose their morals and sense of right and wrong. The wards report will come this evening along with the report from Gringotts. The rest we have to discuss in private."

I looked at Fudge, who was trying to find a way out, meh let's hammer him in the ground.

"Cornelius Fudge, you have an Order of Merlin Third class is that right?"

Fudge, straightening himself: "Yes it was awarded to me for arresting the notorious Sirius Black."

"Well you have to turn it back in I'm afraid, Sirius Black is innocent. He never betrayed my parents, It was Peter Pettigrew who betrayed them. You sir are just a patsy and accomplice to line theft for the House of Black."

Fudge: "That is ridiculous, Pettigrew is dead, and Black is in Askaban for his crimes. Don't talk nonsense."

"Fudge, Pettigrew is in a holding cell at the DMLE. Sirius Black is my Godfather by ritual, so if he betrayed me he would have dropped dead at the spot. He got shucked in Askaban because of Crouch and Dumbledore.

I am not sure about your part, but you sucking Malfoy's dick is not promising. Malfoy wanted to keep Sirius in Askaban so Junior could get the Lordship. By now Sirius is out of Askaban.

Turn your Order of Merlin back in or you are going to be the laughing stock of the wizarding world or arrested for aiding a line theft for the Most Ancient and Most Noble House of Black, maybe you get to kiss your dementor."

"The twenty minutes are over sod off and don't come back. If you have any common sense you resign yourself instead of booted out, at the next wizengamot I'll be ready with my boot. Aurors I suggest you arrest him and put him in a holding cell, it is up to you of course."

Bam! The toad and the candy made a hasty exit. I stood up and addressed the students in the hall.

"I hope you paid attention. You were trained to be degenerates and criminals, if pure-blood means you can rape and kill anyone you want, then the title Noble or Lord means nothing anymore.

You are supposed to learn how to rule, to make this community grow, create jobs and opportunities for the people who depend on you, if you do that, the people will like you instead of fear or hate, you get richer as well too."

The Lords were watching me showing off, Davis asked Greengrass: "How much is true and what can and cannot be believed? The Toad a werewolf? Cornelius was eaten by her? A homunculus? Did you notice him controlling the conversation?

He was playing the whole great hall like a fiddle. I hope our girls know what they are getting into."

Greengrass was nodding in agreement: "You are right, better wait for the results of the DMLE investigation. I think he will treat them well. Allowing them to represent him to sell the carcass while it is clear he can do it himself and maybe even better, Both having 5% of the profits is a huge number.

Did you see him trying to look up their skirts? And after when we went upstairs he was again behind them, but they knew of it and from their smiles, it was joked or teased about it."

Abbot: "The first time I looked up a skirt of a girl and noticed that dammed spell I nearly cried."

Lovegood: "That was the main tease of my wife, sometimes the spell was up some times I had a full view. It drove me crazy when she forgot to put her knickers on, those are the things I miss the most, the playing, joking and loving. That is why I won't search for another wife."

Wow, the in-laws were getting serious, the meaning of life is to see the knickers of the wife. I have to write this down somewhere so I won't forget. I must admit if I look at a girl or woman, it is boobs, bottom and face in that order.

Yes, I am shallow, together with millions of others. Next, I try to imagine how she will look in twenty years, the mother is also a good indication for it. Again it is me being a male pig and proud of it.

I must say Moms-in-law were lookers too. Especially after the girls told about the bed activities of the mums. And I have to wait three fucking years to do anything. It is a fucking carrot on a stick, and I am the Great Goat God be dammed mule running after it.

There has to be some pussy I can get this summer or I go bat crazy. Maybe cousin Tonksie, although asking for it is likely asking for a beating.

The Carrows, Ginny and Astoria are even younger than the batch I have now, so a no-go for four bloody years.

So here I am, 13 years, eight girls lined up to marry me with two spares, and me with stone balls for three years.