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I'm Harry? Lets fix this mess

After freeing Dobby, Lucius killed Harry. And: Entry me, falling downstairs right in Harry Potter-verse. Self Insert and fixing it. With Harry's memories of abuse, he goes on a rampage. This is the first part of Let's fix the Multiverse. Some spin-offs can happen. We can and will use clichès. M for later content. Enjoy a trip in Harry's head. It is complicated in there. Harry/multi

Jazper_Hemsath · Bücher und Literatur
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19 Chs

Someone is going down

Guiding them to a couch we sat down, both still glued to me. Daphne spoke up first: "Slytherin's house is not what we expected it to be. Ambitious, cunning? It's simple isn't there anymore."

Tracey: "Politics is now suppression and bullying, cunning is doing crimes and avoiding being caught."

Daphne: "But worst of all, they made it a whorehouse, I'm sure the staff knows about what's happening."

What a mess I landed in, it's most definite an AU, Dumbledore, and Snape are way out of control, the relative's Harry had to endure gone to the extreme too. So we are going to war, no more bashing, this madhouse is getting the old guy treatment.

Still… I am happy this isn't Dragon bloody Ball Z. like they beat the crap out of you if you want to get stronger. Sensu beans are ok but not the reason you have to eat them.

Naruto…. Also glad I didn't fell into that poor sob story, for each Jutsu you had so many hand signs, you get beaten up before you're finished. And when you finally beat your enemy, just like in DBZ a stronger one pops out and you can start all over again.

But we deviate from our subject: the whorehouse.

"How does it operates? Who does the organizing? Where does it take place? What do the girls have to do?"

Daphne: "From the moment you turn 14 and your not a pureblood, the seniors initiate you, which means rape."

Tracey: "Then you get used as a reward for others, mostly boys, for their good behavior. If you dare to complain…"

Daphne: "The punishment is dealt with in the common room, everybody above 13 is obliged to watch."

Tracey: "In other words the seventh year's gang rape you."

Daphne: "With snape watching."

This is a stable that must be mucked out, most likely the Hercules way, divert a river to wash the filth away. Different scenarios running through my brain, from killing to squibbing, cleaning their vaults, or removing some body parts, they can get next in line with Sirius at the vet to get neutered.

"Is this the reason to marry me? I would help even without a betrothal. Forcing yourself on a girl is one of the worst crimes I can think of, because of the emotional damage that can last years.

So I am starting to really like you both, but if you want a relationship with me it has to be because you like me too, not for protection, the protection is free.

AAAnd let me have a chance on courting, wooing, and dating you both, you know flowers, poems, and love letters. I did think you both were pure-bloods?"

Tracey: "No I am a half-blood, more a three quarter, in our year I am the only one available, so I heard someone hinting my birthday party is going to one to remember."

Daphne: "Our mothers are cousins, my aunt is a half-blood and they grew up together. We were born a few weeks apart in October, so we grew up practically living as one family."

Tracey: "Our fathers are business partners, we shared everything like sisters. And we look forwards for you to court us."

Daphne: "It is not for the protection we like you… not anymore."

Tracey: "You treat us as equals, are not afraid to speak up to the professors, and your funny."

"Ow and I was going for handsome, strong, and rich, I have to adjust my priorities it seems. Now, will you let me handle this mess? I have some ideas."

Let's see how much they trust me, I'm going for the big guns on this one, a potion master overseeing a gang rape? We chuck him through the veil, with regards from the Great Goat God.

The girls were still clinging to my sides, and I was starting to notice they are almost 14 years, with some body-parts shaping up nicely. Now focus… I use all my senses touch, smell, eyes…. Did I say touch? Yep definitely touch. My boner was going crazy, it didn't know where to aim first…. Hey, do not judge me. If you can resist such a situation without a reaction, there is work for you in a sheiks harem as a eunuch.

Daphne: "We trust you Harry, and looking forwards to the courting."

Tracey: "And the flowers, poems, love letters and dating. Like treating us like humans."

"Elder Hoggy, a moment please?" Hoggy pops in asking: "Yes Master Slytherin, you need Hoggy?"

"Yes Elder Hoggy, Is by chance Madam Bones still in the hospital wing? And some healers from St Mungo's?" Let start off easy, we can always go for harder and crueler.

"Yes, she is Master, with Headmaster and potion snake. There are healers too."

"Elder Hoggy, can you pop me outside the hospital wing out of sight?" I turned to the girls and said: " ask the Hogwarts elves to move your things in a room, any room is good, you have the first choice, make yourself at home."

Hoggy popped me in an empty classroom nearby, I made my way to the hospital wing, it was still crowded outside. Everybody jumped when I said: "People pay attention to what is going to happen, and what you're going to hear. If some can copy their memories feel free to do so, and send them to the Daily Prophet with my regards. Feel free to ask the house elves to send them.

I entered the hospital wing with Madam Bones voice booming "I do not care about what you feel is needed for the wizarding world, you are the headmaster here and your actions deserves at least 20 years in Askaban if not more."

"No Madam Bones they deserve more, a dementor's kiss is even too merciful for these two monsters. Snape, with Dumbledore's consent, runs a whore house in the Slytherin dorms, starting from 14 years old. Now Snape do you deny this?"

Snape: "Of course I deny this, it is slander and accusations without proof. You are just like your father an arrogant and stupid kid. Now go away so I can cure the petrified students."

"Madam Bones I have in my quarters two girls who offered themself for marriage to escape from these two monsters. I am sure Snape is willing to swear an oath on his magic, if not some veritas potion can be used on both snape and Dumbledore, they are not pure-bloods after all. Dumbledore put your wand away and stop trying to legilimency on me."

I had no clue he did that but he can't say he didn't. My goal was to keep Dumbledore on the defense, insulting him and questioning his Light side by accusing him of various crimes he even can't deny, I piled on the heap of crimes.

"I didn't forget you blocked my parents will, stating you knew who betrayed my parents, you betrayed Sirius Black by shoving him in Askaban while innocent, You put an elf-block and blood-ward on me and dumped me on the doorstep of my magic hating aunt at night without even ringing the doorbell.

And don't start saying me getting tortured for 11 years is for the greater good because you in Askaban for 11 years is also for the greater good.

Now Madam Bones, arrest these animals and let the healers check the 6th and 7th years for potions and charms. Dumbledore we are not even finished, I'm heading to Gringotts today to sort my finances out.

Were you hoping I was dead before reaching maturity?"

"Harry my boy.." "STOP calling me that you coward it is LORD Slytherin for you. Madam Bones, I want those two criminals arrested. What do I have to do to get him declared as a Dark Lord?"

"There must be at least three Lords demanding it at the wizengamot and over half of the mot must vote for it. Are you sure you want to go through with it?"

"Madam Bones, let a healer check out your niece for potions and charms, maybe you are declaring it with me. These two animals were playing God for more than 10 years, now it's time it stops, for the greater good of wizardkind. And do not look at me like that Dumbledore this is not your playpen.

You are the worst headmaster in history."

Madam Bones hesitated for a bit and said: "Robarts, round up the senven't-years and ask my niece to come here, let's get to the bottom of it."

"Now Amelia, I am sure this is not necessary. The children's safety is my highest priority, Harry is..."

"Lord Slytherin! Albus or I'll start calling you old goat, stop spouting nonsense, running a whore house is your priority? Drop-dead already, if you are so innocent take an oath or veritas serum."

"Lord Slytherin, stop with those false accusations this is slander to your headmaster and professor, it is time you stop this."

Now I have a boatload of options to deal with them both… what tho chose… let's get a poplar one.

I raised my wand and called out: "I Lord Harry James Potter call in the life debt of Severus Snape of house Prince, for betraying Lord James Charles Potter to the Dark Lord. Severus Snape is to serve House Potter until he is dead. SO MOTE IT BE."

Now curious it sticks…. And bingo one house slave, I should have done it yesterday, the light show was as always very impressive, hey, this is neat a collar appeared on his neck, now I have my own doggy.

"Now Severus snape answer the questions From Madam Bones truthfully, only stop if you are under oath, and tell who's oath you are under and when you took it. And Dumbledore put away your wand. I am sure I have some for you too. Madam Bones ask your questions plz."

Madam Bones, shocked it worked, thought for a bit and asked: "Severus Snape was what Lord Potter said true? Did you use girls in your house as whores? Did Dumbledore know?"

Snape was shaking trying to fight the compulsion of my command, gave in and said: "Yes one girl for each year." The shaking got worse, I intervened: "so you can't betray him, Madam Bones ask your questions indirectly, like did the girls you whore d out complained to other staff? And what did you do to punish them afterward?"

"Some complained to the staff mostly to Pomfrey, for punishment the girls were punished in the common room."

Madam Bones: "How were they punished and name each girl on a parchment, every girl in all your years here."

Snape, still shaking, I was monitoring Dumbels closely, he responded: "The girls were raped by the seventh-years in the common room and all girls above 13 had to watch."

Madam Bones stood speechless, she looked at Dumbledore and said: "I'll be declaring with Lord Potter at the next wizengamot, and I am showing to all your allies how Light you are."

By now almost every Auror and healer had their wands in their hands, most had children and were horrified by those two. I pushed forwards: "Did you deliberately sabotage your classes? Of your free will?"

Snape: "Yes but not of free will."

"Don't worry I'll ask not who it was who told you, now are you a death-eater? And how did you get your mark?"

"Nooo Severus do not answer it!"

"Ah, ah aah, Severus this is an answer you have to do, it is not betraying the old goat, so spill it."

Snape, shaking very bad: "Yes I am a death-eater, I raped and killed a muggle-born girl in front of the Dark Lord."

"And now the million Galleon question: can you get the mark under the influence of the imperious curse or against your will?"

Snape: "You have to be willing to take the mark, it won't work with the imperious curse, they tried it."

"The next million Galleon question: To who did you swear? The Dark Lord? Lord Voldemort? Heir of Slytherin? Or Gaunt, or Tom Marvolo Riddle? Can you cancel it? Stop being a death eater?"

The Aurors positioned them strategically across the room, even the healers pitched in. Albus felt his house of cards collapsing, already considering to call Fawkes.

Snape: "The mark is for life, it can't be removed, the ones who tried died. We all swear to Heir Slytherin."

I looked at Madam Bones: "what do you think? Can you keep him alive long enough to testify, or is a dementor going to be out of control, maybe he chokes on his food, a heart attack, or he escapes? My bet is on the dementor.

Dumbledore, however, what do you think? Or are you going to kill Sevvy yourself? It is fitting: an old goat has a scapegoat always at hand. For dropping me off at the Dursley's you can blame Hagrid, no?"

The seventh-years and Susan were waiting at the door. "Severus take the potions for the petrified students and cure them, then stand beside me wait for my orders."

I wonder how you can let a statue swallow a potion, I mean everything stopped working, what is he going to do rub it on their chest….. bloody bastard don't you dare, I want to do that on Hermione, and Penelope, Collin, and Justin.. meh he can have them.

Slow the victims woke up, most screaming about a giant snake. Hermione saw me standing smiling at her, made a beeline to me, took me in a bear hug: "It was a basilisk, a big one, is it still around? How long was I out? What happened to it? Who was setting it free?"

"Yes, I missed you too, I killed the snake, a couple of weeks, I am going to sell it, someone got possessed and opened the Chamber, I tell you later who." and gave her a peck on the cheek (still not 13 pervs).

"Now dumbledore there are going to be a load of memories flying all over the place to The Daily nonsense... Prophet, The ICW, I'll bet they want to know about your boyfriend, the DMLE, am I forgetting someone? How many jobs are you going to save?"

Confused Hermoine asked: "Harry what is happening? Why is the headmaster in trouble? What is going on?"

"Well Hermione Dumbledore is a bigger criminal than Voldemort, and I exposed him."

"That can't be he is the Lord off the light, it must be a mistake."

"Hermoine, I said it this morning and I say it now: The worst Dark Lords are the ones pretending to be Light, they screw us over and expect us to thank them for it."

"Language Harry."

"I am pretty sure it is English Hermione, you know, you take a screw and a screwdriver and screw the screw with the screwdriver into something, screwing it tight…. Wait a minute, Hermione you have a dirty mind. You naughty girl. This is asking for a spanking…. Nah I can't spank my girl, she is too cute."

Still, in her bear hug, I put my lips next to her ear and whispered: "I really missed you Mine." And gave her another peck just below the ear. "I explain later."

"Severus you accompany the Aurors, and give your complete cooperation to their investigation, meaning names, dates, and places. Now I have one more thing to do."

I raised my wand again, and hoping this works too: "I Harry James Potter, Lord Gryffindor, and Lord Slytherin, Cal up on Magic and the Magic of Hogwarts, to Judge and Punish the crimes and abuse of power of Albus Wulfric Dumbledore. SO. MOTE. IT. BE."

The light show was impressive, Dumbledore with his wand in his hand was trying to fight it, completely taken by surprise, tentacles of light stretching out to me, snape, and to several others. I felt something snapping in me, my mind cleared up like I was waking up. A tentacle stretches to Hermoine and she to had a look as if a weight was lifted off her shoulders.

Suddenly an angry cry sounded and Fawkes appeared bathing in light circling Dumbledore.

I saw an opportunity aimed my wand to Dumbledore, concentrated like crazy, all theories flashing through my mind, intent, willpower, imagination, the Great Goat God, I said: "Mine" and summoned the Death stick, Elder wand or whatever it's called to me. Hey, it works, I did my first spell, what is next on my bucket list? Dumbledore was feeling the heat literally, do not pis a phoenix off, now without a wand things were speeding up, things were flying off him, I guess his safeguards, port keys or something, the light show, and phoenix fire were intensifying.

I called to Fawkes: "Don't kill him Fawkes let him live for a while with this shame. People need to know the crimes he did. He doesn't have long anyway." Fawkes calmed down and landed on my shoulders.

I asked: "Your bonds are gone? Free now?"

Bloody bird cant talk but hummed… meh it's a yes I suppose. "Enjoy your freedom, you are always welcome in my house, and thank you for helping me with the basilisk. I owe you a debt. You have a safe place with me if you want to settle down and have a family."

Butter up the bird, it is a good idea to keep a fire-bird with healing tears friendly. Now what else to wreck… … now I was seeing Anna Ontana swinging on her big wrecking ball, not a good picture, all the wrong camera angels. What stumped me was the naked thing on her ball so, close to the chain she must have shaved it all of or the hair was going between the shackles and would hurt like hell.

Wait a minute I'm still in Harry, in Harry fucking Potter-verse, and before me lays Dumbledore, like medium-rare. "Oops did I do that? I wanted well done." Hermione was freaking out, her hero was on the floor, the smell of burned hair was awful. And thank Great Goat God his clothes were fireproof, these are the little things we should be thankful for.

Fawkes looked at me and I felt a surge of gratitude. "No problem, come visit sometime."

Madam Bones witnessed the whole thing and said: "Why didn't you bond with him? He wouldn't refuse you." playing the hero I said: "No if he bonds to me it should be because he wants to, not out of gratitude." It is slimy, corny, and all that stuff but I'm scoring points with the ladies.

"Madam Bones may I be excused I want to show Hermione my new quarters and I'm sure she can use some food. You have some people to check up, not forgetting Susan if you need me ask a house-elf."

And made my way out, passing Susan I whispered "You and Hanna are always welcome just ask a house-elf to bring you in, take care." Blushing she nodded.

"Harry? What happened to you? You changed completely. Are you the same?"

Now you think this is the time to come clean, I imagine telling her 'hey I am an old guy living in Harry's body thinking I am in a coma and dreaming all this'… … …. Somehow this isn't going to float.

Meh... I keep at my bullshit story of this morning. We arrived on the sixth floor at the armor and said: "Albus and Tom are best buddies" the armor nodded and stepped aside opening the door.

"Welcome in my humble shack, make yourself at home." Luna came out of her room wearing a large T-shirt that looked vaguely familiar, I hope she has her panty on, too many shocks are not good for Hermione.

"Harry, the nargels are all gone all that's left are some blibbering humdingers, they like it here."

"They can stay if they want, I don't mind." I lead Hermione to a couch with a little table in front and ask "Are you hungry or do you want to take a bath first?" "You have a bath? Where is it?"

Of course, we go to my tub, when it was filling up I said: "if you like I'll wash your back, just give me a call."

Blushing: "I'll manage thanks." "Or Luna can take a bath with you, the tub is big enough and you have some company." "I don't mind, I wanted to try it myself, can I ask how it felt being a statue?"

Luna entered removing her T-shirt while walking in. "Luna!"

"It is OK Hermione, Harry said he likes monokini and wanted to see us in it." Testing the water temperature she made a move to drop her knickers. So I turned and run out, that girl is too carefree.

"Elder Hoggy, can I have a moment please?" Hoggy popped in "Yes Master Gryffindor?"

Can you go to Slytherins quarters and invite Miss Greengrass and Miss Davis here please, bring them over if they agree. I feel sorry to bother you all the time, as head-elf you have to get more tasks to do, can you appoint some young ones to help us so you can attend to your duties."

"Master Gryffindor it is always an honor to serve you, but you can call on witty and kitty." both elves appeared asking "What can we do for Master Gryffindor?" "Hermoine Granger is taking a bath with Luna Lovegood, can you put clean clothes ready for them to put on?" "We can do that Master."

Meanwhile Hoggy brought Daphne and Tracey over, they became my favorite huggers, double-teaming is the max.

"Well girls, it's solved, Snape is singing like a bird in the DMLE, and Dumbledore… well you can say he got burned to a crisp. No more raping in Slytherin, I let the elves keep a lookout, and the students are getting tested for potions and charms. I know I am awesome, handsome, the best, the smartest, the kindest, you can stop me anytime, because I am humble, did I say good looking? No? Well, that too."

We sat on the couch and heard laughing coming out of the bathroom. "Those are Luna and Hermoine taking a bath, you know the tub that can hold a dozen." Daring Tracey said: "Would they mind a few more? It is been a long time since I took a bath. Showers are not the same. And we have to get to know each other anyway."

"I'll ask." I went to the door yelling "Luna, Hermione is there room for 2 more girls? They like to take a bath too." Before Hermoine could say something Luna responded: "The more the marry er let them in." I took a look at Daphne and Tracey "Go for it your welcome, I'll let the elves bring clean clothes. Take your time."

Dippy popped in "Master Gryffindor, your Huffies wants to visit, can they come in?"

Well, why not this completes the set. "sure pop them in, they are always welcome."

Hannah and Susan popped in. "Susan, how was the examination? Did they find something wrong?"

"There was something but it went away with what you did to the headmaster so thank you for that."

Hannah: "This is your quarters? They are big;" "Yes you should see the bathtub, can fit 10 at least."

Hannah: "Bathtub? 10 people?" "Yes there are already 4 in it, you can join them if you like."

Susan: "They are girls?" "Of course I can't let another bloke get in the tub with you, no they are Luna, Hermione, Daphne, and Tracey, you can get in if you like they just started, I let the elves bring clean clothes for you."

I made my way to the tub calling "There are two more, you have still some room?"

Happy Luna: "Yes let them in, we are talking monokini here." a lot of giggling was heard as I went to my Puffies, "Your welcome, enjoy yourself"

Susan: "What are you going to do? Join us? Take a peek?" "well, Suzy I think the others are not ready for it yet. And take a peek? Let me know when you want me to take a peek, and I'll come running."

Smiling they went to the tub, I called "Dippy?" "Yes, Master Gryffindor?" "Can you bring clean clothes for Susan Bones and Hannah Abbot please?" "Yes, Master I will bring clothes for your Huffies."

"Dobby?" "Yes, Master Harry?" "There are 6 girls in my bathtub, life changed a lot since I met you, I just wanted to say: thank you a lot." "Master Harry sir is the best! Dobby is happy to have a home with Master Harry sir." I took a quick shower in one of the guest rooms and joined Dobby for our talk.

"Ok, Dobby what can you tell about the houses I own? Big? Small?"

Dobby: "The main mansion is the biggest Tapsy told this was the house of Master Harry's grandparents, it is in Wales somewhere in a village with a long difficult name, a house in Hogsmeade with lots of rooms, a place in London and a summer house on the Easter isles. There are a big vineyard in France and a big animal farm in America Texas. Dobby did not go there."

"This is great Dobby, we visit the houses here in June we go to France in July and America somewhere in August. Do you get along with the rest of the family?" "Yes they are all great Tapsy is like a great mother for us. Dobby is very happy to be in your family Master Harry sir." "Our family Dobby It's your family too now. Can you bring me something to drink, please? And take something for yourself too, I want you to meet the girls officially as my personal elf if they ever get out of the bathtub."

A thee set appeared "Sit down Dobby, tell me something about yourself, do you have parents? Brothers, sisters a wife, and kids?

"I have parents master but I do not know them, they took Dobby away when he was very young as a wedding present for bad master. Dobby is alone, maybe Dobby has a brother or sister but Dobby does not know. Elves can not have children without Masters permission."

"Well they have my permission now, and you never have to ask for permission, if you like each other you can marry and have baby's as much as you want." I hope this isn't going to bite me in the ass, for all I know they may breed like rabbits.

Suddenly I hear Luna yell: "Harry, you can come and take a peek!" "Nooo!" I yelled back: "I already took a peek at you Luna, I am happy, I can wait for the rest." The rest was lost in a lot of giggling.

After a while they appeared smelling fresh and blushing, sitting down on the couches around the table I said: "Girls I want to officially introduce my personal elf Dobby. Hold it Hermione no comment yet and no judging too, let me explain, and then let Dobby talk. Questions later OK Hun?"

The Hun did it, blushing like never before she went quiet.

"Dobby was the whole year trying to save me, he warned me his old master had planned to do bad things in Hogwarts, his help was well-meant, but sometimes it went wrong, Yesterday when the chamber opened and a girl went down, I got after it with Ron and the fraud Lockheart, and yes he is a fraud. He interviewed the real hero's, and after he obliviated them with the only spell he was good at. Halfway down there was a cave in and we got separated, I went alone into the chamber. Ron broke his leg and Lockheart obliviated himself.

In the Chamber, I met a shade of Voldemort possessing the girl and was slowly taking over her lifeforce.

We talked, more like he bragged and I was trying to figure out what to do, when I refused to join his band of lunatics, he called his basilisk. After a bit of running around, Fawkes appeared with the sorting hat.

While Fawkes pecked the snake's eyes out, I put the hat on, thinking please get me some help.

Bamm! A sword, the sword of Gryffindor fell on my head, it hurt like hell, can you see me standing before a 70-foot snake with a sword? I felt bloody stupid, I ran up to a statue, the snake raised his body, and I stabbed the sword in his mouth right through his brain. The bastard nicked me with a fang, which broke off, dying, I dragged myself to the girl, Voldemort was laughing at me dying, when Fawkes landed beside me and dropped some tears into the wound.

Fawkes brought the cursed object over, and I stabbed it with the basilisk fang. Exit Voldy. Afterward, Fawkes transported us back upstairs to McGonagall."

By then the girls moved in closer, Puffs on the left, snakes on the right, and Hermoine and Luna hugging each other. "Everybody went to the hospital wing, Dumbledore and I were left, when Malfoy Sr came in with Dobby, Dobby was hinting his old Master was the culprit, so I went after them when they left, I took the cursed object with me, put a sock from me in it, and gave it to Lucius."

"Now this is where the story gets interesting. Lucius threw the sock away and Dobby catches it freeing himself. Lucius gets mad and gave me an Avada Kadavra. Girl pile… so not complaining… still not complaining. I continued:

"when that spell hit me, in a few seconds my whole life played before me. From the moment Voldemort tried to kill me in Godricks hallow, to when he actually killed me, in 7th year in the forbidden forest. During a big battle here at Hogwarts, I died.

Every year here was like a book I read or a movie that played, even though you all are way prettier than the actresses in that movie. "

"What I am trying to say is I saw what was wrong with me, the school, the wizarding world.

And already fixed a lot of things, especially Dumbledore and snape, the biggest ass wholes alive, well… mostly alive anyway.

Dobby chased Lucius away, and when I got my bearings, I asked Dobby to be my elf, he was happy to be my family, since then I was raising hell at school, got rid of all the staff, toasted the headmaster, and enslaved snape. Got to know 6 stunning beauties, peeked at Luna in monokini, thank you for that Luna, its branded in my memory, and here we are, fresh out of the tub."

"It is almost dinner time, do we eat here or down in the great hall? You decide Hermione you were out the longest. We can eat here swapping stories, or down in the hall getting new ones.

I wonder who won the best lover award. I know I won the beauty contest." The girls raised their eyebrows so I explained: "I got 6 beauty's so I won."

Hermione said: "I can't decide, let's vote for it."

"Here" "Here" "Here" "Here" "Here" "You know what? Let's eat here. Dobby can you arrange for our dinner, please? Let's move to the dinner table."

The table was nicely set with table silver, candles, and flowers in abundance, I said: "Hey does this count as a first date? See, candles, flowers, 6 beautiful girls, and one handsome, kind, sexy, and loving man. Did I mention charming? Well, that too."