My heart

I remember this day well, and how it all started. My name is Oana Pennilia and I live in the busy, crowded and utmost dirty city of Sallonithiss. On this specific day, I met him. I was being a nerd, I walked into one of these Jewish Museums around town, to feed my thirst for knowledge. I spent money on taxis and buses just to get there. But I did not expect this day to change my life forever. And it was all HIS fault.

As my tour through the museum ended and I took a look at the last bit of reliefs, I noticed a tall man approaching me. At first I did not look at him, but then he started to say something.

'So do you like Museums?'

It was then that I noticed this tall man, standing about 192 centimeters, was actually a man in an uniform. A cop. I did not know what happened to me at that time, but I immediately felt flustered. What was wrong with me? A girl only ever focusing on her career could not possibly become smitten so easily.

'I do yes. I am studying to become an archaeologist.'

Was my simple reply and I tried as best as I could to act as if I was totally not at all interested in him.

'You are very beautiful.'

What? No. No, that was just so basic. What a boring guy. Could he not come up with something better? Yeah, that was what my rational self thought, but my heart? My heart was racing.

'Thank you.' I simply walked past him, ready to leave the museum. The tour was over so I had no reason to stay any longer. I did not look at him, I completely avoided eye contact with him. That is just how arrogant I wanted to be, even though this guy filled my head with thoughts of waking up next to him already.

But it all did not matter, and I went on on my way. The glas door opened and I was outside, where a group of men in uniform stood. They all had my heart race, and for a moment I took a glimpse of them all. But I could not risk being put into the category of a desperate woman! I just needed to get away from here. But then I felt a hand on my shoulder.

'I would like to see you again. Would you mind giving me your phone number?'

Hah! This guy was just a dork. How simple did he think having a girl get his attention was? He needs to learn a few things in life.

That was exactly what I was thinking but as strange as it was, my fingers suddenly held his phone in my hand and I typed my own number in there.

Thinking back on it now, I can not believe how disappointed I am with myself. I gave myself away to him like I was for free. And in turn that was the treatment I would be receiving. Now all that remained was anger. Anger at myself? Deep down yes, but I would not deny that back then I was just an innocent maiden. So my anger had found its place in this world. I all the more felt it as I stood above the bloody thing in front of me. I could hear the thing whine. Again, again and again. But I could no longer understand what it was whining about. After all, it was not an easy thing to speak without a tongue. I was surprised though. How could it still be living? How could it still be crawling? Everyone before him went down much sooner.

Uniform, rich, poor, old, young, man, woman, child.

They all went down equally fast.

So what was so special about this being?

Was it even worth to try and find out?

No.. not in the slightest.

Because after all, he was, like everyone in this world.

Scum.

Nothing in this world was of any worth. Nothing in this world will ever be of any worth.

Everything is corrupted and evil.

Was I pure?

No, certainly not.

Not after that man I met so many years ago, Petros Dopolos -corrupted me and pulled me into the circle of this unjust world.

Yes... it was him!

'IT WAS HIM! IT WAS HIM!! IT WAS HIM!!

IT WAS HIM!'

I yelled again and again as a hammer found its way into my left and slammed down at the crawling thing again and again and again, until his head was no more but a bloody mess.

It was always like that. Crush everything out of any living organism and all that is left is blood and dirt.

We really are a most disgusting species.

Inside and Outside.

I noticed all this way too soon. I was just 16 years old when I was introduced to the dark side of humanity by Petros, the man I thought I loved.

Love is just an illusion. It is a fleeting feeling that overcomes us for a short period of time, but fades away as soon as our desires change into a different direction. Humans are just twisted like that, there was no helping it.

Another one was gone.

Another one was gone for good. This world does not need any more people. It is dirty enough as it is already. Indeed, was I in power the first rule to exist would be the assassination of any and all newborns. My lips formed a twisted smirk as I had that thought. Wouldn't it be nice to shut those babies that cry all night and day up forever?

Anyway, life is big and long. As humans we were granted a life way too long. And there were so many things we could do with it. I had my own plans for this life. And they would all be realized, that was for certain.

My work here was done for today.

Another human, so full of himself, so proud and so arrogant, was killed by my own two hands. Those hands that were once laughed at for being weak and fragile.

Those hands now picked up a brush. I always had one with me whenever I carried out this duty. It always had to be a fresh one. I would not be pleased carrying a brush around that is stained by dirty human blood. Even water could never kill all the dirt contained in human blood. Human blood, humans, are toxic.

I dipped the brush into the splattered open head of this thing and had it suck in as much blood as possible. Once I was satisfied, I simply drew the words 'Human Hater' onto the walls.

Putting the brush into a plastic bag and then in my own bag, I left this place, to never come back again.

As I got to the outside and was allowed to breathe in fresh air, I sighed in happiness. My lips formed a bright smile as I was thrown into a form of complete ecstasy.

Why did it always feel so good? Any time I killed a filthy human, I felt like I liberated myself. Like I did something good for the world. They would call me a criminal if they found out, but they were wrong. They did not yet realize my deeds are to save the world.

I am a hero.

And then my mind was once more thrown back to that moment at the Jewish museum. This memory will forever be engraved in my mind.

I left, leaving this handsome man I was so smitten by with my number.

Was I happy back then? If I am to be completely honest, I do not recall.

I just know that from that day on we would be in touch. We would be meeting. I met him many times before I allowed him to do more than just hug me. I told him that I was brought up in a conservative way. But he pushed and pushed and pushed, until I had no choice but to give in to him. I fell in love with him way too soon. It was my own mistake. I never knew love and I was seeking for it. I thought I loved him but it really was just a certain state of obsession over something that I thought would give me what I always wanted.

He clearly had the power in the first days of our relationship. And it was totally the power of his that he wanted me to feel. I feel ashamed to admit that back then I loved it. I was turned on by it and I wanted more of it.

A proud woman like myself should have never fallen so low, but I did and I have to say it again, it was all his fault.

He was the kind of guy who preferred dogs over humans. There were 3 dogs at his apartment, but I would not say, that he treated them the way he should have treated them. For most of the day, they were leashed on the balcony. But once I started moving in with him, he told me to keep them unleashed and play with them whenever he was at work. He told me he leashed them when he was out so they would not make a mess out of his place.

He was out a lot of the day. His work always kept him busy, there were night shifts a lot and sometimes he had to go to work even if it was not scheduled. I spent a lot of time with just his dogs. But it was fine. I had company, I had love.

That was all I ever dreamed of was it not?

Of course I was always happy when he came home, and when he did, he checked if I had done all the things he wanted me to do for him.

Cleaning, feeding the dogs, washing his clothes and uniforms and of course, cooking.

Once he confirmed it was all the way he wanted it to be, he petted my head and gave me a piece of chocolate.

I did not realize it back then, but I was basically just a 4th dog to him. He did not treat me as an equal. Why do I hate it right now but why was I turned on by it back then?

Coming back to the present time I felt the big rage return to me. The bliss was all gone and I now could not help it. I slammed my fist into the wall of a building over and over again, until it became the kind of bloody mess I hated so much.

I was a fool. I am no better than all these humans I so despise. I am not better! I gave in to him and allowed myself to be his dog!

I hated how these thoughts continued to consume me, even 10 years later.

Would it never end?