A glimpse of Nakul's past

Just a reminder: Words in Italics are the characters thoughts.

***

"I think the black one suits you more. Ummmm. Just a minute." Dhiraj was busy comparing leather jackets for his baby.

After spending their days tightly packed with work, they both finally got a free weekend. So they decided to go on a little shopping spree. Once at the mall, Dhiraj started picking things that would look good on his baby. What started with looking for one good tie soon turned into getting perfumes, glasses, shoes and now jackets. I wanna spoil him rotten. With that intention he started going through every store.

"Yup. Black one it is. Let's get this one." Dhiraj flaunted his goofy smile to Nakul. He was enjoying every bit of that "date" with his baby. But Nakul on the other hand was so bored. He never really enjoyed shopping in the 1st place. He mostly focused on getting the essentials and groceries as for clothes, he just ordered them online. He was only getting strung along with Dhiraj.

Disinterested in the shopping, he couldn't help but give in to Dhiraj's wishes every time he saw that goofy yet adorable smile of Dhiraj. His heart would just..... Melt.

But now, he was becoming uncomfortable as more items were starting to be added to their list. He wasn't really used to getting bestowed by so many gifts and that too so expensive. Sure Dhiraj was Mr Richie-Rich but Nakul was his humble self. His modest middle-class self started to feel a sense of indebtedness to Dhiraj.

"No. I don't need this." He replied with an awkward smile.

"Why?" Dhiraj didn't understand that awkward expression.

"Coz I don't need it. Let's....Let's just get out of here." Nakul turned to leave, just wanting to get out of that situation.

"I'm gonna get this for you." Dhiraj quickly turned to the assistant helping them and signaled him to add that jacket. He then sprinted to his baby, wanting to know why his mood suddenly got so down.

"Hey...What happened? You were all good just minutes ago. Then why are you so grumpy now?"

Nakul didn't know how to answer that. Suddenly, he felt so lacking.

"I....." He stopped.

"You.....?!"

He took a deep breath and let go. "I don't know how I should feel about this."

"About what?"

"Like....I don't need these things. I have a good jacket. And a nice pair of shoes and...why buy such an expensive tie? It's just a tie? Plus...these are like....super expensive." His discomfort was clearly visible on his face. And looking at those expressions of his baby, Dhiraj couldn't help but let out a small chuckle. He understood the pains Nakul had, but

"Baby.....these are not expensive-" Dhiraj tried reasoning with Nakul.

"Not expensive?! They are and-"

"Nakul....shhhhh." Dhiraj placed his index finger on Nakul's mouth, making Nakul stop mid-sentence. Nakul was visibly taken aback by that. With a deep stare in his baby's eyes and a smirk on his face, Dhiraj replied, "This is my way of showing how much I love you. Can't I do that?" Dhiraj smiled more and followed it with a quick wink.

And that made Nakul's mind go blank. Lov-?! Love me? Those words brought a flush of red across Nakul's cheeks. He covered his mouth and looked away trying to hide his uncontrollable smile from Dhiraj but was miserably failing at it. How can this man be so unhinged?! Nakul couldn't help but wonder.

That blush and that wide smile didn't go unnoticed by Dhiraj. He absolutely loved catching Nakul off guard with his cheesy words. An urge to make his baby blush more arised from within him. So he took a deliberate step closer to Nakul and whispered softly in his ears, "I absolutely want to spoil you rotten with my love. And these little gifts are just one small part of it."

Red ears, breathlessness and shy, coy eyes. His baby was embarrassed more. All Nakul could do was avert his eyes, as he was sure he would do something stupid if their eyes met. He started to feel an excessive want to do something in return for that man. But what should he do?

Out of nowhere, Nakul pulled Dhiraj down along with him. He pretended as if he was checking the items in the lower compartments of the display rack. Dhiraj didn't understand what happened. But before he could process it, he felt a soft kiss on his cheek. A sweet peck, hidden from the world. A kiss only meant for him. It was how Nakul returned the favor. Now it was Dhiraj whose mind went blank. Nakul wasn't really the kind of person who would do such a "bold" act in public eyes. But he did. Just for Dhiraj.

Nakul quickly got up and behaved as if the past 10 seconds never happened. And the lovestruck puppy simply got up and followed him.

* * *

Dhiraj was on cloud nine because of the kiss. Their date continued as they walked side to side, checking out more counters, trying more ice creams and roaming around aimlessly, just enjoying each other's company. they were lost in their world not being aware when the gaze of a man in his late 20s followed them. It wasn't a malicious gaze, rather it had a sense of long lost acquaintance to it. He smiled at the sight he saw and decided to get back to his task of taking a look at the items.

Oblivious to this, Dhiraj and Nakul were in their own merry land. But a call interrupted them. It was Dhiraj's phone. He stared at it for a second before breaking the news to Nakul that he will HAVE to attend it.

"Sorry babe. I'll have to pick this one."

"Yeah. Sure." Nakul nodded.

"Take a look around. I'll be right back." Dhiraj gave his baby a quick smile, before finding a more secluded place to attend the call. Nakul saw him part his way and just a split second, was struck with a feeling of loneliness. It was rather odd, since Dhiraj was just minutes away. It wasn't even the case that he had left, he just went to attend a call, but.....Nakul already missed him. He smiled at that thought, shaked his head and proceeded to look around the store near him. He was casually strolling around, looking at the outfits put up when his eyes met another pair of eyes staring at him. It was the man in his late 20s.

A smile broke on the corner of his lips as he noticed a flicker of recognition in Nakul's eyes. Nakul on the other hand froze as he understood who the person standing in front of him was.

Memories of the distant past came rushing back. The running through the veranda of his home, playing house-house with his older sister, where he and another little boy just 2 years older than him played the role of guests in his sister's tea party. How could he forget that smile? That smile which was the only few ones that made him feel safe. That smile, that protected him when other kids made fun of him for being able to distinguish colors. That smile that brought him warmth.

The way he smiles hasn't changed at all.

"Kushal...?!" Nakul sprouted, still being unsure if the person in front of him in fact was his cousin brother, rather more like his real brother and his childhood friend, Kush.

"I'm glad you still remember me," Kushal smiled some more.

How can I ever forget you? Nakul felt an overwhelming urge to hug Kush. But something stopped him from doing that. His mind went back to the circumstances of how and what led them to part ways and that sunk Nakul's heart. Suddenly the joy was taken over by a sense of guilt and anxiety. The once cheerful air suddenly started to feel heavy and uncomfortable. The stain on his existence, being a monochrome that he had forgotten after finding Dhiraj, came back haunting him. He broke into a cold sweat.

Kushal quickly perceived that change in the expressions on Nakul's face. He's still like an open book. Another smile found its way on that thought. Let's tease him more.

"I thought you would be happy to see me" Kushal said with a mischievous smile on his face.

That caught Nakul off guard. Of course he was happy to see his cousin after nearly 7 long years. No. He's here. Let's not bring up the past.

"Of course I am. I just....." Nakul didn't know what he should say. There were so many questions he wanted the answer for. Why didn't he come to see them even once in these past 7 years. They had no way to contact him. Why didn't he give them his phone number? Why won't he reply to their messages? But.....deep down he was afraid to ask them. Maybe because he knew the reason why they drifted away. And what Nakul dreaded the most was bringing up those painful memories once again.

No. It's understandable why he doesn't want to keep in touch with us. After what happened to him....after what Bua [Paternal Aunt /Father's sister here] did to him.....I can't expect him to behave as if that never happened.

"Kul....Nakul...?!" Kushal snapped his fingers to bring Nakul out of his thoughts.

"Huh?- I was thinking.....should we get a cup of coffee?" Nakul suggested.

"Yeah"

The two men made their way to a nearby cafe and got seated. The awkward silence still hovered around them. And Nakul had no idea of what he should say. Their eyes met again and Nakul's mind went blank due to how conscious he had become. In that state of mind he spouted.

"Di had a baby. Let me show you her pictures." Nakul brought up their niece as he had nothing to talk about. He sat near Kushal, and started showing pictures of an adorable baby Tara.

"She has Di's eyes. Tara is the perfect name for her." Kushal kept staring at them, slowly taking in the life changes he had chosen to miss of his close loved ones. And Nakul sensed that longing.

"You.....you should've been there." He meekly commented.

"I.....I thought...things will be better this way." The solemn tone in Kushal's voice, made it clear that he too did miss his family. But he also knew that the decision his father made about moving away when he was just 14 was for his own good. He HAD to leave Nakul and his family behind, to leave the trauma and devastation, life had brought upon him and his father. Yeah. Things ARE better this way. He assured himself.

" And things ARE better now." Kushal smiled at his younger brother, observing how he had grown up over the years. His eyes still gave off that stern, arrogant vibes but he was still a precious little kitty from within.

"You are all grown up. And you seem to be doing much better now" Kushal recalled seeing Nakul with Dhiraj just a few minutes ago. Although he wasn't sure of the nature of their relationship, he had a hunch. That guy must be Kuku's Chrome. Kushal more than anyone knew quite well, the smile and the happiness a monochrome has when they find their chromes.

"Yeah, I am" Nakul abruptly remembered a certain someone who exuded the energy of an over enthusiastic dog. Remembering Dhiraj made him blush for some reason.

"Found someone?" Kushal asked, wanting to confirm his hunch.

"Ahhh...yeah....kind of?!"

"Kind of? So...it's complicated?"

"Haha...Yeah..." Nakul let out an awkward smile as he himself wasn't sure if he and Dhiraj are a thing or not. Plus the fact that Dhiraj is a man?! That made him quickly change the topic. "How many years has it been? 7?"

"Yeah."

"Why.....Why didn't you come to see us?!After you moved away, you would still visit us sometimes. But after you got into college, you just....stopped. "

"I...I got busy with college" Kushal conveniently lied. Sure, college got him busy, but he could still visit Nakul and Naina sometime or other. But a part of him actively chose to avoid them. Especially Nakul. Maybe it was because, every time he saw his brother, he was reminded about the fact that Nakul was a monochrome. And every time he remembered that, it brought back the trauma he was trying to escape. He hated himself for projecting the aftereffects of his trauma on Nakul. But what could he do? The person who caused his trauma was his own mother. A monochrome.

As more time passed by, he got over it. And maybe because of that when he accidentally stumbled upon Nakul, he thought, Maybe I should talk to him.

"But.....you could've at least called." Nakul's head hung low. Because he knew what the unspoken truth would be. NO!! I shouldn't bring up the past. It will only trouble him. Nakul chose to change the topic. "But that's fine. What's important is that we've met now. Now that you are here, I'm going to take you home. Di will love..."

"I'll be leaving tonight...." Kushal broke the news to Nakul.

And Nakul was visibly confused. "What...?! I didn't...."

"I'm going back to Scotland. I live there...now....."Kushal suddenly felt a pang of guilt swelling up inside him.

Now Nakul was even more confused. "You...what...when....?"

"I moved to Scotland 2 years ago. I....."Kushal felt even more guilty about the things he hadn't shared with Nakul and his family. ".....I'm getting married in 3 months...."

Nakul's eyes were left wide open hearing that. Not being invited....Rather not even knowing what your brother is up to? Nakul couldn't help but feel as if he was a complete stranger to his brother. Is it because I'm a Monochrome? He felt a hollow from within.

"You should've at least told me about it..." Nakul managed to give a meek reply.

"I thought you guys would be busy....." Kushal tried giving some excuses. It wasn't that he didn't want to invite Nakul and his mother's side of family. He just didn't know how to. The actions of his mother had caused a deep sense of vege between the two families. And as years passed by, the chances of reconciliation diminished. No. This IS a chance. I can....try.

"Actually...I thought of inviting you but I don't know how dad would've reacted. You know....How thi...things...just..." Kushal felt his throat choking itself as he recalled the past. And seeing Kushal struggle, Nakul's body went numb.

He still hasn't gotten over things. With Kushal struggling in front of him, Nakul witnessed, once again, what the consequences of the actions taken by an obsessive monochrome can do. NO!! He made the right decision. Not seeing us, not seeing me, was the right decision. I don't want him to relieve those horrifying memories ever again.

Nakul tried to take control of the situation. "NO! You did the right thing. This...this IS the right thing." Nakul forced a smile on his face. It was a smile that showcased him being resilient despite the depressing situation. And that smile made Kushal see Nakul in a different light. He has indeed grown up. And that made Kushal ask the question,

"Did you find your chrome?"

That question caught Nakul off guard. He wasn't sure if should discuss about his chrome with Kushal, given the terrible experience he had with them, but for some reason, he wanted to. It was more like telling about your crush to your best friend. How can you not do that?

"Ahh....Yeah...."

"How are they?" Kushal used they instead of a specific gender to put Nakul at ease. Same-sex pairs were something people were still not acceptable towards.

"They..." Nakul blushed, "are really caring...."

"Older than you?"

"Yeah. But...sometimes I feel he's...."Nakul realized he specified the gender. He immediately halted.

"Feel he's?" Kushal showed as if nothing had changed, still curious about knowing his little brother more. And that silent acceptance brought a smile to Nakul's face. It was the 1st time he was talking about Dhiraj to someone close to him. He hadn't even told about Dhiraj to his sister.

"That he's more like a child despite his age. With him, everything seems easy. And he's really patient with me." Nakul's body started heating up. As if all the blood in his body was rushing to his brain.

Words started flowing easily out of the brothers as they talked more about their muse. Nakul about his puppy and Kushal about his soon-to-be wife. The atmosphere lightened and suddenly Nakul felt that the person in front of him was closer than ever. Maybe it was those endorphins that made Nakul ask Kushal about his father.

"How's uncle?" Nakul instantly felt as if he shouldn't have asked that question. But to his surprise, Kushal answered that question with ease.

"He's fine. Better than....."Kushal's mind went back to the devastating state his father was in after his mother....No. Focus on the good things. "He's good. Great in fact. He's...." He let out a small chuckle. "He's actually seeing someone."

Nakul couldn't believe his ears. The smiling face of his Aunt flashed in front of his eyes. What also came back was how his uncle showered her with love. How he was ready to throw away his world for her. But.....It was her who betrayed him. He gathered back his thoughts. "That's great!!"

Although Nakul tried to keep his thoughts to himself, in the end, he sprouted them out. He asked the forbidden question. "Before leaving, Will you be meeting Bua?" And that was it.

The overall good atmosphere Nakul and Kushal had built for the past ½ hour vanished into thin air. It was evident by the draggers, Kushal's eyes were throwing at Nakul. He saw Kushal's eyes turning ice cold and suddenly Nakul found himself regretting asking that question.

"Do you really think, after destroying our lives I'll still go and see that woman?" Kushal spit in a venomous tone. Everything was going well. But he HAD to bring her up. Kushal was in utter disbelief. Especially because he expected Nakul more than anyone else, to never bring up that lady. But here he was, asking Kushal if he would meet her.

Kushal massaged his temples, trying to swallow the utter disappointment he had just experienced. With dead serious eyes, he looked at Nakul and said, "After so many years, Dad finally decided to move on. And there is nothing in this world I care more for, than his happiness....." Nakul kept looking at him, on the verge of tears. He had opened up the wounds, all of his family actively tried to bury for the past 16 years.

Kushal saw a teary eyed Nakul and it made him gulp his anger. The last thing he wanted was to be mad at Nakul. He knew for sure that Nakul meant no harm with that question. And he was also aware of how easy his brother got anxious and his nasty habit of overthinking. He took a deep breath and began again, " She.....is dead for me. And she belongs to the place she is now. Jail." Kushal showed not even an ounce of mercy while he was talking about his own mother.

"Anyway. I think I should leave now." Kushal gathered up his things to leave. The previous few minutes had left a sour taste in his mouth. All of sudden he felt the urge to be alone. So he got up.

"Wait...." Nakul sprung up. He didn't want his brother to leave with uncomfortable silence. He absolutely regretted bringing up his aunt into the conversation. Especially when he knew how much that topic disturbed him. He MUST do something to amend his words. "Will we be meeting again?" Nakul's eyes desperately seeked an answer. And looking at those desperate eyes, Kushal softened.

"I...I don't think so...."

"Oh...."What should I do? I don't want him to go this way. Nakul looked around and saw the bag of Jacket Dhiraj had gifted him. Without any second thoughts, he picked it up and gave it to Kushal. "Take this. This is a gift from me."

Kushal didn't know how he should react to that. Ralph Lauren?! He read the brand's name. It must be expensive. "No...I don't't-"

"Take it!!" Nakul didn't let Kushal decline his gift. There was nothing he could do for his brother 16 years ago, when he needed someone's presence more than anyone. He had lived all these years, thinking, what if I could've just been for him back then? And now that he had met his brother again, he messed up. More guilt piled up.

"I...."

"It's a gift from your brother. You don't even want something I give?" Nakul's innocent eyes seeked answers from his older brother. And how could Kushal not give into them.

"Haiz..."Kushal let out a sigh, "Okay. I'll take it." Kushal accepted it.

"Can I.....Can I just get your phone number at least?" Nakul asked with the same innocent eyes.

Kushal gave in once again. "Yeah.... This is....This is my Whatsapp No. I'll....send you a link for VC on the wedding day. Join it."

Nakul got an unofficial invite to the wedding.

"Okiee" he showed off his smile and Kushal melted at that sight.

"Okay. I'll be leaving then"

"Wait... "

Kushal halted, not understanding what was wrong.

"Can I....Can I get a hug?"

Kushal obliged. Awkwardly, Kushal pulled Nakul in his arms and Nakul couldn't help but smile uncontrollably. He closed his eyes, soaking in the nostalgia he had for that embrace.

From a distance, Dhiraj spotted his baby. But the smile on his face disappeared when he saw Nakul in the embrace of another man. Jealousy hit him like a truck and he clenched his jaw at the sight. Soon after the man and Nakul parted their ways, but Dhiraj saw a lingering smile on his baby's face. What he also saw with the man, was a bag of the jacket he had gifted to Nakul.

All he could think of was : Who the fuck is that guy?

* * *