I’m Magnus Black, not Peter freaking Parker

"Still eating pointless food?" Magnus sat down at the edge of the Ravenclaws table, smirking when he saw a certain girl ever so green plate.

"Still being an insensitive prick?" Padma shot back without so much as a look, "And how many do I have to tell you it's not pointless? It's great for digestion, not to mention the nice figure I'll get…"

"Argue as much as you want, you're still eating grass." He said, shrugging when she glared a hole at his face.

It was the truth, there was something fundamentally wrong with people who refused to eat meat.

Meat is life!

He made a point of stuffing his plate with a healthy serving of over baked chicken breast, maintaining eye contact all the while.

"Prat."

He wasn't even going to humor her with an answer.

'What kind of weak ass insult is this? I demand a well thought out, thorough roast of my character!' 

It was an odd hill to die on, but Magnus has never been the sanest bird in the nest.

"You've got some sand on your shoulders." A very small, red-faced asian girl called to him, her voice little more than whisper.

"Oh, thanks." He nodded, and the sand moved away as if possessing a will of its own, a sight that would have surely disturbed a certain renegade jedi to no end.

'Still better than Jar Jar Binks.'

"You know, I think it's good that you're making an effort these days."

"I thought I was a prat?" He raised a brow, looking at his Indian friend who decided to forgive his honest and objectively truthful review of her alimentation.

"You are," She nodded, smiling in appreciation, "But you used to be an absentee, scarcely seen prat. Now you eat with us every other day, that's quite the improvement."

"You're becoming more normal, Magnus."

He didn't know whether he should thank her or curse her, but a certain chipmunk decided to spare him the trouble and take justice in her own hands.

"Just because you eat like a sheep doesn't mean you should think like one, Padma." Little Luna said without a moment of hesitation.

She didn't mean to hurt the girl, but was merely stating her honest opinion, which only made the burn that much fiercer.

"Normal is boring." She said, and he couldn't help but agree with the peculiar witch.

"Does it mean I can go back to being a dedicated adept of deep work?" He smiled.

"…More like an asocial recluse." Padma muttered under her breath, but he ignored her, she was in roasted prison after all.

He didn't make the rules, but he sure had a blast enforcing them.

"Nope." Luna chirped, a knowing smile on her face. "We both know you're only doing this because Fleur asked you~"

That made him pause.

Partly because a certain flower had been very lacking from his life lately, too busy with her heavy workload since she had to deal with both school and the second task.

Not to mention the arrival of her parents, and possibly her little sister, he knew she missed them dearly and would loathe to cut in their time because he was being needy.

But mostly because neither he nor Fleur were in the habit of telling people about their private discussions.

'How did this little clusterfluff acquire such sensible information?'

He planned a thorough investigation of the little girl's guesswork, and the limits of her dreadful insights on the details of his sentimental life.

No, he wasn't being paranoid, you're the paranoid one!

In the meantime, however, he had to deal with the curious look his two girls who happened to be his friends gave him.

'How should I tell them to mind their own business this time?' He thought, before pausing, 'Hm? That's curious…'

It wouldn't be wrong to say he felt a disturbance in the force.

A more exact description would be a shift in the localized mana flow, something that was usually followed by spatial displacement of some sort. Rather dangerous, but considering the sturdy wards all over the castle…

The conclusion was rather obvious.

Surely enough, a burst of fire appeared in front of him making quite a few people yelp in fright. Mostly foreign students and younger ones, still unused to this school's more than eccentric workings.

It disappeared swiftly enough, leaving behind a slightly warm letter with a familiar seal.

'Yup, that's Dumbledore.'

The boy grabbed the letter, making sure to appear calm and nonchalant as if he'd expected this random event.

'Appearances were important, why else would the old goat nail his so fucking hard?' 

Magnus might not like the man, but he has to admit, Dumbledore's got style.

"You're in trouble?" Padma asked, looking rather worried.

Luna on the other hand, seemed really excited to hear more about his troublesome misadventures with authority figures.

'That's my girl.' He had the urge to pat her head, and he did just that.

Something deep inside told he had just made thousands of people very satisfied with that one gesture.

So he did it again.

"I don't think so," He said, and that was a lie. "Maybe the headmaster just wants to congratulate me on my outstanding work?"

'Yeah, and my math teacher just wanted to have a little chat with me in his car.'

In any case, it was enough to appease his more standard minded friend.

With that done, he finished what little was left of his lunch to heed the old bearded man's summons, he considered going to Flitwick but ultimately thought better.

His head of house had been unreliable in the best of days, he wouldn't trust him now that he was tired and beat over highly problematic societal issues of all things.

Magnus walked through the corridors, taking a twist here and a turn there. Passed through some paths so dark none would guess it was still noon, took more than a few shortcuts till he reached the gargoyle vigil in front of Headmaster Dumbledore's office.

Many thoughts passed through his head at the time, which allowed in consideration of the intense Occlumency he shall use once he saw the most troublesome old bones since the birth of Hiruzen Sarutobi.

'Did he finally decide I was falling to the dark side?' He wondered, 'It was the sand, it must have been the sand on my clothes. He saw it and had divine visions of Anakin's version of birth control.' 

He stepped forward to the gargoyle, but this time the headmaster didn't see fit to open it on his own, a quick look at the letter showed him the newest candy inspired password the headmaster selected in his infinite wisdom.

"…There's no way I'm gonna say that." He read it mentally and winced, was this shit even real?

Unfortunately, the gargoyle had little care for his not at all inflated ego and staunch refusals to stoop down to Dumbledore's level.

*sigh*

"Alright,"—Magnus looked at the statue with scorn—"Baby ruth."

He didn't brood all the way up the staircase, but he does plead guilty of using the mind arts to clear his expression and plaster a comfortable smile on his face.

He had access to what is essentially a cheat code for all aspects of his life, why on earth wouldn't he use it to the fullest?

No, Billy, using it to the 'fullest' does not involve emotionally and mentally influencing pretty women into having an intense and extremely toxic relationship with him.

That would qualify as a certain four letter word, and it isn't good.

Just as he was about to knock, the door opened on its own leaving him standing awkwardly with his hand half raised.

"Ah, Magnus," Dumbledore chuckled good naturally, which would have at least helped remove his worries if not for a tiny little detail. "Thank you for coming on such short notice."

He wasn't worried at all.

"Headmaster." He fixed his posture, his smile right back on his face making one of the study's other occupants giggle.

Yes, this new meeting was not private.

'Fleur.' Was the first thing he thought, looking at a silver blonde haired witch sitting in the transfigured sofa next to a grizzled haired man with a stubble that screamed 'I want to look more serious than I truly am.'

What on earth was his sweet flower doing in the old goat's office? Was she in trouble?

Then his vision shifted to the identical minus sized copy sitting on the other side of the sofa, looking at him with big blue eyes and giggling every now and then.

She was sitting in that one universal position invented and reinvented by all mischievous children through the ages, knees on the sitting pillow and holding the backrest in her tiny hands.

'Little Fleur?'

Their eyes met, and she blushed wildly, hiding behind the conjured furniture much to the older men's amusement; he'd join in on the fun if he wasn't that confused.

It didn't last long however.

Before the elderly could enjoy some fun at his expense, he had already processed the situation well enough to know what was happening and where it was heading.

*sigh*

'I can already feel a headache coming.' He looked to the smiling old man in starry purple robes, and to the small little thing that just took hold of Luna's spot as the most adorable mascot imaginable by virtue of existing.

Magnus resigned himself, his life was bound to be troublesome.

"I'll do it." He said seemingly on a whim, the more mature version of Fleur and her male companion seemed as troubled as they were surprised, the little angel's emotions were too cute to be discerned by mortals like him.

As for Dumbledore, he only grinned like a proud grandfather seeing his ward doing the right thing, a sight he was rather familiar with.

'Manipulative old goat,' He cursed in his head, but he couldn't help but admire the Supreme Mugwump's play. 'This is emotional blackmail,'

What was the proud grandfatherly smile for? He was Magnus black goddamnit! He should be suspected of dark magicks and darker goals, not whatever it is that was happening in Dumbledore's senile mind.

"Did you inform him first, Monsieur Dumbledore?" The man was the first to take in stride, old bones notwithstanding.

"No Sébastien, I am much too old to cheat in such a way, Mr. Black must have figured this out on his own." Dumbledore's smile grew, watching the frenchman grumble a few curses before being chided by his wife.

Magnus took note of that.

'So that's where Fleur picked her filthy mouth.' 

Beyond future ammunition he'd only use to relentlessly tease Fleur without bringing any damage to her self-esteem, as per the rules he was starting to learn, the boy picked up two other facts that helped solve this little puzzle.

The man's name was Sebastien.

And these two geezers had the gall to bet on his reaction.

"Yes, I know about the second task, I also know a a little girl has no business getting friendly with merpeople down there." He looked at the two adults, trying to see why on earth they'd think it was a good idea.

If they would even do it here, he had spent enough time in this new world to know that Rowling's works were hardly more than rough drafts of reality, one he had twisted and shaped with his mere existence.

Yes, these two people were Fleur Delacour's parents.

"Je ne suis pas petite!" The living fluff who could only be Gabrielle, his flower's beloved little sister, said once her father got roped into translation duties. "J'ai 10 ans et demi, Mr. Noir."

(trad: I am not little, I have 10 years and a half Mr. Noir.)

Not that he blamed him, she was that cute.

"No, you are not," He replied in her language, much to her delight, but noticed that neither of her parents were surprised. "It's still very dangerous, your sister would be very worried."

'So they know about me, huh.' 

The thought made him more happy than it should.

"She would worry about you too, Magnus." She said, as if it was obvious.

And that inflicted some critical damage on the scion of Black.

Yeah, there was no way he'd let her go down there alone in the cold, not when Albus third-floor Dumbledore was in charge of security.

-Author Note:

Hey guys! It's Uncle Sheo!

Back with a new chapter, I apologize for the delay, but traveling by train every single day is much harder than anime would make you believe.

Shout out to Thief from our discord server for this one, kept me entertained along with our resident distraction and good ol' Crimson who might or might not have threatened to kidnap me…yep, he pulled a Tobi.

Word Count: 2089 words