Caution to all!

If you're still here with me, Thank you!!!

Now let's go over the trauma. When I was younger I have very little memories. Most come to me when I'm asleep. Specifically when I feel safe and secure. I think it's the way my mind keeps me on my toes. So that these things never happen again. I'm no shrink but that's usually how it goes. Let's jump back to when I was a child. This is not for soft hearted emotional people. These are my truths, my trauma. Some of these are things I remember, other parts are what my family has shared with me. So please be aware of this ahead of time. These tiny snippets are what shaped who I am today. Though I lack a sense of self and have no stable personality it is me. So please bar with me as it is raw and very hard to openly write these down.

Let us start here when I was still in my mother's belly. I was a twin. My brother died at birth. My cord was wrapped around his neck. He was already dead as it literally suffocated him then broke his neck. I was born during a really bad storm. I also came out dead. The doctor worked hard on me. The power went out. The back up generators never came online. They worked in the dark. After about 5 full minutes they pronounced me dead. My mom was in bed praying to get deities and gods to save my life. Lightning hit the hospital and I started breathing on my own. I let out a bunch of coughs and started to scream. The nurse ran to me and picked me up. They handed me to my mother. Mother didn't want to touch me. Said that I was now filled with a walk in. Even after we left the hospital. She refused me. She was pumping out my milk. My grandma was taking care of me. After a few weeks she decided she would try. Once they thought it safe because my mom did have postpartum. They let her take me home with her. My grandmother was telling me about my mother and father. They would fight a lot. Sometimes for hours at a time. One day it got so bad the neighbor and mom ended up calling my grandmother. My parents had placed me on the bed and secured me with the blankets and pillows. Between the rough arguments. They ended up bumping the bed hard enough. I fell between the bed and wall. I was being smashed by the bed and smothered by the pillow. I was already changing colors from the lack of air. No longer trying. Just stuck there limp. Grandma gave me cpr and revived me. Then she took me home. Where I stayed for a while. Mom came back for me. Dad left mom after a while because he was cheating on my mom with my step mom. Yes the one I mentioned earlier. Let's jump a little forward. This is one of my most relived moments of outer body dreams. I was about a year old now. My father came to visit. After he left my mother had wrapped her telephone cord around my neck and was lifting me up using that cord. I passed out and she just walked away like it was nothing. The next memory they came to me in dream form. I was about 2 years old. Mom and dad were fighting. After he left she got mad and hit me. I flew right off the balcony. Luckily I landed in the dumpster. Had it not been there I probably would've gotten really hurt. Since we lived on the 3rd floor. The dumpster was filled with mostly softer items. Fallen leaves, cushions, pillows and blankets. So I would say I had a soft landing. I did though have an injured arm and leg. Mother came down and got me. When I was about 3 years old. Mother and father were fighting. She used me as a body shield. When my father went to hit her. That was the very very last memory I have until I am about 5 years old. Mother took me to stay with my great grandma(gg), aunt and cousins. We would get into a lot of mischief. Mother says that I am different from others. She seats that once while I was there. She had a bad feeling so she checked on me. I was floating in the corner of the room. I was completely asleep. It was as if a spirit was trying to take me out of the Window but couldn't get it open. Then gg and my aunt started chanting. Mother caught me and put me back into my bed. Swore I slept right through it. A few weeks later I was out back and I fell off the monkey bars. I broke my arm. My bones splintered right through my skin. Mother took me to the hospital. They did a full investigation. I was in shock. They said the way it looked. Someone broke my arm or at least pushed me in a way that when I landed they broke. So she told them I was playing on the monkey bars in the back yard. I have no memory of this. I was told this story by my aunt a few times. As if waiting to see if I remember what happened that day. I still have no real memory as to how it happen. We left my aunts place.