23. Chapter 23

Joe’s was surprisingly lively for a Thursday night, the result of an overtime baseball game and two bachelorette parties. Maya nursed her whisky, looking around the bar, feeling slightly out of place.

She had to remind herself that going out every once in a while was acceptable, it didn’t make her irresponsible or a bad parent. Going out after an inspection was Station 19 tradition and despite the investigation and tensions between Maya and the department, she didn’t want to miss the social gathering. Especially because it was Andy’s first inspection as captain and Maya was trying to be supportive.

So, she sipped her whisky and watched Jack flirt with one of the wedding groups, wincing when she realized he was making eyes at the bride. Andy must have caught on too because she was suddenly speed-walking towards him, which meant that Maya wouldn’t have to intervene. Stepping into Jack’s drama was really the last place she ever wanted to be.

She checked her watch, relieved to see the time because Carina was due any minute to join her.

It was the first time they were leaving Jamie since bringing her home. Amelia had insisted on taking the baby for a few hours because Carina had barely left the house in weeks and was starting to go stir-crazy. Maya caught her watching c-section videos on YouTube and insisted that a glass of wine at Joe’s with A-Squad couldn’t hurt.

But even Maya was feeling anxious about the idea that someone else was taking care of her baby. And while it was true that Amelia was a world-class surgeon and had yet to drop her own child, Maya had a hard time trusting anyone other than Carina with Jamie.

She took another sip of whisky, letting it settle warmly in her chest, and tried to concentrate on enjoying her evening.

“Sorry, I just think it’s gross.”

Vic’s voice caught Maya’s attention and she looked across the room, finding Vic and Travis seated next to each other in a booth. She decided to join them, the prospect of rescuing Jack from an angry group of bridesmaids feeling less and less appealing.

“Do you not have a romantic bone in your body? How can you not have a romantic bone in your body?” Travis was saying as Maya slipped in across the table.

“What’s gross?” She asked, taking in Vic’s vaguely nauseas expression.

“Survey time,” Vic said, “how do you feel about the term making love?”

Maya furrowed her brow, the whisky slowing her thoughts.

“Uh…as an organizational tool or an activity?” Maya wondered out loud.

Travis raised both eyebrows. “An organizational tool?”

“Yeah, I mean…for differentiating types of sex,” she said.

Vic nodded slowly, starting to understand.

“Like there’s casual sex,” Vic said, thinking deeply

“And morning sex. Afternoon sex. Also evening sex, always a crowd pleased,” Travis seemed to be getting it too.

“Tired sex, I missed you sex, we’re bored sex,” Maya continued.

“Do we count sex locations?” Vic asked, “Like bedroom sex, kitchen sex, shower sex…”

Maya wasn’t sure when she’d developed such a strong opinion about sex classification, but she shook her head, frowning.

“No, I think by type,” she said.

“Oh, birthday sex and anniversary sex,” Travis listed on his fingers, which made Maya shoot him a thumbs up.

Vic pursed her lips. “Okay, so is fucking included?”

“Yes. See? Exactly,” Maya said.

“Wait…why exactly?” Vic looked even more confused.

“There’s a difference between fucking and making love,” Travis explained, though his words gave Maya pause.

Because he was right, but Maya still felt a little uncomfortable with the latter term.

“Obviously, but I don’t do making love,” Vic laughed, “that’s gross and squishy and way too many feelings. Why can’t it just be fun, happy, good time sex?”

“Vic, it’s your first anniversary and your boyfriend said he wants to make love to you, why are you not swooning?” Travis asked, clearly exasperated.

“I just…no…nope…no. Do not want,” Vic gagged.

“You do not want what?” Carina appeared in front of the table, holding a glass of wine in one hand and another whisky for Maya in the other, and Maya couldn’t keep the dopy grin off her face.

“Vic has taken personal offense with the term making love,” Travis said, as Carina sat down next to Maya.

She set the whisky on the table and then leaned over, pressing a quick kiss to Maya’s temple.

“Ciao, Tesoro,” she said, a content smile on her face.

Maya smiled back. “Jamie okay?”

“Sì, but she cried when I left and now…” Carina pressed her hand to her heart and Maya understood exactly what she was feeling.

“Should we text Amelia?” Maya started to tap her phone when Travis reached across the table and grabbed it out of her hand.

“It’s for your own good!” he said and though Maya wanted to protest, she eventually surrendered, refocusing on her drink.

“Vic, tell me about this love making problem,” Carina sipped her wine, waiting expectantly, and Maya belatedly realized that she was sitting next to Dr. Orgasm.

Carina had no shame and very few boundaries when it came to discussing sex. In public? In private? With friends? With strangers? Carina didn’t care and Maya only hoped that Vic knew that she was about to get the full Carina DeLuca experience.

“It’s nothing! Theo may have used the term making love and I may have puked in my mouth a little and apparently that makes me a bad person!” Vic shoved Travis in the side with her elbow.

“But making love is wonderful. It is the most beautiful thing two people can do together,” Carina said, taking Maya’s hand and kissing her knuckles.

Maya blushed so hard that she could feel her ears turn red.

“Bishop, I don’t even recognize you anymore,” Vic shook her head, only half-joking, but Maya understood where she was coming from.

She’d spent years of her life shunning anything other than casual sex. The second she sensed someone had feelings for her or the sex was more than fun, she’d disappear, icing them out of her bed and her life in a heartbeat.

Being cold and unfeeling became her thing. It was almost a joke. She was the queen of one-night stands. She didn’t involve herself with anything messy.

But that was all before Carina.

“Hey! I’m just trying to drink my drink over here in peace,” Maya said.

“Don’t tell me it doesn’t gross you out,” Vic insisted, “I know you, Bishop. I know you.”

Maya felt Carina’s eyes on her, though she knew her wife likely found the entire conversation amusing.

“Uh…I guess the term is kind of cheesy,” Maya shrugged.

“What you call it does not matter,” Carina said, “it is about vulnerability. And intimacy. Finding a person to be that vulnerable with? To share that level of intimacy? It is a gift, Vic.”

“It’s a gift I don’t want,” Vic laughed, though there was something behind her smile that told Maya far more was going on beneath the surface. Carina seemed to sense it too because she didn’t push and neither did Travis.

Vic stood then, the smile still a little too wide, though her voice was light.

“Now, if no one else needs me, Jack is about thirty seconds away from losing at beer pong,” Vic bowed to the table and spun on her heels, walking off into the crowd.

Travis sighed heavily watching her go.

“It’s Ripley,” he said, the sadness in his tone unmistakable.

“Ripley?” Carina looked from Maya to Travis, clearly confused.

Travis turned back, sighing again. “Vic was engaged a few years ago…he died.”

“Chief Ripley,” Maya raised her glass, clinking it against Travis’s beer bottle.

Carina softly gasped, setting her wine down on the table.

“Oh, that’s terrible,” she said, her hand finding Maya’s thigh.

“She loves Theo, but…when you lose the love of your life? Nothing is ever really the same. Including sex. Trust me…I know,” Travis spoke almost to himself, though Maya could see the sadness clear as day on his face, “Like you said, when you have that level of vulnerability and intimacy with someone? And then you lose that someone? You kind of don’t want to try and find it again. It just hurts too much, it’s too risky. And…wow…I was a shit boyfriend to Emmett…why did no one tell me I was such a shit boyfriend to Emmett?”

Maya and Carina glanced at each other, surprised by the change in topic.

“Anyway,” Travis continued, “I get it. I don’t think I’ll ever get there again with anyone else. I’m not sure I’d ever want to. It would feel like betraying Michael somehow? Like cheating on him? Why am I talking so much?”

Travis looked at the six empty beer bottles in front of him and blinked heavily.

“Uh…you okay Travis?” Maya asked, watching the play of emotions across the table. Sadness quickly turned into a neutral half-smile, which then turned into a shrug.

“I am,” he said, “honestly I am. But she’s not. So I’m gonna…” Travis slid out of the booth and pointed towards the back of the bar where Vic was busy gesturing wildly at Jack.

The DeLuca-Bishops watched him go, both a little startled by Travis’s confession though Maya felt something dark seep into her chest. Dark and uncomfortable.

Travis had lost his husband and Vic had lost Ripley.

Andy had lost Ryan and she’d lost Sullivan too in a different way.

Maybe it was the whisky, maybe it was Travis’s words or Vic’s fake smile, but Maya realized for the first time that they were surrounded by tragedy. As if reading her mind, Carina was suddenly there, her forehead pressed against the side of Maya’s head.

“Hey, want to be boring moms and go rescue our baby from Amelia?” Maya asked, sensing the conversation may have upset Carina.

She felt warm lips against her cheek, smiling.

“Sì.”

“She’s going through our drawers…you know that, right?”

Carina leaned back, a knowing smirk on her face. “I locked my bedside table.”

Despite the heaviness of the moment, Carina always found a way to bring light. Maya laughed even though an uneasy dread still tugged at her chest. She laughed because Carina was beside her, Carina who would never leave her alone is the dark.

~*~

It’s terrifying. It’s like ripping your heart out and watching it walk around the world.

Maya stood in the washroom brushing her teeth, hoping Carina wouldn’t notice her staring.

They’d stayed mostly silent in the Uber home, holding hands while looking out opposite windows. After a brief chat with Amelia, Maya had retreated to the bedroom to wash up for the night and Carina had gone to see that Jamie was settled and now Maya found herself enthralled by the sight of her wife and daughter lying next to each other on the bed.

It was well past Jamie’s bedtime, but she’d started fussing as soon as they’d walked through the door, so Carina was trying to lull her to sleep with tummy time and some encouraging words that Maya couldn’t quite make out. Usually, tummy time zapped Jamie’s little body of its strength and she’d go right to sleep.

Maya watched the baby trying to raise her head, her tiny fists in front of her.

Ripley had died and so had Michael. Ryan was dead and Sullivan had moved on.

Meanwhile, Maya’s entire heart was sprawled on her bed and she could feel her hands shaking.

An old voice in her head, familiar but unwelcome, whispered that this is exactly what she didn’t want. It was so risky. She could lose everything. The only time in her life that she had allowed herself to love was her brother and she’d lost him. Love was dangerous. Love put her at risk. Love could ruin everything.

Except Carina’s laughter was rain after a drought and Jamie’s eyelashes were miracles and Maya silenced the old familiar voice because she wanted this. She wanted it more than anything she’d ever wanted in her life.

She’d toss her medal in the ocean if it meant a day by Carina’s side.

“Mommy thinks we can’t see her, but we can,” Carina said, never taking her eyes away from Jamie.

Maya rolled her eyes, but knew she’d been caught. She turned off the light and joined Carina on the bed, lying on her stomach just like Jamie.

“She’s lifting her head,” Maya watched as Jamie pushed herself up for a few seconds before lowering herself again. It looked like she was doing tiny baby push-ups, especially as she huffed from exertion.

When it seemed that Jamie had tired herself out,  Carina rolled onto her back and carefully placed Jamie on her chest, knowing her heartbeat usually helped Jamie fall asleep.

“I didn’t know Vic was engaged before,” Carina spoke softly, folding her hands on top of Jamie’s little butt.

“Hmm. He was a good chief, even though he tried to move me to Station 23 once.”

“He did?”

“After I made lieutenant. 19 had too many, so Ripley wanted to transfer me. Sullivan asked him not to.”

Station 19 now had five lieutenants, an oversight that could only be the result of Ross’s intervention.

Carina was quiet for a moment, absorbing the information.

“I still don’t like Sullivan,” she said after a time. Maya smiled at her, amused by Carina’s grudge.

“Vic moved on pretty quickly after Ripley. People gave her a hard time about it, but…I don’t know…”

It felt like another lifetime. Maya wondered if it felt like that for Vic too.

“People shouldn’t judge. She survived. That’s all that matter.” Carina spoke with conviction though she didn’t make eye contact.

Maya could tell by the hardline of her jaw that Carina was struggling with something.

“Carina, are you…”

“Surrounded by people who lost their great loves in the line of duty?”

Maya winced. She chose not to mention Ryan too. Technically his death was a freak accident, but she didn’t want to add to the pile of Station 19’s tragic losses.

“Carina…”

“Non voglio parlare di questo.”

Carina sat up with Jamie in her arms and turned her back to Maya, busying herself with putting Jamie to bed. Maya didn’t say anything as she watched Carina adjust Jamie’s blankets and whisper buonanotte, mio piccola amore. She could tell by Carina’s sharp movements that she was processing her feelings, something she liked to do on her own time.

But Maya wasn’t about to leave her alone either, so she stayed on the bed, quiet, waiting for Carina to finish with Jamie.

Maya couldn’t assure Carina that she would always come home. She couldn’t tell her that she wouldn’t end up widowed like Travis. All they could do was live in the present and hope for a long future together. Sometimes hope felt like a poor consolation prize for certainty.

A change in topic felt necessary.

“I never think about sex as complicated, but I guess it can be complicated,” Maya wondered aloud, shifting onto her side.

Carina was busy changing into a tank top, but she paused, looking over her shoulder.

“What do you mean?” She asked, the troubled expression on her face shifting to curiosity.

“What Travis said about Vic and not wanting to…uh…you know…”

“Make love?” Carina teased, which made Maya groan and shake her head.

“So cheesy.”

“Maybe? But accurate, no?”  

“Not at all!” Maya said sitting up. “Love cannot be made. It’s not something physical.”

She belatedly realized that she was debating romance with an Italian, and from the smug look on Carina’s face, Maya didn’t stand a chance.

“And yet, we have. Explain that,” Carina said, raising her eyebrow in challenge. She sat down, her back to the headboard.

“Okay, yes, we’ve had intimate sex, but…”

“But nothing. We have made love, Maya. I was there. You were there.”

“Okay, I know, but…ughhh.” Maya lay back, hiding her face in her hands.

The conversation made her feel naked, which usually wouldn’t bother her around Carina, but this was…a lot. She felt exposed, like she couldn’t get comfortable in her own skin, but she couldn’t quite explain why.

She kicked off her jeans, deciding that if she didn’t have the words, she’d get ready for bed and hope Carina would drop it. But a warm hand on her ankle stopped her from moving anymore, leaving her in her t-shirt and boyshorts.

She really was naked. Or somewhat naked.

There was a dip in the mattress and when Maya turned her face, she found Carina lying on her stomach next to her, staring down into her eyes.

“There is no need for shame, Bambina. It was beautiful. It always is,” she said, kissing Maya’s shoulder.

“It’s not that…it’s just…I’d never done that before you. With anyone. And it makes me feel inexperienced or like an amateur and I know you’ve done it before with other people and I’m not jealous, I…”

“I haven’t done that with other people,” Carina said, which made Maya scoff.

“Carina, I know you’ve been in love before.”

“Yes, but you’re my wife.”

Maya furrowed her brow. “We definitely did that before we were married, so…”

Carina gently took Maya’s chin with her thumb and turned her face.

“There is a difference between doing that with someone you once loved and doing that with the love of your life.”

Damn that Italian romance game…

The confession made something roar in Maya’s chest. It made her feel less like an awkward novice and more like she and Carina had truly shared something similar, something profound.

Something uniquely there’s that neither had known before.

“And I think you’re wrong when you say that love can’t be made,” Carina continued. The statement made Maya roll onto her side so she could look at Carina face to face.

“Oh?”

“The night we decided to bring Jamie home. I think we made something. It felt like we did.”

Carina was uncharacteristically shy, and Maya realized that her wife had just shared something vulnerable, something that she’d likely felt for a long time but wasn’t sure if Maya would agree.

But Maya had felt it too. She just didn’t have the words.

“We did,” Maya whispered, taking Carina’s hand where it lay on the bed.

Carina closed the gap, her lips light against Maya’s. When she settled down again, she was smiling, her eyes almost hazy.

“Ti amo così tanto, cuore mio,” she said, squeezing Maya’s hand.

Maya wrapped her arm around Carina’s middle and pulled her in, leaving no space between their bodies. They kissed and held each other, hands casually passing over hips and shoulder blades and it was only when Carina blinked heavily that Maya finally found the strength to move away.

She helped Carina get under the covers, tucking her in before settling next to her, warmed when Carina wiggled as close as possible. She lay her head on Maya’s chest, her eyes already closed, and Maya let herself listen to the steady sound of Carina breathing and the softer, but no less beautiful inhales and exhales coming from Jamie’s crib.

Maya thought about their evening. About Ripley and Michael. She thought about Ryan too, his kindness, the way he had listened to her speak about Mason with a friendly ear instead of judgment.

For her entire adult life, Maya had shunned the notion of family. There was no comfort there, no safe haven. But things were different and Maya’s perspective had changed. She stroked her hand up and down Carina’s arm, worrying into the late hours, amazed that she had a family of her own, a family she had built. But with the amazement came fear because what if the universe had other plans? What if her fate was the same as Ripley’s or Michael’s?

“Carina?” Maya spoke into the night, though she could tell that Carina was still awake.

“Hmmm?”

“I think I’m ready to call my mom.”

Family had not been a comfort or a safe haven, but it was now. And she wanted Carina and Jamie to have all the comfort and all the safety she could give them. Even if she wasn’t there to do it herself.