Crazy Old Bat

"Little Master, this can't go on."

Yan Zheyun blew on his hands to try and keep them warm. He pushed Xiao De's worried face further away from him but not so far that he would lose the huddled heat they were sharing beneath the one good blanket that he had. On the table, breakfast had gone from thin porridge and some pickled vegetables to just rice water with hardly any grains in it. A half-cooked sweet potato sat inside, hard enough to hurt his jaw whenever he bit into it.

[Mother knows best,] he thought drily. [She foresaw my bleak future as an unloved concubine and tried to teach me all the important life lessons via drama-watching. I should have believed her when she said that all Momos were inherently evil.]

"Little Master, why don't you just…just…" Xiao De hesitated because he knew that what he was about to suggest was outrageous. Even as a eunuch, who had his manly dignity robbed from him at a young age, he was loathed to do what Sun Momo had ordered the little master to do. But the inner palace departments were already starting to bully the little master before Sun Momo even started her punishment. At this rate, the little master was going to become thin enough to vanish between the cracks in the ground, if he didn't freeze to death first.

Yan Zheyun raised an eyebrow. Breakfast tasted like, well, not like shit, exactly because it was tasteless but bad enough that he couldn't muster up any enthusiasm for it. He knew he needed sustenance though and this wasn't the moment to be stubborn.

"Why don't I just what?" he asked, reaching out to wrap his hands around the bowl. Even the porcelain was of a lower grade than it had been when he'd first entered Zheshan Palace. These eunuchs were truly a sycophantic lot, quick to butter up those in high places while trampling on those low enough for their shoes to reach.

Xiao De couldn't say it, blinking helplessly at Yan Zheyun as though uncertain why Yan Zheyun was making his life difficult by not filling in the blanks himself.

Yan Zheyun nodded sagely. "Am I to understand that you're asking me why I refuse to strip naked and play with my own ass in front of a whole room of servants led by a crazy old bat?" Sun Momo never showed up alone, always had half a department of maid and eunuchs with her under the guise of requiring assistance with 'props'. But Yan Zheyun knew it was just to add more observers of his humiliation.

He took an experimental sip at his meagre meal and pulled a face because it was already cold. Next to him, poor shocked Xiao De turned a beetroot red. Yan Zheyun couldn't blame him, he purposely chose colourful language to prove his point even if the word 'ass' was particularly incongruous with Yan Yun's pretty little face. Xiao De's reaction was already very commendable. If Yan Zheyun were him, he might have done a whole spit take.

"L-Little Master…" Xiao De stammered. "Y-you…"

"I—I—I am going to finish breakfast and go for a run," Yan Zheyun replied, with such decisiveness that he sent Xiao De off into a new fit.

"Little Master," Xiao De all but wailed. "You cannot! If Sun Momo sees you, she'll—"

"She'll what? Stop my meals altogether? Not likely, bullying an unfavoured concubine is one thing but killing one is another." Yan Zheyun shrugged. "I'll take my chances. As long as she doesn't try fingering my ass for me, I'm not fussed about the rest." He was adamant about running not because he was a fitness junkie but he was craving the warmth that he could get from exercise, even if it was just temporary and made him even more prone to hypothermia after if not careful.

But cuddling with a reluctant, horrified Xiao De wasn't sufficient anymore now that they were approaching the dead of winter. Their coal supply had dwindled to the bare minimum and it looked like they had been oh-so-conveniently left off the replenishment list. Hence, they could only ignite one or two pieces and save this for the nights, which were unbearable.

Yan Zheyun never thought he would say this, but he missed the Wu Household kitchens. It was always scorching in there, although to be fair, he'd never spent a winter there before and didn't know whether it would be sufficient to save him from this biting chill. He wasn't used to this type of cold, having come from a city that was further down south and more humid even in winter. Not to mention, he'd had the privilege of modern amenities like heating everywhere he went.

And now he was reduced to jogging around to keep warm, of all things. By the time spring came around, if he wasn't a pile of bones, he was expecting to be at least top ten in terms of physical fitness in the imperial city.

"I'm going to run," he declared. "You can join me if you like or you can sit in my bed, pull out all my clothes and hug them to make them warm." He was going to have to dive right back in if he didn't want to risk his temperature dropping steadily once he stopped moving.

"Wait, Little Master—"

But Yan Zheyun was off.

Winter always delayed sunrise so the sky was still a deep mellow blue when he threw open the doors after doing some warm-up stretches. It was too cold to wear his makeshift running gear, especially without any sunlight to help heat the courtyard. The wind whistling down the empty corridors seemed to pass right through his skin as he broke into a fast jog, penetrating deep into his bone marrow with a throbbing ache that his father would call a rheumatic pain.

[You said that I'd get this from not blowing my hair dry before bed every night but I don't even have the luxury of that anymore.]

He wasn't sure how many laps he ran, going on a loop from the top floor back down to the bottom, careful to avoid the patches of ice that had formed from dirty snow that Xiao De didn't manage to finish clearing up. One eunuch to attend to the entire housekeeping of Zheshan Palace was impossible and Yan Zheyun chose to be more cautious rather than admonish Xiao De for missing out spots here and there.

At some point, his arms and legs started to thaw out as his core temperature increased, a snug warmth radiating out from his body that was now a comforting source of heat. It might be a bad idea to come out and work up a sweat and then have it cool on his skin later and make him feel even worse than before. But he hated the idea of sitting around and doing nothing as much as he hated the cold, if not more.

It made him feel trapped like he had become one of those birds that the old men in the parks used to carry with them in cages as they sat around the stone chess tables and chatted about their life stories. Those birds had never looked happy to him and he could understand why now.

…stupid Young Master Huang.

[But he's not actually stupid,] Yan Zheyun thought bitterly as he rounded the corner. The emperor was too smart to be taken in just by a stunning face, that was why Yan Zheyun was in this position. Yan Zheyun couldn't even blame him for it, had to appreciate his intelligence.

Yan Zheyun had had his fair share of beautiful people throwing themselves at him. Whether they had been opportunistic classmates that wanted the trophy wife life or certain members of the secretarial pool who had gotten it into their head that he was lonely because he'd never been seen with a girlfriend, Yan Zheyun had seen a lot of them. Despite not liking women romantically, he knew how difficult it was to say no to loveliness.

But if he were in the emperor's position, he would ignore him too. The son of the prime minister whose execution he'd ordered? After falling from grace and being forced into slavery, it was impossible to believe that anyone in such a position would climb the bed of the man who ruined his family without ulterior motives.

Yan Zheyun was innocent though. Whether the prime minister had been wronged or not, he didn't blame the emperor for it. The emperor might seem like he had a lot of power and authority but with that came a whole host of difficult decisions to make. Without knowing the truth, Yan Zheyun wasn't about to go around trying to assassinate him for some sort of presumed 'good of the nation'.

Not to mention the severe consequences of trying that.

[Sorry, Yan Yun, Big Brother is also a coward and would like to stay alive for as long as he can.] It seemed unlikely by now but he hadn't fully given up hope that he would be able to go home one day.

He was so distracted by his attempts to suss out the emperor's motivations that it wasn't until the sun was fully in the sky and the frantic chirrups of songbirds rang from the skeletal trees in the small front garden that he realised Sun Momo hadn't shown up today. Usually, she would be here to torment him ages ago.

This was odd.

"Xiao De!" he called, not bothering to behave decorously since there was no one around to chastise him for it. "Xiao De, come here quick!" Now that he was back in the position of a master—even if just an insignificant one—some of his old bossy mannerisms had started to surface too.

The doors of his chambers burst open as Xiao De came bumbling out in a swaddle of blankets and cloth.

"Little Master!" he cried out as he squinted down at Yan Zheyun like he was trying to check for injuries. "What's the matter?! Is everything all right? Don't scare this servant like that, what would I do if you're gone—"

…this idiot was adding extra dramatic scenes to the screenplay.

"What are you talking about?" Yan Zheyun muttered, flicking Xiao De on the forehead and eliciting a yelp. "The old bat isn't here today."

Xiao De blinked. "Maybe she's late?" he said but a mounting hope brightened his eyes.

"Perhaps." Yan Zheyun considered the situation carefully. "Did you notice anything different today when you went to collect my breakfast?"

"…not exactly…the Imperial Buttery (1) was already busy making desserts, which is unusual for the hour? But apart from that, I can't think of anything."

Yan Zheyun nodded. That could mean any number of things but most likely, it meant that an important ceremony or feast was taking place early today, just after the emperor's usual court time. Over the last couple of weeks, Sun Momo had rubbed it into his face repeatedly that there was a new selection of beauties happening this winter. And that given how disobedient and unruly he was, it would be unlikely that the emperor would prefer him to the new arrivals that were soon to show up in Zheshan Palace and its female counterpart not too far down the path.

This was probably it then. Sun Momo had probably been told to hold back on her bullying to prevent others from finding out that Yan Zheyun had been subjected to barbaric treatment. But because still wasn't favoured, the shoddy treatment he received from the eunuchs wasn't going to change anytime soon unless the emperor suddenly remembered to be kind to him again.

Seriously, stupid Young Master Huang.

"Little Master."

Yan Zheyun made a lazy noise to show that he was listening. He'd already begun to drag a rattan lounge chair out from the corridor to the middle of the courtyard, right where the sun's rays were strongest. He was counting on the ozone layer, if it was a thing in this universe, to still be intact and possibly save him from skin cancer. But no, it was still cold, although less so than in the shadows of the rooms. He took his bundle of robes off Xiao De's hands and started throwing them on layer by layer.

Xiao De fiddled with his fingers before choosing to beg. Yan Zheyun frowned and grasped him by the arm before his knees hit the floor.

"What are you doing?" he said sternly. "Stop this nonsense at once, I told you that it's unnecessary."

"Little Master, you can't go on like this," Xiao De pleaded. This poor young boy had gone from an immature carefree attitude to a world-weary old man in just a couple of weeks being Yan Zheyun's manservant. Yan Zheyun had to feel slightly bad about that.

"You may continue this conversation but only if you do so standing."

Emboldened by Yan Zheyun's level tone, Xiao De did get back to his feet but he presented Yan Zheyun with a formal salute instead. "This servant humbly asks for permission," he said, hands trembling with the force of his sincerity, "to report the actions of the department to my godfather."

Yan Zheyun observed him. "Your godfather?" He recalled the older brother, Xiao Fu, mentioning this mysterious character before. Yan Lixin had never talked about the eunuchs when discussing the novel, possibly because Yan Yun's fate was so different from the one Yan Zheyun was facing now. Yan Yun had never made it into the palace, having been shuttled off to that general's son after Scumbag 2 became emperor.

Things were so complicated now that he could no longer rely on the original plot as a crutch. He couldn't underestimate any of the new people that cropped up either. He had long since reconciled himself with the fact that these so-called characters were more than just mindless NPCs waiting for him to manipulate them. Just because they weren't featured in the novel didn't mean they weren't integral players in this world.

"Okay," he said finally, earning himself a megawatt beam from Xiao De.

"Thank you, Little Master! My godfather will be sure to help, that venerable old man would be more than willing to if he knew how much I—er, no, no—we are suffering!"

[We shall see.] Outwardly, Yan Zheyun returned his smile but inwardly, he had his reservations. If Xiao De's godfather were as powerful as he seemed to be, then Yan Zheyun would be a complete fool to believe that he would bestow kindness upon them without expecting anything in return.

But so be it. There wasn't much else he could do to change his circumstances since he didn't have an opportunity to make a move yet. But he would bide his time until the emperor relaxed his guard. Meanwhile, if Xiao De's godfather was willing to help Yan Zheyun tolerate a little less bullshit than he was getting, so much the better.

As long as the price was right, Yan Zheyun was more than happy to negotiate.