Chapter Twelve

Whitney's pov

I treaded down the hallways into school letting my thoughts wonder wherever they wanted. I could barely control the tears threatening to spill down my cheeks anytime. I didn't spare anyone a glance as I continued brooding hoping no one would notice since everyone in school seemed to be in the same state but I looked far worse I was sure. Rica's locker was filled with balloons and farewell cards. I thought about Rica and kept singing to her from my heart hoping that she would hear me wherever she was. "I went by the places that we used to hang out getting wasted I thought about our last kiss the way it felt the way you tasted sometimes I sit and wonder if was it just a lie if what we had was real how could you have left me without even a single could goodbye. The that pictures you sent me are still living in my phone I'll admit I like to see them I'll admit I feel alone because I'm not fine at all," I thought. I was really enclosed in my thoughts when I bumped into someone. I looked up and found a beautiful pair of brown eyes looking down at me with annoyance. I stared at her short hair which was shaved to the side giving her a boyish look with a bad girl vibe. She wore a black jersey with a black shirt inside it pairing it with black jeans and black nike shoes. On her neck she had some sort of tattoo but I could not make it out clearly because of the distance between us. For a minute there I felt that Rica was there with me but she was not.She was gone but then reality stuck me when I heard her say, "Watch where you are going." She walked away from me as the void in my heart increased. I had never seen her before in this school but I was not in the mood for newbies even good looking ones. I walked into my first class as I sat through the rest of it bored ready to break down any moment. It was lunch time when I walked into the cafeteria and saw my group of chearleaders waving at me to come over but I waved back instead looking for JB the only person who could understand me. I saw her seated at the far end of the cafeteria and made my way to her. I gave her a small smile as I sat opposite from her. She had fries and chicken with a soda can that she had for lunch. Her lunch was always packed from home which reminded me of Rica who always had packed lunch. By the thought of Rica my eyes couldn't handle it anymore and tears started spilling. JB held my hands as she rubbed on them softly. "You always told me you don't love her that she was always obsessed with you but you didn't love her then why do you let yourself hurt over her death and you clearly never cared," she said quietly. The tears couldn't stop coming at all so I let them out without care JB let go of my hand and sat next to me as she hugged me and let me cry it all out. "JB doesn't mean because I didn't love her I didn't care about her," I mumbled slowly. "I know," JB said. I didn't notice when the whole cafeteria had emptied until JB decided to drive me home seeing that I would not survive the rest of the day. I got into her convertible as she drove out of the parking lot. The whole drive home was silent leaving me to my thoughts all alone. After I got home I assured JB I would be fine alone then she left. I went straight to my room and took off my clothes and remained in my underwear. I took my playlist and hit the play button as I closed my eyes and I heard the words.

I'm going under and this time I fear there is noone to save me

This all or nothing way of loving got me sleeping without you

Now I need somebody to know

somebody to heal

somebody to have

Just to know how it feels

it's easy to say but it's never the same

I guess I kinda liked the way you helped me escape

Now the day bleeds

Into nightfall

And you're not here

To get me through it all

I let my guard down

And then you pulled the rag

I was kinda getting used to being someone you loved

And I tend to close my eyes when it hurts sometimes

If I fall into your arms

I'll be safe in your song til I come back around.

I took the phone and threw it at the wall since the words played in my mind and my heart bled. I had fallen for Rica after all. I knew deep down it wasn't true it was just the guilt of not loving her and pushing her away. Convincing myself I loved her would reduce the ache inside me. I regretted everything that ever happened between Rica and I for always taking it to far always being the one to receive but never to give. I was the one who had started the relationship with Rica I kissed her first then made her think we could be a thing after that night. When we started dating I used to avoid going out with her so I wouldn't hurt May the one who I was really in love with. I should have just let Rica go when I could and just told her the truth about how I really felt about her. In my eyes she was always going to remain a best friend nothing more because I couldn't bring myself to have an ounce of love for her. If I did it was out of pity or selfishness and clearly it wasn't enough for me to fight for her or be honest with her.