ch 10

Chapter 10: Alone

In the land of Gods and Monsters

I was an angel

Living in the garden of evil

Screwed up, scared, doing anything that I needed

Shining like a fiery beacon

Slowly emerging from a groggy and dream-deprived slumber, little Clementine opened her dark eyes lazily and raised her head from the pillow. Curiously, she explored the fabric around her and the mildly comfortable object on which her head had been resting only moments ago. It struck her as odd, and the fact that she was all alone in the train-car was even more odd. Where was Lee? The first question she always mindlessly asked herself every time she woke up. Back at the motor-inn, she always knew the answer of him being in the bed across from her or on watch. Worriedly, she erected herself and the blanket fell around her waist.

Hearing the jostle in the dark, Chuck raised his own head from leaning back against the cold metal of the train-car. It was very dark but he was lucky to be sitting by the entrance of the car so moonlight flooded next to him. It was chilly and stars pricked faintly over the expanse of night's cloak.

"You awake, darlin?" he asked, them being the only ones in the car at the moment. Ben was sulking just outside the door, staring down at the tracks that flew by at the junction of the train and both Carley and Lee were busy. Kenny still sat weary-eyed in the cab.

Clementine liked Chuck but was more suspicious of him since she discovered Lee wasn't so sure. She fed off his instincts since they were far more attune then her own, but Clem couldn't ignore the small buzz in her that told her Chuck was someone she could trust.

"You can trust me, sweetie. I'd never hurt you."

Her eyes widened and she swallowed deeply as she recalled the gruff but friendly voice she had grown oddly attached to. Those had been the first words he had said to her when she found that her radio wasn't so broken after all. But that was her secret and her's alone, he had told her how important it was that no one found out...not even Lee. Clementine had done a perfect job of that so far and enjoyed speaking to him in secret when she was alone. At first she so badly wanted to tell Lee, but whenever he used her radio all he got was static. Clem didn't want anyone to think she was crazy and therefore vented everything to the voice on her radio with an open heart and a confused mind. There were some things that Clem just didn't know how to handle and when she got especially lonely on the days Lee would go out on runs, she would sneak away in their motel room and talk to him.

He said he had been trying channels when he came across hers, and that it was a stroke of luck. Clem hoped for meeting others survivors to join her group and keenly asked if he had anyone with him and where he was. She learned he was not far from her: all alone, stowed away in a run-down cabin outside Macon but was deeper into the Georgia forest than she thought. He seemed eager to meet her group at first, but when Clem explained them further and the recent supplies they had acquired, he was suddenly gone. Worried, she tried for the rest of the day to find him on other channels and was about to tell Lee when she found him again.

He had been more...serious then, like a dull shade had cast itself over his tone. No, he did not want to meet up with them, he was well-equipped in his cabin and asked many questions about the members of her group and how she had gotten there. Clem felt those questions were reasonable but was very hesitant on giving him answers, especially the many questions he had asked about Lee. But she was eight years old and this man took full-advantage of that. She hadn't spoken to him since the motor-inn and wondered idly if she could considering how far away she was.

Seeing faintly the snowy mop of Chuck illuminated by moonlight, Clem rubbed her tired eyes and stifled a yawn.

"Yes," she replied and got her bearings, "You can have your blanket and pillow back, I'm not tired anymore." that was a small lie but she didn't like using other peoples things. Especially not when they were so rare. She wasn't the only one who needed comfort after all.

Chuck wore his easy smirk, "Thanks alright, I'm fine the way I am right now. Mind holding onto them for me?"

She blushed and huddled against the car, curling her legs up beneath her, "Ok...where is everyone?"

"They're all outside enjoying the view, did you want me to go get that Lee fella for ya?"

She shook her head although he couldn't see, Clem didn't want to bother him for no reason.

"No thank-you, how far away is Savannah now?"

He found something amusing and chuckled slowly, "Little darlin', you didn't fall asleep for that long. I'd say we're about a half-day's ride from the city. Don't worry, that time will go by in no time."

It's still a really long time, she thought to herself protestingly.

"Ok." she answered him and wondered if she should ask him if he had any more candy. She didn't pick up on the way he observed her as best as he could in the dark, or the deep frown that lined his usually calm face. It was awhile before he actually said anything.

"I'm sorry about your friend, Duck, was it?" he said gently. Clem was so caught off-guard, she blinked a few times before her mind wrapped around the sad fact that Duck was no longer there with her. She hadn't forgotten, of course not, but she had formed a suppressing shield that blocked some of the pain and now Chuck had brought a fresh hell to her. Eyes downcast, Clem unknowingly shivered and pulled the blanket closer.

"Yeah..." she replied quietly, feeling stronger in the dark, "He was ten." What else could she add?

Chuck looked down also and licked his cracked lips, thinking carefully. He had seen too many young ones die, too much innocent life had been drained and now as he thought about that little boy and the girl in front of him now, he wondered how much more he would have to witness. It was painful, so painful to realize that this little girl would die. He hated it, but it was inevitable. She was a child, and no child knew how to armor themselves against the dangers in the new world. Chuck knew that Lee cared deeply for her, anyone could see that, but he wouldn't always be there for her. She needed to be prepared, taught and educated in how to survive: if he could have any part in that, Chuck could rest easy knowing she wouldn't be so utterly vulnerable. After all, how young she was couldn't be something taken into consideration. The dead didn't have prejudices. If blood pumped through your brain and your heart beat, you were fair game. He had to think of her like that; the same as everyone else.

"I'm sorry, darlin', I really am...but you need to realize that the same thing that happened to your friend is going to happen to you by the rate things have been going." he delivered soberly and without emotion.

For the second time, Clem didn't know what to say and felt terror rise within her. She curled up tighter and his tone made shocked tears form in her eyes.

"W-why would you say that?" she breathed, nothing would happen to her. Lee said he would protect her, she wouldn't end up like Duck.

He heavily shook his head, "I know it's terrible to think about, but it's the truth. I've seen a fair share of death by now, and your group is no different. That little boy is just an example."

Clem suddenly felt miserable, and she thought about the faded faces in her memory: Doug, Shawn, Larry, Mark...the idea of death was something they faced each day, but Clem knew Lee would protect her no matter what and she hadn't thought about the idea of her becoming one of those faded faces.

Defiantly, she scowled but her voice wavered, "I'm not going to get bit, Lee looks out for me."

Chuck smiled sadly, "There's going to be a time where he won't be able to protect you anymore, darlin'. You have to understand that he isn't going to always be there."

She felt like plugging her ears. Clem would not hear that, Lee would always be there because he was strong and smart and lucky. He was her protector and she was his, or she liked to think she would protect him just as well as he protected her. Life without Lee was so ridiculous but so heartbreakingly terrifying, she was silent for a long moment.

"No," she whispered faintly and then stronger, "No. He will, he will always be there. He...he has to be..." troubled, her brow furrowed.

"And if he's not?"

"Then...I'll save him, like he always saves me." she believed every word. Clem owed it to him, she owed Lee so much. She was confident that she would do her best to keep him safe too, everything they had went both ways.

"Darlin'," Chuck sat straighter, "I'm saying you need to learn how to survive on your own."

On her own. It was such a strange concept. Clem imagined herself in a field, the quiet was unsettling and the expanse of the grass swaying in the breeze made her feel as if she was the only person left in the world. But she couldn't comprehend that: there would always be Kenny, Ben, Carley, and Lee. There would always be someone, she was never truly alone...or would she be?

"H-How?" she found herself asking, surprisingly curious about the answer. Chuck gave another tragic expression and looked relieved.

"Protection is everything, you need to learn how to fight these...what to ya call 'em? Walkers, yeah, you need to know what to do if you get in a tight spot, how to hunt, and, well, there's a lot you need to learn but I don't think I should be the one to teach you." Chuck said slowly, thinking about how it was important these lessons came from someone she trusted: Lee.

Clem was conflicted and felt very depressed that Chuck was making her think about a time when she would have no one left.

"I'm only eight." she replied after another long moment: guns, axes, fighting and hunting, things she didn't want to think about were running through her restless mind.

Chuck stared at her faint figure, "Your friend was ten."

Clementine didn't want to talk to him any longer and she didn't disturb the silence that stretched on. Chuck said what he needed to say and although he felt he had scared her, he was glad he had planted the idea in her mind. She laid her head back down on the pillow and was awake when Ben came back inside and her eyes were still open when she heard Carley arrive with Kenny and say how they were taking shifts on the train. Clem heard soft snores and hushed curses at how uncomfortable the floor was (from Kenny) and when she finally did close her eyes, she dreamt of a grassy plain and being alone.

The train was stopped just before sunrise, it screeched loudly on the tracks and was surrounded by a thin forest. It was still mildly dark out, the sky a yellowing grey and clouds smudged their way across small stars. It was colder as Lee stepped out of the cab, he rubbed his hands together and cracked the kinks in his back from sitting down for seven hours in the spindly chair. His eyes were heavy and rimmed with exhaustion, his breath was visible as he yawned. Kenny had told him not to stop the train and keep going, but Savannah was still a ways ahead and he had the physical condition of the group to take care of. Their food supplies were dangerously low, not enough for all of them. The similar state of the motor-inn gave him chills as he walked the length of the platform and he wasn't entirely surprised to see Kenny emerge sleepily from the train-car.

"Why are we stopped?" he asked groggily, blinking his eyes to gain a clear focus.

"We need food." Lee replied simply, their energy was important to keeping their strength up and he had a feeling their strength was something they were going to desperately need. Kenny gave him a 'are you serious?' look that he almost laughed at.

"We have food." he countered irritably, hating the fact that it would be even longer before Savannah now.

"Not enough of it."

"You're being dramatic."

"I wish I was."

Kenny sighed but was too tired to protest right now.

"How long do you think it'll be before we find anything? We couldn't find shit back at the motor-inn, it took us a full day for a god damn rabbit. We need to get to the coast as fast as we can, Lee." Kenny picked sleep from his eye, he wasn't arguing in his usual angry tone- just pointing out the facts.

Lee shrugged his shoulders, "I don't know what to tell you, Ken, we need to get our strength up for Savannah. Hunger hasn't changed."

Kenny eyed him, "Neither has the plan."

Lee considered him but was interrupted by the loud grumbling coming from his stomach.

Chuckling, Lee lightly shook his head, "I think that speaks for itself. The sun is up in another hour, I thought that we could get an early start."

"You ain't getting Bambi this early, man." Kenny informed him dully as Lee walked past him into the car.

"I'll find something." Lee assured him amusingly. The aspect of hunting made him even more tired but it was something that needed to be done. Ben was the first to stir as both men entered the car, he inhaled sharply as he woke and the cold momentarily stung. He legs were cramped horribly as he rose.

"Something went wrong?" Ben questioned with a stone dropping in his stomach. Chuck's eyes opened and Clem clenched her blanket tighter around her as sleep was interrupted.

"No, everything's fine. I stopped the train so we can get a chance to go hunt, we're all hungry and it's important we eat before we reach the city." Lee answered calmly as Kenny searched their supplies in the corner. Ben nodded wearily.

"That's smart, more than likely we won't get a chance to do much in Savannah. If it's like any other city, that is.

Lee briefly recalled hearing on the radio about Savannah being a stage 9 catastrophe...what they were getting into was something he certainly dreaded and he swallowed away doubt before replying.

"We have to think the worst, be prepared." he nodded, eyeing Carley as she yawned.

"I-I can help hunt, well, I know what kind of berries that we can eat." Ben added, looking very disheveled as he smooth the wrinkles in his jacket.

"You never mentioned you could do that back at the motor-inn." Kenny accused, turning around with one can of beans and a few granola bars in his hands. He glared slightly at the young man, that talent was something they could have used earlier!

Flushed deeply, Ben rubbed the back of his neck, "Whoops." he mumbled.

"Well, anyways," Kenny returned to Lee, brandishing the food, "This is all we got, it might be enough."

"For two people maybe," Carley commented and added, "two small people."

Immediately Lee looked at Clem who was folding her blanket.

"Exactly why a hunting trip would be a good idea, we might find a stream too since we're running low on water." Lee was making sense to even Kenny now.

"Alright, we're in peril, got it." Kenny scrutinized the food, "We should make a fire for these beans and cook whatever we find, if we find anything at all."

Pleased, Lee agreed and liked the fact that Kenny was seeing the sense of his plan.

"Ben, you come with me and we'll scan the area- see if we attracted any unwanted attention." Kenny laid the food down and grabbed Lee's rifle that was laid against the wall. Mindlessly he held out his own handgun for the young man to take. Ben, looking like he didn't know quite what was happening, nodded dully and quickly took it (even though he still wasn't the best with guns)

"Yeah, sure." he replied, somewhat relieved. Kenny tipped Lee a nod before jumping down onto the hard ground, Ben followed close by.

When they were gone, Chuck let out a low whistle.

"You people seem to always have a plan." he said lowly, grabbing his guitar and swinging it out in front of him to strum an idle tune.

Lee thought of all the plans that went wrong and it seems he wasn't the only one, Carley smirked.

"Yeah, we always do." he replied, his brief glance at Carley had turned to a fond stare and she smiled broadly. Chuck observed smartly and smiled to himself.

"I'll collect firewood, there should be plenty laying around." Carley offered while Lee looked worriedly at Clem's dull expression. He could sense something was wrong with her and mentally noted he would have to question her about it when they were alone. Getting an idea, Lee cleared his throat.

"I think I'd like to take Clem for a walk, it'd be good to stretch our legs. Would you like that? We can get the firewood too." he asked her, and she visibly brightened.

"Yes, I would like that very much." she nodded and Carley gave him a look that inquired she would question him later. Taking her hand, Lee jumped down from the car and carefully lifted Clem down with him.

"Hold on, Rambo." Carley teased, taking out her own gun and handing it to him. "Incase you get into any trouble." she winked as he took it and they both warmed at their moment they had shared last night.

"I've got my good luck charm." Lee replied and Clem showed a small smile. Carley watched them go and Chuck coughed beside her.

"So, you and him huh?" he commented dully as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Her and Lee...it was a strange concept to be put into words.

She looked at him and felt confusion muddle her expression, "It's always been." and it was the only really sensible reply she could think of. Nothing had changed, not for her. The emotions she felt for Lee had always been there, now they had just bubbled to the surface. Doug was someone she thought she had liked: he was quirky, cute and that made him special to her, but now she thought vaguely of how her feelings for him paled in comparison to the relationship she had developed with Lee.

Lee was strong, and Carley felt her own strength growing along with him.

She sat quietly and listened to Chuck's strumming before decided she would hop down to shock her aching muscles back to life.

"You sure you got it?" Lee asked unsurely as he watched Clem struggle with placing another stick in her compilation she carried. She got her grip and with a little groan of determination, rose with the bundle in her arms.

"Yep, I'm tough." she replied, following Lee along the bush-line that led into the forest. They had traveled a few minutes into the forest where the loose wood around was best for the fire. Lee had larger sticks in his arms while she carried twigs in comparison.

"I bet," he smirked and looked around the quiet forest hesitantly, "We'll head back now, we've got plenty by now." it was ten minutes well spent, but Clem was reluctant to head back so early. With what Chuck had told her last night, she felt immensely awkward under his penetrating gaze now. There was something off about it, like he understood something she didn't. And secretly, Clementine urged to try her radio and see if she could find him. He hadn't told her his name, but insisted he call her 'friend.'

"'Cause that's what I am, Clem, your friend."

"Tonnes. My dad's birthday was in the summertime, we used to have a fire in the backyard every year and make s'mores." she boasted fondly, Lee smiled at her.

"That sounds really nice, Clem, I love bonfires, had them all the time when I was a boy." he replied, thinking sadly of how she wouldn't get to have s'mores anytime soon.

Her face brightened, "Why can't we have one when we get back?"

"Well, Clem, it's important we don't draw too much attention to ourselves. A big fire means smoke and a more pungent smell that can attract walkers." he explained and her face fell.

"Right, that makes sense." she said disappointingly.

"Someday, I promise we'll have one, sweet pea." Lee consoled, hoping that it was a promise he could keep. She doubted it but smiled all the same, she appreciated that Lee did that: make her feel like the future would have things like bonfires and s'mores and things they had before. And for the most part, she believed him.

"I'll make everyone s'mores." she added and he laughed which made her giggle. There was something so comical about Kenny with marshmallow in his mustache.

"I'm sure you will, Ben might eat them all though."

Clem laughed at that and couldn't bring herself to tell Lee about Chuck at the moment. Lee noticed that her gloominess must have been tiredness and he let it go also. Being with him like this always made her much happier anyways.

Soon they reached the train again to see everyone abuzz with activity. Carley and Ben emerged from the woods on the other side of the tracks with a large container that looked to be heavy, Chuck whistled behind them, carrying one of his small sandwich containers that was filled to the brim with dark berries. Both and Lee and Clementine looked at each other in surprise and quickly dumped their firewood reasonably before going over to help Carley and Ben.

"What's this?" Lee asked, relieving both Carley and Ben with one small breath. Ben wiped sweat from his brow and Carley caught her breath.

"Water, Kenny and I found a stream while we were searching the perimeter." Ben said shortly, Lee's eyebrows raised as he caught his reflection in the liquid.

"Hallelujah if you ask me." Carley added, "I can finally wash my hair."

"I got an old bar of soap around somewhere." Chuck said as he passed by, flicking some blueberries in his mouth as he did so. She looked at him for a moment.

"On second thought, it's cold and I wouldn't want to catch the flu."

"This water will do us some good, that's for sure. Any more buckets we can fill?" Lee asked curiously as Clem peered inside.

"Nope, she was my only one." Chuck nudged towards the bucket and offered Ben some berries, "Found a bush of berries, they don't taste so hot but they do the job."

"Are they even in season?" Carley inquired, unsure if those were actually safe to be consuming.

"Haven't poisoned me yet." Chuck shrugged, no one wanted any.

"Where's Kenny?" Lee looked into the woods as if expecting him.

"Something about rabbit tracks...I was going to go with him but he said I would only mess it up," Ben explained with a slight blush, "He's probably right."

Carley looked concerned, "No, Ben, he can concentrate better when he's hunting alone, that's all." but she knew that Kenny actually meant it. At least Ben looked slightly less bothered, but he knew just how much of a pain he really was- that was something he was thinking about an awful lot since the motor-inn...

"Still, you shouldn't have let him go off alone." Lee groaned, stalking over to the train-car to grab Kenny's rifle. Anything could happen or Kenny could do anything...the man had just lost his family and no matter the front he was putting up, Lee knew better than to trust what was on the surface.

Ben looked down, "Sorry."

"Kenny can handle himself, Lee," Carley said with her arms crossed and a small scowl on her face, "It's pointless for you to randomly start searching the woods for him."

"He could be surrounded by walkers, caught in a trap like that teacher, anything could have happened and we wouldn't know. That's the first thing you should realize, never go off alone." Lee wasn't angry, just miffed that Kenny would go alone and Ben would be passive enough to let him.

Cherry red, Ben said nothing as Lee walked by but Carley bit her lower lip.

"Lee-" she began, but was cut off by a gun-shot and a loud, triumphant yell that followed.

Soon after, Kenny came into few with a fox swinging madly in his hand and Lee's rifle in the other.

"That's the dinner bell, folks!" he exclaimed, clutching the animal by it's neck. Carley welcomed Clem into her as she turned away from the dead animal.

"Aw, come on, Clem, this is a good thing. It's food in your belly." Kenny urged, Lee nodded his approval at the catch.

"And here I was thinking you needed help." he said, Kenny shrugged.

"Guys, that dinner bell goes for more than us, you know. It'll attract any walker around." Carley said with a frown and instinctively they all scanned the forest.

"We better hurry then."Chuck added in his slow and deep voice.

"I'll skin the fucker, could use some help though." Kenny looked at Lee, right past Ben who was closest. Clem wrinkled her nose at the words and Carley lured her off promising they would make the fire.

They were all unsure about what they were doing but Ben kept a constant watch from atop the train and they ran into no problems as the meat was divided up onto sticks and the beans roasted. They had enough water to wash their faces, drink and bottle the rest up in Chuck's bottles that rattled in the train-car. It had been a successful start to their day, the sun had just dawned and the train started up with fresh hope that was assisted with the warmth in their stomachs.

Chuck took a view from up front this time and Clem was glad to be free of his strumming as her and Ben quietly enjoyed each other's company in the train-car. She allowed him to take a nap using her pillow and after a while she put the blanket over him.

Lee and Carley sat down in their familiar spot and for a long time talked idly of how good the meat tasted and if they would ever be so lucky to get some more. For a good half-hour they talked, and sat in silence while she rested against his shoulder: a position they had grown fond of. Last night had been golden and now she felt everything was in a brilliant hue. Finally, she said she would go check up on Ben and Clem and departed with a light kiss to Lee's cheek.

Afterwards, he smiled to himself and looked ahead at the tracks that expanded forwards, a pathway leading them to Savannah and a highway unknowingly to hell.

This is heaven

What I truly want

Is innocence lost?

Innocence lost?