I am all Alone

I have tried my hardest to keep my sense of self. Every day becomes just a little harder to hang on it. That does not mean that I have stopped fighting. I wholeheartedly believe that I can hang on, and not lose myself.

There are things about me that I feel that I have lost in my trials and tribulations. My innocence that I have carried through both of my lives is one of the first things that I believe that I lost. Being subjected to what I have been has shown me, to my face, that humans are capable of truly horrendous things. No movie, news article, or other such thing can bring somebody to face the truth of what humans are willing to do to each other.

Each day that I am here, I am subjected to torture. While not truly brutal, as what could be, I have no longer been able to remember a time when I was not in physical pain. The things that they have done to me, I truly wish I could erase from memory.

Secondly, I have trouble expressing my emotions, even to myself. My sense of self is still stable, but simply showing hate to my torturers, I am having trouble doing that anymore. I, in my brain, know that what they are doing to me is an abhorrent act, but it is just what they are doing. I do not think they are trying to break me for a personal reason. They just want me to be one of them.

I still refuse to adhere to what they want of me, but I can understand how other of the children here have bent to there wills. The never ending suffering exposed to, what those that they are saying that they are training, is something somebody with a weaker will than me will eventually give in to. I have felt the desire to stop fighting, myself. I have not given in yet, but if seems to become ever close.

There are other things that I know that I have given up, so that I could keep myself sane, but I, for the life of me, cannot remember what I have given up. My persistent will has let me keep my mind my own, but it has forced me to give up other parts of myself. I know that I have debased myself my separating unnecessary parts, but I have made myself forget what those parts are.

I, truthfully, can longer feel hatred towards the people that have done what they have to me. I can not agree with what they do. I do understand why the current group of people in this cult do what they do. They have become so influenced by the cult, that have also trained, that they are not able to do anything else. The indoctrination that they have made it so that they have become willing participants in bringing in more adherents.

Other than faithfully following other members of the flock, I do not comprehend what their purpose is. From what I have seen, there is no overarching plot in this group. There has been no preaching to some deity or great leader, promising a better or more just future. There has been no negativity aimed at any group.

If there was some target, that I could see, that they are grasping towards, I would have a path forward. All I see, are people that are lost to this group. Other than the destruction of the group of the group, I have nothing to aim my waning hatred. The people, themselves, do not deserve to be destroyed. They are just the people that have been molded, by similar people, to follow in the foot steps of those that have broken them.

I should be sympathetic towards these victims. I should want to help them. I should want to try and hurt them. I can not do that.

They have, as a group, tortured me both physically and mentally. It is what they have been trained to do. The have destroyed my ability to feel, to any real extent. They too have been subjected to these trials. They have wrecked my trust in humanity. But they also have lost any trust in humanity.

I wonder what my parents would think of me. Would they see someone that has suffered and survived? Or would they see a broken child, that is no longer worthy of their care? Would Katarina or my other sister, Sofija, recognize me as a brother?

The thoughts about my family disturb me more than any suffering I have received from the Unleashed. I wish I could want to be part of their family still. Yet, I think I would hurt them, by having them see what I have become. I am no longer the caring person that left them years ago.

While I am physically stronger than I was when I left them, but I am weaker. I have no pride in myself anymore. I believe that I have become closer to an animal that being a human. I just react to stimulus. I have lost my feelings and desires. I do not want my family to see me like this.

I am a shell of the person I used to be. I do what I am told to do, but no more than that. If I were left to my own devices, I can not conceive what I would do. Other than trying to survive, I see no path forward, where I could be a functioning member of society.

How did Muceni come to be a healer, after having been destroyed? Is this why she said that she was sorry when she left me to this place? How could she have the regret to even feel sorry? I am not able to comprehend my situation, let alone hers.

* * *

"You have been here for three years, Rehor. Three gruesome years of the initial training. There are very few people that have ever spent that long at that level of training.

I will allow you to speak for this conversation. It will not be a productive experience if you cannot express your thoughts.

Now, what do you feel about the training you have received so far?" (Otec)