I'VE GOT A BLANK SPACE, BABY,  (AND I'LL WRITE YOUR NAME)

At first, I thought I had really died. Especially when I opened my eyes and found myself in an empty white space. I guess, if this was death, it wasn't as all that bad. I mean, it wasn't heaven, it wasn't even my soft lemon scented sheets in a golden clam shell bed, but it wasn't particularly fiery or dark. There were worse places to be on earth than this white empty space.

I walked a few steps forwards just to test the space. It was like walking on a very, very, large sheet of paper. There was no one around me and nothing anywhere that would give me some perspective of how large the empty space stretched before me.

I just stood there after the first few steps. I wasn't sure what to make of this space… it was very unsettling because I felt like it meant something, but just as I could never read between the lines, I had no idea. What can I say, I was never very good at reading blank spaces.

The more I stood in the white space, the more disquiet I felt. I probably didn't die. I mean, if I were dead, I should probably be in heaven with all the other wolves who ran before me right? Maybe I could look Grandpa Alpha up. That would be nice. And if I had missed the mark, I was quite sure I wouldn't be the only one in hell.

Maybe I was in some kind of holding space or dream sequence - in which I had to say, the goddess was seriously getting lazy with details. I know, I've complained about the repeated running in the woods backdrop, but this was a new low for you goddess. And if this was the kind of dream, shouldn't something be happening? What was I supposed to do in a blank space? Was I even supposed to be doing something?

Maybe this was the kind of situation where the goddess would appear, give me some life-changing wisdom and send me back. In that case, she was late for the appointment! I decided to sit down to wait, and then I decided I might as well lie down and relax.

So here I was doing nothing in a space of nothing. Was I supposed to contemplate my existence here? But I was never very interested in long-winded theories on the meaning and definition of existence. This kind of philosophical reflection annoyed me.

Is it weird though, as I lay here and looked up, the space above me looked just as white and blank as the space below me?

You know what, if this were one of those transmigration stories that my human friends in school talked about, some kind of system screen would open up like it were a computer game and prompt me with quests or give me some special cheats and powers… which I had thought was the weirdest concept because the story always start with some kind of reincarnation but no matter how far back in time the main character spawned, he'd have a built in computer system. I think it's a sign that we have all been looking at the world through a computer screen way too much. Either that, or Ben had taken over the universe and upgraded the tech for all rebirths to come equipped with computerized touchscreens.

Lying in a blank space made me think up really weird things. But just in case, I tried calling up the system, "System!"

Nothing happened. Maybe my system was slow… like me. Sigh.

I should probably figure out a way to get back home. This space was making me delirious. I think it was at the point when I found myself wondering that if I were doing nothing, in a space of nothing, would that make me nothing?

I was lying around for so long, I was starting to annoy myself.

I got back to my feet and looked around for some kind of clue. Of course it was exactly as I had found it - nothing but blank space all around me. Which way was home? And when I said "home", where exactly was that? My golden clamshell bed? My mama? My Dad and my unshifted body at the Undo Point? Or Bell…

Bell's name surprised me. If we were talking about my soul mate, shouldn't it be Fluffy now? And even if Bell was my soul mate, why would his name even be listed as a possible "home" to go to? Why was I suddenly missing him so bad?

Sigh… I guess I could start walking, but in such a vast and blank space, how would I even know where I was going?

"The first thing to consider when deciding the way to go is the way you came from."

Not that I was a fan of the Great Teacher quotes now that I knew who he was, but I suddenly remembered this lesson from one of my trekking and navigation practices at Lycan Group Study.

I pulled out the whiteboard marker in my pocket. Would it really be okay to draw on this empty space?

I drew an 'X' and then wrote the words "START."

Then I started walking in a random direction. Every few steps, I'd stop and turn back to check that the 'X' was where it should be. When the 'X' got too small, I drew another one and wrote the number '2' next to it.

By '6X' I was beginning to feel like I had been walking forever. Would I be walking forever?

7X - At least I wasn't walking in circles. I hadn't met any of my previous 'X's yet. I looked back to make sure my last 'X' was still there where I left it.

8X - There was no end to this space. It went on, and on, and on...

9X - Maybe I should stop and rest for a while. Okay, maybe the next X.

10X - I could still walk. Who knew? Maybe I would reach the end soon.

11X - Nope, no end in sight. I'll just sit down for a while. I wondered how everyone else was doing? I wondered what they would do now that I was unconscious, and possibly dead. Okay, I think that was enough resting.

12X - Maybe this was purgatory... Just saying this might be it. I had imagined more people in the waiting room though. Okay, I had no idea. My theology was just as weak as my philosophy. Let's just keep walking.

13X - You know, this wouldn't be happening if my betas were here. If I had my betas, we'd actually be running with a plan, or at least a more complicated plan than this. If Wolfgang was here, he would be able to explain where we were. It would also be a lot more fun with more wolves around. Walking all alone in a blank space was really boring.

14X - What if I were really dead and just hadn't realized it yet? What if I never make it out of here again? I walked a little faster.

15X - I sat down again and tried not to feel too discouraged about not getting anywhere. I didn't even know how far I had walked or how long I had walked for. Maybe I should just wait for someone to come get me. I remembered being told to just stay put and wait if I should find myself lost at a mall. If I just sat here, would Mum or Dad really be able to find me? I didn't think so either, so it's back to walking.

16X - Walking was meaningless, waiting was meaningless. Everything was meaningless. What was I doing? Just meaningless walking... Should I just walk back to my first X? Would that undo anything? Did it even matter? Since the X's were all drawn by me, they didn't actually mean anything. I wasn't getting closer or further from anywhere. It was really all meaningless.

17X - I wished I ate more good food. I should've eaten double the amount of dessert everytime Ki cooked. If I had known I was going to end up here, I would eat an entire pint of ice cream, all by myself, without sharing, just for the sake of it. If I ever get back to my original timeline, or any timeline at all, I'd eat 1 pint of ice-cream, as many hot dogs as possible... Wait, what was I thinking about? Why was I thinking about food? I wasn't even hungry. Why wasn't I hungry? I wasn't tired either. Maybe I was really dead.

18X - That was pretty regrettable, dying like that. At least I had my first kiss... Although they didn't count and most of them were "accidental."

I started missing Bell again suddenly. I remembered feeling alone the night Harvey and I had to wait out the snow storm at the Langston. Bell had come to keep me company.

I wish I could just see Bell again. Just once more.

I touched where his heart stone should have been - it had disappeared the moment we stepped out into that second timeline. I don't think I treasured him enough.

I wish... I wondered if I could wish on a Tyger from here. I wish I could see Bell again. Just for a little while.

19X - Sat down again and wrote the word "Bell" under it and then I whispered, "I wish you were here."