Chapter 59. Downtime.

"Hey, why don't we ever use the memory palace to watch porn?" Bev asked the group one day.

The three of them were lounging in Everly's quarters in the memory palace, idly passing the time, shortly after Discordia had been captured. It was a peaceful afternoon spent watching television and eating popcorn when Bev sprung her question.

"What?" asked Everly. "What are you going on about now?"

"I'm talking about porn, stupid! Come on, think about it," Bev said. "Anything we envision around here becomes reality. I mean, this place provides the kind of full contact 3-D immersion that countless perverts across Earth have always dreamed of, and it's right here at our command. So, why don't we ever use it to watch porn?"

"Bev, we don't use the memory palace for porn because this place is our lair!" Nev said as she threw popcorn at the other girl. "I'm serious! This is the sacred seat of our power. If you want to tickle your fancy so badly, then go do it somewhere else. But it better not be on the furniture."

"That's so unfair!" Bev whined. "This place is so convenient! You prudes are willfully denying yourselves some great possibilities!"

"Bev, get a grip!" snapped Everly. "But not that kind of a grip! Have you ever heard of Doctor Doom spanking it in his castle in Latveria? Do you think Lex Luthor likes to give his 'little Lex' a polish in the Hall of Doom?"

"I bet they do," Bev said stubbornly. "Everyone knows villains like to plow."

"You are so dumb," Nev said with a roll of her eyes. "I really hope your stupidity isn't infectious."

"Whatever!" Bev said defensively. "I'm just saying, I think big-time supervillains get into all kinds of kinky situations away from the prying eyes of the public! They're supervillains, so they do whatever they feel like, whenever they feel like it. And if you can fuck on demand, why wouldn't you?"

"You know, she actually might have a point," Nev said thoughtfully. "As unlikely as it sounds, she's making some sense."

"Of course, my argument makes sense!" Bev said. "Everly, are you really going to tell me that Lex Luthor has never gotten laid in any of his secret bases? Impossible! He's like, bald and super fit. And I bet he does tantra, too. Lex Luthor totally looks tantric to me."

"Well, bald guys are known for being very sensual," Everly conceded. "I bet dudes with alopecia can get really slippery."

"Exactly!" Bev said. "Man, there's no doubt in my mind that baldies can fuck like volcanoes! They have to do a bunch of extra work to make up for their lack of hair, Lex Luthor especially! He's a known overachiever!"

"That is a famous characteristic of his," Nev nodded.

"Yep!" Bev continued. "The sex would be so wild too! He'd be armed with all those karma sutra techniques and all sorts of fiendish super-science. I bet he's already notched like all the main female villains and probably half of the heroines, too. Who wouldn't want to be with a guy like him?"

"Doesn't Lois Lane shoot him down all the time?" asked Everly.

"Yeah, well, Lois Lane is the biggest frickin' idiot in the world," Bev retorted. "Chica has no taste."

"God, Lois Lane is one of those domineering bitches who always has to be the smartest person in the room," Nev said nastily. "I hate people like her! I bet the only reason she dates Superman is because she can control him. That dude has no spine."

"Ha! Super simp is more like it!" snorted Everly. "I bet he thanks her whenever she spits on him."

"You think Superman's a sub?" Beverly asked her.

"I do, actually," Everly said confidently. "His sort of obvious weakness is catnip for an insecure loser like Lois. I bet he loved it when Doomsday beat him to death. He was probably like, yes! harder, daddy! Hit me Harder!"

"Heh, heh, Dooms-daddy. I love it," Nev grinned.

"I'd take that ride," Bev said. "Sploosh!"

"Really? But he's all boney and shit."

"Those spikes of his? They'll just give me something to hold onto," Bev smirked.

"Superman has that same problem that Goku does," Nev said contemptuously. "Dude can throw a planet into the sun, but he can't win an argument with his wife."

"Just how she likes it!" Bev said. "No wonder she avoids being with Lex."

"Yeah, Lex is a scientific genius, a successful businessman, and the deadliest criminal mastermind on the planet," Nev said. "But that isn't good enough for Lois? Please! What does she do for a living again? She works in print media. Jesus, there are YouTube channels that get more clicks in a day than people who still read newspapers. It's not just an archaic profession, it's dying."

"She does it because she's a hipster," said Everly with derision. "I bet she loves telling people she's a reporter for a real newspaper. Hey, I'm Lois Lane of the Daily Planet, can I ask you a few questions? Probably soaks her underwear whenever anyone asks what the hell the Daily Planet is. She's so lame."

"Too true," said Bev. "Hipsters get off on novelty."

"Didn't she win a Pulitzer?" asked Nev. "She must be a good writer if she did that."

"Who cares?" said Bev. "Do people even give a shit about Pulitzers? I only have the vaguest awareness of their existence and frankly, I'd rather win a kid's choice award. You'd get way more attention for your brand."

"Fucking seriously?" Everly laughed. "A kid's choice award?"

"Don't scoff at me!" said Bev. "Taylor Swift won a bunch of those and now she's the dominant lifeform on Earth."

"Facts!" echoed Nev.

"Logic!" continued Bev.

"Hey, do you think Superman cried when Lois clapped him for the first time," asked Nev with a gleeful smirk.

"Huh?" asked Everly and Bev, both.

"Think about it," Nev continued. "He's a midwestern farm boy from Kansas. They're super religious out there, aren't they? I bet he grew up attending church twice on Sundays and Wednesdays, too. There's no chance he didn't cry when Lois jumped his bones."

"Maybe he was crying because he knew he'd have to marry her, or else he was going to hell," Everly suggested.

"Wooo, you're so right, the church doesn't like premarital fun," Nev giggled."

"What if he hounded Lois for weeks afterwards to please marry him, so the devil wouldn't get him, because Pastor Tim said he committed a mortal sin?" laughed Bev. "I mean, he had a high school education in Kansas, I'm surprised he even knew which parts went where."

"No, he probably knew what he was doing," Everly said sagely. "He grew up on a farm. Farmers have to breed their own livestock, don't they? They raise their own cows and chickens. Horses too, sometimes. Superman's probably seen more dicks than an old urologist."

"Whoa," said Nev. "I just had this icky vision of Clark Kent touching a horse's penis and now I feel like my life is over."

"Hey, it's not icky," Everly smirked. "The farmers have to help the horses guide it in. There are thousands of hardworking, admirable people in the agricultural industry who just happen to have to occasionally help their stallions get it on with their fillies. Superman just canonically happens to be one of them."

"Oh, I really hope he wore gloves," Nev shuddered. "Gloves should be mandatory in that gig."

"Hey, how many chickens do you think Superman has killed in his lifetime?" Bev wondered. "Probably like thousands."

"Huh?"

"Well, don't farmers prepare their own food? It's kind of what they're known for. How many chickens do you think Superman killed growing up? Just wrung their necks at super-speed and then plucked their heads off like he was picking flowers."

"Wow, I bet it was a lot," Nev said. "Farmers are brutal."

"Jeez, can you even imagine? Superman being covered in chicken blood, just wandering around the yard casually, like it's not low-key horrifying? And to think that he's the guy who kids trust to rescue their cats from trees."

"Kids are stupid," Everly said dismissively.

"Kids ARE stupid," Nev agreed. "Let's never breed. Motherhood isn't for the likes of us."

"Nalec thinks of us as his mother," Everly said with a frown.

"We really fucked that guy up," Bev said.

"Hey, that's not really our fault," Nev said. "We were experimenting when we made him. All the other Inheritors we've created since then have been perfect."

"Honestly, just remembering his existence puts a frown on my face," said Everly. "I was hoping he would turn out to be one of those false memories that Discordia put in our head."

"Why don't we just cut the cord?" asked Nev. "Snip-snip, buh-bye Nalec. We'll bury him and his mommy issues in the same hole as that idiot we made him from."

"No. We've got to stick to our code," Everly grumbled.

"Everly, ethics are stupid and they're slowing us down! Just kill the cringy little wanker! God, I'll do it for you," Bev scowled.

"I'll help," Nev offered. "Or maybe, I'll just watch. I'll probably just watch. I like watching."

"And I like it when you watch me," Bev purred.

"No," Everly insisted. "Listen, I admit it, I'm tempted! He's an annoying creep. I want him dead as much as you do, I just don't want to randomly execute him. It feels wasteful. As a true dark lord, we need to find a way to make his death useful for our purpose. Nalec can't just die...he has to die in a way that benefits us."

The three of them sat on the sofa, stewing over their problem for a bit, when Beverly suddenly snapped her fingers.

"Guys, I think I have a solution to our problem!" she said brightly.

"We're not using the memory palace to watch porn," Everly said crossly.

"Aww, but I want to!" Bev whined.

"Yeah, yeah, get over it."

"Hey, Everly," Nev said suddenly, cutting off Beverly's tantrum. "I think I actually do have a solution for the Nalec issue. It'll be a little long-term, so we'll have to wait until after the party. But I promise you the payoff will be so good."

"Oh? Do, tell," Everly said eagerly. "Let's hear it!"

"I'm taking some inspiration from the good book for this one," Nev said with a malicious smile. "Tell me, have you ever heard the story of King David and Uriah?"

"Uriah?" Bev said blankly. "Sounds like a prostate issue to me."

"Beeeev," Nev said as she held a hand to her head in embarrassment.

"Don't say my name like that! It makes me feel judged!" Bev grumbled.

I really should have completed high school. Everly thought dourly.