Attempt to go back.

TW - Self-harm/Suicide

What would happen if I were to kill myself right now?

Wouldn't that help me extrapolate what kind of situation I am in?

First of all, let's rule out all possibilities before making a decision hastily.

"Mary, I need some time to dissolve this into my brain. Please leave"

"Alright my lady, get some rest"

If this is a dream, I'm pretty sure I'd wake up if I were to kill myself. The problem here is that everything feels so realistic to the point that I'm concerned about whether I'm certainly dreaming.

In a case where I've reincarnated, the possibilities start wavering as fiction results in endless possibilities. Maybe I'll end up reincarnating as someone else, go back or this time, actually end up killing myself.

If I've time travelled to the past, what would occur? Will I return back to the 21st century? From what I recall, the novel didn't seem to be based on the real world.   

But honestly speaking, if my end objective is to just fucking die, is there anything to lose? 

Alright, I should try killing myself. Now how shall I do that?

If I ask Mary to bring me a knife, would she not do it realizing that there's a possibility I'd kill myself again? Or would she do it anyways because of the instilled hatred towards Evelyn?

"Mary, I need you for a second"

"Yes, my lady"

"Bring me bread and butter with a sharp knife, I'm feeling quite hungry"

"Right away, hold on a moment"

Is she too dumb to understand even after my emphasis or did I confirm that she does indeed hate Evelyn?

"Your highness I've brought what you've asked for" She positions the tray on my bed and I gawk right at the knife, then back at her.

"Mary, what sentiments do you hold for me?"

She seems quite shocked at the question as it's quite apparent she's trying not to gasp.

"I'm sorry.. it's just that I would have never foreseen you to ask such a question, you never really cared about any of that."

Mary looks at the floor incapable of meeting Evelyn's eyes while fiddling with her fingers.

"We were always walking on eggshells figuring out my lady's mood before taking any action. I feel resentment but I also respect you, your highness"

She's right, Evelyn used to harm the maids if she were to be in a bad mood. She would most likely break all these fancy equipment that also look as if it's been replaced quite recently. Her selfishness makes her go ballistic when she doesn't get what she expects. She requires the maids to comprehend what she wants without even communicating and then blames everyone for not understanding her. If I've reincarnated, I did reincarnate as a problematic character.

Silence sets in and Mary immediately covers her mouth concluding that Evelyn is infuriated.

"I'm sorry! That was very impudent of me to say, how dare I-"

"Mary, you work for me so from now on when I ask you a question, you need to answer frankly. Your life is in danger once you try to hide it. You're safe when you show transparency."

"Y-Yes your highness.. I understand now"

I let out a chuckle.

"How can she expect me to be transparent when she used to throw things at me if I do? Isn't that what you're thinking right now?"

Mary's gaze starts wavering when she ponders on how to respond to that ominously accurate assumption.

"Mary if that's what you think, I understand and won't expect you to believe me"

I pick up the knife and gently rest the blade on my wrist.

"What would you do if I were to kill myself with this knife?"

Don't get me wrong, I'm not bothered about what she's gone through thanks to Evelyn. I was just doing this to check whether she'll drop the act and show her true feelings so I can get this done without her interruption.

"Please don't, please!"

"You expect me to believe that when you despise me? Were you not anticipating me to do this when you handed me this knife?"

"I foresaw it but that doesn't imply I wished for you to die, I just have to obey your orders without ordeal, I never said I despise you. I can't stop you from killing yourself, I can only plead with you not to..."

"For what? For what motive are you being this loyal?"

"..."

She's not responding to me but I'm honestly curious as to why she's this loyal towards a person like Evelyn. If your boss treats you like shit why would you be genuinely loyal to them? You only need to do the bare minimum to survive, right? Well, I guess it's different here considering I'm in a different era…

"Do you not get the gravity of this situation? Once you obey my orders, I will end up killing myself in your company which will place all blame on you for not adhering to your duties. The Duchy of Agrece will not hesitate to chop your head off."

"I know your highness, I'm aware of that already"

"What? Then why? Actually no fuck it, I don't care"

The knife penetrates my skin with excruciating pain following right after. I'm pretty sure I'm not dreaming, are dreams supposed to be this realistic in the pain meter?

"It's because your highness saved me!"

Mary's words forestall my suicide. Her eyes that were reddened start finally tearing up.

"What? Evelyn did that?"

"Yes, you did"

Right.. she doesn't know I'm not Evelyn.

"Please be patient and listen to me. If it weren't for you, I wouldn't be alive. I was taken hostage by our empire and was working as a slave. I evaded believing the outside world to be a better place. Although, it felt too late when a bunch of knights found me and concluded to end my life, as for slaves that escape are far more worthless than slaves themselves"

"Your highness was the only noble that ceased your carriage to take me in as one of your people. I swore my loyalty to the kind lady that took me in and the kind lady that provided me with everything I required. Your highness isn't someone I only resent, she's someone I respect... I wish you'd try to understand yourself a bit more"

"That's..."

I would have never expected Evelyn to do such a thing, she wasn't portrayed that way in the book nor in my sister's words that described her.

Although, I don't think saving someone immediately makes you an entirely good person.

If I've truly reincarnated, am I going to be the cause of Mary's death when I kill myself right now?

Back then nobody would fucking care and nothing would occur even if I were to kill myself but suddenly it's different?

No. I shouldn't feel bad for her when she's just a character in a book.

I instantly cut deep before any other thoughts of hesitation arise, and the familiarity strikes again.

But this time it's different, I feel pain. It hurts so much and that's making me feel stoked. I've finally done it, this time I'm actually killing myself.

"I'm sorry Mary"

I utter slowly losing consciousness.

"Your highness!"

"Lady Evelyn!"

_

"Blood! Blood!!"

The blood on her hands slowly recedes visibly making her hands clear. 

She dips her hands into the bloodstained body right in front of her.

"Yes, they are dead!"

She starts laughing out loud while making sure the blood smears all over her hands and her own body.

Water starts drizzling, the rain trickles down onto her bloody palms.

"No.. don't wash the blood away.. no"

The blood she smeared all over herself suddenly was all a hoax. There's no blood, her clothes are clean and tidy.

Her eyes widen forming a crease on her eyebrows, her fist tightening causing the fingernails to dig deep into her palm.

She opens her fist with a smile anticipating the blood to flow out of her new wound but.. there's nothing. Only a bruise, no blood to be spotted. It's almost as if all blood has ceased from her body. She looks at her reflection in the water puddle and to her confirmation, her complexion is pale, void of humanness.

Her smile disentangles within her thoughts, soon causing her to let out a menacing scream.

_

"Argh.. that was such an unpleasant dream"

I feel absolutely abominable, no that's an understatement to what I'm feeling. What's happening now? Can I not expect everything to end anymore?

I slowly opened my eyes, this time knowing my head would rip open if I did otherwise. To my surprise, I woke up to the exact surroundings I saw the last time I woke up.

"What happened?"

Did I fail again? Did one of the physicians here treat me? Goddamnit, was medicine supposed to be this exceptional back in the medieval era.

"My lady!"

Abruptly heard along with the sound of glass breaking, when Mary drops the tray she was holding.

My eyes move to the pieces of glass scattered on the floor, menacingly similar to how it was scattered last time.

"I am deeply sorry about this, I deserve-"

"Who am I?"

"My lady you are Evelyn Agrece, the one and-"

"What's my brother's name?"

"The late young lords' name was Eugene, Eugene Agrece"

You're kidding me..

"My lady, it's out of my authority to assume but have you by chance lost your memories because of the horrible occurrence?"

I'm stuck in a fucking time loop.