Chapter 6

I felt hopeless and lost. Nothing was in my control. I had fired the bullet, and now I could only wait for a reaction. It could be an equal and opposite reaction, wounding and bleeding me, or a fizzle that would lose its impact in the cacophony of the everyday routine. I could not help but keep staring at the fan on the ceiling in my room. I was drained and devoid of all my energy and emotions.

"You are worried."I wanted to snap but controlled the desire.

"Nope, doing fine."

"I am happy for you, sis. So, finally, Mumbai...it is. You are running."

"Huh?" I didn't reply because I did not want to unleash my worst sarcastic replies on her.

"I don't know, man, and why are you introspecting me? I am not running to Mumbai; this internship isn't about escaping a hell hole. This is about doing something worthwhile. Living a life, growing out, and flying."

She didn't fire back and listened to me calmly. It was soothing and had an embalming effect. Finally, I mustered courage and freely vented my pent-up frustration and anger.

"I want to experience things on my own. I have been living a sheltered life under the shadow of mom and dad, their rules, and their ideas. There is so much to live, and I want to achieve more. I feel small in comparison to the achievements of my peers. Look at Sia; she secured a scholarship for her Master's program at Berlin University. Akaash is moving to Delhi for his Master's, and Mayank has qualified to start training for Infosys and is moving to Mysore...Everyone is set and has a definite five-year concrete plan. Where do I stand among them? Just like another clueless loser."

"Sis," and she shook me up literally and figuratively. "You were the first to secure admission in the Master's program amongst all of them. And that too in the country's premier institute. So don't belittle your achievements." She looked at me endearingly.

"Common, I couldn't have gone to Pune ever. Fifteen lakhs for the premier institute in India was sheer stupidity." My heart was heavy even while talking about it. I had burnt the midnight lamp to prepare for the entrance exam, had given up six months of my pleasure to slog for an entrance, and realised that it could never be a part of my destiny.

"You were wise. A loan of fifteen lakhs on an exorbitant interest rate of 8% per annum would have taken you at least nine years to repay that, considering your first salary would be at twenty-five thousand per month."

"Hmmm... I feel like a loser. I chickened out on the last day of my loan approval."

"It isn't called chickening out. It's called a smart move. You know, sis, life is a game of chess. If you do not calculate the risk and plan your moves, chances of winning are improbable in the long run."

My sixteen-year-old sister, at that moment, seemed wiser to me. She was always positive about everything, while I was the pessimist. It was cathartic talking to her. We never did soul-searching together. We always blamed each other for our miseries. A slow smile crept on my face.

"What? Why are you smiling?" She inquired.

"I hate you."

"I know that. Tell me something new."

"When we were kids, do you remember each of us praying to God after a long fight that no one should ever get a sister like you?"

She burst out laughing and clutched her tummy to remember our old days."Yeah, you were such a bully. Always inciting me with your mean words."

"What about your nasty little hands that always itched to touch me in the wrong places."

"Why do you hate me?" She asked me poignantly. After considering my reply for eternity, I told her, "Because mother loves you more than me."

"Bullshit! Dad & mom both dote on you. You are their firstborn."

"Huh! Not true."

"You know why I hate you."

There was no reason why I should be replying to this. I let out a sigh and left it for silence to cover it up for me. She nonetheless continued."I hate you because you are the best. Whether studies, manners, or behaviour, you are always too good to be true. I am not even an inch closer to you. Mom constantly compares us and fills my thick head with examples of you. I can never fill in your shoes, and as a matter of fact, I don't even want to. I want my own space, and I want to be me. And not bogged down by a legacy initiated by you."

"Are you done? Let me tell you, you have always been ma's favourite, and this is something I could never digest. Perhaps because you are the prettier one among us, she has always ignored your follies and made me look hideous and despicable to the extent that she would always harp on your good and caring side. Yet, at the same time, I was a heart cast out in stone, emotionless and ruthless which was far from the truth."

We kept bickering as if there was no tomorrow and letting each other know how we truly felt about each other. Ahh, the follies of immature minds!

"It hurts when you are constantly told that you don't care, you run away from family problems and the shit that you have been hurling at me ever since you got a sharp tongue and dimwit's brain.

"In a mock surprise, she raised her eyebrows, "Oh, you know that I have my brain."

I interrupted, "that you never put to use until it is about anything vile."

She feigned deep hurt at my remark and lunged at me. We fell over laughing, and at that moment, my sister and I connected on a deeper level for the first time in my life. She continued blabbering, and I kept flitting my gaze to her and the door waiting for my mother to come and announce my fate. Then, in those anxious moments of knotted worry, I blacked out into a complete state of oblivion; I don't know when.