Chapter 5 : It’s On The House

Before there were two Courts when the Sidhe had first broken the Fae’s bonds of servitude from the Titans, there had been Gullinbursti—the Great Fortress at the Edge of the World. Wild magics lived there and drew strength from the primordial Chaos from which all manner of creature was born.

It was here that the first ruler of the Fae, Queen Danu of the Tuath Dé, had claimed dominion over, a promised land for her fellow Fae. From here, her influence grew, and thus the Faewild was created with Gullinbursti always at the center.

Time passed, crowns were exchanged, names were changed, and Gullinbursti took many forms. Finally, a little more than a century before my time, Queen Brigantia “Brigitte” Dagda of The Court Of Moonlit Shadows, came up with the clever idea to hide the entrance to the fortress under the chaotic thrum of a pub to prevent lesser Fae from constantly getting lost in Gullinbursti’s labyrinth innards and to keep the ancient living stronghold fed.

And so, The Stuck Pig Pub was born, and a custodian of Gullinbursti’s choosing was appointed every age, to tend to both bar and stronghold, endlessly until the beast picked another to tend to its needs.

Which gave us the current guardian, and resident ballbreaker, Maud Moldy-Eyes.

“No,” Maud said, wiping down the bar’s pristine countertop from any slopped foam or leftover beetle shells and rinds. “Whatever it is you want from my girls, the answer is no, Crimson Blade. Leave off, or better yet, have a drink! It’s on the house!”

“You don’t even know why I want to borrow, Lilinyss!” Maud snorted, trading in her towel for five empty tankards she was topping off with the ever-popular Dead Man’s lager. It was the subtle notes of mandrake mixed with widow’s tears that gave it the perfect bone-dry, bitter finish. “It could be important!”

Maud lanced me with a glare that could flay meat off the bone.

“Please, Crimson Blade, you insult my intelligence. So, let me ask you this: why does anyone ever want the blasted airhead?” Maud took great pleasure in watching me squirm, handing off her tankards to one of her serving girls to take to a table of orc folk. “If that question is too hard, then riddle me this: to whom does the little doxy-bane want to fuck?”

My mind, treacherously, flashed to cobblestone abs rolling beneath bronzed skin and warm green eyes.

“No one that’s here now,” I ground out. “I just need her advice on a very sensitive topic.”

“Right, you need a liderc to hold council with over a matter that deals with neither loin nor heart?” Her sarcasm wasn’t necessary, but to disrespect Maud meant to go hungry and thirsty for however long she sought fit. There was a joke here in the Night Court that King Tiberius might be our liege, but it was Maud whom we swore our real fealty and the little gobliness knew it. “I wasn’t born yesterday, girl! You insult me twice now! I have half a mind to toss you out!”

“It’s embarrassing to ask what I need her for...”

That much was true, I hated asking for help on a good day, and I didn’t exactly like the idea of having to cheat my way into the Quartering. But, I could see Gundrin’s unit flagging, the demands for more tankards slowing down. They’d be leaving soon and I couldn’t afford them to be sober enough for my plan not to work. Getting Lilinyss was crucial.

Just what would it take to get Maud to let me borrow her?

It turns out, I needn’t have worried at all, the gobliness bent over her bar, sour apple green head turned to see what I was looking at. Or better yet whom.

“Oh, Lady Lodrulla’s son.” She gave an approving hum, crooking her thin chin in her hand. “A little dimmer than I’d care for, but rich enough I’d let it pass. Well, you could do much worse than the dwarf for a bedwarmer, Crimson Blade. I will fetch the airhead for you.”

“Thank you, Maud.” Oh thank the Gods, I thought she’d never agree to—Maud flicked out a finger at me, yellow lamp-light eyes hard.

“Do not let this man knock you up, Crimson Blade,” she warned in that tone of grandmothers everywhere. “You can’t fuck away stupid and I’d rather not see such a bright star dim before her time hitched to that buffoon.”

I smiled, her words warming me. “That was almost a compliment.”

“Yeah, well, don’t let it go to your head, girl,” Maud grumbled, wrinkled cheeks turning sallow, her version of a blush. “I just am an admirer of stubbornness and grit! I am a goblin after all, and proud of it! SWEET GIRL—“ Maud shouted slipping behind a curtain that quartered off the kitchens and larder from the bar’s front. “CUSTOMER.”

“Coming!” Came the cheery reply, and already I felt a surge of adoration and I hadn’t even seen her pink head yet.

Like Prince Regulus, Lilinyss of the Melodious Kiss oozed an aura of seduction at all times. Unlike the bastard, Lilinyss didn’t use it to her advantage and was extremely apologetic about it the way all liderc were.

When Lilinyss stepped through the doorway, I could see why humans might confuse her with a succubus in the heat of the night. Like most liderc, Lilinyss abhorred clothes, though she’d been talked into wearing a nearly transparent shift that bordered on indecent for the sake of Maud’s sanity with the customers.

The shift did little to hide her buxom body as Lilinyss was curvy in ways that gave most women envy. A perfect hourglass with long shapely legs that ended in dainty hooves. Her skin was a light pink, dusted with darker magenta freckles over the tops of her shoulders, the swell of her hips, from her mammoth breasts to her plush ass, and the button of her nose. Her long hair shifted in the colors of a sunset, from a fiery dark red to bruised aubergine which faded to the melancholic blue that matched her glowing eyes, little spiraled horns, and the tuft of her leonine tail.

The liderc tucked curls behind her long pointed ears, only slightly smaller than my own or Maud’s, and shyly asked, “How may I help you?”

You would hardly think such a sweet woman would need to consume the souls of men every fortnight.

“She wants to fuck the little loudmouth over there,” Maud said, pointing at Gundrin. I slapped her hand down, hoping the ol’ Moldy-Eyes hadn’t blown my cover early. “Think you could help Crimson Blade out?”

“I can certainly try!” And she was so earnest that you couldn’t help but root for her, which was stupid because as far as I knew, Lilinyss hexes never failed. “Why don’t you tell me what sort of spell you want me to do? Make him think you're beautiful. Give you the courage to confess. Oh!” She smiled, ruby mouth curving up prettily and showing off her dimples. “Is it a love spell? I do so many love spells!”

“I want a draught to make him unconscious for at least a day,” I explained once Maud was out of earshot, her attention drawn by a couple of squires trying to sneak drink illegally. “Could you do that?”

“I don’t condone rape, Crimson Blade.” Lilinyss crossed her arms, and her disapproval bleed into her aura making me feel like I was the worst woman alive. I bit the inside of my cheek, stopping the stream of apologies I wanted to spew to get back into her good graces. Fuck, I hadn’t dealt with lidercs for this very reason! “I don’t know what you’ve heard in your dirty little barracks, but I do not do business in that nature. If you want black magic go find the Night Hags out in the marsh before cock crow. I’m sure they’ll be happy enough to help you for a price.”

“I’m not trying to insult you, Lilinyss.” Ugh, honesty, I was going to have to trust the woman with honesty if I needed her help. I crooked my index at her, and she bowed her head so that I could whisper in her ear. “Look, I just need Gundrin to not be an issue for a while. I plan to take his place in the Quartering to prove my mettle. You know how bad I’ve wanted this.”

“I’m surprised you didn’t place. I…I was looking for you on the boards earlier and I couldn’t find you.” I blinked, surprised by her confession, and the liderc blushed a charming rose. “I’ve always admired the way you carry yourself, Crimson Blade. Like a knight of old. It’s very…” She coughed in her hand, blush darkening. “Well…we may not be as vocal as your detractors, but you do have fans here in the Night Court, Raquel. Not everyone sees you as a…mistake...”

Oh.

“That’s—” I didn’t know how to deal with that, so I shoved aside the thought for later. “—thank you. So does that mean, you’ll…?”

Lilinyss nodded, indigo eyes bright with purpose. “It would be an honor, Crimson Blade. Let me get a few things together and we’ll take it from there!”

Excellent! Things were looking up!

…I should have known that’s when things were going to fall apart.

***

“You know, everyone says you’re an ugly little trollop, but I’ve always found you fuckable.” Gundrin whispered into my ear as he listed into my side, nearly taking the both of us down as we crossed the courtyard into the men’s hallway.

Either dwarves had livers forged by the Gods or Aesirian Mead wasn’t as strong as everyone liked to claim. Even one hexed by a liderc. Gundrin belched in my face, the smell making me gag as I staggered, half dragging the bastard. Gods, what the Void had died in his innards to produce a stench like that?

“Tits too small—they’re not dwarven tits, but bah! What is?—but I bet you that cunt of yours is still nice and tight! Perfect for my mighty sword to sheath!”

“There will be no sheathing of any swords, you ass! And stop that!” I slapped his hand away as he tried to get his greasy mitt into my shirt front. “There will be none of that!”

“Well then if you’re not going to fuck me like you promised you would—”

“—I never promised that! When the Void did I promise you that!?—”

“—then you’re goin’ to help me take a piss!” Gundrin drunkenly plucked at the ties on his crotch, face a picture of misery. “Some fuckin’ hag’s done made a mess of my ties and my balls feel like they’re about to burst! Please, Crimson? Don’t leave me this way!”

A hag had done no such thing, but I guess in his inebriated state the simple bow at his crotch might as well be made out of iron. I mean…it was technically my fault he was in this way…

“Fine,” I huffed guilty, propping him up against the castle wall as I kneeled. “But if you piss on me, I swear to the Gods, you will be a eunuch.”

“Bless you, Crimson Blade!” He patted my head sloppily like I was a good dog. “I’ll remember this boon forever!”

“Just hurry up and piss,” I seethed, pulling his fat prick out. I stood up, holding his stead, one hand on his pale shaft, and waited. And waited. And—“What’s the hold-up?”

“I can’t piss when it’s quiet,” he grunted. “Can you hum for me? Maybe sound like a stream?”

“What are you? Fucking two!?” The ridiculousness! I cannot believe he—but Gundrin would! “No, I am not humming a little song! Just fucking piss already!”

“You’re scaring it away!” He gestured at his cock, nearly taking me down with him. I had to balance him against my shoulder to keep us steady, which unfortunately brought my face closer to his cock. “Now it’ll never come down!”

“Of all the—”

“Well, this is new?” I froze. Oh no, let it not be so. I turned slowly, praying to every deity that might hear me that I was wrong and it wasn’t—But it was, I’d know that bastard’s voice anywhere. “So you aren’t sexless after all, Doxy Girl?”

“Your Highness,” I said, taking my hand off Gundrin’s cock so fast I’m surprised I hadn’t yanked it off. Which was bad because it made the stupid ginger moan, drunk and lacking social grace, loud enough that there was no way the Prince hadn’t heard it. “I—uh—”

“Out for a night stroll, are we?” Oh no, oh no it was getting worse! The King of the Light Court, Ruler of The Court of Eternal Sunshine, and Prince Regulus’ uncle King Ailell stood only a little behind the Prince in full view of us. His hands were clasped behind his back, smile patient if amused by what he assumed Gundrin and I had been do—Oh Gods! “Perhaps we should leave the love birds be, my dear nephew?”

The Prince was angry, his aura flashing with a profound hate that almost drove me to my knees, gasping for breath. He had never been this enraged before! I knew at that moment that some line had been crossed, some disrespect, and that he would kill me for my transgressions. But nestled between all that hate, all that anger was a fissure of sadness deep enough to drown in.

“Yes, Uncle, I think we shall,” Prince Regulus grit out between clenched teeth. He took a step back, a slight nod that spilled white hair over his shoulder. “Crimson Blade. Dorlunsson.”

And then he was gone, The Prince and his rage turning on his heel as his uncle followed in his wake, concerned. I sagged against the wall, legs jelly.

What the Void had that been?

What exactly had I done now?

Then I heard a thump.

Gundrin, so mind-boggling afraid of the Prince and deep in his cups, had finally passed out.

In a puddle of his piss.