Hikigaya Hachiman, the Master of Deception

T/N: This chapter is too much, you will laugh uncontrollably, you have been warned. Hahaha!

***

In an effort to get Kushida Kikyo off his back once and for all, Hikigaya Hachiman fabricated an outrageous story, hoping it would completely crush her expectations.

And unsurprisingly, it was so absurd that Kushida couldn't believe a single word of it.

"This—this is impossible!"

"Why is it impossible?" Hachiman asked, now having committed to his lie with no way of retreating. He began spinning an elaborate web of deceit. "Haven't you ever wondered why Horikita doesn't engage with any of the other students? Why I'm the only one in class she talks to?"

"Isn't that just because she dislikes socializing with people?"

"Hmph, do you really think anyone would entirely give up on interacting with others?"

"Well... you did."

"Ugh..."

Hachiman winced, realizing he'd just walked into a trap of his own making. His usual solitary nature had backfired. "That's different! I can't make friends even if I try! Of course, I'd like to if I could. Horikita, on the other hand, is a totally different case. She's brilliant. If she wanted, she could have dozens of friends without even trying."

"Then why doesn't she? Why does someone as exceptional as Horikita Suzune have no friends at all in class? Isn't it strange? She's only spoken to me and Ayanokoji since the beginning of the term. She hasn't even talked to any other girls. Don't you think that's odd?"

"I... well..."

Kushida's eyes widened as she felt her mind getting overwhelmed. Everything Hachiman said made too much sense.

She began to believe him, even if it went against all logic.

Meanwhile, Hachiman maintained a calm facade, but inside, his nerves were shot. He couldn't even begin to imagine what Horikita would do if she ever found out about the lie he was spinning about her. He began to wonder if it might be a good idea to start learning self-defense.

But his thoughts quickly shifted back to his ongoing deception, where he was becoming more and more like the trickster sage of legend, spinning tales as he went.

"Here's the truth, Kushida. Horikita Suzune is, at her core, a closeted lesbian. She's only avoided interacting with the girls because she's scared her true nature might be exposed. She doesn't even talk to other guys except for me and Ayanokoji because we're not a threat to her secret."

"Wait, are you saying—"

"If you get too close to her, who knows what could happen? If Horikita fully accepts her true self, she might... well... she might force herself on you. After all, the law only protects people from unwanted advances between men and women. There's no real protection against what might happen between women."

"Please, for your own sake, protect your purity."

The more Hachiman talked, the more he started to believe his own lie. He had fully convinced himself that Horikita was, in fact, a lesbian.

This was the absolute truth.

Hachiman hoped that Kushida would come to the same realization and give up on trying to win Horikita over, which would ultimately free him from her constant pestering.

"I understand now. Thank you, Hachiman, for telling me everything."

"It's no big deal."

Seeing that Kushida was buying his story, Hachiman breathed a sigh of relief. He assumed that she would finally leave him alone.

But to his shock, instead of being discouraged, Kushida puffed out her chest with determination and declared, "If that's why Horikita refuses to socialize, then I know exactly how to help her break free from her isolation! Even if I have to sacrifice my own body... I'll save her!"

Wait a minute, am I about to cause this school's first Yuri couple to form?

Yuri-loving nerds, rejoice!

As Hachiman's mind raced with wild, vivid thoughts of what might happen next, he also felt a growing sense of dread. Something chaotic and uncontrollable was about to happen, and it was all his fault.

Quickly, he tried to fix the situation.

"Kushida, this is Horikita's biggest secret! You absolutely cannot tell anyone, especially not Horikita herself!"

"Don't worry, I won't breathe a word to anyone! Especially not to Horikita!"

Kushida gave him a confident smile, clearly proud of herself for being so considerate.

Although Hachiman didn't entirely trust her, he had no choice but to hope she'd keep her word. Otherwise, he'd have to prepare for the worst. Maybe he should go to the convenience store and buy a stack of apology cards... or a shield, just in case.

If this got out, he'd need to beg for mercy and pray that Horikita would at least leave him in one piece.

"Well, Hachiman, I'll be going now. You've shared such important information with me. I'll find a way to repay you in the future!"

Kushida flashed him a flirtatious wink before turning around and leaving with a cheerful bounce in her step.

"Sigh..."

Meanwhile, Hachiman could feel the murderous glares from the boys in class. They had all seen that little exchange and were already plotting his demise. Deciding it was best not to linger, he made a quick exit.

Once he was outside, Hachiman quickly pushed the entire incident to the back of his mind. He wasn't particularly worried that Kushida would go blabbing about such a private matter, and besides, he didn't think Horikita would care too much about the rumors.

Worst-case scenario, he'd just apologize and grovel for forgiveness.

Feeling relatively relaxed about it all, Hachiman headed to the student council office. The room was quite spacious, more luxurious than even the teachers' offices.

Because the student council had recently changed its leadership, the office was short-staffed. When Hachiman walked in, nobody even bothered to acknowledge him—everyone was busy with their work.

"Hachiman, you're here." The familiar voice of Tachibana Akane, a senior who seemed to be in charge, greeted him as soon as she saw him enter. She waved him over.

Hachiman followed her into the deeper part of the student council office.

This room wasn't much different from the outer office, though there was a larger desk and a few specially arranged chairs. Sitting at the main desk was none other than the student council president, Horikita Gaku. He was staring ahead with an intense expression.

Without saying a word, Horikita handed Hachiman a stack of papers. "Get these done."

"Sure."

Hachiman nodded. He had mentally prepared himself to be a workhorse for the student council, so he calmly settled into the role.

While Hachiman worked on the documents, Horikita and Tachibana started chatting about the two current vice presidents, but the conversation was too cryptic for Hachiman to follow.

He simply focused on finishing the paperwork.

"Am I done once I finish these?" Hachiman asked.

"Yes. This is a test we give every new member. It's important to understand the broad range of administrative duties, and this is the best way to measure your capability."

Tachibana smiled as she spoke.

But to her surprise, Hachiman suddenly stopped working.

"You're not allowed to quit halfway through, you know."

Tachibana, thinking Hachiman was about to give up, tried to encourage him with patience.

But Hachiman just shrugged. "I've already finished everything."

"..."

Both Tachibana and Horikita stared at him, their expressions filled with disbelief.

It had only been ten minutes since Tachibana had started talking to him.

Had Hachiman finished all the paperwork that quickly?

Could it be true?