16. Chapter 16

Erin slowly slipped into the unfamiliar passenger seat of the 500, much to the amusement of Jay. He chuckled lightly and grabbed the keys that she dangled toward him. As Jay started the engine and the heater kicked on, Erin sighed in relief. She laid her head back against the headrest and allowed her eyes to drift shut. They'd been in a cold warehouse for the better part of the day, following up on a case. It had rained all weekend, and the dampness and still hung in the cold air.

Jay surveyed her. "It's only Monday and you look beat. Daniel still teething? Keeping you up all night?"

Erin fought a yawn. "I don't know. I don't think it's teething. His tooth broke through a few days ago. He's just been really fussy. Not sleeping well." She rolled her head toward Jay. "He didn't want to eat breakfast at all this morning. I tried oatmeal, fruit, and cereal, but he just wasn't interested."

Jay gave her a quick grin, "Better hit up those message boards and find out what all the other supermoms do."

Erin gave him an awkward smile before turning her head to look out the window as they made their way back to the precinct. As they drove, she could see Christmas decorations popping up all over the city. Thanksgiving was still three days away, but most retailers had started their promotions weeks ago. Seeing the festive decorations just made her remember how long Olive had been gone. It was almost a month now, and Erin was starting to get really worried. They had reached dead ends on all their leads, and a part of Erin wondered if she would ever be found. How could she have stayed away from her son for so long?

Jay's comment about being supermom was meant to just tease, but Erin was bothered by it. Daniel had called her "mama" this weekend. Erin had admittedly freaked and corrected him to "Auntie," which he couldn't quite say. They had settled on "Tee tee." Erin had been surprised on the myriad of feelings she had felt when that adorable baby boy had looked up at her and called her "Mama." Her heart had swelled with love and tears had pricked behind her eyes. She wasn't his mother. Honestly, she didn't want to be. Daniel had a mother, and despite her current absence, Erin knew that Olive loved her little boy. Part of the reason for her emotions was that she knew the boy was missing his mom. It frustrated her that Olive was still gone. But, she had to admit the idea of Daniel looking at her as his mom touched her. All those maternal instincts she'd always had kicked into overdrive. She loved her nephew, she liked taking care of him, and her love for him was unconditional.

Despite all that, surrogate motherhood had really taken its toll on her. She was constantly tired, and sleep seemed like something she once took for granted now that the freedom of having it was gone. She had a new admiration for the single mothers of the world. She had never realized how all-consuming motherhood, even temporary motherhood, could be. Toddlers needed constant stimulation and opportunities for exploration. Curiosity drove them, and they never stayed still for long. From the moment Erin got home, she felt she was chasing Daniel. His walking had greatly improved, and he now barreled around her apartment like a linebacker. She contemplated how much easier it must be for mothers who had a partner in child rearing. Even if it was just for someone to watch him for a half hour for her to take a bubble bath, prepare dinner, … or to just take a nap.

Erin was optimistic that Voight would be ready to take over soon or even just help out here and there. His hearing was scheduled the Monday after Thanksgiving. He was still dodging her calls, but he had texted her that things were looking good, and he was confident he'd be exonerated next week at the hearing.

"What did you and Daniel do this weekend?" Jay's question interrupted her train of thought.

"Not too much. It was too wet for the park, so we just went to the Indoor Market at the Nature Museum."

Jay laughed, "Oh, you dragged the poor kid there. Unlucky guy!"

Erin gave Jay a little punch in the shoulder, "Hey! The farmer's market is awesome."

Jay shook his finger at her, "Yes. Yes, it is. For a normal person. You spend like four hours there, Erin. A guy can only handle so much organic produce and healthiness." Erin knew he was just teasing. They had gone to the farmer's market at least once a month when they were dating. He might tease her, but she knew he had never minded too much. They putt around for hours examining and comparing products. It hadn't mattered what they were doing, they were always just happy to have the time together.

"For your information, I was picking up stuff for Thanksgiving dinner, so you'd better be thankful for my dedication to picking the most exquisite ingredients." Erin replied. She had wavered back and forth about whether or not she wanted to cook Thanksgiving dinner. She really wanted to make the day special for Daniel, even if he was way too young to appreciate it. When she had overheard Ruzek and Olinksy both lamenting that they didn't have any plans for Thanksgiving, she had impulsively invited them to her place. Jay jumped in, and invited Will as well. Burgess was also going to come by, and maybe even Sylvie. The paramedic had inquired if Antonio was going to be there. Once Dawson had said he might cruise by, she had been on board. Antonio had the kids and they were trying to do a family thing with Gabby, but he thought that he'd be on his own by evening, when he had to drop them by their mom's. Erin wasn't sure if Hank would be stopping by. Erin had let him know of her plans this morning, but he hadn't yet responded. She wondered if he'd be okay with Daniel being around the squad. Erin had a story planned. Olive's aunt was sick and she flew out to be with her. Neither wanted Daniel to possibly be exposed, and Olive couldn't exactly have Daniel hanging around the hospital all week. Erin figured that nobody would question the story for now.

Jay grinned at her, but the smile faltered a bit. "Are you sure you can handle this? It seems like a lot of work, especially with Daniel."

Erin narrowed his eyes at him, "Are you saying I can't handle what millions of women around the country handle each holiday?"

He held one hand up off the wheel in surrender, "Okay, okay. You just aren't exactly known for your cooking." He cautiously replied.

"I can cook." Erin pouted a bit. She could cook. Camille had made sure she learned the basics when she had moved into the Voight home. Erin was expected to help out with dinner every night. Camille had told her that being able to take care of yourself and your home were important life skills. She repeated more confidently, "I can cook. With our schedules, there isn't just a lot of time for that." She threw Jay a sideways look. "Uhh, don't you remember my Chicken Pesto? You said it was the best thing you'd ever eaten."

Jay gave her a knowing smile, "Yeah, but I was sleeping with you at the time…"

Erin's mouth dropped open in shock. She couldn't believe he went there! She punched his arm again, hard.

"Hey! I'm driving here!" Jay chuckled, and Erin shook her head at him.

She threw him one last unimpressed look, before closing her eyes to maybe get some shut eye on their way back to the precinct, thankful that Jay didn't mind driving for once. She doubted she'd really fall asleep, but it was nice to just rest for a moment. Erin raised her eyelids a fraction so she could observe her partner for moment undetected. His eyes were focused on the road as he maneuvered through traffic. His fingers were tapping lightly on the steering wheel to the beat of some song in his head, and his head nodded along. It was the most relaxed Erin had seen him in months. Erin had to admit it was nice. His change of demeanor had started the morning after he had first learned about Daniel.

It was weird. Not weird, like awkward, but weird that they weren't bickering or glaring at each other every few minutes. All the tension that had been between them seemed to have shifted. Instead of narrowed eyed glances and eye rolls, they had been sharing what could only be described as knowing looks and meaningful glances. It was like now that Jay knew exactly what she was going through, his anger with her had all but disappeared.

It was a little twisted, but it almost made her mad that he just suddenly seemed not upset at her. It wasn't that she wanted him to be angry with her, but why should Daniel's appearance in her life change how Jay felt about her. She was still the same woman she was last week. But the look in Jay's eyes told her that he felt differently. Erin had a sneaking suspicion that it was all due to an unpleasant conversation she could still vividly recall.

"So…you don't want a family anymore? You always talked about having kids one day. Don't you think our kid's parents should be married?"

The way Jay had been looking at her since he had found out, made her think that he was wondering if maybe there was still hope for them. She could just see a softening in his eyes. Those killer blue eyes were always so expressive. Whether they were filled with ice, anger, desire, or love, you could see into Jay's heart just by staring into his eyes. Right now, those eyes were unnerving Erin. Not to mention the flirting. What was up with the comment about sleeping with her? Whatever he was thinking, Erin wanted him to just un-think it. She had too much to deal with, and she just wanted to table whatever Jay was contemplating.

It didn't take a detective to come to the conclusion that Jay was thinking she had changed her stance on kids. Truthfully, Erin didn't even know if maybe she had changed her mind. She loved taking care of Daniel. It was hard work, but rewarding. Even doing it alone gave her sense of pride. Erin imagined if you had someone there with you, it might even be fun. Erin quickly pushed aside the image of her and Jay juggling a few babies. It wasn't a thought she wanted to get into. Right now, she was focused still on managing Daniel and work. Everything else was just…not a priority.

…..

"Erin, wake up." She felt Jay gently shaking her awake.

Erin blinked a few times. She couldn't believe that they were already at the station. She must have actually dozed off briefly for a minute. Erin shook the sleep from her head. She couldn't believe that she had fallen asleep again on the job. She had to get Daniel's sleeping schedule under control. Erin followed Jay into the precinct and climbed the stairs, following Jay at a much slower pace. When he reached the top of the stairs, he stopped and turned to look at her questioningly. Erin was confused, but followed his gaze. They could see Voight in the office with Antonio. It was the very first time he had been in the office since his suspension.

"What's going on?" Jay murmured to Erin.

"No idea." She replied. She made her way to her desk, eyes firmly on the window of the door. She noted when Hank glanced up and saw her. He locked eyes for a second, but didn't give anything away, as he continued his discussion with Antonio. Sitting down in her chair, she looked over at Jay who was also eyeing the scene with obvious curiosity. He raised his eyebrows at her, but she just shrugged. The hearing was still a week away. Why was he here today?

Suddenly the door to the office opened, and Voight and Dawson emerged. Erin tried to read their body language as all eyes in the room centered on them. Voight stepped forward.

"Well, I know you all have enjoyed having Antonio as your boss, but it looks like we are going to have to wait on that for a few more years for that to be permanent." A smile actually cracked on Voight's normally stoic face. "As expected, the charges against me were fabricated and dropped this morning." He swung his gaze around the room, "As of now, I am back." He turned toward Antonio and held out his hand for a handshake. "Thank you for keeping these monkeys under control."

"My pleasure," Antonio responded. He released Hank's grip and made his way over to his old desk.

One by one the team members shook hands with Voight. Erin hung back, waiting until everyone else had returned to their desks, before heading pointedly toward his office. Voight shook his head, but followed her into the office, shutting the door behind him. Erin took a moment to shut the blinds on the office door, before turning to give him a huge hug. She wrapped her arms around him and held tight. She felt him pause for just a second before wrapping his arms tightly around her.

"I told you not to worry, kid." His voice was gruff next to her ear.

Erin pulled back and looked up at him, her eyes watery, "I know, but it was weeks. I am just so happy that you are back. I didn't know what I would do if I lost you, too."

He squeezed her shoulder. "You were never going to lose me." He released her and moved around his desk to take a seat in his chair.

Erin shakily lowered herself to a seat. "So what happened?" Erin hoped now that everything was over and done with, maybe he would actually give her a straight answer.

Voight shook his head, "Nothing. They never had anything, and so they had to drop the charges." Erin's lips tightened. She knew he wasn't being truthful. Ever since Justin's death, she had noticed Hank had kept her at arm's length when it came to revealing certain things to her. She was determined that they were going to have it out soon. Maybe this wasn't the moment, but Erin wanted more honesty from Hank if she was going to keep working for him. Unwavering loyalty and trust needed to be a two-way street. She might have followed him blindly in the past, but her priorities had shifted and she did see things differently now.

Erin decided to let the topic drop, for now. "Well, I am really glad you are back."

Voight leaned back in his chair and studied her with a slight grin on his face, "So… what's this about you cooking the squad Thanksgiving dinner?"

Erin smiled. "Correct. You are welcome to come of course."

Voight nodded, "Maybe…. maybe. Not sure how the underlings might feel about their boss crashing their holiday."

Erin shrugged. "Come on! Olinsky is going to be there, with Michelle, I think. You know he'd rather hang out with you than us. Daniel really needs his grandpa. " She really hoped he would come. She wanted Daniel to have this holiday with his family. That meant Hank.

Voight studied her for a moment, before nodding. "Yeah, I'll be there. Need anything?"

Erin thought for a moment, "Um…Burgess has the yams, Olinsky is picking up pies. Jay has some sort of stuffing that he is making. Ruzek is only allowed to bring wine since I question his cooking ability. Maybe you can just bring some cranberry?"

Voight smiled, "That's all? I can actually cook, you know."

Erin smirked, "Yes, I know that, but you don't need to." She pushed up from the chair and started to head out.

Suddenly, Voight called out, "What about Daniel?"

Erin waved him off, "I already told everyone that Olive was visiting her sick aunt and didn't want to expose him to germs."

He shook his head, "No, I mean, what about Daniel's living situation. You want him to move back in with me?"

Erin faltered, her hand hovering over the door. She felt rooted to the ground and a wave of panic suddenly flooded her. "No, I…uh, maybe we shouldn't move him again. He just got settled in." Her voice sounded unnatural to her own ears. She didn't want Daniel to be with Hank. She wanted him with her, but she didn't know how to say that to Hank. He was his grandson after all. Erin knew she was being selfish.

Hank's steely eyes met hers, "Well, I just kind of forced it on you. I can take over and let you get back to living your life."

"He's my family," Erin stated sincerely. "I enjoy taking care of him. Really, I don't mind at all."

Hank stood from his chair and walked up to Erin. He placed his hands on her shoulders and looked down at her, "Justin would be so proud of you, Erin. Steppin' up and being the family his boy needs." Erin could see the honest emotion that filled his eyes. "I'm okay with him staying with you, but you let me take him a few nights here and there. You still need to have a life." He brushed her cheek with his knuckle. "You've got circles under these eyes, and you look exhausted. Let me take him tonight."

Erin nodded and smiled, once again she wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tightly. "Okay."

Jay eyed her curiously as she exited Voight's office. She just gave him a quick nod before returning to her desk. As she sat, she felt a wave of confusion about the thought of going home to an empty apartment. It'd be nice to get some sleep and relax, but she also felt a little off. Like she was shirking her duty by not taking care of Daniel tonight. She knew Hank would take good care of him, but Erin couldn't help but think that it was her responsibility. That Voight wouldn't know the little routines they had established.

Restless, she moved into the breakroom to refill her coffee. Apparently, it was the opportunity that Jay had been waiting for because he immediately followed her.

"So what's going on?" He quietly asked.

Erin cocked an eyebrow at him, "With what?"

Jay gave her an aggravated look, "With Hank? Daniel?"

"Oh," Erin replied, "Um…He's taking Daniel tonight, but Daniel is still going to stay with me. Just kind of getting the night off." She gave a small smile. "I think he's been missing him big time. Probably going to be a big guys night at the Voight household. Full of mac and cheese and hot wheels."

Jay grinned, "My kind of night."

Erin laughed. That probably would be right up Jay's alley.

"So…that means you are free tonight?" Jay carefully asked.

Erin nodded. She could tell by Jay's posture that he was thinking something. He was leaning into her in that way he had. She looked up at him, and she saw that twinkle in his eyes that had been missing for so long.

A small smile played on his lips, "How about getting a drink?"

Erin gave a quick nod, "Yeah, I could swing buy Molly's for a bit. Still probably want to make it an early night. Catch up on some sleep."

She saw Jay hesitate for a moment, "I, uh," He licked his lips and his eyes darted away for a moment before he leaned a little close, ducking his head down. His voice was low. "I was thinking maybe some place where it could just be us. Maybe we could talk a bit."

Erin's heart started to beat rapidly, just as it had the last time they had gotten so close. It was like anytime they were within a foot of each other, she felt a magnetic pull towards him that just sent every nerve ending firing. Her first instinct was to say yes. She'd missed time with him for the last few months, but what was he thinking? They had just gotten over all the hurt and pain that they'd put on each other.

She looked up at him, "Jay…what are we doing?" Her voice was soft.

She saw a bit of the twinkle leave his eyes, but his gaze was still soft as he looked at her. He shrugged a bit. "Just having a drink. Friends. Partners."

Erin tilted her head. She knew he wasn't quite being truthful. Even if he was lying to himself, he had to know, the same that she did, that the two of them drinking together, alone in some dark bar away from anyone that knew them, could lead to all sorts of complications.

Jay nudged her a bit, "Come on, you said you'd tell me what was all really going on someday."

Erin just looked up into his eyes, her heart fighting with her brain. She let out a sigh, "Jay…"

As if sensing her indecision, he took a step back. His voice changing a bit, losing some of the warmth. "Molly's is good, Erin. Want me to invite the guys?" She could see a bit of a tightening in his face. Her heart constricted. Had she ruined the moment? It wasn't that she didn't feel that way, but it was just so confusing. Did he want to get back together? Was he okay with how they had left things? Were they really just partners hanging out?

Impulsively, she reached for him, her hand on his arm. "Molly's, but, no, just us."

They locked eyes for a moment, and Erin hoped he could see that it all mattered to her. That she was trying and wanted to… okay, so she didn't know what she wanted, but she wasn't saying no.

Moments passed, and then Jay nodded solemnly, "Okay." It was all he spoke, before turning quietly and making his way out into the squad room.

Erin let out a quiet breath. Her racing heart hadn't yet settled. Could Jay be ready to really forgive her for rejecting his proposal? Was there hope for them after all? They were definitely going to talk, and Erin knew there was a lot that they probably needed to hash out. She hoped that maybe, for once, things might actually turn out how her heart actually wanted them to.

Author's Note: Thank you for all who stayed with me. I know this update has been a while in coming. I had three different scenes planned, but I just couldn't make them blend together. It was so frustrating! I eventually scrapped the ideas I had and started over. I don't love it, but it will get me where I want the rest of the story to go. Thanks again to all who review.