22. I Am Flawed,But I Am Cleaning Up So Well

Closer by everymonday

Chapter Twenty-Two: I Am Flawed, But I Am Cleaning Up So Well

---

November 8; 11:10AMA nauseatingly artificial clean smell permeated the air. It was a smell that Lizzie had learned to associate with hospitals, and it disgusted her. Jane's foot tapped in time with the clock's rhythmical tick tock, and every few minutes, Cat's soft sniffles interrupted the pattern. Lizzie sat in between her sisters, one hand tightly grasping Jane's and the other stroking Cat's hair soothingly. Their mother was in Lydia's room, comforting her youngest daughter who had woken up a few hours ago to some rough news.

There were a dozen other people in the waiting room, Lizzie noticed. It was a horrible place to be, a waiting place. The air was heavy with a feeling of helplessness. That's why everyone was here. They were helpless and waiting someone who wasn't helpless to help them. Everyone in the room was helplessly waiting for something: loved ones, doctors, news, cures, answers…This was a horrible place to be.

Lizzie sighed, wondering how much longer her mother would stay here. Jane had tried to convince her to go home to get some rest when Lydia had woken up, but she refused to go anywhere until Lydia could actually leave.

"It's not as bad as it could be," Jane reminded them softly, interrupting Lizzie's thoughts.

"It's awful," Cat replied bitterly. "Everything's ruined."

"Not everything," Lizzie corrected. "Lydia's going to be okay."

"What about everything else?" Cat sniffled loudly.

"We can worry about that later. We should be focused on Lydia right now," Jane said gently. "She had a pretty high dose of heroin in her system, but they say she's developed a tolerance for it, which made it less lethal for her."

Lizzie held back a snort. It was so ironic that it was Lydia's addiction to the drug that might have saved her from it.

"It was lucky the police came when they did. The doctor said Lydia was only unconscious for a few minutes before they got her medical attention, so there shouldn't be much brain damage or anything," Jane continued, though for whose sake, Lizzie wasn't sure. "She hasn't contracted anything like HIV or hepatitis from the need – "

"I know," Cat cut her off. "I was there when the doctor said all that."

"Yes, of course," Jane whispered. "Of course you were. I just…"

Jane's voice trailed off when their mother emerged.

"She's sleeping," their mother announced as she led them to a more secluded area. "They're going to keep her here for a few more days. The police want her to name the people who were at the party, but she refuses."

Lizzie let out a soft curse.

"Why not?" Cat asked angrily. "Why is she trying to protect them?"

"Cat," the older woman pleaded softly. "Don't. Not right now. My poor nerves are just trying to cope with this. Please don't say anymore."

Catie narrowed her eyes. "I can't believe after everything, she's still willing to protect their stupid names."

"Maybe once she has more time to think about it, she'll come around," Jane suggested, always the peacemaker.

"It doesn't matter." Cat shook her head. "She's ruined everything. Once the press hear about this, our careers are over."

"Catherine!" their mother exclaimed. "Your sister is in the hospital –"

"Because of her own stupidity," she interjected.

"And all you can think about is your career!" Their mother had tears running down her cheeks and was staring at Cat as if she didn't recognize her.

"Well, someone has to. Lydia sure as hell wasn't thinking about it when she went did drugs with George Wickham! If she doesn't give his name, I will," Cat said fiercely.

Lizzie was torn between scolding Cat for being so selfish and praising her for finally thinking for herself.

"I know Lydia's life was in danger," Cat added, her voice losing some of its venom. "I know that. They called me, remember? I'm just saying, she's going to be fine now, and it seems like we're the ones that are going to have to pay for her mistakes."

"We're a family, Catie," Jane told her softly. "It wasn't just Lydia's mistake. We're her family. We should have seen this. We should have been there for her."

"No," Cat asserted. "I was there for her, Jane. All I ever am is there for her, covering for her, helping her. Then she goes and does something like this, and I have to give up my dreams because she did something stupid."

"Catie," Lizzie tried.

"You don't understand! None of you understand!" Cat exclaimed. "You all have your dreams! Mom got to be an actress, Jane got to be a model, Lizzie got to be a dancer! All I get to be is some actress's daughter, some rich guy's unwanted kid, some model's less pretty sister, some dancer's less graceful sister, someone's forgotten twin. I never get to just be me. This show was supposed to be it for us. It was supposed to show that we weren't the same person, she was Lydia and I was Catie. Then she went and ruined it."

"You don't know that she ruined it." Jane reached for her hand. "Your reps can do damage control. No one's heard about this yet, and we can – "

"There were photographers when you and I showed up, Jane," Cat hissed, snatching her hand away. "Of course this is going to get out, if not because of the tabloids, then definitely because of the news. This is actual news, Jane! Everyone will hear about it!"

"I have a meeting with your PR reps tomorrow," their mother said carefully. "We can try to fix this, Catie."

Cat snorted. "Good luck trying. It's over, Mom."

They all watched in stunned silence as Cat stalked off without a backwards glance.

Lizzie bit her lip, looking between Jane's worried face and their mother's tear streaked one.

"I'll go after her," Lizzie offered, knowing Jane was better with their mother than anyone.

It didn't take long to catch up to Cat, who had stopped right outside the hospital doors.

"There are photographers out there," Cat said, defeated.

"They don't know it's Lydia," Lizzie pointed out. "They saw you and Jane pulling up to the busted party and following the ambulance to this hospital. Beyond that, they don't know anything."

Cat bit her lip and said nothing.

"In the mood for some hospital food?" Lizzie asked.

"Yeah, okay," Cat answered after some contemplation.

Her sister remained silent throughout the walk to the cafeteria and while they chose food. She only muttered a quiet thanks when Lizzie paid for their food.

Lizzie took a few bites of her sandwich, hoping Cat would follow her example. Instead, Cat just moved her salad around on her plate.

She had no idea what to say, and only got out her sister's name.

"Catie."

"Are you ever jealous of Jane?" Cat asked at the same time Lizzie opened her mouth.

Lizzie had no idea how to answer truthfully without making Cat feel worse, so she took another bite out of her sandwich and chewed slowly, stalling.

"You never seem like you are," Catie said, looking down. "I guess I should ask how you're not jealous of Jane when she's so perfect."

Lizzie swallowed. "Jane's not perfect, Cat."

"She's about as close as perfect as anyone will ever get," Cat argued. "She's gorgeous, she's nice, she always has the best clothes, and everyone loves her."

"Your idea of perfect is different than mine," Lizzie replied. "I've never been jealous of Jane because even though it seems like she has everything, she's too good to realize it."

"I don't get it."

"Catie. I've never been jealous of Jane because there's no point. Jane is…the best person there is. She's kind and gentle and sweet. She'd never do anything to hurt anyone. She knows that she's good looking, but she doesn't throw it in your face. She doesn't believe that her looks give her some sort of entitlement to anything. She always shares her clothes. She's nice to everyone, whether they deserve it or not. It's very difficult to hate her."

"I'm not saying I hate her."

"I know, but I'm telling you this because jealousy will eventually turn into hatred, if you let it."

"I was jealous of all of you," Cat admitted with quiet shame.

"Why?"

"Because Jane is perfect, you're talented, and Lydia is everyone's favorite."

"Jane's not perfect, we've already been through this. Plus, remember how broken she was when Charlie left? Just because she's pretty and nice doesn't mean she gets everything she wants, Cat."

"Well, you're still talented."

Lizzie smiled sadly. "Talent doesn't mean I get everything I want either."

"And you're going to tell me being everyone's favorite doesn't mean Lydia will get everything she wants?" Cat guessed.

"No." Lizzie smirked. "I was going to tell you that, for what it's worth, Lydia's never been my favorite."

Cat finally cracked a small smile.

November 8; 2:29PM"Elizabeth Bennet! How dare you leave London without telling us! How dare you tell us to 'enjoy the rest of our vacation!' How dare you tell the Darcys but not us! I'm so cross with you, Lizzie, I can't even think straight. Call me as soon as you get this and explain yourself!"

Mallory's exasperated voicemail reminded Lizzie that there was more going on than just Lydia. There was so much more to think about: Royal Ballet damage control, more auditions, and…Will. The last few days had been one horrible roller coaster ride. It was the kind of roller coaster that lasted way too long, and all you wanted was for it to stop because you feel dizzy and sick and tired, but it didn't stop, it just took you for a whole new loop.

Lizzie sighed as she made a note to call Mallory later. When she walked into her living room, she found the TV was blaring MTV reality shows while Cat was fast asleep on the couch in front of it. It was a strange sort of normality that Lizzie had not expected, but appreciated nonetheless. It gave her hope that this ride might be slowing down soon.

November 9; 7:56PM"How come you never let us meet Mallory before?" Catie asked after telling the taxi driver her address.

"I didn't know you wanted to meet her," Lizzie replied truthfully.

"I like her," Cat said.

Lizzie smiled. "I think she liked you too."

"She really cared about Lydia, even though she doesn't know her," Cat muttered. "I wish I had more friends."

"You have plenty of friends, Cat."

"Not like Mallory. They don't really care about me. They care about Lydia."

This was a new side of her sister that Lizzie was ashamed to say she didn't know. She'd always seen Catie and Lydia as a pair, a very annoying pair. She had no idea that Cat wasn't happy with that pair. She had never given any thought to the idea that Catie wanted to define herself without Lydia, that she felt second best to Lydia.

"I'm thinking about applying to college," Catie announced.

"Really?" Lizzie asked, surprised.

Cat nodded. "I mean, there's still time, right?"

"Yeah." Truthfully, she had no idea.

"Even if there's not, I can always go to community college first."

"You could."

"They cancelled our show," Cat said. "Did Jane tell you?"

"No," Lizzie replied. "I'm sorry, Catie."

Catie shrugged. "Lydia's got to go to rehab, so it's not like we can shoot a show about twins with only one twin."

"Have you talked to Lydia?"

"I've been with you."

Cat had been with her. After sleeping for fourteen hours, Cat refused to go back to the hospital, insisting that she would talk to her twin later. Lizzie, not wanting to leave her alone, stayed with her. They went shopping for a few hours and then had dinner with Mallory, where Lizzie, with the help of Cat, relayed the story of Lydia.

"Well, do you want to go talk to Lydia? Jane says she's been asking about you."

"No," Cat replied quickly. "Why can't I stay with you tonight?"

"Mom wants you home," Lizzie answered.

"Probably to bug me about talking to Lydia."

"No, Jane made her promise she wouldn't."

Cat sighed. "Am I a horrible person for being mad at her?"

"No. Honestly, you're not." Lizzie bit her lip, trying to decide if she should share this next piece of information. "If she'd overdosed a day earlier and I had to come home before my audition, I wouldn't be able to forgive her right away either."

Her sister didn't say anything, but she rested her head on Lizzie's shoulder.

"Catie?"

"Yeah?"

"Promise me you'll forgive her one day."

When Cat didn't reply, Lizzie got worried.

"It's not good to blame others, Catie," Lizzie whispered, taking Cat's hand in her own and squeezing it. "Nobody wins."

"She deserves this blame."

"I know," Lizzie assured her quickly. "But don't you think she deserves a second chance?" Lizzie thought of Will's first words to her compared to his last words. "Not everyone gets it right on the first try, Catie."

Catie sighed.

Lizzie watched the city lights pass them as the taxi moved, trying to think of how to word what she wanted to say. "I'm just saying that blaming her won't make what she did go away."

"I don't have to forgive her right away, do I?"

"No, Catie. You can take your time."

"Okay." Then, "What if I wait until after I graduate college to forgive her?"

"Better late than never, I guess." Lizzie smiled. "So you're serious about college?"

"I think so. I could study acting there. Then I could be a real actress, not a reality TV star."

"You'd also be the only one out of your sisters to go to college."

Catie didn't say anything for a long time, and Lizzie thought she'd fallen asleep.

Just as the taxi was turned onto her street, Cat whispered, "Hey, Lizzie?"

"Yeah?"

"You were always my favorite sister."

Lizzie didn't know what to say, so she simply squeezed her sister's hand again, hoping the gesture conveyed what was in her heart, since her mouth could not.

November 9; 8:43PMThere was a tall, blond man standing outside their apartment door. As Lizzie got closer, his features got more recognizable.

"Charlie?"

He tore his eyes away from the door to meet hers. "Lizzie!"

Lizzie studied him carefully. He looked agitated and couldn't seem to stand still. His hair was messy, as if he'd run his hand through it too many times, and his shirt was rumpled. His eyes, which were swirling with so many emotions that Lizzie couldn't read them all, had dark circles under them. "What are you doing here?"

"I, um, well, I came to talk to Jane." Charlie flinched when he said her name, and he was staring at Lizzie like he was afraid she might yell at him.

"Why?"

"Well, Will told me what he did." Charlie's wide eyes bored pleadingly into hers. "I know you know too."

Lizzie nodded, seeing no point in denying it.

"Right. So after Will told me, it just confirmed what a monumental mistake I made. I know it's been a while, a long while, but-but I want her back, Lizzie. I-I've been so miserable without her."

"She's with someone, Charlie," Lizzie told him as gently as she could. "It took her a while to get over you, and she's finally moved on."

Charlie looked pained. "I want to at least tell her I'm sorry. I know I can't ask for anything from her – especially if she's with someone and h-happy. I just need to explain myself to her, to tell her I didn't leave because of her but because of my own cowardice."

"How long have you been out here?" Lizzie asked curiously.

"About ten minutes," Charlie confessed sheepishly. "And I was outside the building for another twenty, trying to work up the nerve."

"I really – "

Suddenly, the door opened. "Lizzie, is that you?"

Jane froze when she spotted Charlie. She stood rooted in her spot, staring, open-mouthed. "Charlie?"

"Jane," he whispered with so much fervor it made Lizzie's heart hurt.

Without another word, Jane turned on her heel and walked away, leaving the door wide open.

Charlie looked at Lizzie, then the open door, then back at Lizzie again.

Lizzie shrugged, not sure what to do.

Taking her shrug as permission, Charlie followed Jane into the apartment, Lizzie at his heels.

"Jane, please, listen to me."

"Get out," Jane commanded with more hardness in her voice than Lizzie had ever heard from her older sister.

"Jane," Charlie whispered again, blue eyes wide and pleading.

"I said get out," she repeated, moving to go to her room.

Charlie quickly maneuvered closer to her. "Please just hear me out."

"What's there to hear out?" Jane asked, trying to walk around him, not meeting his eyes. "You left me. I think you made yourself quite clear."

"Please, Jane," Charlie said. "I've been miserable without you."

"You left me!" she shouted, pushing him. "Get out!"

"Please," Charlie tried again, taking her wrists in his hands. "I know I've been a complete ass. I know. Please let me make it up to you."

"No!" Jane yelled, struggling to free herself from his grasp. "No, Charlie! Get out!"

"Jane, I love you," Charlie said, pulling her wrists closer to his face to kiss. "I still love you, Jane."

"Stop it!" Jane screamed at him desperately. "It's too late, Charlie. I've moved on."

"I haven't, Jane." Charlie's eyes were wide with honesty. "I haven't moved on, Jane. I'm still as in love with you as I was a year ago."

"I don't care," Jane insisted, shaking her head, tears falling freely.

"Please, Jane. I'm so in love with you, and I just want another chance to be with you and make up for everything."

"No, Charlie. I can't. I won't take you back after everything you did to me."

"I'm sorry." He let go of her wrists so that he could use his hands to brush away stray tears from her face. "I'm so sorry for everything, Jane. I really am."

At first, Lizzie thought Jane had finally given in, but then, with her hands free, Jane used them to push Charlie away forcefully. "I said no, Charlie," she said harshly. "You left me, Charlie. You left me here to cry over you for months. You made me feel worthless. I won't cry over you again." She took advantage of Charlie's shock and quickly moved around him.

Charlie finally came out of his stupor and grabbed her wrist. "Jane. Please. You won't have to cry over me again. I won't ever make you cry again. Just give me another chance. Or at least hear me out. I didn't want to leave you, I didn't! They just convinced me that - "

"No," Jane said firmly, yanking her hand away. "No, Charlie. I don't care why you left. I don't care for your excuses. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you left me."

Then Jane quickly ran into her room before Charlie had a chance to stop her again.

November 10; 9:20AMLizzie woke up to the muffled sound of voices. She listened carefully and recognized one of them as Jane's, and the other one to be…Will's?

She got up and pressed her ear to the door curiously. After Charlie had left last night, Jane locked herself in her room, refusing to talk to Lizzie. There was a lot of pestering on Lizzie's part and a lot of ignoring on Jane's part, before Lizzie finally gave up and went to bed. So the fact that Jane was out of her room and talking to Will Darcy was a rather unexpected turn of events.

"I appreciate you coming here and apologizing to me," Jane was saying. "But it doesn't change anything."

"It should though," Will insisted. "He didn't want to leave you, Jane. I forced him to. I wrongly judged you, and for that, I'm sorry. More than that, I'm sorry for causing you and my best friend pain. He really does love you."

"Charlie's a grown man," Jane argued. "Unless you physically dragged him to California and tied his hands to stop him from contacting me, I doubt you really forced him."

"Charlie trusts my opinion," Will said. "Maybe a bit too much. I abused his trust. I'm sorry."

"You may be responsible for putting the idea in his head, but in the end, it was Charlie's decision."

"He wasn't happy about it. He's been miserable without you."

If Jane said anything, Lizzie didn't hear it. She pressed her ear so hard on the wood of the door, she felt like she may fall right through it.

"Just think about it," Will said. Then she heard a door open and shut.

November 10; 10:10AMLizzie found her sister curled up in her bed, crying. She quickly joined Jane, putting a comforting arm around her.

"I miss Charlie," Jane confessed quietly.

Lizzie nodded and began stroking her sister's hair soothingly. "I know."

"He doesn't deserve for me to take him back," Jane added in a shaky voice.

"But you still want to," Lizzie guessed.

"Does that make me stupid?"

"No," Lizzie replied. "It makes you human."

"I don't want to be that stupid, weak girl that always takes back her boyfriend after he's wronged her."

"You're not," Lizzie assured her.

"I will be," Jane insisted. "If I take him back, I will be."

"People make mistakes, Jane."

"This was a big mistake."

"He's trying to make up for it," Lizzie pointed out. "And you still love him."

Jane was silent for a few minutes, and then she asked, "Why didn't you tell me about Will's involvement with Charlie?"

"I tried to," Lizzie said honestly. "He confessed all of that to me in a letter while I was in Texas. When I finally saw you after Fashion Week, you were talking about Noah and how you were over Charlie, I didn't know if there was a point to bringing him up. I didn't want to open up old wounds."

Jane nodded understandingly.

"I'm really sorry, Jane," Lizzie added.

"I forgive you," Jane replied without hesitation.

Lizzie was stunned. "Really?"

"Of course. You were just trying to protect me from more pain. I understand."

"Thanks, Jane. Thanks for being so wonderful."

Jane snorted. "It's nothing, Lizzie."

"I was so worried about you," Lizzie whispered. "I didn't know if I was doing the right thing by keeping it from you. I really should have told you."

"Lizzie, it's okay."

Lizzie bit her lip. "It's not okay, Jane. If I had…If I had told you about Will's letter, we might have been able to save Lydia too."

"What do you mean?"

Lizzie took a deep breath and confessed everything to her sister, starting with what happened in Texas and ending with leaving Will in London. When she was finished, Lizzie felt a huge burden lifted from her shoulders.

"I'm so sorry about your audition, Lizzie."

She shook her head. "It's okay, Jane. I'm the one that should be sorry."

"You had no idea that Lydia would get involved with George, Lizzie. Even if you had told her he had a past with drugs, I don't think that would have stopped her."

"I can't help wondering though."

"Don't." Jane shifted and laid on her back. "Don't think about it, Lizzie. What happened happened, and there's nothing anyone can do to change it. All we can do is be grateful that Lydia's going to be okay."

"Yeah, I guess." Lizzie laid there, studying her sister's beautifully sad profile.

"Charlie gave Will a black eye."

"What?" There was no way she had heard Jane correctly.

"Charlie punched Will and gave him a black eye," Jane repeated. "Will told me when he came here. It's pretty bad."

"I can't imagine Charlie punching anyone." Let alone Will, Lizzie added silently to herself, wondering if it was just because of Jane. She considered asking Jane how bad Will's eye looked and if he had been in any pain, but before she could voice her concerns, Jane changed the subject.

"What should I do about Charlie?"

"He seems to really miss you, Jane."

"I miss him too," she whispered. "I'm scared though."

"It's okay to be scared, Janie."

"Are you afraid of being with Will?"

Her heart clenched at the thought of being with Will, and she couldn't answer right away. "Yes."

"It doesn't always have to be one or the other, Lizzie," Jane said quietly. "Just because Andrew made you choose doesn't mean Will is going to."

"It's not about that," Lizzie replied just as softly. "Not completely, anyway."

"Then what?"

"He distracts me from my dancing. I'm not as good when he's on my mind."

Jane didn't say anything for quite some time, and the only sounds that filled the room were their even breaths. "I don't want you to be alone forever, Lizzie."

"I'm not alone, Janie." Then she said, "I don't want you to be unhappy forever."

"I'm not unhappy."

"You're not happy either."

"I'll be even worse if I take Charlie back and he breaks up with me again."

"Do you really think he would?"

"I don't know," Jane replied. "But doesn't that say something? I can't trust him with my heart, so I shouldn't even bother."

"Maybe you could give him time to build your trust."

Jane made an annoyed sound. "I've always been a nice person, and I know you all tease me about it, but I've never felt there was anything wrong with being nice."

"There's not," Lizzie said quickly.

"Until you're being taken advantage of." Jane put a hand over her eyes. "I feel like Charlie is trying to take advantage of me being nice. If I take him back now, what's to stop him from treating me badly again, and expecting me to forgive him again? I think he knows I'll forgive him because I'm nice."

"I think he's just madly in love with you and your goodness," Lizzie said honestly.

She didn't miss the way Jane's lips curved at the idea before her sister quickly controlled them back into a hard line.

"You don't have to forgive him or take him back, Janie. I know he hurt you more than anyone has before." Lizzie paused. "I think he knows that too, Janie, and I think he wants to make it right."

Jane moved back on her side so that she faced Lizzie with an almost proud smile playing on her lips. "Lizzie, when did you get so mature?"

Author's Note: Hey guys...I kind of feel like I should duck as you guys throw rotten vegetables at me. I'm so sorry for getting your hopes up earlier today with that fake update. I was editing a few of the older chapters, and I accidentally deleted chapter nine, so I had to re-upload it. I had no idea that the site was going to read that as a new chapter and send out notifications and stuff. I'm so, so, so sorry. But ummm, good news is that before I deleted that chapter, I had absolute nothing written for chapter 22, and after getting a few disappointed reviews, I felt awful and whipped this baby up in about two hours. Then my super fast beta got it back to me in record time. So thanks for making me feel bad and waking the muse up. Haha.

You know that paragraph about Lizzie feeling like she's on a roller coaster? Yeah, that's basically the same roller coaster I've been on. It doesn't look like it's stopping any time soon, but I'm trying really hard not to let that affect my writing.

As always, thanks for your wonderful feedback, and I really hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. Please let me know your thoughts.