21. Savor The Sorrow To Soften The Pain

Closer by everymonday

Chapter Twenty-One: Savor The Sorrow To Soften The Pain

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November 7; 12:23PMLizzie woke up suddenly with a gasp. It was a dream. It had just been one of those dreams she'd had involving an audition and Will. That's all. Everything was fine. She hadn't fucked up her audition. It was only a dream.

It had been a dream, she told herself with relief as she sat up and looked around her hotel room with sleepy eyes. The only sounds she could hear were the pitter-pattering of rain against the glass window and the cogs in her head turning. It had been such a realistic dream. She could still feel the pain in her hands from when they stopped her from falling, could still hear the director politely thanking her for her time, could still smell the sweat and failure that clung to her body as she left.

Lizzie ran a hand through her hair and found that, instead of the loose mess she expected, her fingers touched a few hard bobby pins before stopping at the bun on top of her head. It was still encased in its bun-net and hard from the copious amounts of hairspray she'd used.

Her head whipped around to look at the clock. It was late, nearly half past noon. That could only mean one of two things: either she had slept through her entire audition with Royal Ballet or it hadn't been a dream and she had actually fallen during her audition.

She swallowed as she contemplated which would be worse.

In the end, it didn't matter. The point was that she had royally fucked up. No pun intended.

Her breathing became uneven. There wasn't enough air in the room. Her lungs weren't working right. This couldn't be happening. Lizzie put her face in her hands and swallowed a sob.

She would not cry. She would not cry.

Crying would cement this feeling of absolute despair that was threatening to consume her.

No, she insisted. She had more auditions and already had two offers. It was not the end of the world. It was not the end. This would not break her.

Lizzie forced herself to get up, take a shower, and sort out the rest later.

As the hot water washed away the filth Lizzie was sure was all over her body, she also felt other things slipping away. Her chance to dance in London, her reputation, her confidence…

Once word got out – and it would get out, if not from the directors, then from the dancers for sure – her reputation would be ruined. Forget dancing in England, it'd be amazing if she'd be able to dance anywhere. She fell. It wasn't a misstep or a minor choreography complication. She fell during a simple fouetté. Most companies expected their dancers to be able to dance thirty-two continuous fouettés en tournant, and she hadn't even been able to do five! What business did she have wasting their time?

She had focused so much on her injury, believing that it would be her demise. The problem would be other people's reactions to it. People. People and their doubts. She'd been so focused on placing blame on others. They wouldn't see her, they wouldn't understand her, they wouldn't accept her.

The problem wasn't them. It was her.

If she had just danced with her heart and trusted her feet, instead of focusing so much on everything else, it would have been fine.

But she had danced with her heart.

The problem was her heart didn't belong to ballet anymore, not completely anyway. Somehow, Will Darcy snuck in, claimed a piece of her heart, and tore it away from ballet. He didn't seem to be giving it up any time soon either.

Will.

It was the first time she allowed herself to think of him since that disaster of an audition.

She searched deep inside herself for feelings of blame and resentment for him, but came up empty. All she felt was anger at herself.

She couldn't exactly fault him for being charming and kind, could she? She couldn't complain that he was a good kisser. She couldn't blame him for her own mistakes.

It was failure on her part alone. She messed up. She lost focus. She fell.

This could be easily fixed, she decided.

She liked Will. He obviously still liked her. You don't kiss someone you don't like, right?

However, being with Will – kissing him – wasn't an option anymore. She couldn't afford any more distractions, any more memories pulling at her heart strings, any more falling.

When all the dirt, anger, and self-pity were washed away, Lizzie stepped out of the shower with a renewed sense of determination. Royal Ballet was a long shot now – a very long shot, but that didn't mean she couldn't get into ABT or San Francisco. Her heart was in pieces, but it wasn't broken. All she had to do was pick up the pieces she had and put herself back together. Then she could immerse herself into ballet completely.

If she didn't do it soon, her heart would be in danger of actually being broken. Sure, Will seemed great now, with his tender words and soft touches, but in the end, he was just like every other man. They all thought they could handle ballet dancers as girlfriends or spouses or what have you. They thought they were okay with only having a part of her, but in the end, it was never enough for them. They didn't understand that she couldn't give her entire heart up because it wasn't hers to give. It already belonged to ballet and performing. It wasn't like she hadn't tried with Andrew. All that resulted in was pain and distraction, two things Lizzie did not need right now.

If anything, it was even worse with Will because when he kissed her she felt…dazed. He made her forget where she was, what she was doing, and made her think she was dancing. It couldn't be good to have these feelings so intertwined, could it? Eventually, the pieces that belonged to Will would be so connected and interwoven with the pieces that belonged to ballet that she'd have to rip her heart to bloody bits just to get him out of there. Once she did that, who knew how much of it would be left intact for ballet?

As she wrapped a towel around her body, Lizzie contemplated the best way to tell him.

He might – no, he would – be upset at first, but there was nothing for it. It had to be done.

Her phone was ringing when she stepped out of the bathroom so she quickly answered it.

"Hello?"

"Lizzie, I'm so glad you answered," Cat's scared voice said from the other end. "I've been trying to reach you for the past twenty minutes. I-It's Lydia."

November 7; 12:23PMWill laid in bed and stared at the ceiling. If he concentrated hard enough, he could still feel Elizabeth's smooth lips on his, her warm tongue against his, her little hands all over his bare chest and back. He closed his eyes and thought of Elizabeth.

"You're still not up?"

Will opened his eyes and saw his sister standing over him. "How did you get in here? I didn't even hear you come in."

"What do you mean how did I get in here? I have a keycard."

"I never gave you a keycard." Will frowned.

Ana rolled her eyes. "Let me rephrase that: I have all the keycards."

"Isn't that a breach of ethics? Using keycards to enter people's rooms?"

"You're not a person. You're my brother," she argued.

"That makes me less of a person?" Will scoffed.

"To me, it does." Ana stared at him. "What's wrong with you?"

Will sat up and made room for his sister to sit. "What do you mean?"

"It's late. Why are you still in bed? You don't even look sleepy. Have you just been laying here?" She sat down next to him over the covers.

"I'm fine. What time is it?"

Ana looked at her watch. "Nearly half past noon."

Will's eyes widened. It was late. "I didn't realize."

"Clearly." Ana sighed. "When is Lizzie going to be back? I want to take her out to lunch. Want to come with?"

Will's heart skipped a beat at mention of her name. "I don't know when she's going to be back. Her audition was at nine, I think."

"How long does it last?"

"I don't know. Did you ask the Gardiners?"

"No." Ana pouted. "Lizzie didn't tell you when she was going to be done?"

"No."

"What did you guys do after I ran out? I thought for sure you'd come after me."

Will felt his face heat up and avoided his sister's eyes. "Nothing, really."

"Why are you blushing like that?"

"When did you start calling her Lizzie?"

Ana gave him a strange look, indicating that she had noticed his abrupt subject change. "Isn't that what everyone calls her? Why don't you call her Lizzie?"

"I'm not sure. I always figured it was a personal thing. Only her friends call her that or something."

"Well, you're her friend now."

"Yeah," Will said softly, thinking about how being friends was the last thing he wanted.

"So you should call her Lizzie. It's weird that you don't."

"Right," he replied absent-mindedly.

"Get dressed so we can go look for the Gardiners or Lizzie," Ana urged, tugging his arm.

November 7; 12:32PMWill decided to start calling her Lizzie. Most people would have just let it happen naturally, but he was not one of those people. He had never been one of those people. She had introduced herself to him as Elizabeth Bennet, so he called her Elizabeth. It wasn't like she minded. She had told him she liked the way he said her name, after all.

Will stopped his inner monologue to smile briefly at the memory.

Ana had started out calling her Elizabeth too, but in just a few days, she'd converted to Lizzie. It seemed easy enough for her, for most people.

Part of him liked that he was the only one that called her Elizabeth, but another part of him wondered if he was being left out. Lizzie was more personal, more intimate. Lizzie was a privilege for people who knew her.

He felt like he knew her now.

It was just too bad that he couldn't find her.

"I don't think she's in her room because I told the front desk to watch for her and let me know if she came in," Ana was saying as they walked down the stairs and into the lobby.

"Your stalking skills amaze me," Will muttered.

Ana shot him a look. "Hey, I'm putting more effort into this than you are. You're just walking about with a silly smile on your face. What's with you?"

"Nothing," Will replied, carefully arranging his face to look less…silly.

"Look, there's Mallory coming out of the elevator." Ana pointed to the woman who was now digging through her purse.

"Hey Mallory!" Ana greeted.

"Hello Ana, Will." Mallory nodded at each of them.

"How are you?" Will asked politely.

Mallory hesitated. "I'm fine, I suppose."

Ana didn't notice the hesitation. "Is Lizzie back from her audition yet? Do you know if she has plans for lunch?"

Will tried to read Mallory's face, but the older woman wasn't giving anything away. "She is back, but she's not feeling well. I think she's taking a nap."

"Did her audition go well?" Will asked.

Mallory let out a heavy sigh and looked away. "Not as well as she wanted."

Will frowned. "Is she alright?"

"Yes. She'll be fine, but she's probably not in the mood for company right now."

Ana pouted. "What happened at her audition?"

"It's probably best if you hear it from Lizzie."

"But she's not in the mood for company," Ana reminded her.

Mallory smiled patiently. "I'm sure she'll find you when she wants to talk, dear."

"Thanks for letting us know, Mallory," Will replied, hoping to make up for Ana's pestering.

"No problem." Mallory continued to dig in her purse until she found her phone. "Now, I really must get going now. Ed's been bugging me to go with him to see some sights. He says I should be more willing to share his interests since he's been so tolerant of mine." She rolled her eyes. "I'll see you kids later."

"Bye, Mallory," Ana said, still pouting.

"Enjoy your afternoon with your husband," Will told her politely.

What happened during Elizabeth's – no, Lizzie's – audition?

November 7; 1:29PMThe knock at the door made Will look up from his book with a frown. Was Ana expecting someone? He could hear Ana's shower running, so he got up and answered the door. To his surprise, he found Elizabeth on the other side of the door.

"Elizabeth!" He smiled at her, then winced because he'd forgotten his pact to begin calling her Lizzie. Why was this so hard?

She looked taken aback by his presence too, but offered him a weak smile. "Hi. I was looking for Ana."

"She's in the shower."

Elizabeth nodded, looking distracted. "Okay."

"Do you want to come in and wait?" Will asked, opening the door wider.

"No, that's okay." Her eyes were distant and her voice was a carefully controlled tone that he'd never heard her use before. "I was actually just coming to tell her that I'm leaving."

"Leaving?" Will repeated, not sure he'd heard her right.

She nodded again, leaning against the wall behind her and playing with her fingers. "I, um, I have to go."

Will studied her appearance more carefully. Elizabeth was wearing a pair of faded blue lounge pants that he thought he remembered her wearing during one of the many times they'd had dinner at Charlie's. He could see a yellow shirt peeking out from under her fitted white hoodie. Her hair was a little wet and tangled, and her eyes looked tired.

"Are you alright?"

"Yes." She stuffed her hands in the front pocket of her hoodie. "I'm fine."

"You're sure?" he asked skeptically.

Elizabeth pressed her lips together and nodded. "I just have to go."

"Go where?"

"Back home." She shifted her weight from one leg to the other.

"But you said you weren't leaving until tomorrow afternoon." Will leaned against the doorframe.

"Yeah." Elizabeth pushed some hair away from her eyes. "That was the plan, but now I have to go. Mal and Ed are out, and I don't want to bother them or ruin their vacation – more than I'm sure I already have anyway. I thought I'd just leave a note for them. If I tell them in person they'll want to leave with me, and I don't want them to do that. I just feel bad if I left without saying anything to Ana…and you…so…" she trailed off.

"Why are you leaving a day early? Was it because of your audition?"

Elizabeth looked at him sharply. "How do you know about my audition?"

"Mallory told me it didn't go as well as you'd hoped," Will said quietly.

"That would be the understatement of the year," she mumbled.

"What happened?" Will asked cautiously.

"I don't want to talk about it," Elizabeth replied tersely.

"Okay." Will watched her lower lip quiver for a second before she bit it.

How long they stood in silence, him studying Elizabeth and Elizabeth studying the wall on his left, Will had no idea.

Finally, she pushed herself off the wall and expelled a slow breath. "Could you just tell Ana for me?"

"Don't go," Will grabbed her arm as she began walking toward the stairs.

Elizabeth stopped. "I have to, Will."

"Because your audition didn't go well?" he asked in disbelief, not letting go of her. "Come on, just stay. Have a meal with us. Let us take your mind off things."

The corners of her lips curved a little, but she shook her head. "That sounds…wonderful. It really does. I-I can't though. It's not about the audition."

"Please don't leave, Elizabeth." Will gently pulled her arm so that she was standing face to face with him.

November 7; 1:40PMIt shouldn't have been this hard to leave London – to leave him.

"I have to." Her voice cracked, and she could feel the tears she'd been holding back surfacing.

With a quick look at her face, Will dropped his hold on her arm. She thought he was finally going to let her go, but then she felt his arm slide around her shoulders. He pulled her so that she was in his arms completely, her face in the crook of his neck. When she felt his lips kiss her temple and his hand draw soothing circles on her back, the tears began to fall freely.

Lizzie realized, quite ridiculously, that she was probably getting his shirt dirty and wet, so she tried to pull away, but Will only held her tighter to him. "It's okay, Lizzie."

She'd never heard him call her Lizzie before. It was always Elizabeth with him, but there was so much going on in her mind right now that she couldn't even give it any proper thought. The tears became uncontrollable and soon she was sobbing into Will's chest.

Who or what she was crying for, Lizzie really had no idea. There were so many things to cry for.

It could have been for Lydia, her naïve little sister who was fighting for her life in a hospital because she'd thrown away all of her sense and dignity for a man who had nothing good to offer. Poor, stupid Lydia who made a monumental mistake that, if she was lucky, would only result in the loss of her career. It could have been for Cat, who sounded so lost and betrayed on the phone. Cat, who never did anything without Lydia, and couldn't wrap her head around the fact that Lydia had done something without her. Maybe the tears were for Jane – kind, gentle, Jane – who had been through so much this year, and definitely didn't need another sister in the hospital. The tears could have even been for her mother, who loved many material things, but loved her daughters most of all. It could also be for the effect this would have on her mother's nerves.

Maybe Lizzie was crying for herself, for all the opportunities she'd screwed up. It all started with that car crash, but she wondered what would have happened if she'd been different. If she'd listened to Jane and stayed in, if she'd waited for help instead of yanking her leg out, if she'd let Will sew up her leg when they first got there, if she'd trained harder, if she'd been stronger, if she'd been smarter, if she'd been better.

Perhaps the tears were because Lizzie wanted this and knew she couldn't have it. She wanted to be in Will's arms. She had never wanted anything like this, but her heart couldn't take it. It was filled to absolute capacity with ballet, and for her and Will to happen, her heart had to be free and open. She couldn't have both, no matter how much she wanted it.

The ifs swam in her head and melded together into a loud, harsh voice that told her this is all your fault. All this pain was her fault. Lizzie deserved it.

Everything that had led up to this was her fault. She should have told Jane about Charlie. She should have told Lydia and Cat about George. She should have cleared her mind during the audition. She should have stopped being so self-involved. She should have realized there was more going on than her and ballet. She should have grown up sooner. She should have guarded her heart more carefully.

The hiccupping sobs continued until Lizzie felt exhausted and empty. Will's shirt was soaked with her tears and guilt.

"I'm sorry," Lizzie sniffled, pulling her head back to look at him. "Your shirt –"

"I don't care about that," Will replied quickly. He used the pads of his thumbs to wipe her face. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine," she insisted.

Will threw her an incredulous look.

"I am." Lizzie wiped her nose with the back of her hand. "I actually need to go pack."

Before he could reply, Ana appeared behind him in her bathrobe. "Will? Is that Lizzie? Why didn't you invite her in? Why are you out here?" She caught a glimpse of Lizzie's face and her eyes widened. "Lizzie! Are you alright?"

"I'm fine." Lizzie tried to smile reassuringly as she pulled further out of Will's arms. "I actually just came to tell you goodbye."

"Goodbye? But you weren't supposed to leave until tomorrow!" Ana's pout reminded her so much of Lydia's, it was amazing.

"I have a bit of a family emergency at home," Lizzie told her honestly, glancing at Will for a second. He was studying her carefully with a strange look on his face. "So I have to leave right away."

"But-"

"Ana," Will cut her off with a stern look.

Her lower lip jutted out even more as she looked at Lizzie helplessly. "I can't believe you have to go so soon!"

"I know. I'm sorry."

"When will I see you again?" Ana demanded.

"Um," Lizzie hesitated, not wanting to lie to her. "I don't know."

"Christmas," Will answered.

Ana's eyes filled with hope. "I'll be in the States for Christmas! Will you let me visit you?"

"Okay." Lizzie bit her lip, wondering if she'd just made a promise she couldn't keep.

"Wonderful!" Ana threw her arms around Lizzie in a tight hug. "Have a safe trip, Lizzie."

Lizzie hugged her back. "Thank you."

"I'll walk you back to your room," Will offered.

"You don't have to."

"I insist."

There was no harm in him walking with her, she supposed. "Fine."

The walk to her room was silent, but Lizzie could feel Will's eyes on her the entire time.

"I'm fine," she told him again when they reached her door.

"So you've said," he replied quietly, his expression not changing. "Do you need help packing?"

"Sure," she answered before she could properly think about why it was a bad idea.

Her room was a bit of a mess. Her bed was unmade, her clothes were all over the floor, and there was a towel sitting on the night table.

Fortunately, Will made no comment about the state of the room. "What would you like me to do?"

"I don't know." Lizzie looked around. "I don't really need help. I'm just going to throw my things in the suitcase. My flight is at four. I need to be at the airport soon, I guess."

"Do you want me to drive you?"

His kindness unhinged her. "Don't," she whispered, hoping the tears wouldn't come back. "Don't be nice to me."

Will stared at her, surprise evident on his face. "Lizzie."

"I don't deserve it," she mumbled. "Everything…everything that's happening is because of me."

He pushed a few strands of hair behind her ears and tilted her chin so that she was looking at him. "What happened?"

Lizzie moved away from him and threw her open suitcase on the bed. "My sister, Lydia, was at a party…with George Wickham." She paused and glanced at him, searching for a reaction.

Will simply sat down on the bed and waited for her to continue.

"They were doing drugs. Mostly heroin, I think. There might have been cocaine and meth too. The police found some of it in the apartment." Lizzie shook her head disbelievingly. "George Wickham introduced my sister to drug dealers and let her use dirty needles to inject stuff into her body."

Lizzie picked up a few clothes and threw them violently into her suitcase. "And Lydia was stupid enough to do it."

"None of this is your fault," Will told her gently.

"Of course it is!" she exclaimed miserably. "I knew she liked Wickham. We ran into him while we were shopping, after I got back from Texas. Lydia kept flirting with him even though I told her not to. She thought I didn't like him just because I was bitter that he stood me up at that party." Lizzie shook her head again, disgusted. "I should have told her that he had a history with drugs. I could have done it without mentioning you or Ana."

"You couldn't have known that he was going to get your sister involved, Lizzie."

Lizzie picked up more of her clothes and a few toiletries. "I still should have told her. She said she wouldn't see him again, and I thought that was that. Cat says that Lydia gave George her number when I wasn't looking."

Will remained silent.

"All this could have been prevented if I had just told my sisters everything." Lizzie put the items in her suitcase. "Lydia overdosed on heroin, and George just left her there. He didn't even call an ambulance or anything. Nobody did anything. The only reason Lydia even got medical attention was because the party got busted by the police."

Tears began to fall again, and Lizzie wiped at them furiously. "He just used her. He knew she had money because of who our mom is. Cat says Lydia's been depleting her allowance faster than usual, and usually it's on new clothes that the twins share, but Lydia hadn't been showing any interest in shopping at all. She's probably been using all of her money on drugs." The tears were coming so fast that Lizzie could barely see. "She's in the hospital with a bunch of problems. Once the press get their hands on this, Lydia's future will be ruined. She and Cat had some contract to do a show, and who knows what will happen to that? Honestly, losing her career isn't even the worst that could happen. She hasn't woken up yet. They're testing her blood for all these diseases since she used dirty needles and stuff."

She stood there crying, her suitcase blurred by tears. Will gently pulled her into his lap and wrapped his arms tightly around her.

"It's all my fault," Lizzie sobbed, clinging to his shirt.

"It's not." He rubbed her back soothingly. "Is there anything you need, Lizzie?"

"I need to go home," she whispered. Embarrassment was setting in. She'd sobbed in front of Will twice today.

"Okay. I'll drive you to the airport."

"No. It's okay. Look. I'm already packed. I'll just take a cab." There was no way she'd be able to sit in a car with him.

Will opened his mouth to protest, but Lizzie put her finger on his lips to stop him. "Thank you, for everything, Will." Then, Lizzie kissed him, because it seemed like something you do after someone held you while you sobbed. It was a brief kiss, nothing like a goodbye kiss ought to be, but it'd have to do because this was goodbye.

Author's Note: If I could, I would send everyone of you guys flowers for being so wonderful. However, I can't do that (time, money, and possibly stalker issues) so I'm just going to have to say THANK YOU a million times for brightening my day with your beautiful reviews. It seems you guys forgot about Lydia though! Mwahahaha. I'm sorry, I shouldn't get so much pleasure out of being mean, but I can't help it. :]

My betas are amazing and both helped me a lot with this chapter. So everyone should try sending Lizzy and Lyndell flowers.

Please review and tell me what you think (even if it's just to say you're upset with me lol)!