15. I Was Always Set To Self Destruct

Closer by everymonday

Chapter Fifteen: I Was Always Set To Self-Destruct

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September 3; 11:59PM"Elizabeth," a very familiar British voice said from behind her.

Lizzie involuntarily jumped from her position on the couch, where she'd been for the last half hour. She quickly stood up and turned around to see Will staring at her from the doorway. Like her, he was still wearing the clothes he'd worn to the wedding.

"Don't you ever knock?" Lizzie glared. "What do you want?"

He seemed taken aback by her tone and glare, but answered, "The door was open. I came to see if you were okay. Rich looked like he had upset you. He was going to tell me, but my aunt called him before he could." Will closed the door behind him as he let himself into the room and sat down on the loveseat across from her. Then stood up. Then sat down again. "Are you alright?"

"What's your deal?" Lizzie asked, annoyed. He didn't even know what he'd done. She took a few steps away from him, until the back of her legs touched the couch that she'd been occupied seconds earlier.

"What do you mean?" He stood up.

At that moment, Lizzie realized that she found everything about Will Darcy infuriating. She hated everything about the man in front of her, from his dark hair and imploring gray eyes to his expensive, soft tuxedo. She hated everything he'd said to her. She hated him for what he did to Jane, to Charlie, to George. She hated him for making her think he could be a decent guy. She hated that he must have followed her here from the reception but didn't even know that he was the reason she'd fled. She hated his awkwardness. She hated that he couldn't decide whether to sit or stand, even though he hadn't even been invited in, god damn it! She couldn't stand him. She hated him. She had no idea how anyone could not hate him. "I have no idea how you have any friends," she muttered decidedly.

Will looked at her strangely. He swallowed audibly, and then said, "I don't want to be your friend."

It was her turn to be surprised, not surprised that he didn't want to be her friend (she didn't want to be his either, thank you very much) but because he'd said it. Then she scolded herself because he would say something rude like that. She really shouldn't be surprised. His very first words about her were rude, after all. Lizzie moved around the couch to an emptier part of the room. "Then why are you here?" she demanded, turning away.

"No, you misunderstand me," he said, following her and grabbing her arm to make her face him. His eyes were as unreadable as always.

She yanked her arm away forcefully. "Don't touch me!"

"Please. I came here to say something."

Not sure what else to do, she waited.

Will took a deep breath while staring at his feet. He seemed to hold it in for few moments before exhaling audibly. He did this a few times while still staring stubbornly at the ground.

Lizzie began to lose what little patience she had left. "Well?"

"Give me a moment," he said softly, finally meeting her eyes. Lizzie was surprised to see they had a desperate look in them.

He took one last deep breath and began. "I don't want to be your friend because, because I need more than that." Lizzie felt her jaw drop. She was completely speechless, so he continued. "I've tried not to, believe me, I have. But. But I can't. I have to tell you how ardently I admire you and love you and-"

"What?" she demanded, horrified. "You love me?"

This, for whatever reason, he seemed to consider as sufficient encouragement. He rubbed his eyes quickly, nodded, and continued. "I've tried to talk myself out of feeling this way about you. I thought it'd be easy. Your family is unbearable and, frankly, a liability to my reputation. Your career and future are shaky at best. You yourself are impatient, immature, and ridiculously stubborn at times. However, despite all that, my feelings will not be repressed. I can't stand it any more."

She quickly backed away from him, trying to put as much distance between them as possible. He looked confused, and Lizzie, unable to contain her anger any longer, lashed out.

"I'm very sorry that the feelings you have for me have caused you pain and discomfort," she said sarcastically. "It wasn't my intention, believe me."

Will took a step towards her, his eyes fixed upon her face. She took a step back. "That's all you have to say in reply?" He spat out in disbelief.

"Yes," she answered, chin raised defiantly.

There was a fierce storm brewing in his gray eyes, and Lizzie refused to be the one to look away first. "You're rejecting me?" She nodded. "May I ask why?"

"You really need to ask why? God, you are an arrogant son of a bitch!" she burst out angrily. "You come in here, uninvited, and you proceed to tell me how you like me against your own will, how you don't want to like me, how my family will ruin your fucking reputation! You point out all my character flaws and even take a stab at my greatest passion! 'Shaky at best'? Where the fuck do you get off?" She paused only to take a breath. "You. Are. An asshole!" she stated every word carefully, as if he wouldn't understand her any other way.

"I didn't mean for it to-"

She cut him off. "And even if you hadn't done any of that, I still wouldn't want you! Do you really think anything would persuade me to accept a man who meddles in business he knows nothing about? A man, who by meddling, effectively ruined the happiness of my sister?"

His eyebrows knit together as if confused. "Jane?"

"Yes, Jane, you ass! You convinced Charlie to dump her! You didn't even let Charlie do it himself! Jane had to get an email from his damn sister and see it in a celebrity gossip magazine!"

Will opened his mouth, then closed it. Then opened it, only to close it again.

"Don't even bother denying it," Lizzie said coldly. "Your face is evidence enough."

"I wasn't going to deny it. I did break Jane and Charlie up, but it was for his own good. I was kinder to him than to myself," he replied calmly. He broke eye contact with her and stared at the ground for a moment, looking upset.

"What the hell does that mean?"

He ignored her question, but met her eyes again. "I watched Jane carefully. She never seemed to like Charlie as much as he liked her."

"Oh, because you are such an excellent judge of character. You didn't know her well enough to get Charlie to dump her, you manipulative bastard!" she shouted.

"I was trying to save Charlie from being used, from being taken advantage of, from getting hurt," Will explained evenly, taking a few steps closer to her. By now, Lizzie had her back against the wall.

"Who the fuck are you?" she shouted again, unable to contain her rage. "Who the hell do you think you are, meddling in other people's lives? You had no right! No fucking right! Jane loved Charlie!"

"She never told him that! He said it to her, and she didn't say it back!" His face was now just two feet from hers.

"Jane is shy! She doesn't just go parading her feelings for all to see! She loved Charlie, but she was reticent and didn't want to dishonor him by saying it before she was quite ready!"

Will moved even closer to her, too close. "So you admit that your sister didn't love Charlie as much as he loved her?" he asked softly.

"It's not a fucking competition!" Lizzie screamed, shoving his chest furiously with both hands. "Is that what you think love is? You think it matters who loves who more? What matters is that they love each other!"

"She never told him," he repeated, stumbling backwards a little from the force and surprise of her push. "Charlie was persuaded she didn't care about him."

"Because you suggested it!" Lizzie took the opportunity to move into open space, away from the wall.

"I was protecting my friend. You would have done the same thing if you were in my shoes." Will did not try to move closer to her again.

"Don't you dare suggest I am anything like you!"

"We both care very much about our friends and family, that is all I am suggesting. You know I'm right," he retorted smugly.

"I care about my friends and family," she corrected, resisting the urge to punch that self-satisfied look off of his face. "You don't give a shit about anyone but yourself!" He opened his mouth to contradict her, but she wasn't finished. "What about George?"

He frowned, all smugness evaporating. "George who?"

"George Wickham!" she cried.

"The janitor at the hospital?" he asked, frown deepening. "You take an awful lot of interest in that man."

"He's only a janitor because of you!" Lizzie replied. "He told me about his misfortunes.

Will rolled his eyes and clenched his fists. "Yes, his misfortunes have been great indeed."

"You're not denying it! You were an absolute bastard to him, and yet at the mention of what you did to him, you simply roll your eyes with contempt."

He pinched the bridge of his nose and then shook his head. "This is your opinion of me?"

Lizzie ran a hand through her hair and said nothing, only meeting his gaze silently.

"Thank you for explaining so fully. According to you, my faults are heavy indeed! These offenses might have been overlooked, if your wounded pride hadn't stopped you from seeing my honest confession for what it was! An honest confession from a man suffering from feelings he doesn't want. And yes, you heard right, feelings I don't want! Do you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your connections? Do you expect me to be happy that I fancy myself in love with you, you who are all too willing to believe the absolute worst of me?"

Lizzie felt herself growing angrier at every word he uttered, but she forced herself to wait for him to finish before she started. "Oh, and these are the words of a man who fancies himself 'in love' with me? You think your confession was romantic? Was I supposed to fall at your feet and thank you for having me, despite my long list of flaws? You're so damn arrogant! Again, I wonder how the hell you have any friends. We already know why you don't have a damn girlfriend!"

His astonishment was obvious. He looked at her with a mixture of incredulity and mortification, but she continued. "You can go ahead and list my character flaws, but I'm not the only imperfect one in the room, you know! You're so arrogant, you're conceited, and you don't care about anyone but yourself! I don't want anything to do with you. Not even if you were the last man on earth!"

He stared at her, his mouth hanging open. Lizzie swallowed, guilt at her words finally setting in. Damn guilt. She thought about apologizing for being so harsh, but then remembered Jane and George. Her expression hardened.

Will nodded. "You've made yourself quite clear, Elizabeth. I fully understand your feelings, and have now only to be ashamed of what my own have been." He nodded again. "Forgive me, then, for having taken up so much of your time."

With that, he hastily left the room.

Lizzie couldn't feel her legs anymore. She quickly sat down on the nearest chair, her face in her hands. After a moment, she ran her hands through her hair again. She tried to breathe evenly in through her nose and out through her mouth, but it did not help. She could not believe what had just happened. Will Darcy had charged in and declared his unwanted feelings for her. It seemed like a dream. Or a nightmare. Unbelievable.

September 4; 8:49AMA soft knock woke Lizzie out of her slumber. She wasn't expecting anyone, so she ignored it, pulling the covers over her head and hoping the knocker would go away.

Another knock came, louder and longer than the first one. She debated telling the person she wasn't feeling well, but thought that maybe if she just remained silent, they would believe she was out.

She heard an unfamiliar noise, and then silence.

September 4; 11:30AMLizzie looked around the room one last time to make sure she hadn't left anything. On the ground near her door, she spotted a plain white envelope. She picked it up and examined it. It only had her name written in the front in messy scrawl. It wasn't sealed. Curious, she took the letter out and began to read.

Elizabeth,

Don't be alarmed. The purpose of this letter is not to continue professing my love for you and further humiliating myself.

Lizzie stopped and stuffed the letter back into the envelope, not ready to read this, at least not without some coffee in her system first. She shoved the letter in her bag and tried to forget about it for the time being.

September 4; 11:40AM"Thank you Miss Bennet, I hope you enjoyed your stay here."

Lizzie smiled politely and grabbed her bags.

"Do you want someone to help you with your bags?" the receptionist asked.

Before Lizzie could reply, someone else did.

"I'll help her."

"Rich!" Lizzie smiled at him nervously. "Hi."

"Hey, Lizzie." He smiled back, putting her more at ease. "Leaving now?" He picked up her suitcase and garment bag and led her to the door.

She nodded. "My plane doesn't leave for a while, but I got tired of the hotel room." She looked around suspiciously.

"Will left earlier," Rich said, answering her unspoken question.

Lizzie tried to keep her face impassive, but Rich's knowing smile informed her that she was unsuccessful. "When do you leave?"

"Not until tomorrow."

"Oh." She stopped abruptly before they reached the double doors of the hotel entrance. "Listen, Rich. I'm really sorry about the way I acted yesterday. I shouldn't have gotten-"

"It's fine, Lizzie," Rich interrupted. "I'm the one that should apologize. I feel really awful about everything. I shouldn't have said anything about your sister. I mean, I knew she was your sister because you're both famous, and I should have been more tactful."

"No, Rich." Lizzie shook her head. "I'm glad you told me. It was really enlightening. It's not like Will ever told me anything."

"Will only did it because he cared about Charlie. He didn't want Charlie to get hurt." Rich opened the door for her.

"It wasn't any of his business," Lizzie argued as she walked through.

"Well, is George Wickham really any of your business?" Rich countered.

The bitterness in Rich's eyes was unmistakable. "You know about George?"

"Yes. I know all about George Wickham." Rich shook his head. "I don't know what twisted fabrication he told you about Will and Ana to get you on his side, but I can tell you right now it probably wasn't true."

"Ana?" Lizzie asked, confused. "Will's sister?"

They found a shady place to stand and wait for her taxi. Rich studied her carefully, and then asked, "So you haven't read Will's letter, then?"

"You know about the letter?"

Rich let out a sigh. "I know about a lot. I was up with Will all night."

"So, what happened with Will's sister?"

"Just read the letter. I give you my word that Will's telling the truth." Rich's sincere eyes bored into hers, and she couldn't help but believe him. "Don't you think it's funny that you and my cousin just fight about other people?"

Lizzie snorted. "Believe me, I have problems with Will too."

"I know," Rich replied quickly. "And I'm not in the position to tell you whether or not those are valid. I know Will's not perfect, but neither am I, and neither are you."

"I didn't say I was." She ran a hand through her hair, frustrated.

"He cares about you, you know," Rich told her softly.

"I," she paused. "I-I don't know what to do with this. I didn't expect this. What am I supposed to do?"

"Just read the letter," Rich said. "That's a start, isn't it?"

"I guess," Lizzie mumbled. A taxi drove up and the driver got out to confirm that she was Elizabeth Bennet. Lizzie nodded and put her carry on in the trunk while Rich and the driver took care of her suitcase and garment bag.

She smiled gratefully at him. "It was very nice meeting you. I'm really glad you were here."

Rich smiled back, squinting a little in the bright sunlight. "It was great meeting you too. I hope we see each other again soon." He gathered her into his arms for a long hug. When he let go, he asked, "You promise you'll read the letter?"

Lizzie bit her lip and nodded. "I promise."

"He's telling the truth in the letter you know," Rich said. "He has no reason to lie."

Lizzie sighed. "I'll read it."

September 4; 12:54PMLizzie had never been able to sleep on planes. This was unfortunate because she was actually very, very tired. Her eyes kept straying to the white envelope peeking out of her bag. Giving a loud, defeated sigh, she picked it up and extracted the letter.

Elizabeth,

Don't be alarmed. The purpose of this letter is not to continue professing my love for you and further humiliating myself. I think I did enough of that last night. I'm writing this letter to address two offenses you've charged me with. It is only fair that I tell my side of the story, after all.

I do not know what story George Wickham has given you, but I will tell you everything about my acquaintance with him, and I beg you to allow me to tell my side.

My family was George Wickham's host family when he came to study in the UK for a year. My mother had died when my sister, Ana, was five years old. Following her death, my father, sister, and I grew very close. When I left to study at Cambridge, my father felt something was missing, so he signed up to be a host family for the exchange student program. My father and sister loved George as if he were part of the family. I cannot say the same because I hardly knew him. I'd only met George a few times when I was home for the holidays, and honestly had no real opinion of him. He seemed to make my father and sister happy, so I was grateful for his presence. After George left, he made no further attempt to contact my family until a few months before he was to graduate high school. He expressed his desire to study at Cambridge. My father pulled some strings to get him accepted on such short notice and also paid for his tuition and other expenses, believing that George was a worthy investment.

At Cambridge, George and I rarely spoke. I was busy with my studies and George was busy pursuing women, gambling, or getting high. I knew this, and I confronted him about it a few times, but he refused to listen. I should have told my father, but I didn't want George's careless and reckless behavior to hurt him. I also hoped, perhaps foolishly, that George would clean up his act the next semester. The winter of George's first year at Cambridge and my third, my father lost his long-term battle with lung cancer. In his will, he specified that George's education and living expenses at Cambridge should be paid for until he graduated. George decided that he had no desire to study in the UK without my father, so he demanded the amount owed to him so he could use it to pay for school somewhere else. I allowed the lawyers and accountants to give him the large sum of money, wishing to simply be done with him. He went back to America shortly after he signed the papers. That summer, I received a letter from George, asking for more money because he'd already spent the funds from my father. I refused.

My father was a very famous figure in Europe, and his death caused the media to focus more on my sister and I. Upon finishing my education at Cambridge, we decided to move to America. There, as fate would have it, she ran into George Wickham while I was at work. They began talking, and he convinced her to come to his apartment for tea. Once in his apartment, he asked her for some money, and when she refused to give it to him, he became angry and would not allow her to leave. He began questioning her about money and how to get it from me. When she didn't answer him, he began hitting her and suggesting vulgar things he would do to her if she didn't comply. Luckily, Ana managed to lock herself in his bathroom and phone the police. It turned out, George had been high on heroin, and he needed money to get more drugs. Ana wished to drop the entire incident, so we filed for a restraining order, but did not press charges. She was only fifteen at the time.

I hope you better understand my reasons for treating George Wickham with nothing but contempt. If you hate me so much that it prevents you from believing any of this, you can ask Rich for confirmation. He loves Ana like his own sister and was an essential part of her healing. I did not disclose any of this information before because I wished to allow my sister her privacy, however, I have no doubt of your secrecy in this very sensitive matter.

As for your sister and my friend, I can only say that I misjudged your sister, and for that, I apologize. I've seen Charlie fall in love with many women less worthy of him. He's had his heart broken a number of times, and I've been trying to prevent that for him for years. I believed your sister to be indifferent and unattached. I underestimated her level of affection for Charlie, and I did not believe that Charlie leaving would affect her very much. I'm very sorry for causing her any pain.

Good luck with everything you do, Elizabeth.

Best,William James Darcy

Lizzie read the letter five times to make sure she digested every single word. During the sixth reading, she burst into tears and ignored the woman that was giving her pitying looks and asking if she was alright. Anger set in, and she began to feel angry at Will for making her feel tiny with his letter. She was angry that he'd been right last night. She was immature and stubborn. The only adjective he had left out was stupid. She'd been so stupid to listen to George's story without getting Will's side first.

Lizzie had never felt so alone. She sat on the plane, waiting to land, with nothing to distract her from the wealth of her mistakes, staring back at her in the form of a two-page letter.

Author's Note: Fastest update ever, yes? Haha. Don't get used to it though. I had this chapter written before I posted the other one (it was actually supposed to be part of the last chapter, but it was too long...which is why this one is so short) and just needed it edited. Everyone say thank you to Lyndell for being awesome and editing (at lightning speed!) for me since my usual beta is busy having a life and whatnot.

And you, reader, are awesome as well. Over twenty reviews in just a few days is awesome too. What else is awesome? Over two hundred people signed up for alerts for this story. You guys continue to amaze me.

I'm in a very good mood because I have no homework tonight.

This was a huge chapter (despite the shortness) so if you review ANY chapter, it should be this one. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Pleaseeee. :]