16. Chapter 16

A/N: Hey, you're getting this early cause I have COVID! That being said, it may effect the update schedule because I really don't feel like writing. I'm gonna try to keep going, but if I miss one, that's why!

Also, I affectionately call this chapter "Therapy: Bridgerton Style".

The next morning, Kate found herself awake before the rest of the household and making Chai on the patio. It really was so pleasant; she couldn't help felling quite at home.

"Hi."

She looked up, surprised to see Eloise.

"Good morning." Kate greeted her happily. "I thought I was the only one awake."

"The others are late risers, even when we're in the country." Eloise told her. "Anthony and I are always the first ones up. I imagine he's already in his study."

Kate was struck by the oddest longing to go find him, perhaps bring him a cup of tea…even if he did prefer the inferior English variety.

"I have always been an early riser as well." Kate told his sister instead. "I often ride early in the morning."

Eloise smiled before heading to a nearby bench. Kate hesitated for a moment before turning towards her.

"Can I ask you something, Eloise?"

"Anything." The younger woman agreed easily.

"Your brother, the Viscount, he said he did not go to his father's grave if he could help it." She said slowly. "If it's not my business, I understand, but I was hoping you could tell me why."

"You were near our father's grave yesterday, weren't you?" Eloise said thoughtfully. "I'm frankly shocked Anthony kept playing. He doesn't usually take being reminded of our father well." She was quiet for a moment. "Our father's death was hard on all of us, but it upended Anthony's whole life. The boy he was before basically died, and this new man walked off in his place. I think he stays away because he doesn't like to be reminded of what could have been."

Kate nodded, adding that opinion to the tapestry of who Anthony Bridgerton was in her mind.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Of course." Kate told her instantly.

"Was it your choice to not marry until now?"

"I think you'll find I still have not decided to marry." Kate replied dryly.

"Yes, yes, but we both know my brother has plans to change that." Eloise said with a wave of her hand, not seeming to notice the way Kate awkwardly shifted in her seat. "Everyone tells me it is a fate worse than death to end up a spinster, but you seemed perfectly content with your situation as it was."

Kate shook her head with a chuckle.

"You must know it's hardly ideal." She told the younger woman. "The world is not exactly welcoming to an unmarried woman. There seems to be no place in society for us, except at the edge of things."

"That rather seems society's flaw, not a woman's."

"Indeed, it is."

"It's just…" Eloise trailed off, clearly frustrated. "My mother requires that I dance and speak with these men, the majority of whom do not have a thought between their ears, and the ones that do don't care that I have one between mine! I have ideas and beliefs, and no one will listen to me!"

Kate quickly rose from her seat and sat down next to Eloise, who looked close to tears.

"No one will force you to marry, I am sure of it." She assured her, taking both her hands in her own. "I believe I know the Viscount well enough to know that all he wants is your happiness."

"He almost married Daphne off to Nigel Berbrooke of all people." She replied dismissively.

"I did not say your brother didn't make mistakes." Kate said dryly. "But I do believe he's learned his lesson and will not make the same ones again."

"No, he'll probably make new and worse ones." Eloise quipped weakly.

"Very likely." Kate agreed with a laugh. "But you have advantages other young ladies do not have, namely a brother who will never turn you out, who will take your feelings on the matter into account. You have time to figure out what you want. If you feel like you're being rushed, tell Lord Bridgerton. I believe he will listen. And…" she squeezed Eloise's hands comfortingly, "if the men won't listen to your thoughts, come find me. I will always be happy to listen to a friend."

Eloise surprised Kate by hugging her tightly.

"I'm glad Anthony chose you."

Before Kate could respond, Eloise rushed back inside, leaving the other woman stunned in her wake

He just had to finish a bit more and then Anthony would be free to spend the rest of the day with Kate. That's what he kept telling himself, but the stack didn't seem to be getting any smaller.

It was incredibly frustrating.

There was a knock at the door and Eloise let herself in without waiting for an answer.

"Do you have a moment, Anthony?"

"Of course." He replied, setting aside his quill. "I always have time for you, Eloise."

It hurt him a little to see how much his answer seemed to surprise her, but she shut the door and moved closer to his desk.

"I don't wish to marry Nigel Berbrooke."

Anthony blinked and Eloise seemed surprised herself.

"That is not how I meant to begin."

Anthony quickly got up and moved around his desk to his sister.

"If Berbrooke has done something – " he started, but Eloise shook her head, raising a hand to cut him off.

"He has done nothing." She assured him. "Please, can I start again?"

Anthony motioned to the armchairs by the fire and they sat across from one another.

"I was speaking with Miss Sharma about her spinsterhood."

"Miss Sharma is not a spinster." Anthony interrupted, annoyed.

"Yes, we're all aware you're courting her." Eloise said dismissively. "But until you actually convince her to marry you, society considers her on the shelf and before you made it your quest to change that fact, she seemed content with her lot. I wanted to know how that was possible. In the course of our conversation, she suggested that if I had concerns about my eventual married state, I should speak to you."

She fell silent and Anthony let her gather her thoughts.

"Despite what you and mother may want, I am not Daphne." She said softly. "I do not have an all-consuming need to be a wife and mother. I could never shackle myself to a man I did not respect and my impressions of the men of the ton so far do not lend me to the idea that there is one among them that I could. I could not bear a husband who did not respect that I have a mind of my own and that I take pleasure in using it."

"Eloise, I would never force you to marry someone you did not want to marry." Anthony assured her. "The final decision on who you marry lies solely with you."

"And yet you almost made Daphne marry Nigel Berbrooke." She said, finally clearing up her initial statement.

Anthony forced down the well of shame he felt when he thought of his actions last Season.

"I was wrong to do that to Daphne." He said, shocking his sister with his admission. "And I would never suggest you marry Berbrooke. For one thing, you'd eat him alive."

"Yes, I would." Eloise said smugly.

Her brother reached over to take her hands in his.

"I want a happy life for you, sister. I want you to spend your life with someone who will love and respect you in the manner you deserve. I have a hard time believing there is not one man in English society who meets your standards, but we can always expand our search. Perhaps an American would suit you better."

"You would throw me to the heathens?" she demanded in mock horror.

"I would remind you that the woman I am courting had to travel from India, so maybe we don't discount distant locales just yet." He said dryly before turning serious. "And if you decide there is no one you want to marry, you will always have a home with me. Always."

Eloise gave him a watery smile.

"Kate said you'd say that."

Anthony's heart swelled at the knowledge that Kate's opinion of him was so sure.

"I'm very glad you chose her, Anthony." She told him softly. "I like the man you are around her. He reminds me quite a bit of my brother. I didn't realize how much I missed him until he came back to us."

For a second time in a half an hour, she surprised even herself by standing up to wrap her arms around her brother.

"You really need to marry her." She told him bluntly as he returned her hug. "If you don't, we may pick her over you."

"I am working on it." He said sardonically. "But it would be lovely if my siblings stopped telling me how much they preferred her to me."

"Just keeping you humble, brother." She replied, letting him go. "Can't have you thinking we like you too much."

"I do not believe we're in any danger of that."

Eloise just grinned.

"I'm going to breakfast. Are you coming?"

"In a bit." He assured her. "I just need to finish a few things."

She surprised him again by leaning forward to press a kiss to the top of his head.

"Don't work too hard."

With that, she left him to his papers. Anthony glanced at them and sighed.

"El, wait for me."

After breakfast, which was a better time than he remembered a meal being in recent times, Anthony found himself walking a familiar path away from his study and towards his father's grave.

A grave that he found someone had left lilies at since yesterday. He leaned down to touch them lightly and sighed.

"I think you would have liked her, papa."

"Anthony?"

He turned to see his mother approaching and quickly stood.

"I can take my leave." He told her, turning to go.

"No, stay." She said quickly. "Please."

He nodded and moved to sit on the bench as she approached the headstone.

"You brought lilies?" she asked curiously, but he shook his head.

"Miss Sharma, I believe." He told her. "The bouquet I provided this morning for her room, if I'm not mistaken."

Violet smiled and bent to add her lilacs before sitting next to him.

"I am glad you showed her this place. Your wife deserves to know all the parts of you, and that includes your father."

Anthony murmured a noncommittal answer and they were quiet for a moment.

"I know I have said this before, but I like her, Anthony." His mother said, smiling. "I like who you are when you are with her. I don't know if you remember, but I was worried that Hyacinth would never know your father's laugh, but she does now because she's heard you laugh with Miss Sharma. I had rather forgotten that your laugh sounds just like his, and I will treasure her forever for returning it to us."

Anthony just stared at her.

"If I remember?" he repeated softly. "As if I could ever forget any of the horrible things you said in those days after."

Violet stared at him in shock as he surged to his feet, stalking towards the headstone. He stared at it for a moment before spinning to face her.

"You were barely there…after he died." He told her, his entire body tense with restrained anger. "And yet, I, myself, am cursed to remember every waking moment."

"Anthony – "

"Do you know I almost convinced myself to not pursue her?" he practically spat at her. "I have wanted her basically from the moment I laid eyes on her and I almost walked away because all I could see, all I have ever seen, was the pain father caused you. How could I selfishly open her to such pain, seeing what it did to you? I couldn't do it, so I tried to walk away. I was content to know that the marriage I did chose would have no place for love in it. That I would find an amiable partner with whom I could share a pleasant life, untouched by heartbreak and the ravages of grief. I still almost wish I had walked away, but then I danced with her and I talked with her and I knew that I wasn't strong enough to stay away. And, God, how I wish I could say that it was because her beauty took my breath away or because I have loved her every moment I have spent with her, because those reasons would be true, but the real reason was because of her strength. I have known all along that she was strong enough to survive. Strong enough to choose our children instead of telling them she wished they had let her follow me to the grave. I chose her because I knew she would never be you."

Anthony broke off, breathing raggedly as he seemed to come back to himself.

"Mother, I – "

She held up her hand to cut him off. She slowly got to her feet, moving as if she were approaching a wounded animal, and took his hands in hers.

"I suppose I now have another reason to treasure Miss Sharma." She told him softly. "If her presence in your life is what has given you leave to finally excise this…poison that has existed between us for far too long, then I will thank God for her every day. Oh, my darling." She reached up to take his face between her hands. "I am sorry. I am so sorry that it was you with your father that day…and I am so sorry for everything that happened in the days that followed. If I could go back and change things…You have no idea how much I wish I could change everything. It is what I think about every night before I go to sleep and then again, every morning before I open my eyes. I asked too much of you, Anthony."

"It was my responsibility to protect our family." He said dully. "I know I've disappointed you, that I haven't lived up to the man he would have wanted me to be."

"No." she told him fiercely. "It was my responsibility. I'm the one who failed. You were a child and you should have been allowed to remain a child. You could never disappoint me, not truly." She was quiet for a moment. "We never needed you to be Edmund, we only needed you to be yourself."

"I can be me with her." He whispered. "It's all she wants me to be."

"Then she will be my favorite daughter-in-law."

"She will be your only daughter-in-law at the rate Benedict and Colin are going." He said with a weak chuckle.

"You leave your brothers' marriages to me." Violet told him with mock severity. "You worry about accomplishing your own."

Anthony nodded and took a deep breath. Surprisingly, he felt lighter than he had in years.

"Speaking of marriages…" he took her hand and let her back to the bench. "I need you to let up on Eloise for a little bit. She's afraid we'll make her marry against her will."

"I would never!" his mother exclaimed, vaguely offended.

"But I almost did." He soothed. "Last Season with Daphne. Her fears are not unfounded."

Violet was quiet for a moment.

"She told you this?" she asked finally.

Anthony nodded.

"After she confided in Miss Sharma, who suggested she speak with me."

"I may have to just adopt Miss Sharma." Violet muttered, making Anthony chuckle.

"I think you have enough children, mother. Let Lady Mary keep this one. And if you truly wish to thank her, redirect your match making from Eloise to Miss Edwina. The sooner Miss Edwina is settled, the sooner I can accomplish what seems to be this family's fondest wish and make Miss Sharma a Bridgerton."

His mother looked thoughtful.

"There was a gentleman I invited with Eloise in mind, but I doubt he will mind an opportunity to court the Diamond."

Anthony shook his head fondly and pressed a kiss to her cheek.

"I will see you later, mother."

With that, he left her to visit with Edmund in peace.

"Come. You promised to paint with me and paint you shall!"

Kate shrugged helplessly to Edwina as Benedict practically dragged her out of the room where they had been taking tea with Francesca and Daphne.

The day had been a lazy one so far. After her conversation with Eloise, Kate had decided to bring Anthony's lilies to his father's grave. She had stayed there for a while as the sun fully rose before heading back to breakfast. After, she had seen Anthony heading the way she had gone and contented herself with spending the day reading. Eventually, Edwina had found her and dragged her to tea, where she could see Anthony playing games with his youngest siblings on the lawn.

If she periodically got distracted watching him, the other women in the room were kind enough to not call her on it. Especially because the Duchess seemed similarly distracted by her husband sitting near the eldest and youngest Bridgertons, playing with Auggie in the grass. She knew it had made them rather useless to Edwina, who had wanted to know more about the men arriving in the coming week, but Kate felt sure she would forgive her distraction.

All in all, it had been shaping up to be a pleasant, if slow, day when Benedict had burst into the room, declaring it was time to paint.

"I am not quite dressed for painting." She told Benedict, laughing as he pulled her down the hall.

He stopped and seemed to consider the light blue dress she was wearing.

"Very well," he conceded, pulling her along again, "but I could use a subject and you shall do splendidly."

That stopped Kate dead in her tracks.

"You want to paint me?"

"Of course." He replied, tugging on her hand, but she refused to move.

"Why?"

That made the second born Bridgerton stop and turn to stare at her incredulously.

"Because you're beautiful." He said as if it were the most natural thing in the world. "I have wanted to paint you since our first dance. Partially because I felt my toes would be safer if you were sitting, but mostly for your beauty."

"But surely there are better subjects." She protested. "Edwina. Or any of your sisters."

"All beautiful in their own ways." He agreed. "But I have wanted to paint you for so long and now is the perfect time!"

He tugged on her hand again, but Kate wouldn't budge.

Benedict finally stopped and really looked at her.

"You don't believe it, do you?" he said in amazement as he finally figured it out. "I thought you were humble or shy, which I don't know how I came to that assumption, but you truly don't know how beautiful you are."

"Mr. Bridgerton – " she started.

"Ah ah ah." He cut her off. "Benedict. We agreed." He took both her hands in his. "Give me one afternoon, Kate. One afternoon to prove it to you. It pains me, physically pains me, to think you might think you are not one of the most beautiful women of my acquaintance."

"Benedict." She whispered, her eyes welling at the sincere look in his eyes.

"One afternoon." He bargained. "One afternoon to paint you, so you can see what I see."

Kate couldn't speak, so she simply nodded her head.

"Excellent!"

Benedict resumed dragging her through the halls until they finally reached a parlor in the back of the house. Inside was an easel set up on a drop cloth and an array of painting supplies. He finally let go of her hand so he could drag an armchair over to sit in front of the easel.

"Miss Sharma, if you please."

Kate sighed but allowed him to direct her how to sit in the chair. When he was happy with her position, he stepped away to pick up his supplies.

For the first hour or so, Benedict had her sit very still as he made the initial sketch. Eventually, she was allowed to relax as long as she stayed seated in the chair and readjusted as he requested.

"When do you hear back from the Royal Academy?"

Benedict shrugged.

"Whenever they deign to reply, I suppose."

"They'd be fools to not take you." She told him confidently, making him laugh.

"Your loyalty may be one of my favorite things about you, Kate. You haven't seen my work and yet I believe you are perfectly ready to defend my honor if they choose to deny me."

Kate glowered at him, making him laugh harder.

"I do not need to see your work to know how passionate you are about it." She said primly. "Also, the Viscount speaks highly of your talent and I do not believe he is given to praising his brothers without merit."

Benedict stopped painting to stare at her.

"Anthony praised my art?"

Kate smiled softly.

"He seems very proud of his most talented brother."

Benedict stared at her for a moment in shock before clearing his throat and returning to his work. Their conversation from that point covered less serious topics and they spent the afternoon in pleasant company and much laughter.

Finally, the sun began to set.

"You know, when our siblings told me the two of you went off to paint, I rather expected there to be two easels."

Kate's face broke into a brilliant smile as she twisted in her seat to find Anthony leaning against the doorway.

"Perfect, another opinion." Benedict exclaimed. "Miss Sharma was worried about damaging her fine dress, so she agreed to sit for me instead. Come, brother. What do you think?"

Anthony crossed the room, pausing to press a kiss to Kate's hand, before stopping at his brother's side. Kate could only watch nervously as Anthony studied the painting she had yet to see.

"You should gift this to Lady Mary, brother." He said finally. "While I would be partial to hanging in the gallery for all to see, I believe Miss Sharma's mama would appreciate a portrait of her beautiful daughter most."

"Lord Bridgerton – " Kate began, but Anthony fixed her with a look that took her breath away.

"It is a beautiful likeness, brother." He continued, returning his attention to the painting. "You should be commended for making it so true to life."

"Thank you, brother." Benedict said happily. "Kate, it is hardly finished, but would you like to see?"

Anthony held out his hand, beckoning her over, and Kate slowly got up and joined him.

"Oh."

Benedict was correct, the painting was hardly finished, but he had begun with her face. Kate had always wished she had delicate features like Edwina, and he had done nothing to soften them, but Benedict had somehow made them less severe than what she saw in the mirror. She had chosen to wear her hair looser this morning and somehow that made her look younger in the painting.

She looked over to Benedict and he smiled softly.

"How I see you."

She nodded, quickly wiping away a tear. Anthony looked between them, but Benedict just shook his head.

"I should have this finished before we return to London." He told them. "Why don't you two leave me to my work and I'll see you at dinner."

"Come, Miss Sharma." Anthony said, pulling her away with a nod to his brother. "Daphne was desiring a turn in the garden and the Duchess hates to be kept waiting."

Kate nodded, allowing him to pull her out of the room. Benedict smiled fondly after them before returning to his work.