24

I check the time on my phone once again, it has been over 30 minutes since Karter left to get drinks. I was growing more and more anxious by the minute. I want to call him but he was clearly pissed off about the Allan thing and the fact that I haven't told him I love him yet because I don't. I've never really properly been in love but I do know this that I have never cared for someone the way I care for Karter but I don't think I could say I'm in love with him yet. It makes me feel like shit that I'm not giving my all to this man who is always bending over backwards to make me happy. I wish I could blame it on Karter and be like I wish he understood but at the same time, I cannot possibly imagine what he must be going through but it's not my fault. I can't force myself to love someone. I can't control it not to mention I can't handle these jealousy outbursts that he has over nothing. It's a bit much for me personally.

I couldn't even enjoy the party, everyone around me was having fun and dancing, drinking, eating while I was just flashing fake smiles at everyone. I really didn't want someone to ask me what was wrong, it's Jay's birthday, I don't want to be the one to bring down the mood. So I slyly slip out onto the balcony waiting for Karter and letting the cool air help me clear my mind and help me breathe better.

I was leaning against the railing as I stare at the stars, counting them when I heard the balcony door open and close. I turn around to see Nayel walking towards me, "Hi there" He says standing next to me, his back leaning against the railing.

"Hey" I smile. As always, Nayel looked amazing, he was wearing a dark green silk button down shirt with black pants, his sleeves were rolled up showing off his muscles. His black hair was ruffled up as he runs a hand through it.

"You good?" Nayel asks, his eyes scanning my face.

I simply shrug not knowing how to answer that right now.

"Your boyfriend seems nice" Nayel takes a sip of his drink, his tone speculative.

"He is nice" I say and it comes out rather defensively. I sigh, "He's just-we're just having a rough day" I shrug.

"Is this the same guy you were fighting about religion with on Christmas?" Nayel asks.

I nod, "Yeah"

"So you guys have been together for a while" Nayel says.

I nod, "Yes"

"Do you love him?" Nayel's eyes peer into my soul.

I chuckle, "If I knew the answer to that, he wouldn't be gone for over 40 minutes to get alcohol"

"You seem like you care about him deeply, Jay has also mentioned he's the nicest guy you've ever dated" Nayel shrugs.

"I do, he's the best. I really couldn't ask for a better guy but.." I trail off.

"But?" Nayel raises an eyebrow.

"I'm not exactly sure where my feelings are at, I've never really gone this far with a guy in a relationship so I don't know how I'm supposed to feel. I don't want to tell him anything until I have figured it out 100% myself" I bite my lower lip, I don't know why I'm telling Nayel of all people all of this.

"And that's fine, you shouldn't have to force yourself to rush into anything just because you feel like you might hurt the other person, the fact that you are out here at your best friend's party thinking about how you are hurting this person just shows you have a good heart Maria. It's one of the things everyone loves about you." Nayel smiles at me reassuringly.

"Thank you" I smile sheepishly.

"From what I saw he was jealous but I think he's just hurt that you don't care about him the way he cares about you. You're not ready to tell him you love him yet that's fine but why not make it known to him that you care about him deeply and that he's the only guy you want and there's no one else." Nayel suggests.

"Be calm and collected because as much as your feelings are a mess, he must be feeling pretty dejected too thinking maybe you don't care about him or the relationship as much as he does so he just wants some reassurance from you. He doesn't want you to tell him you love him right this second but letting him know that he's all you want and need will truly make him at peace and would put an end to this fight you guys are having" Nayel smiles and squeezes my right hand gently.

I sigh, "You're right"

I bite my lower lip, lifting my gaze and staring up at the stars again, "Is it always supposed to be this hard Nayel?" I ask not looking at him.

"I think you know the answer to that very well and me telling you is just going to make you feel worse than you do right now" I see Nayel look at me from the corner of my eye.

Suddenly, I see Karter's car pull into the driveway. Oh thank Goodness, he's back. I sigh a breath of relief.

"Good luck" Nayel smiles at me.

I wrap my arms around his neck, "Thank you for talking to me and listening and for the pep talk".

"You look too gorgeous tonight to be this sad" Nayel whispers in my ear pulling away from the hug making feel warm inside my belly for some reason.

Nayel smiles at me one last time before heading out of the balcony. Nayel is right, I need to make Karter understand that he is all I want and even if I'm not completely sure how I feel but I know I have never felt anything this real in my entire life and he is the only person I want despite our ups and downs.

I just need to figure out a way to use my words correctly to tell Karter how I'm feeling without upsetting him or making the situation even more complicated then it needs to be. I sigh, why are relationships such hard work? Why do any of us not want to be single?