CHAPTER EIGHT

So, that's it

She'd turned me down, and I'd accepted it.

What on earth am I even saying?

I'm just fifteen.

Anyways, that was the situation. At least she didn't cut me off or anything like that. She said we could still be buds.

Maybe I don't even 'feel' what I claim I do. At fifteen+, what do I know?

Until she passed me in the halls that Monday morning by 8:29 am.

Nope, what I feel might be childish, impulsive, or any word of your choice, but I knew one thing;

I am attracted to you, Rayna...

RAYNA'S P.O.V

There's no reason to get anything confused or panic or anything like that.

Only, what I did stung me.

I pushed him away before he even got closer.

It's good for me anyway. I'm too young to begin dealing with "Issues of the Heart".

It's clearly in the Bible anyway;

"Do not awaken passion until it is ripe"( Songs of Solomon somewhere someplace).

I'm a Christian. Duh.

And 15 is not the time.

I'm not saying I'm all holy and shit, but I'm trying to make steps to it.

Baby steps.

Mainly because I'm greatly drifting away. My spirituality nowadays is questionable, but one at a time, I tell myself.

I've got a lot of my dirt too anyway.

And besides, I still want to talk to Kyle, don't want to lose him as a friend.

Lunch hour...

"See how you walk. Are you holding in faeces or something?", Kirsten laughed, her minions joining her.

Quiet and easily moved to tears Jane was today's victim.

"Why don't you just leave me alone? I've done nothing wrong to you to warrant any of this", she said nervously.

"Of course dear, we just find how smart and innocent you are irritating. You pretend a lot, that's all", Ellen filed her pinky nail.

Seriously? Smartness is an offense nowadays? Boris Johnson should have made an announcement the day it was embedded in the constitution.

"Leave me alone. I have somewhere to be", Jane began to make her way past them, but Kirsten and Ellen blocked her way.

"Don't go yet, we need some tutoring on that Math topic, uhmm, yeah, Quadratic equations", started Ellen.

"Yeah, right after we tutor you on the difference between original perfumes and fake ones. Oh, wait, what's the essence? You can't afford original perfumes!", Kirsten finished.

Ellen, Kirsten, and their entourage began to laugh cruelly.

Jane eventually pushed past them, not before breaking out in tears.

That one got to me.

I went to them, annoyed.

I began to clap.

"What an amazing show! How'd you feel about yourselves? If at all you can feel. Disgusting creatures, the lot of you. If someone else's tears excite you and make you this happy, do you think you're mentally stable? I hope not.

I don't even know the essence of this speech--"

"Finally, you get it", Ellen rudely interrupted, rolling her eyes.

"Because I know y'all have porous brains", I ignored her, "But I'll let you off with this warning; Stop being disgusting. You'll be put where disgusting things belong very soon; in the trash. And I won't be the one to do it, even though I wish to. Bunch of dogs and bitches", I finished.

And with that, I stormed off.

"I didn't know Jane had an elder sister", one of the guys in Kirsten's entourage commented.

"A huge one for that matter. Let's get out of here", Kirsten muttered, loud enough for me to hear, and I stopped in my tracks.

She did not just say that.

I wanted to fly to her and punch her simultaneously in the face, remind her how empty her brain was and how fake she was as well.

I also wanted to cry.

But I did none of those things, except for the latter, which I did when I got to the girls' bathroom.

I just walked away.

When I reached the bathroom, I entered a stall and shut the door ( I'd shut the door to the main entrance already anyway).

I sat on the toilet seat and began to cry.

Why? you ask.

I've been made, in every way, since I got here to believe I was too big.

That's a lie anyway, they were just too small, but I found it hard to believe myself.

So many flaws, so many imperfections, embodied in a single mortal; me.

I cried.

She'd called me huge.

That always succeeded in getting to me.

So I didn't let anyone know that.

I never reacted with pain or tears whenever I was called that, instead I usually came up with a more hurtful comeback but I always became moody, and sometimes, like now, I cried.

Cried because I believed I was not properly created, and I had a certain dislike for myself.

Yes. I'm not like a character in some cliché teen romance book. I won't keep quiet or become timid.

Pfft. They wish.

Not beautiful, big... Jeez.

I finished crying, dried my eyes, and washed my face at the sink. Then I took my leave from there.

I was already five minutes late for my best class; Literature...

I opened the door to the classroom.

Every head turned to follow the sound of the door, and thirty pairs of eyes rested on me.

I hate this. Being the centre of attention.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Rowland. I had to turn back to get my text and note", I pleaded as I walked in.

"That's alright, go to your seat dear", she smiled.

I not only loved the subject, but I also loved the teacher.

Mrs. Rachael Rowland.

She's so nice but is quite disciplined in such a way that no one can mess with her or take her for granted. She teaches her subject so passionately and I always understand what she teaches. If I don't eventually, she explains further.

Maybe I'm biased on this favorite subject thing because I'm a writer myself, but I don't care. Hehe.

"Okay! Today's literary text, as you all are supposed to be aware of is The Shadows Lurking In The Hallway, by--"

"Matthew Johnson!", Carrie excitedly answered.

"That's right darling", Mrs. Rachael Rowland smiled again.

She's beautiful. Oh.

"This particular book we'll be treating today is one of my favourites. I'm a great fan of mystery, as well as romance, and in this book, Matthew uses the two factors so smoothly....."

I felt something hit me at my back, and I turned to look for the troublemaker.

I smiled.

"Why were you late to Lit Ray? You love this subject so much that you carry your note and text everywhere. What's going on?", Chris quizzed, smiling as well.

My smile went away.

"I went to cry Chris", I smiled sadly. "I'm used to it anyway".

Chris's expression changed.

He was not happy.

"Who did what this time? Who said what? Rayna talk to me!", he interrogated, annoyed. He was sitting directly behind me and I didn't notice. Everyone else was paying close attention to what Mrs. Rowland was saying, so no one listened in on our conversation.

She noticed some commotion and she faced Chris and asked him to shut up. I held back some laughter and I continued listening to Mrs. Rowland.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

"Okay! That's the bell! Today's assignment; Read that book and finish it by next week. We'll be discussing the plot in the next class. See you!"

And with that, she took her to leave.

The rest of the class followed.

That's my last class. I was on my way out when Chris pulled me back by my right hand.

"Hey, let's hang. I haven't had time to thank you and Ash properly for what you did for me that night, plus, you look like you need it", he smiled sloppily.

Ah, my adorable guyst friend (Guy Best Friend, get it?).

"Sure. But about that night, come on, that's what friends are for. I'm coming with you because like you rightly said, I need it, not for you to ' pay me back '. I'll be there, anytime", I held his hand.

He lifted the hand I was holding up, and placed his free hand over it.

"I know Ray, thank you very much. Let's go!", he pulled me all of a sudden.

_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_

An hour later, after Karaoke and lunch two, we were in the park, eating ice cream and watching smaller kids play.

The girls were all dressed in pink frilly dresses, donning pink bows and bonnets on their cute heads. The boys were dressed in blue overalls with different colours of shirts.

I don't mean every single one of them. Majority of them. Then there were a few odd colours; Red, purple, brown...

"I want ice cream!", a girl no more than three years old wailed.

"We're leaving soon honey. Hang o--"

"No! Now!", and she began to cry.

"You know, if I was that girl's mother, I'd spank her to shut up", Chris said. We were both looking at the little scene.

"Thank God you aren't", I chuckled.

"Speaking of kids, how many children do you want to have? As for me, I'd like ten", he said proudly.

I hope he hasn't started...

"Ten?! Are you out of your mind? Your wife is unlucky", I laughed and shook my head.

"The more the merrier sis. And of course, I'll be rich, so I'll be able to take good care of them all. I'd love them with everything in me", he sighed.

"Well, I'd like just four kids. Two boys and two girls. A boy first, then a girl, then the last boy, then the last girl. Or all four at once"

Chris's head could have fallen off with the speed at which he whipped it to look at me.

"And you're asking if I'm insane?! Four at once? You're crazy!"

"Oh please, you drama king. It'd be cute! When you come to visit, they'd be all 'Uncle Chris!' all at the same time", I smiled big at my imagination.

"Hey, that doesn't sound so bad. I like the way 'Uncle Chris' sounds", he smirked, pulling me closer.

My head rested on his shoulder. Before I slept off, I heard Chris say;

"We'll all make it Ray, I promise", and he kissed my head.

I just smiled...

I got up from Chris's shoulder by myself. He was asleep too.

I stared at him, so grateful to God and his parents for his presence in my life. I got reminded of one thing;

I'd do everything possible not to lose him. I can't lose him...

He started to stir, but I didn't even move or pretend that I wasn't staring.

And he caught me.

"Hey there Raymond", he greeted lazily, still pretty sleepy. "Why are you staring like that? I know I'm good-looking, but cut it out".

I laughed and hit his chest, then I went into him for a hug...

"Thanks, buddy, for everything", I said, tearing up.

"Hey, baby girl, why do you want to cry? What's the matter?", he asked, concern etched in his features.

I didn't hold the tears back, I let them fall.

It was 6 pm already, and we'd been here since 4 pm. I'd called Mom and told her I'd be late anyway, but my mom usually liked when I make an effort. And besides, my dad should be barking by now, but I knew Chris wouldn't let me go, not until I explained the reason for my tears.

"I'm sorry Chris. For being a burden, for ruining stuff, for the inconveniences, I have caused since you've known me. I'm not attractive, I'm bad and I'm, in conclusion, not worthy. I'm so big and disgusting, when I look in the mirror I just want to throw up, so I can imagine how you would feel. I don't know why you're still here.. Still by my side", I cried into his chest.

He sighed.

"Seriously, this again? I don't know how else to make you see yourself for who you are. You're beautiful, first things first, you're brilliant, you're bold, you're an amazing writer and speaker, and you're beautiful on the guitar as well. You're thrilling to be with. You're not big, they're small. I know a lot of people personally, bigger than you in the ninth grade. They're just tiny in our year, stop this twisted thinking of yours. I know you'll say I'm lying to you to cheer you up, but that's your problem to deal with, not mine. I won't go away, I'll not push you away, I'll always be here... I care about you, and I love you. Stop underestimating your worth and value in my life, you don't know how enormous they are. You mean a whole lot to me, and I won't let you go. Not in this life, not in the next. I love you, Rayna, thank you for appearing in my life", he said, my chin lifted with his left hand, looking at me straight in the eyes.

I only cried the more, and I hugged him, so tightly.

"I love you too Chris, I love you too.."

I was done crying by 6:30 pm and after I washed my face, we left the park. Chris walked me home.

We'd reached the doorstep.

He pulled me in for a hug.

"Sleep well kiddo, school's tomorrow", he chided.

"I'm not a kid", I muttered.

"Yeah sure. Goodnight baby girl", he kissed my head.

"Goodnight, see you tomorrow".

He didn't leave until I safely got into the house.

I watched him walk down the street and disappear through the window of the living room.

I love my best friend guys, so so much...