What Is Madness?

Madness is impurity.

...

As Ayanakoji analyzes the patterns of those around him on the bus on the way to school, he once again notices the same pattern within himself, 'Nothing'.

He feels nothing. There was of course a time when he did feel something, but it's been so long now that he has even forgotten why he even started trying so hard to get back those feelings, but still, he continues to try, maybe out of the desperation to truly live.

'Well, it's not like it's desperation either, since that would mean that it's an emotion.

Perhaps it's more like a habit or karmic bond that is beyond my control due to my biology as a human being?

Whatever, thinking in words like this is inauthentic, impure, I'll stop monologing now.'

As he was analyzing his environment, watching a male student not willing to give up his seat to an old lady even after being verbally pressured by a single individual, while simultaneously analyzing his internal state, he notices that a girl sitting next to him reading a book appears to also be analyzing the external situation.

However, he notices that she has come to the wrong conclusion, 'She's probably thinking something about how she thinks I'm expecting her to be a good samaritan and help out the old lady by giving up her seat, but thinks I'm hypocritical for not doing it instead and just expecting others to do it.'

Once the bus stops and the students get off, ready to enter the school, the last two to get out are Ayanakoji and the girl who was sitting next to him.

The girl confirms his suspicions by asking, "Hey you! I noticed you were staring at me on the bus earlier, why was that?".

"Oh, I'm sorry...", Ayanakoji decides that he shouldn't now, nor eventually, call her out on making an incorrect assumption about him being hypocritical, since it's best that his first impression, no matter the range, falls into the category of a regular person, as to prepare for having the intended, normal, high school life he is trying to have.

He decides to play along with the drama that's going on in her head, while also making sure he succeeds at getting his facade's point of view across in an objective way, since she appears to be the type of person who values logic above all else, "...I was just curious cause, well, you didn't want to give up your seat either.".

He made sure to mention here that he was 'curious', meaning that he gave it thought or that his facade-self is someone who feels as though needs a reason even if there wasn't a reason, allowing to give her the dominant power in this conversation and see him as a 'regular' overthinker, rather than a war general analyst towards the most minute of details.

This is where his power-seeking habit slightly surfaces, which is hard to burn off, so by holding back his tendency of responding using the real him's 'based' thoughts, and completely win the argument that doesn't need to exist with this lower mind girl, he then doesn't have to waste time on a useless, and if anything, a pathetic attempt of a conversation on his end.

He then doubles down on humbling himself, "I was wondering if, like me, you would rather stay out of it.".

She responds, "I'm nothing like you. In my case, I stayed silent as a matter of principle.".

'I already guessed as much, but she's the type who doesn't realize that she's the one who can't hold back her own tendency of responding with her own idea of 'based' thoughts and yadda yadda ya of what the narrator-me was thinking about myself earlier.

That also then clearly means that her character isn't that of a person who can feel uncomfortable with the idea of helping a stranger due to inexperience, and in turn, an association with the fear of uncertainty, but instead she is has a twisted view of existence based on the idea of efficiency, meaning that she not only isn't an empathetic person, but she logically prefers herself to be so, all in the name of necessary action.

I can already see it now. She's one of two types of people.

One is where her psychological drama has gotten her to strive to be the best, rather than genuinely wanting to win out of an emotional desire since it just sounds like 'the right thing to do',

or,

it could just be that she genuinely has a sense of a mission that she is trying to accomplish for whatever it is she is fighting for.

If it's the second one, I envy her, and if it's the first one, I can expect her to end up going back and forth between intensive study and long stretches of procrastination, just like those who are on that stupid 'self-improvement' thing that I was wrongly force fed to prioritize in The Whiteroom.

Anyways, ultimately this means that her standing compared to the me she views me as, rather than the real me - since 'that' me is clearly better regardless -, is supposed to be better than her in the aspect that he doesn't have a selfish viewpoint.'

These thoughts go through his head as an instinctive analysis, so he doesn't actually think these things in words.

The only words that he conjures up as internal sounds in his mind however, in order to sum these ideas up, are, "Uh huh, that makes her worse than me.".

"If that's all, goodbye.", and with a hair flick, she arrogantly walks off.

...

'Anyways, time for class now.'