Session 5

1.Akpos Finds America

TEACHER: Akpos, go to the map and find North America.

AKPOS: Here it is!

TEACHER: Correct! Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS: AKPOS!!!

2.Facebook Admin

TEACHER: Akpos, What are you going to become in future?

AKPOS: A Facebook Admin.

TEACHER: I mean what are you going to do for mum and dad when you become a man?

AKPOS: Add them as friends on Facebook.

TEACHER: I mean what are you going to give mum and dad when you start making some money?

AKPOS: Give them my password and my username. One word for Akpos?

3.Will You Beat Me?

AKPOS: Excuse me ma!TEACHER: How may I help you? AKPOS: Will you beat me for something I did not do? TEACHER: No, why would I? AKPOS: Thank God! I did not do my home work.

4.Parachute Landing.

AKPOS: Buy this parachute and land safely On the ground during emergency.CUSTOMER: What if the parachute doesn't open when needed?AKPOS: You will get your money back whenever I See you.

5.Twins Saga

An ugly woman walk in a store with her two kids, yelling at them. Akpors, the store clerk pleasantly said, "Good morning ma'am and welcome. Nice children. Are they twins?" The woman yelled, "Hell no, they are not. One is 9 years old and the other is 7 years old. Why the hell would you think they are twins, are you blind, or stupid?" Akpors replied, "I'm neither blind nor stupid ma'am, I just can't believe someone would sleep with you twice!"

6.Children of Israel

In a Sunday school class one Sunday morning, after a very interesting topic, the teacher asked if there was Any question? Akpos raised up his hand looking very confused.AUNTY: What is your question Akpos?AKPOS: Aunty, you said the children of Israel escaped from Egypt?AUNTY: Yes.AKPOS: The children of Israel also crossed the red sea?AUNTY: Good.AKPOS: The children of Israel also sinned against God?AUNTY: Yea!AKPOS: The children of Israel pulled down the mighty wall of Jericho?AUNTY: What exactly is your question Akpos?AKPOS : Aunty, when the children of Israel were doing all these, where were the Adults of Israel?

7.See Correct Children

Akpos father accompanied him to his school graduation awards party. As they sat watching amidst loud ovations, the beneficiaries were called to the podium for their awards. The following conversation ensued:

ANNOUNCER: Best student in sciences; the winner is Kwame.

FATHER: (applauds and eyes Akpos scornfully) See correct children!

ANNOUNCER: Best student in commercial studies; the winner is Kemi.

FATHER: (hisses and eyes Akpos again) See correct children!

ANNOUNCER: Best student in Arts; the winner is Helen.

FATHER: (fuming with anger) See correct children!

And so, all the awards were presented without any going to Akpos. At the end of the event, they left and went to the car park but as his dad got ready to start the car, the engine refused to respond. He opened the bonnet and touched a few things but his efforts did not yield any response, so they resorted to pushing it. Just as they got to the exit of the school, the rickety car sparked up. Exhausted and profusely sweating, Akpos rested on the gate just as his mates were driving off with their parents in Hummer, Sequia, Infinity, Escalade, Bentley, Lincoln Navigator, Range Rover and other exotic cars. All of a sudden, Akpos burst into laughter.His puzzled father asked, "What's so funny?" Amidst teary eyes, Akpos responded, "SEE CORRECT FATHERS!"

8.Orange

TEACHER: Akpos spell ORANGE?

AKPOS: Which one? The colour or the fruit?

9.Salon Toasting

Lady enter's a barbing salon:AKPOS: Wow! I haven't seen such beauty before! Do you come here often?LADY: Not really.AKPOS: I would like us to know each other better.LADY: Can't you see my finger (showing Akpos a ring on her finger).AKPOS: It doesn't matter. I'm married too.LADY: But my husband will...AKPOS: Oh cut that crap about your husband, we can go places he has never dreamt of taking you to.LADY: Wow! Sounds nice, so what will I tell him? AKPOS: You'll tell the dumb man that you are going for fellowship.LADY: Good, but I think you should tell him yourself, because he is the one barbing your hair.What do you think will happen to Akpos?

10.Do Not Urinate Here II

Akpos was very pressed. But luckily for him, he passed by a lonely school where no eyes was preying.He noticed a sign board behind the school with the inscription that says" DO NOT URINATE HERE". But Akpos ignored the message and satisfyingly did his business beside the sign board. Unfortunately for him, a man, who was apparently the principal of the school, came out and shouted at Akpos, "Are you blind?! Didn't you see the sign board which says 'DO NOT URINATE HERE'?" Akpos replied, "I saw it, but I thought it was the name of the school."

11.Somersaulted Car

A woman giving a testimony on how she survived an accident claimed that the car somersaulted 17 times. Akpos who was who in the congregation stood up and said:

AKPOS: Madam, so of all things to do, you were busy counting how many times the car somersaulted?

12.The Solution

TEACHER: What's the difference between pollution and solution? AKPOS: When a politician drowns in water, that's pollution. But when they all drown, that's solution.

13.A Bag Of Wisdom

When Akpos was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him.Also, because Akpos never lowered his head when addressing him as he expected, there were always arguments and confrontations.One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University, and Akpos came along with his tray and sat next to the professor. The professor said, Mr Akpos, you do not understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat.Akpos looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, You do not worry professor. Ill fly away, and he went and sat at another table.Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper, but Akpos responded brilliantly to all questions.Mr. Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question. Mr Akpos, if you were walking down the street and found a package, and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?Without hesitating, Akpos responded, The one with the money, of course.Mr. Peters , smiling sarcastically said, I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom, dont you think?Akpos shrugged indifferently and responded, Each one takes what he doesnt have.

14.Akpos Will

Akpos who is dying in the hospital is surrounded by his two sons, his daughter, his wife and a nurse. Says to his eldest son:AKPOS: To you, Peter, I leave the Airport houses. To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartment blocks in East Legon. To you, Charlie, being my youngest son with a bright future, I leave the City Center Offices. And you, my dear wife, the three residential building towers at Tetteh Quarshie.The nurse, impressed, tells his wife:NURSE: Madam, your husband is very rich. He has so many properties! You all are so lucky!!And the wife retorts: WIFE: Rich??? Lucky??? Our whole family works for the cleaning company. Those are his Job schedules for cleaning.

15.Akpos Freed

Akpos was being discharged from a Mental Hospital after doctors thought he was finally back to normal. He was put in an ambulance to be taken back home. He claimed he knew the house so he led the doctors.They took him to where he claimed he lived. Just as they approached a certain house, two kids, dressed in uniforms came out of the house. Akpos screamed, "Those are my children going to school!" A minute later, a woman came out of the same house and Akpos screamed, "That's my wife, she is late for work!" This time, the doctors were convinced Akpos was ok and took him out of the ambulance but was still in chains. Just as they were about unlocking the chains, a man came out of the house and Akpos screamed, "YES! THAT'S ME GOING TO WORK!"

16.My Ass

Akpos was staring at Cynthia's throughout the English class. He was startled when she showed up beside him when the class was over... he taught maybe she had come to warn him to stop staring...CYNTHIA: Akpos, please can I have your dic for my ass?AKPOS: (surprised) what?CYNTHIA: I said "can I have your dic 4 my ass?AKPOS: (having been crushing on Cynthia for years) Of course! But, we can't do it here! Erm... at least... let's go to the toilet (he stutters as he feels his manhood rise). He takes hold of her hands and smiles but then Cynthia looks down at his pants...CYNTHIA: Jeez!!! Let go of me! (she snatches her hands from him, looks him in the face and gives him a resounding slap) I only meant "can I have your dictionary for my assignment" Fool!!!

17.Both Of Them

Akpos stops by to visit his friend who is paralysed from the waist down. They talk for a while and then the friend asks, "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my shoes please?" Akpos obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says: "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me up here to make love to you!" They stare at him and say, "That can't be!" Akpos replies, "OK, let's check!" He shouts down the stairs to his friend, "Both of them?" The reply comes back, "Yes, both of them!"

.18.Akpos' Final Exam.

Akpos was taking his final exam at Police College in Kano. Here is one of the questions:

"You are on patrol in the outskirts of Kano when an explosion occurs in the township. On investigation you find a large hole has been blown in the footpath and there is an overturned van lying nearby. Inside the van there is a strong smell of alcohol. Both occupants a man and woman are injured.You recognize the woman as the wife of your Divisional Inspector, who is at present away on a Peace Making Mission In Sudan. A passing motorist stops to offer you assistance and you realize that he is a man who is wanted for armed robbery. Suddenly a man runs out of a nearby house, shouting that his wife is expecting a baby and that the shock of the explosion has made the birth imminent. Another man is crying for help, having been blown into an adjacent Canal by the explosion, and he cannot swim. Describe in a few words what action you would take?"

Akpos thought for a moment, picked up his pen, and wrote: "I would take off my uniform and mingle with the crowd, do you want to turn me to a mad man?"

19.Market Cemetery

Akpos, in a drunken state, was staggering home one night and decided to take a short-cut through the cemetery and got shocked to see the place looking like a market with dead people buying and selling.He ran as fast as he could to a house close to the cemetery and started banging on the door. A guy opened the door.Akpos, breathing heavily said, "Please, let me in! Let me in! I'm just coming from the cemetery where I saw dead people buying and selling!"The guy said, "You passed through the cemetery at this night? Don't you know that in the night, nobody in this town passes through the cemetery? Even when I was alive, I didn't pass through the cemetery at this time of the night!"If you were Akpos, what will you do?

20.My Dear Country

Akpos went to the American Embassy for a student visa, and the process of his interview with the white lady went this way...WHITE LADY: What are you going to the USA for?AKPOS: To study.WHITE LADY: Which city, school and which course do you wish to study?AKPOS: Chicago, Economics and Statistics. These are my admission documents.WHITE LADY: But there are many Universities in Nigeria that offer this course and you still want to travel as far as USA to study the same course? why? I doubt your genuine intention and therefore cant give you the entry visa that you have applied for.AKPOS: (angry) Please give me back my passport let me get out of this place! What do you think is in USA that is not in Nigeria, what do you think that I will see in USA that we dont have in Nigeria here? Do you think that USA is in any way better than this country and if you think that USA is better than Nigeria, then why have you chosen to stay in Nigeria instead of your country America?WHITE LADY: (angry and passionate about her dear country stood up and said) Look Im gonna give you entry visa to USA so that you gonna travel to America and see what is in USA The difference between America and Nigeria. (she stamped the visa for Akpos).

21.A=B=C

TEACHER: If a=b and b=c then a=c. Who can give us a literal example of this mathematical statement?AKPOS: Ma, I love you and its obvious enough you love your daughter, so I love her.