Chapter 4

The way his eyes held spite for me as he spoke plays over and over again in my head. Did I just make a wrong decision?. Was I supposed to allow him trade my body, for favours from someone?. Was I a bad girlfriend because I didn't allow my boyfriend to sell away the last piece of my dignity.

The stares of everyone in the bar makes me realise something I'd always known.

I'm tired. I'm tired of living. I'm tired of living this hell of a life. The sobs escape my mouth, and i collapse on the floor and cry my heart out. I've lost everything. I've lost my parents. I've lost my chance at a future. I've lost the only guy I've ever loved, the only one who made me feel like living wasn't so bad after all, the only person to put a smile on my face, in this wretched world for the past five years. Lucas is gone, my family is gone, my future is gone so what's the point of living.

I see a sea of faces looking at me sympathetically, and I realise I'm not in the little cellar at home where I can cry freely without anyone hearing me. I'm at work. I'm at the only place that has accepted to take an eighteen year old as a waiter. Getting this job in itself was a small miracle, I can't afford to lose it. I look towards the upper floor and the eyes of the  new manager meets mine. There's fury in his eyes, and a clear message. Don't bother coming back.

The shock from having been caught by the new manager who probably deemed that I was never worthy to work at such a place, is less than I expected. My heart is in pieces anyways. I look round and see the silent faces watching me. Some hold disgust, and I wonder what I'd ever done to them. Some hold sympathy, and that's even worse than the disgust as I can feel the tears at the back of my throat threatening to come back up again. Some hold mockery, like they've always known that Lucas was too good for me anyway, how could a girl think she could be happy with such a guy because she loved him. There always has to be a string attached. It's just my fault for not seeing it early enough.

  I walk out of the restaurant with tears leaking freely from my eyes. The night air carries the song of winter with it, and the whole place is awash on Christmas cheer. Everybody looks happy, everyone looks like this is going to be their best Christmas yet, even though it's still a month and some days away, they're already drunk on the fact that Christmas is coming. What am I doing?. I'm walking away from my only source of income, from my only source of happiness, from the realisation that I can never be happy in life.

I embrace the sadness as it comes now, the pain, the sorrow, the suffering, I spread my arms wide voice cracking as i embrace the reality that is my life. I crash on the floor and sob.