MY DADDY

Since the beginning of time, I've always wanted to hide in my own shell. At a young age, I believed in ghosts and other supernatural entities etc. I was a brave yet sort of timid and shy little girl. Aliens and such were always in my mind unlike the little girls my age had.

I was nerd-ish before (still kinda am), a bookworm some would say. A loner or an introvert others would call me (behind my back). You see, my mother left me at birth. Most nights I would think about her. I could remember that about 65% of my nightly thoughts were about her. I missed her at first in my early childhood years but then my image of her started to change from a kind, loving and sweet mother into the cruel and unfaithful traitor as the years went by. I was always jealous of other kids with moms, especially when they bragged about them.

At some point, I came to the conclusion that I hated my mom. I started to hate her even more every time I see my daddy secretly cry when he sees her picture. I don't know why he still keeps it even after all these years. I just don't know…..

My father was the only one there for me. I consider him my knight in shining armour. He is my hero and I'm his princess. He was the only shoulder I could cry onto. The only arms I could run to when I was in danger. He has always been there…I was just too unaware to understand that.

All I knew was that….

1. He was a hard worker.

2. He forgives easily.

3. He is very smart.

4. He still loves mommy.

5. He cares for me a lot.

And finally ....

6. Daddy is a great actor...

And liar

I could always see it in his eyes…every time he pretended that it would be okay. Every time he said that all fairy tales end with a happy ending. Or even when he told me that we'll always be together. He lied to me… I don't like it when he smiles. It never feels genuine. It just never feels….real and happy. It's like there's always that part that feels gloomy somehow.

Everyone considered him to be very out-going, creative, positive and a very well-mannered gentlemen. A little too well-mannered actually. His favourite hobbies were arts and crafts. It had to do something with creating things like pottery or sculpting. His works were just magnificent. They were so good that people would buy them for high prices. One of them even got accepted into an art gallery. I also got into to sculpting and pottery etc. I was age 4 at that time and you would think parents wouldn't give 4 year old kids sharp objects but I guess my dad was different.

Like any other kid, of course I would like things. I barely had any friends, it was either I was unlikable or I was just too shy to approach anyone for a conversation. I don't have any siblings so I'm a full pledged only child. So anyways, I would try to fit in and when my other girl "friends" has things that I don't, I ask for daddy to buy it. It would either be exact or better than what they have. I admit…I'm a show-off. The best part is that he wouldn't deny my requests. I only realize now that I must have been a virus to my daddy's wallet.

And the worst part is that I was the one doing the shouting when angry. He wouldn't get mad; he'd only leave the room without saying a word. He would always tell me as sweetly as possible all I did wrong. I feel like I took advantage of his forgiving trait.

I regret all my actions… almost every single one of them.

My daddy has never hit me. I'd always be the one who punishes myself. He said "I love you" a lot. I'd say it almost never back.

But then.......One day....

I found him on the floor in the kitchen. I was a smart girl and called for an ambulance. He was immediately rushed to the hospital. Daddy was getting paler and paler and paler. I was outside the hospital room, trying to peep in the door windows but was too short to even see anything. It was 3 am in the morning and I was yawning like crazy but I couldn't relax at all. I pressed my ears against the door to hear daddy's voice on the other side. It was faint but I could hear him say to the doctors. "Please…just at least until..... Give me my remaining time with her…" I heard the doctor reply. "But sir I don't think you don't---"Again I heard daddy's voice. "I know…Just please..."

I heard the doctor whisper. "O…Okay..."

"Thank you..." My daddy responded.

I heard footsteps approaching the door. A person's head popped out of the door and whispered to me. "Your dad…he..uh..wants to see you.." I nodded my head and enter the hospital room. There I saw him…..

He was plugged into some sort of machine or something. He was lying on a white bed. I saw him signal the doctors and nurses to leave the room. They seemed to let out deep sighs as they walked past me. Before the last person left the room, he said, "We'll be outside…..so take your...time." He closed the door.

Now it was only us. Just me and him all over again. No one was there for daddy. It was only me. Every step I took towards his hospital bed was one memory of the so called "friends" and "colleagues" he had. It were memories to remind me that they were never there for him. When I reached the side of his bed, I remembered the one person who was supposed to be there by his side. Mommy….She was supposed to be daddy's queen. She was supposed to be there all those years…Not for me...But for daddy! When is the happily ever after part going to come? Where is my happy ending?

I hugged my lion tighter between my arms. It was a lion stuff toy he had bought me for my recent birthday. My 9th birthday, which was about a week ago, "There you are my princess…" He said, as he saw me walk up. I know he saw my concerned face because he sweetly said, "Now, now my dear. It'll be alright…Everything will be okay." He put his hand on my cheek. He wiped the tears forming in my eyes with his pale hand. I felt my heart drop. I gripped his hand, which was on my face, as tight as I could.

I felt his startled hand freeze as I gripped. "What's wrong?" He said. More tears rained down my eyes and onto my bear; soaking its furry head. I stood there silent for a moment until I finally whispered whilst sobbing…

"I know when you lie daddy.." ,I looked up and met his moist eyes. He had the most beautiful smile. Mine can't even compare….I heard him swallow hard. It was just us in the room and it was dead silent. "Will we ever get our happy ending, daddy?" First the first time in my life…his answer was…

"I don't know…..I don't know….." He paused and smiled at me. "I love your mother….I love you Alice…No matter what anyone says…you'll always be my little girl." This was the first time his smile meant something else. I was so lost in my thoughts that I started to feel that daddy's grip was getting weaker and weaker….I had no idea what was going on…or I was just not facing reality.

Ignorance is bliss. Not accepting reality keeps you from getting hurt…I stood there holding my lion…watching as my daddy fell asleep. I felt the urge to whisper to him as he closed his eyes. "Goodnight daddy…I love you too." I said….

Beep Beep Beeeep Beeeeeeeeep...…..

For some reason, the monitors that daddy was attached to just started beeping before going quiet. The nurses and doctors rushed in the room. I stood in the corner to not get in their way. [Are they trying to electrocute daddy?] I thought. I saw them starting to give up and shake their heads. I was so tiny, young and unnoticeable that they didn't see me standing in the corner watching them. They panicked when they realized my presence. A nurse came up to me and knelt down to my height. She put her warm hand on my shoulder. "Your father....He didn't make it…"

"What do you mean?" I responded softly. "He's…" She sadly shook her head. "He's dead.." I was stunned. "You're wrong! Daddy is just sleeping!" I was angry. I pushed her hand off my shoulder. Everyone inside the room gave each other looks, as if saying, " What should we do?" Realization finally struck me. I dropped my lion and ran towards my daddy. I squeezed the blanket cover. [Why…Why does he feel so cold!?] No matter how much I tried to warm him up, it wasn't working. "Daddy!" I shouted.

"I….I love you….I love you..I love you!" I was shouting with tears twinkling down. I hadn't said it enough times. I didn't say on all those times! Daddy needed to respond! I wished he would just respond! He just had to respond!!

My heart was aching. It was painful! I hated the feeling! The feeling of every inch of yourself being ripped apart!

"Is he?....." I heard someone say behind me.

I turned around in shock. Seeing who it was made me burn with anger! I whispered in surprise…..

"Mom?"