But Is That Enough?

2505 words.

Mom didn't allow me to go to the park with Gon. Her excuse being, 'Why a park? That sounds like a hidden plan for abduction or human trafficking.' I rolled my eyes, and what I didn't mention was, 'we're just used to being rich; we've grown accustomed to meeting friends at overpriced restaurants.' But I didn't say that, of course. Mom grew up poor. Even if she momentarily forgot, I'm sure she remembers some semblance of it.

"What?! How am I supposed to see you now?" Gon whined over the phone.

I deflated, cursing at myself for getting my hopes up. We aren't normal, and we'll never be normal. Just accept it, Killua.

"I have an idea!"

Of course.

I sighed, "What's your idea?"

"I work at the Museum of Natural Science-"

"Gon," I interrupted him, giddy excitement causing my voice to stupidly squeak, "you're working, a fifteen-year-old, let alone your first job, as a tour guide? That's amazing!"

"So, I finally impressed Killua Zoldyck!" He snickered, "You're not exactly an easy person to impress."

I stuck my tongue out even though I knew he couldn't see it. You're mistaken. Everything you do, even the way you think, never ceases to amaze me, though I kept those thoughts to myself.

"So, will you go on a date with me?"

My heart stopped for a moment, only to start beating rapidly the next. "Yeah," I whispered.

"Yeah," he whispered back.

And then we whispered our goodbyes. I'd never let anyone know it, and I was embarrassed myself for feeling this way—this dependent, but just calling Gon made the entire day brighter as though his eccentric aura seeped through the telephone lines and dispersed into my atmosphere. It's as if the warmth radiating from his body traveled and wrapped its arms around me in a loving embrace--as if Gon was the personification of everything right in the world. And I just knew I would be lost without him. Lost.

Meanwhile, everything was going well on the family's end of things. I even wondered why and began mentally preparing myself for when everything goes haywire. Mom doesn't know what happened the last time I visited the house, and she probably already knew. Dad pretended as though nothing happened, which was typical, so none of us cared.

Their separation was smooth. Mom moved into our house because she primarily took care of us, it made sense capacity wise, and Father found a small but expensive apartment.

It's as though our problems became minor, and it was as easy to brush off as a leaf barely clinging to scraps of clothing. This gave me room to concentrate on only three things that mattered most: Gon, school, and Alluka.

And while I wish I could say time flew until our specified 'date,' which no one knew about, it didn't. I almost enjoyed it more not having hope in seeing Gon because each passing minute was suffocating. Those few days, hours, and minutes that separated the present and Saturday was nothing but, in the way, an obstacle. I knew I would look back and curse at myself for not enjoying this luxury portion of my life.

To which I indeed regretted. But that's a story for later.

However, it wasn't time that was in the way; it was my feelings, my stupid, naive, childish, but motivating feelings. It was that to which I feared most. This borderline 'worship' of Gon would only serve as a disaster someday, a disaster for him, a disaster to my family, and a disaster to me. And as much as I wanted to throw everything I had at him, and as much as I didn't want to seem closed-off or uninterested, I approached each word and action with caution to avoid clinginess and my nature akin to codependence.

I guess what I feared is that I would only value or appreciate my life when Gon was in it, which told me what my true colors were: self-destructive.

So after minimal sleep, after spacing out of conversations, and after blanking during piano lessons and class lectures, Saturday finally stumbled around the corner.

I attempted to tame my tangly fluff-as-hair, brushed my teeth twice, made sure not to wear a wrinkled pair of shirts and jeans, and continued fooling around with my appearance until I didn't cringe when glancing at my reflection.

Alluka sat outside the bathroom door with a pouty face and arms crossed, "Why can't I come with you to see your friend?"

Because it's a date.

"You'll get to meet him soon." I patted her head.

She rolled her eyes, "Mom, it's definitely a date."

I tried incredibly hard to withhold from a flabbergasted expression.

But Mom didn't budge, "No, Alluka, he's going to meet a friend. His name is Gon."

Alluka mumbled with puckered lips.

Mom drove us over to the museum, and I fidgeted with every possible thing that could be fidgeted with: sleeves, collared shirt, strands of hair; it was endless. I couldn't help but think: Should I act normal? Or am I supposed to act 'romantic'? Would this change anything between us, or could we be the same Killua and Gon I miss with every passing minute? And it was these questions that busied my mind until I found myself subconsciously jumping out of the car and following Mom, only to snap right back into reality when seeing Gon nervously pick his nails amid a crowd of people.

He wore his typical forest-green shirt with, surprisingly, a pair of jeans that remained unblemished from holes or stains. His hair stuck out from all directions, and honey-brown eyes instantly sparkled when meeting mine.

Mom quickly waved her goodbyes, and it seemed like the impossible happened: I'm with Gon—alone from overwhelming impediments and free from shackles and chains, free to do as we please; free to once again live with Gon.

"Killua!" He ran up to me. It was almost awkward like we should've hugged but remained too insecure about carrying out the action, which I understood completely.

"Hi, Gon." He didn't even do anything, and a bubbly smile twisted my face. "So, what do you have planned?"

"Um," He scratched his head, "frankly, I didn't think this would work, so I haven't planned anything."

Was I surprised? No.

"I know!" Gon raised a finger pointedly. And if life was a cartoon, and it was possible for lightbulbs to appear whenever a blockhead fabricates a plan, Gon would be a lightbulb factory.

I rolled my eyes and spoke in an all-knowing manner, "What's your plan?"

"Let's play hide-and-go-seek in the energy section!" He bounced up and down, which looked quite awkward, him being six-feet and all.

Nonetheless, it was strangely adorable.

"Yeah, okay." And I found his childish plan relieving. The title 'date' was intimidating because the fear of unwanted change encroached every corner of my thoughts until I loathed for comfort. Thankfully, it was all for phony reasons because Gon will always be Gon, and that's all that mattered.

Gon counted first, going from heel to toe with every consecutive number just as he had back at camp. And one detail that I never forgot is that Gon always tries his best, even if that meant playing hide-and-go-seek as a teenager. At camp, I found him once camouflaged at the top of a pine tree, and I probably never would've found him if it weren't for the yelp he let out when a pine cone fell on his head.

I hid from both Gon and the faculty under a weird mechanical attraction, knowing I would be in serious trouble if caught by the employees. It was under there I discovered that not once that day, not one moment, a grin faded from my face. I've heard people call romantic feelings 'temporary' or 'momentary happiness,' but I knew without a doubt that whenever the term 'happy' came up, I would immediately think of Gon. Without a doubt.

And it was under there I discovered I was hopelessly and helplessly in love with the biggest moron/ genius the world had to offer.

"Found you!" Gon popped out from nowhere like some descendent of Beetlejuice. I bonked my head on the stupid metal thing; Gon rolled on the floor laughing (legitimately rolled) while I watched with a cocked eyebrow, trying to hold down the similar sensation bubbling in my chest.

"Okay," said Gon, still giggling between syllables, "I know a better place."

When Gon mentioned 'a better place,' I immediately thought of something outdoors or another attraction that had something to do with biology because that's who Gon is. But 'a better place' ended up being the most beautiful room I've ever seen. Calming music of a string quartet wafted in the background, the walls painted pitch-black to accentuate interior decor, silver lining crawled up the corners, red carpet gave off an impression of formality as a way of romanticizing visitors, and the dim light reminded me of the time of night when I'd always go out to explore with Gon—the Gem Vault.

In each glass frame, stationed seemingly ethereal gems of all sorts: diamonds, rubies, emeralds, just everything.

I sucked in a breath.

Gon spoke up, "This room is hidden compared to the rest of the museum. I think many people forget it exists, but this is an area for me to decompress."

I meandered around, holding my hands behind my back and peeking at each stone, admiring the different varieties of reflection each one had to offer. To think everything in the world carries individuality, but to think humans are the only animals capable of the reflective memory to even realize it—a blessing but a curse.

And then I came across my favorite jewel of all: the opal. Gon must've noticed I paused because he suddenly found his way next to me, his breath fogging the glass as he whispered, "this is my favorite, too. This opal wields more color than any other gem. Every visitor quickly glances over it because of an opal's general ranking in rarity. I guess even rocks have stereotypes." He turned to me, "funny, right?"

"It reminds me of you." I immediately started cursing myself out with how cheesy I sounded, but too late now.

"Huh?"

"It brings every color together without a clash. And..." I trailed off when seeing a particular type of smile I've only seen once or twice before: a small curve, completely genuine, and fully content.

"Killua, sing for me?"

"What?" I said off-beat.

Gon inches closer, his head invading the socially constructed space bubble, "Will you sing for me?"

I dipped my head, "Not today."

"But it's been an entire year!" Gon whined.

I laughed despite feeling somewhat disappointed in myself. I'm sure he's disappointed, too. But that was one promise I wasn't sure I'd be able to keep no matter how much effort I put into it. Singing ushered memories that I would now only consider nightmares...just as music later did.

Sorry, Gon, not today.

Gon stuck a snickers bar in front of my face. My eyes widened, his hazel irises danced in a hypnotic fashion.

He remembered.

It was the morning after I first spoke with Gon. I sat on the ledge of the big rectangular windows in the clubhouse and mindlessly stared at the leaves swaying back and forth amongst the wind. The world around me was chaotic—kids jumping over tables and chasing Gon over a snickers bar and screaming with laughter as he would present some acrobatic move to dodge the needy hands.

Suddenly the snickers bar appeared in front of my face, and all the noises went quiet. I glanced up to see Gon, looking down at me with bright eyes and a toothy grin. "I-"

"Do you like chocolate?"

If I weren't caught off guard, I would've responded like: Chocolate is the supreme deity over all life forms. But in actuality, my response was, "uh, yeah." And I timidly (partly prettified from all the watchful eyes of the campers) grabbed the snickers bar and shoved it in my mouth with a crooked smile.

Another kid broke the silence of astonishment, "Wait, why does he get the snickers bar?" Cue the chorus of complaints.

Gon turned back to them and silenced them all, "Maybe you could learn a thing or two from Killua, and you'd find out for yourselves."

Another camper grumbled, "You just gave it to him because you think he's pretty."

"Be quiet, Gaito!" Gon was...embarrassed?

I simply watched with chocolate smeared on the corners of my mouth; I couldn't help but think: thank you, Gon.

For everything.

A snapped out of my trance and back into the present, "You remembered."

Gon showed off a victorious grin, "I figured one year wouldn't be long enough to change your sugar diet." Suddenly, sparkles glimmered in his eyes, followed by droplets running down his face. He was crying. I've never seen him cry.

"Gon-"

He swiftly snuffled and wiped his face with his sleeves. "It's nothing."

I didn't push him, knowing Gon is the type of person to open up when he feels comfortable. Though it greatly concerned me, we dropped the topic. Small talk lingered from there, and when we felt caught up in current events, we calmly laid by the outdoor fountain and closed our eyes to the presence of one another and the faint trickling of water with periodic droplets splashing on our cheeks.

The date blasted all faded emotions of camp to life, dispersing into a colorful atmosphere; it renewed happiness; a date meant living with Gon. That delivered the essence of tranquility, which would busy my mind while bored. It provided a reverie to drift off into and meander when I wanted to escape reality. And it ended with a peaceful feeling when Mother came to pick me up. We said goodbye to each other with a wave, but this time, I remained hopeful another opportunity would bring us together.

I never found out why Gon was crying.

~*~

It was that night.

Alone in my room, snuggled under my cozy blankets, and still giddy from earlier that day. I had to resist instantly calling him when I got home, my subconsciousness telling me that only an obsessive freak would do that. I happily sketched in my notebook, which was a hobby I picked up over time.

And then the phone rang.

I answered immediately once seeing the caller ID. "Gon, how are-" I paused promptly after recognizing something was off. Very off. On the other line, I could only hear sniffing and heavy breathing. For a solid minute, none of us spoke.

"Gon?" I asked hesitantly.

Gon somewhat choked a sob that was probably supposed to serve as a response.

My blood ran cold, "What's wrong?"

Another silence—the longest yet.

"I want to kill myself."