82. Chapter 82

AN: Just a heads up... This chapter goes back and forth between Meredith (in Hawaii) and Derek (in New York). That's a six hour time difference. Because of the time difference the back and forth won't necessarily be happening at the same time.

Staring out the car window at the beautiful scenery unfolding around her, Meredith couldn't help but feel tears stinging the backs of her eyes. It was early afternoon in Hawaii and the weather was perfect, as was the scenery.

The gorgeous beaches.

The magnificent coast lines.

The clear, blue water.

The artistic buildings.

It was Derek who was supposed to be beside her in the cab on the way to the hotel; not Cristina.

She had managed to get some sleep on the plane; enough to feel like she wasn't about to fall down, but not enough for her to be able to make sense of anything that had happened in the last day...two days...three days.

Meredith shook her head. With the staying up with Cristina overnight and the flight and the time change...she had no idea what day or time it was anyway. The airport had said it was Sunday, while it felt like a week had gone by.

"Smile!"

Meredith turned her head, only to be momentarily blinded by the flash. "Not cool, Iz," she mumbled, her hand now covering her eyes. Izzy was sitting in the front seat beside the driver, and had just surprised both Meredith and Cristina with her camera. The blond had long since given up trying to talk to Cristina or shake her out of her near muteness, and had instead become the beacon for bright and bubbly-ness. It was the only way she knew to offer comfort after all else had failed.

Cristina had been silent most of the trip so far. She hadn't said much since she had broken down an hour after her non-wedding. She had chosen the seat on the plane across the aisle from Izzy and Meredith, had pulled a sleeping mask onto her face, and had only pulled it off when the food had been served.

She barely reacted now to Izzy's photo; rolling her eyes and turning back to the window on her side of the car.

Meredith wondered if her best friend was feeling the same way she was. Cristina hadn't expected to share this trip with two other women anymore than Meredith had expected to share her two weeks off with anyone other than Derek.

Izzy exchanged a worried look with Meredith, before turning around in her seat.

Meredith sighed and leaned her forehead against the cool glass. Despite the pain, fear and massive amounts of uncertainty about absolutely everything that had overwhelmed her and pushed her to accept Cristina's plea to accompany her on this trip, Meredith's heart ached.

She had already been second guessing her choice when Derek had shown up at the airport.

She had heard him call her name, but hadn't been able to believe it until she heard it again. And when she had slowly turned around, it really was him.

At first she had thought he would beg her to stay; would force her to choose.

And she had almost wanted him to.

But he had surprised her. He really did understand her.

Too much had happened. Too much had gone wrong. After living the first twenty eight years of her life waiting for the ground to be swept out from under her, a single year of feeling loved and protected hadn't been enough to keep her afloat. As much as she loved Derek – and she really, really did – she couldn't be normal and engaged and fly across the country to meet his family. She couldn't go away with him and have everyone they met think they were normal and engaged. She couldn't do any of this until she could believe it herself.

**

Derek lifted his bag into the trunk of his rental car and slammed the trunk shut, before flashing an apologetic glance at the car rental employee who had witnessed his frustration. He had managed to get himself on a flight to New York a day early, and had managed to get his rental at the earlier time as well; a detail he had forgotten before he had boarded the plane. Alone.

And he had landed alone. And he had gotten the car alone. And now he was going to be driving alone.

He wasn't supposed to be alone anymore.

His mother didn't know he was here early. And, for right now, he wanted it that way. He wasn't even sure if he was going there now. It was late Sunday evening, and he wasn't expected until the same time the next day.

Maybe he would stay somewhere else overnight; give himself some time.

Driving out of the parking garage, he opened the car windows and breathed in the thick New York air he hadn't inhaled in a year, almost to the day.

He expected to feel happy to be home, but didn't. This wasn't home anymore. Home was Seattle.

Home was Meredith, and Derek had to fight with himself not to turn the car around and get on a flight to Hawaii.

As much as he hated himself for telling her to get on the plane, he knew he had made the right decision. She needed this. And it was only two weeks.

At the thought of her, he pulled his cell from his pocket, checking for a message. She would be there by now. She should have called.

His cell was off, and upon trying to turn it on, he discovered the battery was dead.

"Shit," he cursed, trying to remember if he had packed his charger.

After booking himself onto the earlier flight, he had taken a cab back to the hospital to check on his patient, and had then gone home to pack. He hadn't had a lot of time, so he had rushed. Not that he had wanted to spend time in the room that was missing its other occupant.

Sighing to himself, Derek pulled into the first hotel he could find. Nothing would be open this late at night, so if he didn't have his charger there was nothing he could do about it until the next morning.

The valet met him as he exited his car, and offered to take his suitcase.

"I'm good," Derek responded, handing over his keys and a tip. "Thanks."

He pushed through the glass doors to the lobby and approached the overly cheerful receptionist.

"What can I do to help you, Sir?"

"I was hoping I could get a room for the night."

"Of course. For one?"

Derek sighed and nodded. "Yeah...for one."

**

Meredith sat cross legged on one of the wrought iron chairs on the marble balcony attached to the honey moon suite she would be sharing with Cristina and Izzy for the next three days until there were other rooms available for them. It had definitely earned them a curious glance from the bellboy who had helped them with their bags, but none of the three girls had the energy to care right about now.

She sighed and leaned back in the chair as she took in the sight before her, holding her cell tightly in her hands. He was supposed to be here with her, staring out at the beach from the balcony of their suite. She should be wrapped in his warm arms, happy and relaxed and confident.

"Hey!" Izzy said cheerfully, plopping herself down in the other chair. "Have you called Derek yet?"

Meredith shook her head. "No. I feel guilty."

"He said you could come," Izzy reminded.

"I know. It's just..."

"It's just what?"

Meredith shook her head. "We had plans for these two weeks. Big plans. It was...it was important. He was so excited for me to meet his family. We were going to start making plans for..."

"Plans for what?"

"For getting married," she whispered.

"You can do that when you get back."

"Yeah, I know. It's just..." She blinked back tears. "I was really looking forward to it all. And now I'm pathetic and terrified and I...I ran away with two other women instead of going with him."

Izzy laughed. "True. But Derek's McDreamy. He'll understand."

"What am I supposed to say to him?"

"Just tell him how you feel."

Meredith scoffed. "I'm supposed to tell him I feel like there's a vice around my chest, that I'm falling and that I feel like I'm missing a part of myself?"

"You're still recovering from Susan dying. And you mother. And yourself..." Izzu paused and made a face, as if just realizing how many horrible events had compounded in the past few months to affect her friend so heavily. "And so much other crap. Just tell him you need time."

"I don't want to need time."

"Then why are you here?"

"Because I feel like I'm barely hanging on."

Izzy offered her a sympathetic look. "I'm here for you, Mer. You can talk to me if you need to."

"I don't even know what to say. I'm trying to figure out what has changed. Why am I suddenly so scared?"

"I don't know."

"I mean; I've been scared before. But this is different." Her voice cracked and she paused to swallow hard. "Everything feels so...impossible."

"Impossible like 'my life has gone to hell and I need some time to collect my thoughts?'"

She shook her head. "Impossible like 'how do people be happy?' and how am I supposed to be able to make anything in my life work if I can't stop bad things from happening to the people around me?'"

"Mer..."

She shook her head again; fiercely. "Never mind. It's stupid."

"It's not stupid," Izzy attempted, but Meredith ignored her.

Meredith sighed and turned on her phone. "I just need to get this over with." She furrowed her brow as her phone alerted her to the many missed calls and messages. "Nine missed calls..." She murmured.

"He spent a long time trying to get a hold of you," Izzy offered. "Right after the wedding, when you were with Cristina." She stood, knowing Meredith needed privacy. "Cristina wanted to go to the beach soon. How about you meet us there?"

"Okay." She nodded.

"And Mer?" Izzy said, pausing at the door. "Maybe nothing has changed. Maybe that's why you can't figure it out." Izzy left the balcony, closing the door behind her and leaving Meredith to her own thoughts.

Meredith nodded absently, trying to make sense of it all. Though try as she might, not much made sense to her right now. Tempted as she was to listen to the messages first, she was sure she would find it harder to call after hearing his voice, so she hit speed dial one and put the phone to her ear.

Voice mail picked up right away. She wasn't sure if she was relieved or upset.

"Hi, it's me," she began shakily. "I'm here..."She trailed off with a small, bitter laugh. "It's beautiful here. I...kept thinking about you while we drove to the hotel. I miss you, Derek, I do. I...wanted to do this with you." She paused for a moment, before whispering, "I wish none of this had happened. I love you. You can...you can call me back, if you want... It's probably getting late for you right now if you're in New York...or you may be on a plane...I don't know. But you can call me when you get this message." She hesitated. "Please call me." And then she hung up, her heart aching.

None of the missed calls on her phone had been placed since he had shown up at the airport, so Meredith went back into the hotel room and tossed her phone onto the nightstand. She didn't want to listen to them now.

Quickly, she changed into her bathing suit – the one she had bought for her trip with Derek – and pulled shorts and a tank top over it, before heading down to the beach.

Izzy and Cristina had snagged three lounge chairs and were already sipping on colourful, icy drinks with tiny umbrellas and fruit. It was such a stereotype that Meredith almost laughed. Maybe if she didn't feel lost and numb, and her chest didn't feel like it was shrinking around her heart and lungs, she would have been able to laugh.

"Hey, finally. We got you a drink," Cristina said, motioning towards the pink drink sitting on the table.

"Thanks," Meredith mumbled, making a face.

"They're good," Izzy assured her.

With a sigh, Meredith flopped onto the free chair and cautiously took a sip. Then she shrugged. Izzy was right. It was good.

Izzy had drunk about a quarter of her drink, whereas Cristina was almost done.

"Are you okay?" She asked her best friend.

"I'm fine, Meredith."

"Okay...I just... Are you sure?"

"I'm fine," she repeated. "And I don't want to talk." She slammed her glass down onto the small table beside her chair and got up. "I'm going for a swim. Are you guys coming?" The single word sentences were slowly becoming sentences; so even if the sentences screamed avoidance, Meredith was going to let them go for now.

Izzy nodded and got up.

Meredith hesitated, putting her drink down. "I don't really..." She swallowed. Derek had given her two lessons, but she didn't want to go in the water without him. She couldn't go in the water without him. "I'll come to the water at least."

She followed them down and stood right where the water began, allowing herself a smile as the waves pushed the water over her feet. It was nice; warmer than Derek's pond. She closed her eyes and sighed; wishing he was standing next to her right now.

She could imagine exactly what it would be like. He'd be there beside her. Patient. Happy. Probably holding her hand; giving her confidence. Telling her it was okay. She'd smile back at him and cautiously step forward, trusting him to be beside her. She'd pause and he'd shuffle in behind her; his arms snaking around her waist as they looked out at the water together. They'd have a moment; probably a three moment. Maybe even a two. The water wasn't all that scary for them anymore. He'd make her forget all the other people on the beach. He's make her forget her fears. He'd make her forget every bad thing that had even happened to her.

It was what he did every day; helped her to forget the bad.

Helped her to experience the good.

When she reopened her eyes, Cristina and Izzy were both in the water. She took a few cautious steps forward, but stopped when the water was around her knees. This was as far as she would go. She was already at a seven; and that was an optimistic estimate.

It was bright. She had her sun glasses, but would have to get a hat if she was going to be out here for two weeks; especially if she couldn't go in the water to cool off.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?"

Meredith turned her head to find a man in a red bathing suit standing beside her, smiling.

She nodded. "Yes. It is."

He raised an eyebrow. "Aren't you going in?"

She shook her head. "This is far enough. Swimming...isn't exactly my thing."

He pursed his lips and took a step closer to her. "If swimming isn't your thing, maybe you and I could get a drink and find out what your thing is...?" He smirked suggestively.

Meredith felt her stomach roll. Now she was at an eight. "No thanks. I'm here with my friends and-"

"They can come," he cut her off. "I have friends too. I'm sure we could all get along; figure out our thing together."

"I'm engaged," she stated, finishing what she had been going to say when he cut her off. "And we're fine by ourselves."

He narrowed his eyes. "Engaged, huh? Then where's the ring?" He looked pointedly to her left hand.

"It's here," she responded shortly, annoyed at this guy's presence, as she reached for the chain around her neck, but sputtered when it wasn't there. Panic gripped her. The ring was her tie to Derek right now. Where was it? She had had it at the airport; she knew. She remembered Derek pulling it from under her shirt and pressing it into her hand. It was on a good, strong chain. It wouldn't have broken...

Relief washed over her as she remembered having it in the hotel room. She had taken a shower when she arrived, and had taken off the chain. It must still be on the counter in the bathroom.

"It's in my room," she corrected, crossing her arms across her chest.

"You could take me there to show me," he said suggestively.

Meredith rolled her eyes before glaring at the man. "Please just go away."

"Come on. Have some drinks with me. I'll buy."

"Go away," she repeated.

He seemed to take the hint this time and turned away from her, wandering down the beach to the next unsuspecting woman. "Jackass," she muttered.

"Who was that?" Izzy asked, coming out of the water.

"Just some jackass who doesn't know the work no."

"He was hot," Cristina stated. "You should get him back here."

Meredith rolled her eyes. "I'm engaged."

Cristina scoffed. "Like that means anything these days. I'm getting another drink."

"She wasn't talking about you and Derek," Izzy said quickly when Cristina was out of earshot.

Meredith was surprised to feel herself blinking back tears. Nine. Definitely a nine. "I know," she said meekly. "But Derek is probably thinking the same thing right now, isn't he? I abandoned him."

"No, you didn't."

"Yes, I did. If he had done this to me I would have felt abandoned."

"Yeah, but you have abandonment issues. He knows that."

"He would never do this," she repeated, knowing it was the truth.

Izzy nodded carefully. "Probably not."

Meredith shook her head as a single tear streaked down her cheek. "Then why am I doing it? Why am I running from him?"

"Because you're scared. You're allowed to be scared after everything that's happened."

"But he hasn't done anything to make me run from him. He hasn't done anything other than..."

Izzy cocked her head. "Other than what?"

More tears fell from her eyes and she furiously swiped her hand at them. "He hasn't done anything other than be there for me, through everything," she whispered. She looked up and met Izzy's eyes. "Maybe you were right before. Maybe nothing changed. Maybe I'm just weak and pathetic and freaked out."

Her roommate sighed and shrugged. "Maybe you did freak out, but Meredith, you're not weak or pathetic. You're scared."

"I have no reason to be scared of him, of any of the things we were supposed to do together."

"It's scary, to meet your future family-in-law, even when all the crap that happened to you didn't happen."

"I was supposed to meet them months ago. It shouldn't matter now."

"Because it's not the only factor to consider, Meredith. Think of how many things have happened in the last...three months alone. You've been through hell."

Meredith inhaled a shuddery breath. "I listened to Burke say all those horrible things to Cristina, and I couldn't help but hear the same words coming from Derek," she admitted quietly. "It has nothing to do with meeting his family. It has nothing to do with the future we have planned. I just...froze. And I can't get those thoughts out of my head."

"Derek would never say those things to you." Izzy's eyes glazed slightly. She wasn't about to cry, but she was affected still by the words Burke had spoken. "He loves you."

"I know he does, but..."

"But what?"

"I..." She trailed off when she realized she had nothing to say.

Izzy sighed and hooked an arm around her roommate. "What your father said wasn't true, Meredith."

"This has nothing to do with my father."

"Sure it doesn't." Izzy's tone was full of sarcasm. "I was there when you came home after having dinner with him the first time."

"He's not even...he doesn't mean anything to me."

"But he's your father. He was supposed to love you no matter what, and he left."

"That was a long time ago."

"And then you let him back into your life, Susan died and he said horrible things."

Meredith took two steps out of the water, so it was now at her ankles. She was quickly approaching a ten, and she couldn't be in the water when she hit ten.

"This idea you have in your head about people leaving you? Your father put them there." Izzy continued.

"But it should have nothing to do with Derek."

"But it does. You're scared of losing him."

She nodded. "Even though he hasn't given me any reason to be."

"Sometimes you have to jump, Meredith. Just take the leap. Derek's a good man. He's not going anywhere. He'll take the leap with you." Izzy placed a supportive hand on Meredith's shoulder. "Look at you now. You're in the water; not very far, but still...you're facing your fears."

Meredith allowed herself a small smile. "Progress."

**

Derek pulled into the long driveway that led to his mother's house and parked behind the dark blue SUV that belonged to his sister.

He turned off the ignition and sighed. It had been a long time since he had been here. And he hadn't expected to be showing up alone.

With a glance to the empty passenger seat, he shook his head and let himself out of the car. He still hadn't called his mother to let her know he would be early. It was early evening now. He had wallowed in the hotel until check out time, and had driven around, wasting as much time as possible, before finally turning in the direction of his mother's house.

He pulled his suitcase out of the trunk and dragged it up to the front door.

And then he paused. A year ago, he would have pushed through the door with an 'I'm here!'

Now he knocked and waited.

He ran a hand through his hair and sighed.

Footsteps echoed on the other side of the door.

He took a deep breath and forced a relatively happy expression to his face. His family couldn't know how wrong things were for him. He could do this. He had spent decades hiding his true feelings from him family. He could get through a week or two now.

The door opened, revealing Derek's stepfather. In his late sixties, the older man's hair was wiry and grey, and his face was showing creases and wear. But he still had the same warm smile he had had when he had first met Derek's mother.

"Derek!" Brian greeted cheerfully. "We weren't expecting you for another couple hours."

"I, uh, caught an earlier flight." It wasn't a lie exactly. He stepped into the front hallway.

"It's good to see you," Brian offered, shaking Derek's hand. "Your mother has missed you terribly."

"It's good to see you too," Derek said honestly. He didn't miss New York, but he did miss his family.

His hand still on the door, Brian looked passed his stepson, before meeting his eyes. "Weren't you supposed to be bringing this girlfriend your mother's been telling me about?"

"Yeah...she, uh...there was an emergency. She's not going to make it."

After a long moment, where Derek thought Brian was going to question things further, he nodded and closed to door. "I'm sorry to hear that, Derek. I know your mother wanted to meet her."

"She will. Soon. It's just...things were out of our hands."

"Who's at the door, Brian?" The voice of his mother called from the living room.

"Come and see for yourself, Jane," Brian called back.

Footsteps sounded around the corner, and then his mother came into view. She smiled warmly and sped up when she saw him.

"Derek! You're home!" She strode forward and wrapped her arms around him, hugging him tight.

"Hi, mom," he greeted, hugging her back, surprised to feel a slight stinging against the backs of his eyes.

She pulled back, leaving her hands on his shoulders as she took in his appearance. "You look good, honey. We've missed you out here."

"I've missed you too, mom."

She clucked her tongue. "You're just saying that."

He smiled and shrugged, playing along.

She shook her head at him, before releasing his shoulders and glancing around the front hall. "Where is Meredith?"

His chest tightened. "She's not going to make it."

Jane's expression turned from curious to worried.

"She's sorry she can't make it," he said quickly, not wanting to deal with his mother's questions. "And I know I should have called and told you ahead of time, so I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. Everything just happened so fast and-"

"Oh, honey, what happened?"

He shook his head quickly, willing the stinging behind his eyes to stop. "Her best friend was supposed to get married two days ago. Her fiancé left her at the Church, moments before the wedding. Cristina needs Meredith right now. It couldn't be helped.

His mother looked for a moment like she was going to question his reason, but then she nodded. "I'm so sorry to hear that. The poor girl. But it's good that Meredith is going to be there for her." She didn't believe his response, but she was going to accept it. For now. "Well, come and say hi to your sister. You won't believe how big the kids are getting..."

**

After barely sleeping for over a week, Meredith wished she could sleep now. She had gotten a few hours on the plane, but with the time difference, she should be ready to sleep more. With the time she had lost, she should be able to sleep for days.

But she couldn't sleep now.

The mattress was soft. The sheets were cool and smooth. The air was light and clear.

She should be able to sleep, but she couldn't because it was Izzy's and Cristina's breathing she could hear, and not Derek's.

She didn't want to sleep without him anymore.

Apparently she couldn't sleep without him anymore.

Her fingers tightened around the cell phone clutched in her hands. She had been in Hawaii for a little over twelve hours. It had been eleven since she had called him and left a message. He still hadn't called back.

She knew it was very early Monday morning in New York and the middle of the night in Seattle, but still...she wanted him to call. She didn't have any right to be upset; not after what she had done to him. But she wanted him to call. She needed to hear his voice. She needed to know she hadn't ruined everything in her life.

Tears welled in her eyes. She sucked in a breath and counted to three, willing herself not to cry.

How had she gotten to this place?

Two weeks ago, everything had been fine. Hell, everything had been wonderful. She'd been almost finished with her internship. She'd had a step mother and a sort-of father. Her best friend had been about to get married. And Meredith had been engaged, happy and looking forward her and Derek's trip more than anything.

And now...now everything had fallen apart. Susan was gone. Thatcher had said horrible things. Burke was gone. Cristina was broken. Derek was either three or six time zones away; which, she didn't know. And she was in Hawaii for the next two weeks without him.

The tears streamed down her cheeks, to be absorbed by her pillow. She fought to keep her breathing under control. The last thing she needed to do was gain the attention of her friends. But her chest ached so badly that she could barely hold back the sobs threatening her.

God, how she wanted him beside her.

She wanted his arms around her, his chest pressed up against her back and his even breaths falling against the back of her neck.

She wanted to tell him all her fears and have him promise her everything was going to be okay.

But he couldn't do that. He would, she knew. But she had prevented that. She had run from him, from everything, when she should have been running to him.

She had dug her own hole, or whatever.

**

Derek winced as his bedroom door creaked. It was almost five in the morning on Tuesday, and he had finally given up trying to sleep. After arriving the night before, he had had dinner with his family, and then played with Kathleen's kids until they had been sent to bed. He had quickly used the excuse of his flight, and had gone to bed as well.

Only he hadn't been able to sleep.

He had tried calling Meredith, but her phone had gone straight to voice mail. The sound of her voice in the outgoing message had done little to settle his worries. He wanted to hear her voice live.

Somewhere around two in the morning he had jumped out of bed with the determination to drive back to the airport and get on a flight to Hawaii. He had been half dressed before he had stopped himself.

She needed time. He didn't even know where they were staying. This wasn't a good decision.

If he hadn't heard from her in a few more days, that's when he would go to such extremes.

With a heavy heart, he had gone back to bed.

But still, he hadn't slept.

He had watched his alarm clock approach three, and then four, and then five.

Unable to stand watching the digits actually change to 5:00, Derek got up.

The hallway outside his room was quiet. He padded past several closed doors to the stairs, and descended quietly, allowing himself a smile when he remembered to skip the second to bottom step. It creaked.

The living room was dark as he made his way to the kitchen. He wasn't hungry, hadn't had an appetite in days, but after his long flight the day before, he was thirsty. It was going to be a long day. Only Kathleen had arrived the night before, but Meg was expected today, along with a brother in law and lots of kids. And with his sudden bout of insomnia, Derek already knew it would be a struggle.

He pushed through the two way door leading to the kitchen, expecting to head for the fridge, but paused as he smelled something sweet. Pausing to sniff, he turned and sighed and he met his mother's eyes from the table.

"Help yourself to a cup of tea," she said, motioning towards the tea pot, "And then come and sit with me."

He nodded, and did as he was told.

"Why are you up so early," he asked, sitting down across the table from his mother.

She smiled at him. "I had a feeling you'd need someone to talk to."

He swallowed hard. "I'm fine, Mom."

"Hmm," she responded, in that way that told him she didn't believe him for a second.

"I am," he insisted.

"Derek, honey, what happened?"

He shook his head aggressively. "Nothing. Everything is fine."

"The only time I saw you smile yesterday was when you were with the kids. Other than that you were practically catatonic."

He raised an eyebrow. "Are you a doctor now?" He asked lightly.

She smiled. "When you spend enough time around them, you pick up some terms. But let's not change the subject."

"I was tired from my flight yesterday. I'm sorry."

"And that's all?" She asked, though he knew it wasn't really a question.

"Things have been...hard lately. We've been dealing with a hell of a lot of crap."

"And now you're here by yourself."

"Meredith really is with Cristina," he insisted. "Cristina practically got left at the altar, so Meredith and Izzy went with her to Hawaii. She needs them."

"I believe you, Derek. But there's more."

He forced a smile to his face and shook his head. "I miss her. I was looking forward to bringing her here. She was looking forward to being here. That's all."

Very slowly, Jane stood, moved around the table and pressed a kiss to her son's cheek. For a moment, Derek thought he had pulled it off. But then his mother sat beside him. "You've always been a good son, Derek. And a good brother."

He furrowed his brow, not knowing where she was going with this.

"And I think we've taken you for granted."

"What? No."

She nodded, stopping him before he could continue. "You've been too good to us, Derek. We let you give up parts of yourself for us. We took more than we gave to you."

"That's not true."

"It is true. I talked to Nancy after she went to visit you-"

"What I said to Nancy...I was just mad at her for showing up unexpectedly. I didn't mean it."

"But you did. Derek, I've missed you desperately this past year, but I'm glad you left. You're where you belong in Seattle. You're a different person. You're happy. You're allowing yourself to be who you really are, who you really want to be. Nancy showed up unexpectedly. She surprised you. And the things you had to say were real. They're the way you feel. And that's important, Derek. You've always taken care of us first."

"It's what Dad would have wanted," he said quietly. "And it's what I wanted."

"I know. But you deserve the same in return. You can talk to me, Derek. I love you."

He nodded. "I love you too, mom."

"You don't have to talk, but I want you to know that you can." His hand fell on his back, and for a long moment neither of them said anything.

He closed his eyes and sucked in a deep breath. Meredith had taught him it was okay to be weak sometimes. It was okay to rely on others. This was his family; his mother. He could do this.

"Meredith's step mom died last week."

Jane furrowed her brow. "I thought she didn't have-"

"She doesn't. Her father is a spineless bastard who left when she was five because he couldn't stand up to her mother. He got remarried and had two more girls. He still lives in Seattle. We only met him and his wife, Susan, a few months ago. We were getting to know them. Susan was amazing. But she died. It was stupid. She had the hiccups. Had a safe procedure, got an infection, became septic and died."

"That's horrible. Poor Meredith."

He nodded. "Thatcher blames her. He showed up at the hospital the day of the funeral... He said horrible things to her. And she got this look in her eyes that wouldn't go away. And then Burke left Cristina on their wedding day, and Cristina needed her friends."

"But what's got that look in your eyes?"

"She's hurting and she's scared. And I can't be there right now. She needs time, and it's killing me to give it to her, but I know it's what she needs, despite how much I want to get on a plane to Hawaii right now. After everything that's happened in the past few months, she got hit with too many things." His mother knew about most of it. She knew Meredith's mother had passed away. She knew Meredith had been in an accident.

"I'm sorry, Derek."

He shook his head quickly. "It's not what you think. This isn't her fault. She didn't... We didn't... We're still... She just needs time."

"And you're a good man for giving it to her."

"I love her, mom."

She smiled warmly. "I know you do. And from my conversation with her, she does too."

He almost laughed at the reminder of the morphine incident. "I'd forgotten about that." Derek sighed. "I really wanted to bring her out here. I really wanted her to meet you."

"I wanted to meet her too."

Derek hesitated for a long moment, before meeting his mother's eyes. "I asked her to marry me."

"Derek..."

"We're getting married. As soon as we recover from all the crap life's thrown at us."

"I'm happy for you, Derek."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I wanted to tell you in person. I just never expected to be..."

"Telling me alone?"

"Yeah. I really wanted for her to be here. I really wanted you two to meet. She's amazing, mom. She really is."

Jane placed her hand on her son's hand and squeezed. "I'll meet her soon, Derek. I still haven't made it out to Seattle to visit. When things calm down in your life I'll fly to Seattle and meet her there."

"I'd really like that."

The door to the kitchen opened, drawing both of their attentions away.

Kathleen's youngest appeared.

"Morning, Katie," Jane greeted her granddaughter.

"Morning, Grandma," the six year old returned. "Morning, Uncle Derek."

He smiled. "Morning, Sweetie. What's got you up so early?"

She padded towards the table and wedged herself between their chairs. "Cause the best cartoons are on early. Mommy and daddy won't watch them with me."

Derek scooped her up and sat her on his lap. "The best cartoons, huh?"

She nodded. "Uh-huh." She smiled and cocked her head as she stared up at him. "Will you watch them with me, Uncle Derek? Please?"

Ignoring his mother's knowing gaze, Derek nodded and kissed the small girl on the forehead. "Of course I will, Katie. Early cartoons are my favourite too."

The little girl smiled brightly and jumped off his lap, heading to the living room.

Derek sighed and stood. "Well, it seems I'm off to watch some cartoons."

Jane shook her head at him. "You're a pushover."

He shrugged. "I haven't seen her in a year."

"You were a pushover a year ago."

**

After watching several hours of cartoons, Derek was relieved when Meg and her husband, Scott, arrived, with their brood of kids. The kids were excited to see him for the first time in a year, but quickly lost interest and took off with their cousins for the backyard.

"Derek, I missed you," Meg greeted him warmly, wrapping her arms tightly around his neck and hugging him tight. He hugged her back, just as tight. Meg was only a year and a half younger than him. They had grown up very close.

"I missed you too, Meg. The kids are getting so big."

She pulled away and nodded. "I know. It makes me want another."

"Because six aren't enough?" Scott spoke up. His brother-in-law was a year older than Derek, and after having spent much of his childhood and teenage year in England, had a hint of an accent.

"Not when you could have seven."

He rolled his eyes before shaking Derek's hand. "Your sister is going to be the death of me."

Derek smiled. "Hey, I've had to put up with her for a lot longer than you have."

He and Scott laughed together as Meg huffed and shot them both a glare.

"Anyway, we should unload the car." She smiled at Derek. "Could you give us a hand?"

Derek nodded and followed them out to the driveway. They had come in two cars; a necessary evil when you had six kids and six kids worth of stuff to pack. It took them two loads each just to get everything in the front door. It took another half hour to organize what bags went where. And it wasn't until everything was finished that Derek realized neither on them had mentioned Meredith. His mother must have called to give them a heads up.

He wasn't sure if he was grateful or not.

**

The morning quickly became the afternoon and Derek busied himself by playing capture the flag and hide and seek with the kids. And by the time dinner rolled around, he was completely exhausted. He sat with his family and tried to follow the conversation, but found himself struggling. He helped with the dishes and said goodnight as the younger kids were sent to bed. He played a board game with the older kids until they too were sent to bed. Finally, he had had enough and excused himself. Hopefully tonight he would be able to sleep.

He made it up the stairs and to his bedroom, collecting a towel and a change of clothes, before heading down the hall for the bathroom. The warm water of the shower caused his eyelids to droop, and when he finally padded back down the hallway to his bedroom, he could barely keep his eyes open. Tossing the damp towel over the back of the desk chair, he collapsed onto the bed and let his eyes finally close.

He was so tired that he forgot that he had taken his cell phone down to the kitchen with him hours earlier, hoping to hear from Meredith.

**

"Is Derek okay?" Meg asked worriedly, after having watched her brother's weary form exit the living room.

"He's fine, dear," Jane replied. "He's just had a stressful couple of weeks."

"Where is Meredith?"

"She couldn't make it."

"Did she leave him?"

"No. I really don't think so. I think they're just being tested right now."

"Poor Der." She glanced at her husband, who offered her a sympathetic look.

"Derek needs our support right now," Kathleen spoke up. "He'll be okay."

Meg nodded. "I just want him to be happy."

"We all do, dear," Jane replied, before smiling. "I'm off to bed. It's getting late, and I promised a certain granddaughter of mine that I would watch the good cartoons with her tomorrow."

"And you call Derek the pushover," Kathleen spoke up.

Jane clucked her tongue. "Keep that up, and I'll send Katie in to wake you up first thing tomorrow morning."

Kathleen made a face. "I'll stop. I'm going to bed now, and sleeping in tomorrow. I've been looking forward to being able to sleep so long for a week."

"You and me both," responded her husband with a yawn.

They soon headed up for bed, along with Jane and Brian.

"Did you want to go to bed too?" Scott asked his wife.

Meg shook her head. "Nah, let's watch some TV." As a family physician, married to a nine to five business man, she probably got the most amount of sleep on a regular basis out of all the Shepherd siblings, despite the fact that she had the most kids.

They settled on the couch with an old movie, but after about twenty minutes, she hit the mute button on the remote.

"What are you doing?"

"Shhhh," she hissed at her husband, holding up her hand. "Do you hear that?"

"No, I don't hear anything, because you turned off the bloody sound."

She swatted at him. "Not the TV you idiot. There's something..." She trailed off. "It stopped."

He pulled the remote from her hands. "Then turn the sound back on, or we won't know what's happening."

Meg rolled her eyes, but allowed him to turn on the sound, deciding she must have been hearing things. However, close to an hour later she heard the noise again.

"Okay, now I know I can hear something."

The movie was on commercial, so Scott turned off the sound without argument. "I don't hear anything."

"Well, I do. It sounds like... I think it's a ring tone."

She stood and stepped forward, pausing and turning as she tried to figure out which direction is came from.

The kitchen.

Quickly, she headed towards the door, pushed it open and paused. The kitchen was dark and quiet. She couldn't spot a phone anywhere.

She turned, only to smack against a solid object. Her husband.

His hands reached to steady her. "I don't hear anything," he whispered.

"Me neither." She sighed. "But there was something."

"If it was a ring tone, we'll figure it out in the morning. It's not like it won't keep till then."

"Okay," she agreed, following him back to the couch and curling up against him. The movie was nearing its end, and she was determined to stay awake for it. It was getting late; almost midnight.

In the last moments of the movie, she heard the ring tone again and groaned. "It's ringing again. What if it's something important?"

Scott sighed. "Well, hurry up and see if you can find the phone before it stops ringing this time."

She hurried for the kitchen, but didn't make it in time. So she stood in the dark, waiting.

"What are you doing?" Scott asked, poking his head into the room a few minutes later.

"I'm waiting. I can't see it, but I know there's a phone here somewhere. It'll ring again."

"Are you sure? I never heard anything."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm sure."

He stepped forward and grabbed her hand. "Let's go to bed. We'll deal with it in the morning."

"Okay." She laced her fingers through his and allowed herself to be led back to the living room again. The move was over, and she reached for the power button on the television, blanketing the living room in darkness.

They moved together towards the stairs, and she was lifting her foot to the first step when she paused again and turned, listening hard.

"We'll find it tomorrow," Scott repeated.

She shook her head. "It's not the phone. I think I heard-" A faint sound reached her again and she nodded. "I think someone is knocking on the door."

He kissed her. "I think you're losing it."

"I'm serious."

"So am I."

"I heard something."

"Sure you did-" He cut off as a slightly louder knock sounded.

She gave him a pointed look. "Tell me you didn't hear that."

"I definitely heard that. Stay here."

"Why?"

"In case it's a burglar."

She rolled her eyes. "Why would a burglar knock?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's a stupid burglar."

"Then we have nothing to worry about."

He sighed. "Megan..."

"I'm coming with you."

"Fine, but stay behind me."

Carefully, they moved through the living room to the front hall way.

Padding up to the front door, Meg pressed her face to the peep hole. "There's definitely someone out there," she whispered, trying to focus. A slim form was standing on the front porch, holding something up to its head.

She heard the ring tone again. "Whoever they are, they're calling the phone I keep hearing."

"Okay, get behind me. Let's see who it is."

Meg stepped back and watched as her husband cautiously pulled open the front door.

The figure on the porch spun around at the noise, revealing a woman, a few years younger than Meg, with dirty blond hair, dressed in jeans and a long sleeved tee shirt, clutching to a cell phone. The woman looked exhausted, her body hunched and her eyes wide with worry.

"Can we help you?" Scott asked, glancing around before relaxing.

"I, uh..." The woman lowered her phone from her ear. She swallowed hard. "I was trying to call, but..." She trailed off, clearly nervous. "I know it's late. I'm sorry. It's super late. And I shouldn't be here now. I was supposed to be here hours ago. Well, actually I was supposed to be here yesterday, but with the new plan, hours ago. But my flight was late...well one of my flights. When you decide to fly from Hawaii to New York at the last minute, you have to take several flights. And late. Very late. And then I got on the wrong train. And the first cab took me to the wrong place. And I... I think the cab driver just ditched me. But in my defence; aren't they supposed to know where the roads are? It's not my fault I don't know the area." She paused for a breath. "This whole thing was stupid. Twenty-four hours ago, when I had this crazy idea, it seemed like a good idea to surprise him, but now...now I realize how stupid that was, because it's midnight and I'm on your porch and you probably think I'm a lame ass loser. Or crazy. Probably crazy. But I'm sorry." She sucked in a breath. "I hope I have the right place. I...I think I do. Is, uh, is Derek here? Derek Shepherd? Is this the right house?"

Meg smiled and stepped forward, passing her stunned husband. "You must be Meredith."