83. Chapter 83

AN: I think this chapter will explain why the last few chapters had to happen the way they did. I'm sorry about the delay; I just wanted to make sure everything was included. And just in case there is any lingering worries, Meredith going to Hawaii was 'the thing I was sure I'd be hated for.' Thanks for reading!

Derek jolted awake at the sound of a knock coming from the wrong side of the bedroom. He sat up and ran his hands over his face, trying to make sense of his surroundings, and as the darkened room around him gradually came into focus, he realized why the knock had sounded from the wrong side of the bed; because he wasn't at home. This wasn't the bed or the room he shared with Meredith.

He sighed heavily; trying to take solace in the fact that he had, at the very least, finally gotten some sleep.

The alarm clock beside the bed showed it was a little after midnight.

The knock sounded again.

He shook his head and swung his legs over the side of the mattress, before reaching to turn on the lamp. It was probably one of the kids. Hopefully he would be able to send them back to bed quickly, and would be able to finally get back to sleep. Standing, he stretched his stiff limbs, and headed for the door.

Swinging open the door, he furrowed his brow at the sight of his brother-in-law standing in the hallway where he had expected a child.

"Scott. I thought you were one of the kids."

Scott raised an eyebrow, a smirk playing across his face. "What gave me away?"

Derek shook his head as he fought back a yawn. "Look, man, I haven't slept in three days and-"

"We found something on the porch," Scott said, cutting him off.

Derek ran a hand across his face, suddenly wondering if this was all a dream. "You found something on the porch." He repeated, hoping the statement would make more sense if he repeated it.

It didn't.

Scott nodded. "Something I think you're missing."

"What are you talking about?"

Scott stepped back, and tilted his head to the side, motioning for Derek to look down the hall.

Derek took a cautious step forward and craned his head to see past his doorway.

And, as he sucked in a breath, he was sure he was dreaming.

Meredith stood in the hallway next to his sister, clutching her shoulder bag, a suitcase beside her.

He blinked, and she was still there. "Mer..."

Scott nodded. "Now that we've established she's not a remarkably smart and well-researched burglar, making up a story to get into the house, we can go to bed."

"But..." Meg began, only to trail off when he husband grabbed her hand and tugged her gently towards their room.

"You can get to know her in the morning. It's late and they need time."

Derek barely heard the short conversation. The next thing he knew, he was moving towards Meredith without any conscious decision to do so. His arms found their way around her waist and closed tightly.

Without any delay, Meredith's arms snaked just as tightly around his neck. "Derek..." she murmured.

He closed his eyes and buried his face into the crook of her neck, breathing her in. "You're here," he whispered. "You're here."

Her arms tightened around his neck as she pulled herself even closer to him. "I'm so sorry, Derek. I'm sorry. I'm sorry..." Her voice cracked, sounding like she was about to cry. "I'm so sorry..."

His heart constricted at her broken tone, and he pulled away. "Come on," he murmured, reaching for the handle of her suitcase with one hand and guiding her into the privacy of his bedroom with the other.

She said nothing as she crossed through the doorway, and stopped between the door and the bed, her body stiff and her eyes filled with uncertainty.

Derek released the handle of the suitcase and closed the door, before turning and meeting her eyes.

Meredith opened her mouth, as if to say something, but paused.

In a heartbeat, Derek closed the gap between them and pressed his lips against hers.

She kissed him back, her hands resting on his shoulders and her body pressed to his, but not in the deep, passionate way that would lead to something.

Derek broke the kiss to peck her on the lips, cheek and forehead, before pressing his forehead against hers and closing his eyes, revelling in the feeling of having her so close; of being able to touch her and hold her and smell her.

God, he had missed her.

Her hands slid down from his shoulder to his chest, and her fingers closed around his tee shirt. He snaked his hands around her waist and rested them on the small of her back.

"I can't believe you're here," he whispered.

She shuddered against him, but didn't pull away. "I'm so sorry I ran, Derek."

"You didn't run," he reassured. "You needed time."

This time she did pull away, but only far enough to meet his eyes. "I did run. I was... I was so scared. Of everything. One thing after another just kept happening and then Burke..." She trailed off for a moment to collect her thoughts. "I love you and I trust you," she told him, meeting his eye. "But Burke left Cristina on their wedding day. Their wedding day! They were supposed to get married and be together forever. And they met when we did. And he was an attending and she was an intern, just like we were. And they got engaged around the time we did." She closed her eyes for a long moment, and when she reopened them, they didn't meet his. "And I couldn't help but hear the same words he used coming out of your mouth."

"Mer, I would never-"

"I know," she said, cutting him off. "I know. But in that moment, after everything..." She sniffed, and hesitantly met his eyes again. "I couldn't make my mind rationalize that. Cristina was so broken... If that were me, I... I don't know how I'd be breathing."

"We're not them," he reassured, his heart breaking for her, but extremely grateful she was here, in New York, in his arms, disclosing her fears to him.

Surprising him, she smiled. It was small and hesitant, but it was there. "I know. I missed you the whole time I was gone, and I hated that you weren't there with me. I couldn't get a hold of you, and then after a day in Hawaii I finally allowed myself to listen to all the messages you left for me and I..." She shook her head as tears welled in her eyes. "I realized how stupid I was being and I got on a plane."

"It wasn't stupid."

"It was."

"Meredith-" He was cut off when her fingers came down against his lips.

"Just...let me get this out." She cocked her head and bit down momentarily against her lower lip. "I remembered, back right before Denny died, when Izzy said she would rather be running towards someone than away. And I realized that no matter how scared I was, and how impossible everything seemed, I would rather be scared and with you, than be scared and away from you, because you... You can make the fear go away."

Derek smiled as he felt tears well in his own eyes. "Did you practice that?"

She almost laughed. "I spent more than twenty-four hours travelling to get here. I had a lot of time to come up with something to say."

He kissed her lightly. "I love you."

"I love you too."

He pecked her lips one more time, before tugging on her hand, pulling her towards the bed. He sat up against the headboard, and pulled Meredith down beside him, before reaching to turn off the lamp on the nightstand, knowing she felt safest spilling her deepest fears and secrets in the dark. He then closed his arms around her while she snuggled against his chest. Running his hand up and down her spine, he buried his nose against the top of her head and inhaled deeply, before pulling the blanket over them and whispering, "Tell me what you're scared of."

She didn't respond for several long moments, and he knew she was trying to collect her thoughts; was trying to make sense of them so that he could understand.

"I think everything that happened with Thatcher had more of an effect on me than I thought," she finally admitted. "I know I said that nothing had really changed, that I started the year off without a father, so really I only lost Susan, and that's still true, but... He said things."

"Oh, Mer..."

"He's my father. He was supposed to love me. He was supposed to be there. He was supposed to care. And I think it's worse that I know he was Mr. SuperDad for his other daughters. Because that means he had it in him, he just...didn't want me." She paused for a deep breath, and he knew she was fighting to stay calm as she told him this, so he stayed silent, continuing to run his hands over her back, offering what comfort he could.

"And he blamed me. Susan died, and I was devastated. She's the closest thing I've ever had to a real parent. And it wasn't my fault. Nothing that happened to her was my fault. But he blamed me. And he hit me. And he wouldn't even let me go to the funeral to say goodbye..." Her voice cracked as her emotions got the better of her.

With a heavy sigh, Derek closed his arms around her and held her as tight as he could. He listened to her suck in a breath of air, and then her body shuddered in his arms.

"Breathe, Mer," he murmured, his lips pressed to the soft skin behind her ear. She was starting to hyperventilate.

Try as she might, she was not able to inhale or exhale more than a small fraction of the air she needed. Her small fists clutched desperately to his chest.

"Hey!" He said sharply, moving his hands to her shoulders, and forcing her body several inches from his. "You have to breathe," he repeated, looking her straight in the eye. The moon was offering just enough light through the window beside the bed for him to see the fear in her eyes. "Breathe, Meredith. Breathe."

Her chest hitched violently, but she nodded.

He offered her a small smile, hoping her could transfer some calmness. "I'm here, Mer. Just breathe."

And all of a sudden her chest released and she could breathe again.

"There you go," he murmured, sliding his hands from her shoulders, up her neck, to cup her cheeks. "Just breathe."

She exhaled shakily, but the next full breath in and out was smooth.

"There, that wasn't so hard, huh?"

Meredith released a half-laugh and leaned forward, burrowing herself against his chest.

Derek let her settle, and then snaked his arms around her waist. She was silent for several minutes, simply breathing in and out, before she finally spoke again.

"You're the only person in the world that can make things go away. The crap I go through doesn't seem that bad when you're here, and the memories don't seem as bad." She sniffed. "And I almost ruined everything."

"You didn't almost ruin anything. Hell, given a few more days and I probably wouldn't have been able to stop myself from getting on a plane to Hawaii."

She lifted her head. "Really?"

He smiled at her, tucking a few strands of hair behind her ear before responding. "I promise," he whispered, knowing she wasn't asking about him going to Hawaii. She needed to know she hadn't ruined everything they had built together.

"I stopped believing," she whispered in response.

"In us?"

She shook her head. "In everything else. I stopped believing it was possible to be happy. There aren't that many people in my life, Derek, but you could name any of them, and I could tell you something horrible that's either happened to them very recently or is happening now. No one seems to be able to make a relationship work. No one is happy."

"Then we'll be the ones to make them know it's possible."

To his surprise, Meredith smiled. "I believe you."

"You do?"

She nodded. "Now, I believe you. A couple days ago, I didn't. I couldn't. There was just too much."

"I'm glad you believe me now."

"Me too." She leaned forward and kissed him, short and soft. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Derek. That never changed. I just stopped believing it was possible for a couple days."

"I want to spend the rest of my life with you, too." He kissed her back. "And you never have to stop believing again, Meredith. We're going to be happy. And the love is never going to stop."

Tears welled in her eyes, but she held his gaze. "My parents were supposed to love me unconditionally, or whatever. My mother...she only believed in science. She didn't believe in love. And Thatcher..." She trailed off for a moment, her forehead creasing as she collected her thoughts. "He was supposed to love me unconditionally," she repeated. "No matter what. Because he was my father. But he didn't. Maybe he loved me when I was a baby." She shook her head. "I guess I'll never know. I do know he doesn't love me now, not even before Susan died."

With moist eyes, she met his gaze straight on. "I've never known unconditional love before." He voice cracked slightly, but she pushed onward. "Not before you. You love me...no matter what. And that- That's kind of scary. Because the people who were supposed to love me like that never did."

"Meredith..." He started, his heart breaking at her admission.

"No." She shook her head. "Just...let me say this."

"Okay," he agreed, offering her a soft smile. She had obviously practiced this too.

"When Susan started showing up and everything, and I started getting to know them, I started to think that maybe I could finally have...something. Some parent thing. But then if was all over." She paused to take a breath. "I was devastated when Susan died, but what he did... I didn't do anything wrong," she repeated from earlier. "He took his anger out on me."

Derek ran his fingers along the side of her face, right where Thatcher had struck his daughter. "I wanted to kill him."

She covered his hand with hers. "I'm glad you didn't. Because that's not who you are. You're a good man, Derek. But as much as I love you, and as much as I trust you, what Thatcher did put doubts in me."

"Doubts?"

She nodded, and then released a laughing breath. "Well, Izzy thinks he just activated the doubts that he installed when I was a kid. He made me doubt that it was possible to be happy. He made me doubt it was possible that you were here to stay."

"You barely said anything for days after Susan died."

"But you were there the whole time, doing things and saying things."

Derek smirked. "Like a night in shining whatever?"

She laughed. "Exactly. You made me feel better. And I believed that things would get better and you would always be here."

He sighed. "And then Burke left Cristina."

"And then Burke left Cristina," she echoed. "And I couldn't help but think that one day you'd be gone too."

His hands found the sides of her head, and his eyes found hers. "Meredith, I am not going anywhere. If you need time, I'll give it to you. If you need space, it's yours. But I am going to spend the rest of my life with you no matter what. Remember?"

She nodded, pulling the chain holding her engagement ring from under her top. "I remember now. It just took me a couple days." It was her turn to run her hands up his chest and neck to the sides of his head. "I missed you the whole time I was gone. I wanted you there with me. And I knew you wanted that too. And I listened to your messages. And I could hear just how concerned you are. And that you let me get on the plane without ever asking me to stay... You know me, Derek. You know me. And you still love me. And you haven't done a single to deserve me running off to Hawaii without you."

Derek sighed and pecked her lips. "It hurt," he admitted, because it was the truth. It had hurt him that she had gone, and it had hurt more that she hadn't been able to trust him.

Her eyes welled. "I'm sorry. If you had done that to me..." She trailed off and shook her head. "If you had left a message on my cell phone and took off for two weeks, I would have been heart broken. And angry."

Derek lost himself in her eyes for a long moment. He could close the small gap between them and kiss her. He could tell her he loved her and everything was okay. He could make love to her. They would fall asleep together, the conversation forgotten. He closed his eyes. It had been so long. There hadn't been any sex since before Susan had died. It was important to them. It healed them. It was something they both needed.

But right now they needed to have this conversation first. She had hurt him. He loved her more than anything, and he would continue to love her no matter what, but that didn't mean what she had done didn't matter. He had spent too much of his life putting his own feelings on the backburner to make everyone else feel better. She didn't want him pretending things that mattered didn't matter.

"I was angry," he admitted, because she wanted the truth, even if it was hard to hear.

She tensed, but didn't pull away.

Derek reached to tuck a stray lock of hair behind her ear. "I was angry at Thatcher. And I was angry at Burke. And Cristina." He paused. "And you. I was angry that you didn't trust me. And I was angry you didn't even tell me to my face that you were going with Cristina."

"I knew I wouldn't have been able to go through with it," she whispered, surprising him. "I wanted to see you before I left, but I knew if I looked in your eyes I wouldn't have been able to go. If you hadn't told me to go in the airport I would have stayed with you."

"I'm glad you went," Derek admitted. "It hurt and I was angry, but you needed to figure things out, so I'm glad you went."

"I'm sorry I'm...me. You've never given me a reason not to trust you, and yet...I couldn't help but be afraid of you leaving me."

He offered her a tender smile. "I accept your apology for going to Hawaii, but I don't accept your apology for being afraid of me leaving you."

She flinched, and he kissed her quickly, conveying that it was okay.

"I don't accept that apology because you have nothing to apologize for. Everything that's happened to you is not your fault, so you don't get to feel guilty for feeling the way you do. Having abandonment issues isn't something to be sorry about."

"You deserve better."

"I want you," he countered. "And you are perfect for me."

"I do trust you," she whispered. "I just...panicked."

"It's okay to panic sometimes," he assured. "And if you need time to be able to trust that I'm going to be here no matter what, then that's okay."

"Yeah?"

He smiled. "Yeah. We have the rest of our lives for that."

Her eyes welled again, reflecting the moonlight. "Our whole lives," she echoed.

Derek pulled her to his chest and hugged her tight. "I'm so glad you're here."

"Me too, Derek. I don't ever want to not be here again." She pressed against his chest with her hand, motioning for him to loosen his embrace, and then she lifted her body away to meet his eyes again. "I'm not going to do that again," she promised. "I got my perspective, or whatever, and I realized exactly where I needed to be. And now I'm there. And there's nowhere else I would rather be." She shook her head. "I'm not ever going to run from you again."

"I'm glad you figured things out," he murmured, running his fingers through her hair. He dipped his head to press a line of kisses along the side of her neck, before reaching her clavicle and sucking gently.

She shivered and her fingers found his hair. "I'm glad I figured things out too. It's almost funny... I think it freaked me out the most that nothing changed."

"What do you mean?" He mumbled against her, before moving to her other clavicle.

"With the good and the bad, you were still there all the time."

"Mmm," he murmured, starting to move up her neck. Her free hand was tugging at the hem of his shirt.

"While everything around us changed, we never did. And I guess I just thought things would have changed. I was out of my mind trying to figure out what had suddenly gotten me so scared, what had changed, when Izzy suggested that maybe nothing had changed."

With a moan, Derek pulled his lips from her soft skin and met her eyes. They were dark with desire, but held a hint of determination. There was still more to be talked about. "I don't think I understand."

She released a laughing breath and kissed him, long and hard. "I think you'd have to be inside my head to understand that and, trust, that is not something you want to experience." She kissed him again. "It's a little crazy in here."

He manoeuvred them so she was lying back on the bed and he was hovering over her. With a smile, he ran his fingers along her hair line. "I love you, even with the crazy."

She giggled, and it was all he could do not to ravish her right then and there.

"I felt like my life was falling apart, and yet...you were still there. We didn't change."

"You know why we didn't change?"

"Why?" She asked, staring up at him, trusting him.

He smiled warmly. "Because it was our life that was being attacked. Not just yours. These things happen to us now."

Her eyes filled with tears, but she smiled and hooked her fingers along the neck line of his shirt, pulling him down to her.

Derek kissed her hard, feeling his arousal build as he pressed into her.

She moaned as his lips once again left hers and travelled down her neck. "I realized how stupid I was the first night," she admitted. "I cried myself to sleep thinking I had messed up and was miserable because I had put myself in that position. The next day I worked up the courage to do something about it. Cristina was okay, so I packed my suitcase and got to the airport."

"And now you're here," he mumbled into the smooth skin at the crook of her neck.

"Well, after several connections, a train and two cabs, I'm here."

He chuckled. "It was a good surprise."

"It wasn't supposed to be a surprise. Well, it was, at first, but after my third connection, I realized it was stupid."

He lifted his head to meet her eyes. "Why didn't you call me? I would have picked you up at the airport."

She reached up and buried her fingers in his hair. "I did call. You didn't answer."

"I had my phone with me-" He cut himself off as his eyes caught on the empty space on the nightstand. "Shit. I must have left my phone this morning... Meredith, I'm sorry."

She rolled them so he was on his back, and she was hovering over him. "I'm just glad you weren't avoiding my calls."

"Absolutely not. I wanted to talk to you."

She kissed him. "Good."

He ran his hands down her sides until the fabric of her top ended, and then he reversed the movement, taking her shirt with him. She sat up to allow him to pull the garment over her head, and then leaned back down to him. His hands found her now bare sides, and she shivered under his touch.

His hands moved from her sides to her back and upwards, until they found the clasp of her bra. Once it was released, he swiped his hands down her arms, pulling the bra off.

She moaned as his hands found her breasts. "You too," she whined, tugging at the hem of his shirt.

With a grunt, Derek rolled them back so she was underneath him. He pulled off his shirt and tossed it across the room, before pressing his torso against hers, revelling in the skin to skin contact.

Her hands were back in his hair, and she directed his lips to hers.

He kissed her hard; until they were both breathless. When he pulled away, he shifted and reached to undo her pants, laughing as they fought for space; she was reaching to undo his pants.

"Patience," he muttered.

"Pot meet kettle."

He chuckled and pecked her lips. "You got it right."

"The saying?"

He pecked her lips again. "Everything."

Pulling her hands away from his pants, she cupped his face. "Thank you for understanding. Thank you for being you."

"I will always love you, Meredith Grey."

"I'll always love you too, Derek."

Caught by surprise at the sudden well of emotions rushing over him, Derek felt the air get sucked out of his lungs. "God, you're beautiful. I missed you so much."

"I missed you too. So freaking much. I just had to figure out you were the thing stopping me from being pushed over the cliff."

He furrowed his brow. "I thought we jumped off the cliff?"

She smiled, obviously pleased he remembered their talk so many months before. "Different cliff."

"Ah, do we live in a canyon?"

She swatted at him, but giggled. "Sometimes it feels like it. Everything built up, like last time, and I felt like I was being pushed over the edge."

He threaded their fingers together and settled their connected hands above her head, before dipping his head to kiss her swollen lips again. "I guess we'll just have to jump again. Together."

"Together," she murmured, lying before him, trust and love and desire in her eyes.

His heart skipped a beat as he met her eyes; she was everything he had ever wanted, and this was one of those times that he realized exactly how lucky he was.

He brushed his lips against hers. "I want you."

She pressed her body upwards against his. "I need you."

Derek released her hands and moved off of her long enough to remove his pants and hers, before moving back over top of her, straddling her leg and he pressed his knew upwards. Her hands moved over him, exploring, and his did the same to her, moving down, checking that she was ready.

She moaned when he touched her, and he absorbed the noise, covering her lips with his. "We can't be loud," he reminded. "We're not at home."

Her moan turned into a groan. "I can't wait until we get to the island; then we can be as loud as we want..."

For a moment her words didn't register, and then he pulled back several inches. "You still want to go down south?"

She nodded. "Of course; if you still want to go. But if you want to stay here the whole time, or go home, or...anywhere. I'm good. As long as we're together."

"As long as we're together," he echoed, smiling, before kissing her. "I didn't cancel our reservations yet."

"Smart man."

"I guess I hadn't given up hope."

"Thank you, for not giving up on me."

"Never." He brushed his lips against hers.

"And Derek?"

"Mmm?"

She brushed her hand over his cheek, and buried it in the hair on the side of his head. "I love you and I trust you." She blinked as tears formed in her eyes. "I trust you more than I've ever trusted anyone."

He leaned down so his lips were just a hair's breadth from hers. "Then let's jump." And then he closed the gap and they lost themselves in each other.