Episode 5: Grief is love's unwillingness to let go

A few altocumulus clouds scattered across the vast sky outside of his classroom window, reminding him of mackerel scales that day.

For him, the time ran remarkably mundane while, in contrast, the classroom bustled with lively energy. Most of his classmates were either in groups or by twos, chattering about recent activities, about the newest shop nearby, or just comparing notes for the day.

Amongst the crowd, the green-eyed youth sat alone at his table, scribbling in his small notebook. Upon closer inspection, one would be baffled by the teen's choice of writing.

Instead of Katakana or Kanji's standardised use, he filled the page with a string of Latin letterings that people would typically find in English literature. Admittedly, however, this language was practically gibberish unless one had familiarised themselves with it.

The teen had decided that he should document his experiences in a journal, mostly for reflection and self-management. He needed a way to unload all the stress and anxiety.

Yesterday's incident had shaken him on a deeper level. Compared to the first time he had it in the library, he experienced that strange phenomenon on a different person aside from his brother. It was profoundly discerning, and he had no idea how to go about controlling this ability. It was beginning to feel like a curse he had no way of evading. He doesn't want this to dictate his life.

Writing was his way of destressing aside from sketching.

In a way, it was also a homage to honour his old life.

Unconsciously, his pen stopped moving. His eyes strayed onto a page with a watercolour sketch of a woman with long wavy hair. Her nose ran flat, but her smile creased the sides of her eyes, a prominent beauty mark on the right side of her chin. If he stared long enough, he could have sworn he could hear the sound of her voice giving him advice.

'A journal can be your best friend and confidante,' She would say.

'Is a place you go to whenever you want to ease your anxieties, frustrations, and pains. It allows me to self-reflect. Life moves pretty fast, and it's concise. If you don't stop to look around once in a while…it'll be a shame to miss it…'

'Mom…'

From one of his many memories, his mother stood out to all the others. She was his idol, sole caregiver, and the only person he often confided in. The petite youthful-looking woman was fair and generous with everyone around her. But people often took advantage of her kindness, and she always suffered because of it. She also gained spiteful rivals due to her outstanding accomplishments in both work and her social life. It spiralled her into a deep depression, littered with anxiety until it came to the point that it interfered with her life and marriage. Those days were equally tiring and worrisome for the teen as his mother's health started to deteriorate.

He remembered that life was full of heartache and trying obstacles. Yet so full of colour and vibrancy.

Journaling had been his mother's passion. She often took solace in writing, delighting in sticking washi tape cut-outs and floral stickers, designing the pages of her leather-bound journal as she chattered about expensive fountain pens.

Forgetting his origins was one of his biggest fears when he realised he could no longer go back to 'that' life. Writing in his olden native tongue helps him remember the language since being Japanese meant he would disregard it, favouring his country's lingua franca.

It also adds that sense of security whenever he writes in Bahasa Malaysia. The youth was confident no other person other than himself and the people familiar with it would have known what was on these pages. Frequent exercise of its use helps in polishing his level of writing proficiency despite his preference for English.

He also added a little mix of Hokkien and Tamil slang terms that stuck around just for diversity and colour.

It was a shame he couldn't exercise it verbally. It would be proven to be helpful if he ever ventures to his old country in this reality.

"Onodera-kun?"

"¹Opocot' MAk Kau?!"

The unexpected call of his name had him startled in alarm. Rendering him embarrassingly delirious possessed him to convert into his old tongue accidentally.

It hadn't yet fully registered, but an abrupt silence followed a loud crash.

Wide-eyed, Haruyuki looked incredibly flustered when he found himself dangled half out of his chair with his leg caught in it with the rest of him on the floor. All of the attention was on him, which incited him to become red-faced when the class had suddenly burst into laughter. The boys jeered and howled while the girls would giggle or politely covered their lips, trying to suppress themselves.

Akishima stood by his table, looking shocked with equal parts mortified and panicked.

Well, at least he didn't hit his head.

"I-I'm so-sorry! So so sorry!" The girl rushed towards the dishevelled teen, helping him up to his feet and frantically bowing to apologise. Haruyuki brushes it off, rubbing at his neck mainly to stem off some of the embarrassment.

"No harm done. It's mostly my fault anyway..." He instantly switched back to Japanese, looking away with tinted cheeks when the girls giggled even more. At any rate, he now knows that he could speak in some semblance of the old language.

"B-But-Still! I shouldn't sneak up on y-you like that! I'm so so very sorry." Akishima flustered out a reply.

The school bell saved him from having to answer. Not wanting to stick around any longer, he excused himself and quickly packed his things. His classmates who walked past him still snickered, but he didn't pay them any mind since it was all harmless fun.

"O-Onodera-Kun!"

"?"

Stopping in his tracks, he turned his attention to the girl who had caught him off guard.

"What is it?"

"C-could you meet me by the stairs? I have something to tell you," was the nervous admission.

Haruyuki stood there as he watched her fidget, waiting for his answer.

'It was probably about yesterday'.

He had left then to accompany Ritsu on a trip to a fast-food joint. But he ended up having one of his 'episodes' and found himself lying exhausted on the floor near the school entrance with a mighty headache. It must've been vital to have Akishima hounding him like this.

"Alright."

———————————————————

Although classes have ended for the day, the stairway that connects the first and second floor was oddly absent. Sunlight streamed through the large glass window, casting shadows stretching across the steps. The light encased their silhouettes, giving the two teens an ethereal glow. This scene was giving him that sense of foreboding.

It might be Fate, or some other deity he didn't believe in had a hand in it because messing with him was just too entertaining to have garnered him the peace of leaving him on his own.

Akishima bowed her head and shut her eyes in nerves, letting out an "I l-love you…" as she continued with her confession.

"I've been in love with you for a long time now... I hope you consider it."

"....."

He supposed... he should have expected this to be a long time coming. He did have that small suspicion that the girl in front of him was responsible for the love letter he obtained earlier yet he didn't want to assume.

Still, the notes he borrowed prompted him to speculate otherwise since it carried the exact handwriting; it became apparent when he compared them side-by-side. He even had the letter on him for referential purposes.

Taking out the pink envelope from his bag, he disclosed it to her for confirmation.

"So, the love letter I got…"

Akishima blushed harder and nodded, "Yes. It's mine. Have you... thought it over?"

Looking at the paper in hand, he considered the person who wrote it and had offered her notes to him. He hadn't known her for long, but he could tell Akishima was a lovely girl, shy, but she had gone out of her way to convey her feelings. No matter how brief it was, he felt that she was brave to speak to him like this…

Not everyone wanted to get to know him past his front. He could catch a glimpse of himself becoming good friends with her. But he inferred she had done those things because she wanted something from him.

Regrettably, he couldn't return her affections. It wouldn't be fair for her and himself if he accepted, despite how lonely he was. It wasn't a question about genders anymore; he realised now those were just excuses.

Haruyuki just… couldn't find it in himself to love again, after losing so much as he did. The wound still felt awfully fresh.

In preparation for the start of many inevitable heartbreaks, he kept his impassive mask on and bowed,

"I'm sorry…" he began,

"But I can't."

———————————————————

It seems one thing always led to another.

Or was it karma? He certainly thought this is what it was.

Ritsu came home that one evening bearing a downcast expression, at the same time, broadcasting his mood with a dark, gloomy cloud hovering over his head, seeming to resonate with the impending weather. After his confrontation with Akishima, the older twin had left him at the library, fully aware that the younger was excited to see his crush about a magazine he intended to share.

Instead, Ritsu came home sometime later looking as if someone had kicked his puppy. Haruyuki's concern earned Ritsu's reluctant recount of how Saga had abruptly gone off on him without any rhyme or reason. That is to say, as the story progresses, Haruyuki was one sprint away from giving the rude fool a piece of his mind.

It was then Ritsu found out how scary his twin can be as he described every bit of detail of how he was going to carry out his threat... all the while sporting a terrifyingly serene smile.

"When I get my hands on that brat, I'll show him just how intimidating a ²rotan can be once I'm done thoroughly lashing his ass and shove it up his-"

"Nii-san!" a pale-looking Ritsu cried out in horror— uninformed what a rotan was— but he knew it was equally just as bad.

"Ritsu! That boy was way out of bounds!" Haruyuki raged.

"Nii-san! You didn't see him! S-Saga-senpai was… He was…"

His brother trailed off, unsure how he could appeal to him on Saga's behalf. Nevertheless, the fuming teen stayed silent. Despite his unfavourable opinion of the senior, he knew better than to dismiss Ritsu entirely. Considering he didn't want to upset him any further than he already was.

"When Saga-senpai said those things, I know he didn't mean anything by it. All that time, he looked like he was in pain."

"What do you mean 'in pain'?" The older twin scoffed, "Did he stubbed his toe or something?"

"Regardless, you shouldn't give him an excuse for his unacceptable behaviour." He grumbled, "It was absolutely uncalled for when all you did was being nice to him."

Shaking a negative, Ritsu explained, "I've been hanging out with him for a while now Nii-san. And lately, whenever I'm around Saga-senpai, I've been feeling like there was this dark oppressing shadow that was constantly hanging off him. Like he was silently hurting."

"I don't know how to explain it… he looked... incredibly lonely like he had no one to talk to. I don't know if he had any friends…but maybe, he had problems at home or something, and he didn't want to talk about it."

"...."

At the mention of 'home', Haruyuki's mood increasingly soured. His lips opted to turn into a thin line. He knew full well what Ritsu had meant.

Even though he didn't like the older teen, he understood very much what Saga was going through since he and his 'other' old teenage self shared similar situations; both their parents fought frequently, and they didn't have a great childhood growing up.

He recognised that feeling intimately, not having the will to do anything and no longer hoping for them to stop and just care. Of how irritatingly repetitive it had become, stuck in that hole without any sign of change in sight…

Thankfully, things got better as he grew older, but he had become numbed and tired as a young adult. That too changed when he got married.

Yet, when he saw Saga's life from his perspective, it brought up some bitter memories.

While it was a little different now, it was more or less the same. Although Haruyuki's parents weren't fighting, they weren't emotionally invested and spared barely any bonding time with their beloved sons— not that he cared.

Haruyuki had Ritsu. And now, so does Saga.

So yes, Haruyuki knew what his brother was talking about. And it dramatically pains him to admit that the insensitive buffoon needed Ritsu as well, more than he realised.

'I hate having a bleeding heart,' Haruyuki would like to say.

He could only pray that he possessed the same patience Ritsu had to tolerate 'lover boy'. Preferably, before he starts deciding to strangle the said teen. Why was he feeling all hostile lately?

"Why do you hate him Nii-san? I thought that…"

"Of course." Haruyuki harrumphed with his hands on his hips. "Who wouldn't be if some punk had come and stolen their precious sibling. He intends to defile that every bit of innocence you have! "

"N-Ni-sannn!"

The older twin cackled at the blushing brunette, who's predictable response was to hit his mischievous brother repeatedly. Ritsu couldn't decide whether he liked that he was often the subject of his twin's teasing because Haruyuki enjoyed doing it way too much.

"I don't hate him per-say," Haruyuki finally admitted when Ritsu relented in his assault.

"Hate is too much of a strong word. Besides, I don't even know him the way you did."

Shrugging, he added, "But I'll give him a chance. I understand what you're trying to say. Anybody can have a bad day..."

Ritsu gazed forlornly at Haruyuki's far away expression. His brother had done so much, but the younger eventually understood that he was the type of person who just wouldn't share his troubles openly. When asked, it was like pulling teeth; the older twin would always find a way to avoid and deflect the conversation in another direction or distract him by poking fun. However, he knew it wasn't out of hostile intent.

His brother changed over those two years since, yet he wouldn't entirely call it a bad change. Sure, it was jarring for the green-eyed brunette to determine what the other was honestly thinking from time-to-time. Both of them share the same age, except sometimes he felt the other twin was on a different plane altogether than where he stood, his eyes at times deeming older than he is. What's even baffling, on occasion, his sibling would look at him with those twinkling eyes, presumably knowing some big secret.

Despite Haruyuki's sudden show of maturity, it was a delight to see he had a playful side too.

What bothered the teen was his brother's tendency to prioritise Ritsu more than himself, always disregarding his wants and keeping things to himself. Haruyuki reminded him of Saga-senpai in a lot of ways when it came to the latter. They bore the same despondent look whenever they think they were alone.

"You know you can talk to me Nii-san…"

Haruyuki glanced his way, "I know," he grinned.

"But I think you should start with that 'boyfriend' of yours. Because you'd be too overwhelmed if you got yourself tangled in my problems."

"N-Nii-san!"

See what he mean?

Haruyuki chuckled at the rosy cheeks that were becoming a permanent fixture on Ritsu. Then the older teen paused, taking the time to examine his brother's expression. He must've seen something because he startled the boy with a different response.

"....When I'm ready. I'll talk."

"?!"

Ignoring Ritsu's shock, he continued, "I've been keeping stuff from you. It's understandable for you to be frustrated."

"Just…" He sighed, "Give me time to find the right words. So I won't sound like... a raving lunatic?"

He swiped his bangs to the back nervously with a short deprecating laugh, "It's been hard for me, dealing with this on my own."

Ritsu felt his chest tighten at the face his brother was making. He instantly grabbed his hand and squeezed.

"You don't have to, Nii-san...You're not alone."

Watching their hands intertwined, Haruyuki gave a soft smile and squeezed back, "I know."

"I didn't want to ruin your moment. Seeing you happy... Why spoil it with my problems?"

Ritsu shook his head vigorously at this with a determined declaration, "Hnn! I'll be glad to listen Nii-san!"

"If it helps to keep that sadness away, then I'll do it!"

There was a tinkle of bells chiming in his ears accompanied by the sound of rainfall pelting against the concrete outside. The older twin's green eyes which shared with every likeness as this bright boy he came to love and cherished widened, immensely touched by his comforting words and sincerity. His heart skipped a beat then.

Perhaps, if he was born not as his sibling, he could…

No! His mind screeched at him to a halt when he reached that line of thought had him paling inside. What was he thinking?

Ritsu was his twin brother for heaven's sake!

"Seems like the weather is getting worse."

Haruyuki deflected as he slipped out of his hand and looked away, trying to calm down his racing heart and a blush that was steadily blooming on the apple of his cheeks.

Nope. He was not going there. This boy was going to be his undoing if he kept on looking at that forbidden fruit. He wasn't some love-struck girl pinning over some guy; they were twins. Brothers. That's it.

Reaching for his own and his brother's umbrella, he passed them onto Ritsu with closed eyes and a conspiratorial grin, "And I believe there's a certain someone that needs the same reassurance."

The younger twin stared at his brother with a strange wide-eyed look before carefully taking the two umbrellas, "You're so weird, Nii-san..."

"Believe me, I know." was the deadpanned response.

"Go..." Haruyuki gave his twin a gentle nudge. "Something tells me that boy requires more than an umbrella to get through this dreadful weather.

With a determined smile of his own, Ritsu hurried through the door as he announced his leave and reached the gates expressing his thanks to Haruyuki.

"And no running in the rain!" Haruyuki cried out to his brother from the door as he watched him dashed across the wet asphalt under the heavy down-pour, " I don't want you getting into an accident!"

"Yes Mother!" he hollered back.

Chuckling to himself, Haruyuki shook his head in amusement and murmured out, "Cheeky brat."

"Where is your brother going in such a hurry?"

His mother approached the teen from the back with a frown, holding herself with crossed arms and said, "There's an announcement saying there's going to be a storm soon. Honestly, that child..."

Gazing out in the direction of where his twin disappeared to, he covered his mouth with his hand and pondered worriedly. Now retained enough clarity, his thudding heartbeat had settled to a regular tempo.

It might've been a fluke, carried away by the moment they say—nothing to think about too deeply. Right?

"...I need to get out more."