Chapter 16: Attempts At Trust And Reconcile

June (TW: Description of Suicide, self-harm, depression)

They thought I was delusional.

My brain wouldn't stop spinning until I fell asleep, but even then I met horrible visions of the painting I'd seen earlier. A boy who had hung himself, covered in blood and alone in a dark room. It was always a dark room. Maybe it portrays the empty feeling you get when everyone seems against you.

Those thoughts sprung through my head like a bouncy ball against a wall. I refused to accept it.

I woke up early in the morning to avoid Hue. I needed some time to think about the situation. Should I have been so mad? Hue had been there since I got here. Regardless, I didn't want to talk to anyone. I still needed to plan the next step in finding anything that would give me a clue about what had happened. Since I had woken up and left so early, I went to the bridge Hue had taken me to. It was different in the day; dead and gray. Of course, the sun wasn't fully up yet, but even the sunrise seemed different. I sat on a bench facing the water and looked at my phone.

7:00 am. Hue would probably wake up soon, looking for me like a rabid dog. It would be nice to stay like this for a moment longer; no worries, just the sunrise on the water and the passing of traffic. To me, it was peaceful. If only I could have stayed there a little longer.

If only life could stop for a moment, I wouldn't have to think anymore;

But things don't stop until your dead. Maybe that's what June Sekin had realized.

June Sekin.

He was the only thing going through my head anymore. I needed to figure it out. I needed to find something before I actually lost my mind.

7:30 am. As expected, he called me a hundred times before realizing I wouldn't pick up. I didn't know if I could trust him. Even if I could, would he try to stop me? Will he try to tell me I'm wrong like Cas did? I got up after Hue stopped calling and made my way to school. It wasn't my intention to make him worry; I just needed the time to clear my head, though it only made me think more. I arrived late, so I had to walk into class silently as everyone stared at me. Hue had had his head buried in his arms, but once he saw I was at school, he lifted his head and stared blankly at me. Of course, I tried to ignore it, but his eyes pierced the side of my head, making it impossible to hear myself think. When I finally looked at him, he mouthed, "I'm sorry." It looked as if he hadn't slept at all. I felt guilty. "Pay attention," I mouthed back. He gave me an okay sign but continued to glance at me like he was making sure I didn't go anywhere. When the bell rang, he walked over and cleared his throat awkwardly.

"Uh, do you want to get lunch?" Hue asked nervously.

"Sure, but you get the food today." He smiled.

"Of course, but you have to do it tomorrow because," he pointed to his face, "that hurt."

"I'm sorry about that."

"Why are you apologizing? You have every reason to hate me, Why are you even here talking to me."

It was silent for a moment.

"What do you think about me? Do you think I'm crazy too? Because if you're here to look down on me like I need help, you can leave."

"June, no. As far as Cas goes, she doesn't think you are delusional. She-"

"She tried to tell me my mom did it, but I don't believe that. I know mom is innocent, but she tried to tell me it was wrong like she knew my mother." A look of sadness came across Hue's face.

"Do you also believe it? You think I'm delusional, right?" I once again felt betrayed. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, thinking that maybe he thought differently from Cas, but I guess not.

"June, listen. I'm in no place to tell you what to believe and not to believe. I don't think you're crazy if that's what you are trying to say. As far as Cas, I'm mad at her as well. She doesn't know you. She shouldn't have said what she did." I could tell he was uncertain about his words; his ideas didn't match what he was saying. I smiled weakly.

"Let's go eat."

Key and Selene were waiting for us, except they were talking to Cas this time.

"Why is she sitting there?" Now I was angry.

"I invited her. Selene is a part of the art club, so they are already pretty close. You can't avoid her, June."

"But I can." I turned to leave, but Hue grabbed my backpack.

"June, look at me. She only wants to apologize to you. Are you just avoiding the situation because Cas isn't the type of person to stand there and lie about what she thinks? I talked to her. She acknowledges she was wrong. Aren't you even going to let her apologize?" His eyes pleaded for me to listen. It was becoming more clear to me that Hue's words from before were just said so that I wouldn't hate him. They all thought the same.

"I don't have to accept an apology from anyone. I can listen to an apology, but I probably won't accept it." I pushed his hand off my backpack.

"I'll get lunch today. Just go sit with your friends."

"But we just decided I was going to get lunch today?"

"I said go."

As I walked, I thought about what Hue had said. Was I avoiding it? Just because she says whatever she wants doesn't mean it's right. All I needed to do was listen to her apology, maybe accept it, maybe not. Grabbing our food and walking to the table, I could feel eyes on me. Everyone watching each step I took to see what I would do, if I messed up. My chest tightened, and I felt like I couldn't breathe. Each step seemed harder like I had no control over my body. I was paralyzed. Suddenly someone took the food from my hands, put their arm around me, and guided me to the table.

"You good, June? You suddenly looked sick or something," Selene asked.

"Yeah. I don't like being in large crowds alone, that's all. So don't worry about it too much."

"Well, thank you for getting the food." I looked up; everyone was smiling at me.

"It's not really that big of a deal."

"Come on. We heard you stayed away from people in your last school, so that's a move in the right direction." Key said.

"I wasn't completely unsocial. It's not like I've never done anything like that before." I have never done anything like that before. Willingly go into a crowd of people? Alone? That never would've happened, but I was too bothered by what Hue said. I had to get away.

"Whatever you say," Hue said, nudging me. "Eat. You didn't have dinner last night." As we ate, Cas and I kept awkwardly meeting each other's eyes as the other talked. I leaned in to whisper to her.

"Stop looking at me."

"Me? You're the one looking at me."

"Why are you even here? Go back to your usual spot."

"Hue invited me. I'm allowed to be here if I want. Besides, I wanted to"

"Yo, what's going on here?" Key had noticed us whispering. "Couple?" This time I wanted to be the one to kick him, but Cas got there first.

"Holy shit, your even worse than Hue." Selene and Cas high-fived.

"What did you hit him for?" I mumbled.

"He's my cousin, I guess," Cas responded.

"You guess? Wow, I am offended," Key said dramatically putting his hand on his chest.

"Wait, your cousins? We've been friends for years. I never once heard her name mentioned."

"I think I should be the one who's offended," Cas said.

"You never asked."

"Well, we aren't dating, so stop being stupid for once?"

"Why are you even here," Key retorted. "Hue, why did you invite her?"

"Stop being mean." Hue punched Key lightly.

"What did I do? She's the one flirting with your boyfriend."

"NOT my boyfriend." Hue kicked Key in the shin. Again. You'd think he wouldn't have learned after the second time, but he never did.