Kage Smash Bros

Chapter 27: Kage Smash Bros

"Hiruzen, you geriatric legend, give it here!" I shouted as I entered the Kage balcony with my hand in the air, elbow cocked for maximum kenergy. 

The seated Hokage left me hanging, casting me a derisive side eye out of his lined and wrinkled socket. He kept his ass parked in the middle of three thrones, the farthest from me sat Orochimaru wearing the skin of Rasa, the Fourth Kazekage. He kept his face covered in a thick white veil, perhaps a sign of an imperfection with the technique, defensive wounds from the fight over the face.

Denied a manly handshake, I put my hands on my robed hips and glared at the pair, "I see. Then there's only one thing that can salvage this situation. Hiruzen Sarutobi…" I paused to let them stew in the fume of their own audacity, "What kind of woman is your type?"

The old man pulled a face, and 'Rasa's' eyes widened, both under the shade of their diamond shaped Kage hats.

Hiruzen pulled his piped out of his mouth and chuckled, "I like 'em short with big ol' tiddies, like Hitomi Tanaka." 

His answer stunned me. Hitomi Tanaka… that's… so much boobage! 

I released a growling sigh of appreciation, then turned my raptor gaze at Orochimaru, "And you, Rasa?" 

"This kind of talk disrespects the position of Kage." he replied in a cold gravely voice. 

I let out a snort of derision and spat on the balcony, "I already suspected you were a boring man, but to think you'd be so low. No wonder your village is dying on the vine, they have a loser in charge who has no idea how to lead." 

"Watch your mouth, Mizukage." Orochimaru growled under his veil, faking offense, "The words of a Kage carry a dire weight, and must be measured carefully." 

"Spoken like a true loser." I shook my head, the gesture exaggerated by my wide Kage hat. 

"I'd heard you had a sharp tongue," Hiruzen interjected to spare Rasa's memory the savaging I intended to wreak on him, "but we hold these exams in the hopes to avoid international conflicts, not start them." 

I nodded to the old timer and took my seat, wrapping my arm around Kubikiribocho and leaning forward in my seat to rest my chest and shoulder against the wide blade. Gozu and Meizu took up position behind me, each of us allowed two attendants at this event in the balcony. Hiruzen used a pair from the Hokage Guard Platoon trained up by Minato, Orochimaru had the Sound Four stuffed under a pair of cloaks. I'd give my Demon Brothers good odds against either party. Despite not sharing my Talents and Defenses with them, I'd treated the pair as my apprentices from day one, and ran their asses into the ground every day since to eke out as much potential as the pair had. Between me and Shigure, they're a pair of lean mean killing machines, the paired swords on their hips ready and able. 

"Don't let it get to you, Old Hokage." I smiled at the man from my seat, "You deserve to coast on your victories, but this guy, I wouldn't trust him to warm my sandals. He'd do such a poor job betraying me you might think he was trying to bumble his way to pity." 

"Such talk from a man who turned on his Kage." Orochimaru countered from his place on the other side of this triarchy, "Words worth less than the wind taken to say it." 

"Worthless, huh?" I smirked and cracked my neck to one side, "You'd be the expert in that with the way you've sat atop that sand pit of a village for so long. By the way old man, I really love the way this Hidden Leaf Village looks like it was built by a bunch of people with know idea how structural loads work, and finished by people with no time to spare. All the exposed wires and pipes held together with tape and hope really do it for me. Fuck, no wonder you guys always win the wars, you people live life more on the edge than we do, and we used to make our genin kill each other." 

Hiruzen tilted his head back and unleashed an agitated stream of smoke, "Zabuza… I really don't see you surviving long as Kage." 

"But you do recognize me as Kage." I grinned and sent him a friendly wink and finger gun. 

"At least you can appreciate the small wonders of the world." Hiruzen relaxed his posture in his seat and settled in for the fights. 

Things opened up with one of my kids facing off against Neji Hyuga. A big shark boy with an old longsword at his side. 

"Does that kid have a goatee drawn on his face?" I frowned as my eyes continued staring at the stupid marker lines drawn around the kid's mouth. 

"Apparently, one of your genin had a crisis of identity during the second round." Hiruzen chuckled like a guy that gets off on the mild suffering of children, "He now identifies as 'Evil Jin', and draws that goatee every morning."

I rested my brow on my fingers and sighed, "Well, that's why I took over as Mizukage, so all the weirdos like him can do their thing." 

"Here I thought it was because Yagura was such an ass." Hiruzen bantered as the contestants squared off tensed up for the start of the match. 

Down below, the shark boy started talking mad smack. 

"Surrender while you still can, Hyuga." He declared boldly, "For I am not the Jin Hoshigaki you came to admire and adore during our time together in the second round. I am… Evil Jin Hoshigaki, and my strength and speed have grown exponentially, just like my evil. If you face me, there is no guarantee I can control my blade. Is your life worth a chance at chunin?" 

"You sound too confident for someone who lost to the boy I have beaten a hundred times." Neji Hyuga smoothly entered his taijutsu stance. 

"I am not he." Evil Jin grit out as he bent low over his sword and scabbard. 

The kid's massive chakra kicked up a whirlwind in the arena below strong enough to ruffle the drapes of our Kage hats several stories up. I felt him with my sixth sense, felt him coiling his energy below his skin, practically bursting at the seams rearing to go. Neji… for all his named character hype, felt fairly normal. Calm and steady, but no great monster in the making like this Evil Jin. 

"Let the first match…" the referee, another of the old Hokage Guard Platoon, announced, "Begin." 

They started barely five meters apart. At that distance, Neji had a chance to engage before Hoshigaki cleared his long sheath. I didn't expect sharkboy to blitz past the Hyuga who moved painfully slow in comparison, stopping behind him by digging his heels into the dirt but still skidding as his momentum overcame his clinging chakra, digging up the ground under his feet. Evil Jin's sword clinked loudly back into his scabbard as Neji began to scream, his lead arm sliding off his body. 

"Clean cut." Evil Jin turned his head and grinned over his shoulder at his convulsing opponent, "My control… is better than I thought." 

"How dare you steal my whole shtick!" I heard a girl scream from the contestant seating. 

"If you have a problem with it…" Evil Jin smiled up at her, "Get faster." 

This little bro got my blood pumping. I thought my clones were teaching these kids how to be shinobi, not how to be super cool manly men. Obviously I rubbed off on these kids in the best of ways. My enthusiasm lead me to jump up hollering and pumping my fist, and my peers glared at me for it. It's not my fault cheering when a kid gets disarmed is distasteful, I didn't make the international social rules. 

After returning to my seat jazzed up, two more of my shinobi made it down to the stage and put on a pretty great showcase of their abilities, the benefits of a mirror match in this setting. Using my Chakra I delivered color comentary to the whole stadium, guiding the people to the right opinions about the bout. After the next fight, 'Rasa' delivered a cold diss to his daughter after she lost to another of my genin, a little fast thing related to Mei who gave me a salute after the finish and slapped her ass, creating an auditorily pleasing plap that reached my ears far above still crisp and a visual spectacle of jiggle that'd brought a tear to the eye. 

These Extras are really extra, and I dig it. 

After that we returned to our regular schedule of Kiri mirror matches, all show pieces choreographed for maximum crowd pleasing. This continued through the first round until finally Ninja Anti-Christ appeared with his sensei in a stylized and exaggerated Body Flicker, arriving in a cyclone of leaves center stage long after the boy's match was supposed to start. Thank goodness Orochi and I didn't mind extending the kid some grace for a showing that would earn one of my genin a flogging. Never miss a chance to encourage bad habits among your rivals. 

"Money on the sand Jinchuuriki." I placed my bet and smirked at the Hokage, "Your Uchiha boy looks softer than baby shit and that gimp costume doesn't help." 

By this point, both men showed signs of deep resentment and agitation directed my way to the point I almost expected Orochi to abandon his plans to kill his sensei for the lols and target me out of spite. 

"Orochimaru…" Hiruzen growled, his eyes locked on me, "I've shown you courtesy enough!" 

Oh shit! The old man is popping off ahead of schedule, flipping the script on his loser student! Hiruzen stood up and ripped his Kage robe off, revealing his old school black and olive shinobi combat armor, his hands flashing through the seals for the Summoning Jutsu. 'Rasa' didn't move, obviously as happy to let the old man carry out his opening move as I am. In a burst of smoke billowing around the man in a moment of cinematic glory, the Monkey King Enma appeared behind Sarutobi Hiruzen with his arms crossed, mean mugging me. 

So cool. 

"Enma!" Hiruzen shouted and the large white furred monkey in a tiger skin vest transformed into a staff. 

And hit me right in the chest. 

As the extending adamantium staff started putting me through walls, I wondered on what possible sequence of events led to this moment, and ultimately decided that my confusion is maximal, now isn't the time to ponder such things. The staff finally stopped pushing me, ironically landing me in an armchair after plowing me through so many buildings. 

I flipped back out of the chair and rubbed my aching chest before cracking my neck and leaping back through the busted wall, putting a new hole through it. 

-meanwhile back on the balcony-

Orochimaru laughed aloud in his true voice, causing Hiruzen's spine to stiffen as a current of dread crept up his back. 

"Congratulations, sensei!" the man wearing Rasa's face declared full of mirth, "You managed to take a situation in which two Hidden Villages are invading your home, and with one strike you started a war with a third! Your genius knows no equal! Your mind is so far beyond us mere mortals your actions look like foolishness! Explain to me, sensei, your long lost student, how did picking that fight help you against me?" 

One of 'Rasa's' bodyguards triggered a powerful smoke bomb that covered the entire balcony in a moment, and the four people hidden under the cloak of their disguises spread to the four corners of the space. 

"Ninja Art: Four Flames Formation!" the four freakish guards of Orochimaru shouted in unison causing a barrier of purple flames to imprison all those on the balcony. 

Before the barrier rose, a blur of speed crossed the distance and hulking form of the Fifth Mizukage appeared behind the stunned Hiruzen with the Executioner's Sword over his shoulder. 

"Hiruzen." the huge jacked man greeted, seemingly unbothered by the scrapes and bruises gained by his violent banishment, "Let's see you grit those teeth." 

Orochimaru flinched from the impact of Zabuza's wrecking ball of a fist crashing into the old man's cheek, the impact spinning the Hokage sandals over head before the old man used the Adamantine Staff to block a kick that would have sent him flying into the barrier if not for his unbreakable weapon bleeding out his momentum by digging into the tilework. 

"As for you." Zabuza turned his devilish glare to Orochimaru, still wearing Rasa's face, "I hear you've gone farther than anyone else to avoid death. Undergone all manner of ritual and augmentation to ensure you will never die." 

Finally choosing to reveal his original face, the pale snake sannin yanked Rasa's dead meat off. 

"Indeed, I'd venture to say I'm one of the hardest men to kill in the entire world." Orochimaru smiled widely, incredibly proud of his achievements and always eager to go even further beyond. 

"Good." Zabuza's countenance took on a sinister quality even beyond his usual barbaric mien, an expression of sadistic darkness that almost intimidated the legendary shinobi standing across from him. 

"If you like that, you'll love these!" Orochimaru squealed in psychotic joy as he signed a jutsu, "Summoning Jutsu: Reincarnation!" 

"No you don't!" Hiruzen screamed, "Shadow Clone Shuriken Jutsu!" 

With a half sign the Mizukage released a Gale Palm that blew aside all of Hiruzen's thrown attacks. Between the three of them coffins arose from purple portals, and when the third began to rise, Hirzuzen signed a counter jutsu to stop it, but Zabuza signed a counter to his counter. 

"Finish the technique." He ordered the now frowning Orochimaru. 

"You fool, the Edo Tensai is forbidden for good reason!" Hiruzen screamed as the three coffin doors fell off, "Those resurrected with this technique cannot be slain, only sealed!" 

Before them stood the zombie bodies of the First and Second Hokages and their rival, Madara Uchiha. 

As they began to stir, Zabuza smiled widely, a fang filled grin, "I like my playthings extra durable." 

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I love that all of Jiraiya's work to not get Mist hostile was ruined by Zabuza being Zabuza. 

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