Entrée De Journal Trois: Listing

Nico slept a lot longer than I had thought that he would, but I wasn't going to wake him up because he obviously needed the rest. So, I waited. Kayla came in for her shift that next morning as I had traded shifts with her for the time being so I could work with Nico during the day without having to check on other campers and so I took the night shift and she took the day shift.

It was about noon by the time Nico had woken up. When he did, I got lunch for the both of us and took it into his room and sat his tray on his cot and sat down with my own tray in the chair next to his bed.

We ate in silence until I noticed that he had eaten a few bites.

"We need to work on your appetite," I said, "You need to be eating a lot more than what you just ate. And before you say anything, I know it's not going to happen overnight, that's why I said work and not you need to eat more,"

"I'm already aware," He mumbled, pushing the tray of food away,

"So, are you ready to work on the list then? Remember, you can have mental, physical, and emotional things that you want to work on on there,"

"Yeah, okay,"

"Okay, then," I said, grabbing the paper and pen from the table as I had left it there yesterday, "So, do you have anything in mind or do I need to suggest some things?"

"I, um, I think I have a few, but I don't have a lot, it's just a lot of mental things that I don't know if you can help me with or not,"

"Okay, do you feel comfortable with telling me or do you just want to write them down yourself?"

"I don't think I'm strong enough to write yet," He mumbled, clearly embarrassed,

"That's nothing to be embarrassed about, Nico," I said, "You're recovering, you're not just going to pop back into place,"

"I know, it's just frustrating,"

"I understand that," I said, nodding my head, "Now, what are those few things that you had in mind?"

"Don't laugh at me,"

"I'd never laugh at you,"

"I want to come to terms with who I really am and maybe work a little bit more on my feelings with Percy and Bianca,"

"That's good, but what do you mean by coming to terms with you you really are? Not meaning to invade or pry, it'll just be easier for me to help you if I know what we're trying to achieve,"

"I don't want talk about it right now," He said, "It's still too much,"

"That's fine, we can come back to that later," I said, taking a sip of water, "Okay, so with Percy and Bianca, can you tell me a little more about that?"

"I used to blame Percy for Bianca's death, but I realized recently that it wasn't Percy's fault and that I was blaming him for an entirely different reason that I'm not ready to discuss yet and so I guess I just want to come to terms with why I blamed him so much and I want to get over that as well as fully accepting Bianca's death,"

"That's good!" I said, "You're already improving and I know it may not seem like it, but knowing what you want is a good first step in healing,"

"Now what do I do?"

"Well, we can number which one of those three things you think is important to not really important and we can work on the most important one first," I said, "Now, ordering them may mean having to talk about them so that we can try and figure out which one is the most important one,"

"Okay, I just don't want to talk about coming to terms with myself yet, that also falls with the whole Percy thing,"

"Do you trust me?" I asked, I wasn't going to try to push him, but I also know that sometimes a push is all you need in order to get better, "I know from my own experiences, and I know, we're two different people, but sometimes it helps to know how others coped. Anyways, I know from my own experience, that in order to open up and feel better, I needed someone to push me because all I was doing was hurting myself even more because I was just keeping it all to myself instead of sharing it with others,"

"You think I need to be pushed?" He asked, looking up at me,

"I think it might help for you to be, yes,"

"Okay. I've never been open like this to someone before," He whispered,

"I want you to know that I'm a safe person and for everything you tell me, I'll do the same and tell you something about me,"

"Okay,"

"So, you can take your time," I said, "I'm not going anywhere,"

"I came from a time where this was not accepted," He started taking in a deep breath but he didn't have to go any further or say anything else. I already knew what he was getting at. He's talking about any sexuality besides straight, "You already know," He said,

"I think I know what you're getting at," I said, "And I'm sorry, I'm sorry that you had to deal with everything back then, but things are different now, people are more accepting,"

"Not everybody is,"

"No, but a lot of people are. People aren't getting killed or whatever for it anymore, they aren't getting put into hospitals to try and 'change their minds'. It's safe now, and yeah, sure, there are mortal parents out there who have gay kids and don't accept them. Yes, there are mental hospitals but those hospitals aren't for sexualities, they're for people who are trying to kill themselves or are going so insane to the point where their parents can't take care of them. They're basically nursing homes for kids," I said,

"Jason's been trying to help me with this,"

"That's good, and since you answered a question of mine, I'll tell you that even though we were born in different centuries, I do relate to you in a way," I said, "I've been questioning my own sexuality and if I really am straight or not. I mean, yeah, sure, I'm into girls, but I'm also thinking I'm into guys which isn't uncommon for a child of Apollo,"

"We're more alike than what we thought we were," He smiled slightly. 'That was nice', I thought to myself.

"So, back on topic! Are you basically just experiencing internalized homophobia? If so, that is something that we can work on and get your brain into the habit of knowing that it's okay now and you won't be punished or anything for it. Or are you just scared of coming out because you're worried that you'll be punished for it?"

"A bit of both I think,"

"Okay, so we can work on both of those, but we'll do it separately and in two different parts. So first, we'll work on the whole knowing you're not going to be punished for it because if you know that you're safe we might be able to switch your brain around into fully accepting yourself and getting rid of that homophobia,"

"Okay," He said, "When do we start doing that?"

"After you have already healed," I said, "Physically, I mean. It won't do you any good to try and heal both physically and mentally at the same time. All it's going to do is hurt you even more," I explained,

"Okay, so what's wrong with me physically?"

"Well, you've still got a lot of darkness in you and your appetite isn't in good shape, neither is your physical health, sure, you may be lean and have muscles, but you're not healthy. You need to get some fat on you, Nico," I said, "Now, back with that list, what about Percy and your sister? We'll talk more about your physical state after we've finished this list so we have a place to start, yeah?"

"Yeah, okay," He said, "I used to like Percy and so I think that's why I wanted to blame him for Bia's death because I liked him and he also promised to bring her back to me and he didn't,"

"He was still new at being a demi-god at that time, Nico, he was going to promise something that he couldn't keep. A lot of do when we first get sent out on quests and when we first find out who we really are,"

"Have you ever been on a quest?"

"No, I haven't,"

"It's better off that way,"

"Camp wouldn't have me to keep them outta trouble," I laughed,

"Yeah, they wouldn't,"

"I know," I smiled, "Anyways, what about Bianca? We talked about Percy, so what's with Bianca?"

"I've accepted the fact that she chose her own death for the most part, but I still don't feel like I one hundred percent accepted that she died at all," He said, "I mean, I spent so much of my life with her just for her to suddenly be gone and I never even got to say goodbye," He started crying a little bit,

"Is it okay if I hold you? Sometimes tightness helps ground people so that they can calm down," I explained softly and he nodded, so I got up on the cot and took him into my arms, holding him firmly yet not too firm. Just enough for him to ground himself to reality and not slip back into memories that may be too painful to revisit at this moment.

We sat there for about ten minutes, and somewhere along the time, he had wrapped his arms around my neck, holding on to me, crying onto my shirt when I felt him nod his head into my shoulder letting me know that he was okay now. We pulled apart and I wiped his face to get rid of his tears. I know, it sounds couple-y but sometimes you just have to do what you have to do in order to comfort someone. When I wiped his face, Nico gave a small smile.

"You're going to be okay," I said, "In fact, you'll be more than just okay, it will take time, but I promise you that that time will be worth all the struggles you've gone through,"

"Don't promise something you might not be able to keep, Solace,"

"I don't break my promises, Nico, and I can tell you right now that I'm not going anywhere until I know that you're better and even then, you're still going to be stuck with me because we're friends now whether you like it or not. We're going to be best friends for the rest of our lives!"

"I don't do friends,"

"Well, too bad, so sad, di Angelo, I say I'm your friend and so that means that we're friends now. Having friends will also improve your health,"

"Just had to pull the health card, huh?"

"Always,"