Chapter 6 - Guilt

Days passed after the incident, leaving me feeling like I was losing my mind once again. I continued to take my medication, but as the days went on, it felt like it was wearing off quicker and I was debating whether I should go see my psychiatrist again.

If everything was real - Ponytail-guy, the ability to feel others' emotions, and the possibility that everything is part of something much bigger than I could even begin to fathom - then taking my medication was pointless.

But if I really was losing my mind, the psychiatrist might diagnose me with something along the lines of schizophrenia on top of my current whatever-it-is, and I will get more pills. Or I will be sent to a mental institute.

Kai has been staring at me a lot lately. And it wasn't his normal stare where he was admiring my beauty or something. He had this expression on his face that showed me that he was seriously worried about me. It was the type of worried expression that you see certain characters in zombie movies have when their loved one had been bitten by a zombie and they are wondering when the loved one would turn into a zombie.

I hated being looked at that way. He made me feel like I was mentally ill when I wasn't sick at all.

He dropped me off at work but before driving away, he rolled down his window. "I think you should take some time off work. Talk to your boss. Work stress isn't good for you," he said with his fake smile - probably thinking that I don't see how worried he really is.

I sighed, "No, why would I do that? I can't let us live on your salary alone."

"You know we can. I earn enough. And you can go back to work when you are better, your boss would be more than happy to give you extended leave and take you back." Kai was pleading now. His knuckles were turning white on the steering wheel.

I didn't like seeing him this way. I want to be the reason he smiles; not the reason for making him worry. I didn't want him to shoulder all these responsibilities.

I wish things could go back to the way they were.

"Okay. I'll talk to my boss." I responded. Kai's grip on the steering wheel loosened in relief. He smiled, "Good. It'll be good for you to take time off."

I said nothing.

"I'll see you tonight then," he smiled lovingly.

"Okay. Remember I'm going to my parents' house after work, so I'll be a bit late," I told him.

"I'll come pick you up... Or we can go together," he suggested.

I shook my head. "No, it's fine. I want to spend some alone time with them."

Kai's smile fell a bit, "Oh. Okay. I understand. Just let me know when you're there and on your way back home afterward."

I nodded.

"Okay, bye. Love you, Honey," Kai said.

I gulped down a lump forming in my throat, "Love you too."

~☆~

My last day at work went smoothly. My boss agreed to give me some indefinite time off when I asked him. He was almost too eager to give me time off. He looked at me like everyone else did - like I was a ticking time-bomb.

After work I went to my parents' house. I needed to be somewhere where people didn't look at me like I was a lunatic.

"Monkey!" Dad exclaimed when he saw me. He was already sitting at the dining table, waiting for the dinner that my mom was serving soon.

"Dad, it's so nice to see you," I said as we hugged.

He patted my head, "I'm so glad to see you're okay after everything." Mom came out from the kitchen and also hugged me, "We were so worried. But we knew that the heavens were always looking after you."

"Thanks guys," I said to them. A warmth filled my heart. I was so glad to be here and forget about everything that was going on in my life.

We ate a delicious dinner and had some ice cream for dessert. After cleaning the dishes, we sat down in the lounge, chatting away about everything and anything. We laughed at Dad's jokes and listened to his old stories of things he did in his youth, until he passed out, snoring away.

Mom and I made some tea and sat at the dining table.

"Why didn't you bring Kai with this time?" Mom asked.

I looked at my reflection in my tea. I looked exhausted and had terrible dark rings under my eyes. "I wanted to spend some time alone with you guys," I replied with a weak smile.

Mom raised an eyebrow. "I know you well enough to know that there is more to it than that. What's wrong? Are you guys fighting?"

I shook my head, "No! Of course not. It's just that..."

Mom waited for me to complete my sentence.

I sipped my tea and put it back down on the table. "It's just that I hate hurting him like this. I hate seeing what I'm doing to him."

"Oh, Honey..." Mom said and held my hand.

I looked up from my cup, and a tear spilled from one of my eyes, "He deserves to be happy. And he's sacrificing too much of his happiness worrying about me."

"He cares deeply for you, my darling. That is why he would do anything so you would be okay... Even if it means sacrificing some of his happiness," my mom said in a gentle voice. "Taking care of you also brings him happiness."

I wiped my tears with the sleeve of my free arm, "It's so hard, Ma. It's so hard to live like this."

Mom held me in her arms and patted my back, "Everything will get better, my dear. The stars want you to smile, so you need to smile. Look up. Everything will be okay."

~☆~

When I got home later that evening, Kai was fast asleep by our kitchen island. His head rested on his arms, which were crossed on the island. His face looked so relaxed and peaceful, it was a beautiful sight. It made my heart ache.

He must've fallen asleep while waiting for me.

I took my pills and then took a shower. When I got out, Kai woke up and smiled sleepily, "You're back."

I smiled back, "Yes, I am. Sorry for making you wait. Dad was telling stories of his youth again."

Kai chuckled, "Oh no. I know how long those can get. No need to apologize."

The room fell silent.

My guilt was weighing heaily on my heart.

"K-Kai--" I started.

He suddenly got up and streched, "Why don't you go to bed so long. I'll go shower and then I'll be right there. You look exhausted."

"But there's something--"

His eyes held sadness, but his mouth grinned, "Tomorrow. Now, sleep."

Then he left to go shower, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I wanted to tell him about how I feel. About how much seeing him hurt was hurting me as well. I wanted to tell him that I hated being the reason why he was in pain.

I wanted to tell him that it might be better if I was no longer part of his life.