05 >< Anything

SIMONE

I twisted my head to the side to gain a satisfying crack in my neck as I sat on the subway on my way home. I was exhausted. At least the tips were good. I could put them towards some new shoes. My hair was all over, my eyes were droopy and my shirt was stained. I really needed to get to bed.

I got home at three A.M , hardly awake. I checked on my sisters.

Raven slept with Lila and Mica slept with Coco. Mica fell asleep with her glasses on so I had to take them off. She needed contacts. After I made sure they were asleep, I did the dishes that they had left out during supper .......... well, not that they left dishes, Mica always just woke up for at mid night snack and ended up leaving odd items in the sink.

I then went to my room, changed into my pyjamas and fell asleep. Levi was sleeping with his back to me as usual, facing the wall, his breathing even. Honestly, who behaves this unhurt after getting shot? He really was different. I mean, he did say he was an assassin but I wasn't going to buy that and all. Bad for the skin ....... Raven said.

"Oh hey," Levi said, turning on his back to face me once I got in my blankets. I sighed and relaxed into my mattress.

"Sorry I woke you." I said, pulling the blanket up to my chin in an attempt to warm myself. The wind had picked up and so I had gotten a little chilled.

"You didn't really wake me, I'm just a light sleeper is all ...... also, the medication is messing with my sleep schedule." he said.

I yawned as tears gathered at the corners of my eyes.

"Really," I said. "well, I'm so tired. Had a busy night. Talk in the morning?" With that, I turned away from him and was pulled into the darkness double time.

I was peacefully asleep for a short while before I slipped into my nightmare........ again.

'No .... please no. Not again.' I said to myself internally, begging my mind to give me peace for one night. I couldn't work well with a groggy brain.

But that plea didn't help and I felt myself shrink, growing younger, living each miserable day backward until I was 17 again. Back to the day my parent died. Its unfair that I re-live that day every time I go to sleep, but I pretty much don't know how to avoid it.

My parents and I are seated in the car, driving home from my piano recital. It's pretty late so we left the others at home but that's ok. Raven will be so happy for me. We're all listening to my moms favourite songs and belting out the tunes together, smiling from ear to ear.

Current me is outside the car, looking at the younger version of myself and at my parents live the last few minutes of their lives. I'm banging on the window, trying to get them to listen to me, trying to get them to stop.

'Please!!!!' I beg and scream, tears running down my face 'stop now!! Please!!'

I have no option but to watch as my dad turns into a filling station and fills the car with gas.

I go into the convenience store to grab a few snack for Raven, Mica, Coco, Lila and me.

At this point, the now me is trembling, about to replay this scene for the millionth time. I know its futile but i try again, trying to hold my fathers hand but my fingers go right through him.

I stare at my dad long and hard, his tan skin, his dark suit, his dark hair and little belly that's slightly spilling over his waist band. The way he smiles at my mom with a twinkle in his green eyes .... and he way he winks at me when I walk out of the store.

I try to hug my mother, feel her warmth, but her warm brown eyes look past me, shining at the younger me and my dad. I then go over to the younger me who is brimming with joy, excited to go see my sisters at home. I stand back as i watch them file back into the car and my dad starts the engine.

My dad looks back at me and winks. I grin and wink back.

Present me is trembling now, gasping and shaking, the air not helping, not coming to my lungs fast enough. I close my eyes and turn away but the scene is burned into my brain.

My dad pulls out of the station and gets to the junction. He looks both ways and begins to cross the road.

Present me can't see this again. I can't take it. I shut my eyes.

I hear a speeding car slam right into our car. I hear glass shatter. I hear my screams. My mother tells me she loves me. I reach out for her ................

My memories zip to the funeral, me in a wheelchair, bandaged with multiple casts on my neck, leg and arms. Holding back the tears as my sisters break down all around me. I hold Lila in my lap and she's looking around so confused, looking frantically .... looking for mommy and daddy.

Raven is shaking and sobbing next to me. Mica simply wails, not caring what people will think. I want to wail along with her but I have to be strong for my sisters. Coco is as confused, I'm holding her hand and she's clutching my skirt. Even though it hurts, I put Coco on my lap too and wheel over to Mica. Mica places her head on my lap and continues to cry. I rub her back. Raven collapses to the ground with us. I wrap my arms around her as best as I can but I will not cry. I'm an adult, my sisters need me.

My parents go in the ground and my brain zips forward again, giving me no say in what I want to see and what I don't want to see. Ripping my wounds open again. I see all my doubts, my fears. Me losing my sisters, my sisters losing me. Getting sent to bad orphanages, splitting up. Me drowning in debt, all the pressures I carry on me now, trying not to trip and fall. The weight growing and growing, threatening to crush me. But I can't fall, my sisters need me. I'm not going to leave them. I can't.

All this and more, keeps slamming into me. All the things they need, things I can't give them. The sadness, the depression. I see myself almost blow up then ...............

I gasp and sit straight up, breaking into tears again. Crying hard for all those times I could never cry. I'm covered in sweat, I'm shivering and shaking. I almost let out a sob of despair, then I remember, there is someone else in my bed and I don't want to wake him.

He's been shot for goodness sake ............. more expenses. I run my hands through my hair and force myself out of bed. I need to see my sisters, I need to make sure they're ok. I need them to know that I love them.

I walk into their room and they're snoring lightly .......... well, Lila is snoring heavily, Raven sleeps like the lady she is. Mica spoons Coco and neither of them are in their blankets. I cover them up and peck their foreheads before I find the courage to go back to my room. I need a rock to lean on very soon and if not, I'm going to get crushed. For now, my sisters are my anchor, keeping me grounded and I shelter them from the world. I would do anything for them. Anything.

I get back into bed and check if Levi is awake. I didn't wake him, good. Those sleep meds are working. I try to get back to sleep but I'm shaking like crazy, I keep seeing faces hearing screams .......... its honestly too hard sometimes.

I check the time and I have a half an hour before I have to wake up and prepare my siblings for school. I realise I've had probably an hour of solid sleep before the nightmares and I've 'slept' for maybe four hours ...... I can't sleep again so I just roll out of bed and get my day started ......... despite the fact that my eyes are red as hell, I have a brain splitting headache and my body feels like its been run over by a train.

I'm doing this for my sisters. I could do anything for them. Anything.