Remembering The Past

It was a humid Saturday afternoon. Unlike some people who were busy planning their night outs, I on the other hand was stuck in my room. I was trying to be still and just treasure the silence that this time had brought me to just think and ponder on some things. It was rare. I was always in a hurry that I felt like I got so exhausted from the pressure outside.

I often surrounded with people – events, parties, gatherings, and other forms of socialization. There were times that it was my personal choice. Most of the time, I just had no choice – job, family, or friends.

I was already ready to journey into another world when suddenly, my phone rang. I peeked on it.

"Oh, it is my beloved best friend."

I had a second thought. "Should I answer it?" I was so lazy to talk about mushy stuff. You know, my best friend talked a lot. But most of the time, she was the one who's able to break that wall that I always built for myself.

"Hello?" I said.

"Hello, friend. I have a news for you. Remember our friends before? They are getting married. I cannot believe it." She said without any pause.

"Really? Who?"

"I want you to guess it." She said laughing.

That is one thing I didn't like about my friend. I hated this kind of conversation. I was very straightforward and a puzzle like this was not funny . . . at all.

"We have a lot of friends, Marian. How will I know?"

"But you know them well. You were even closed to them both. Start guessing."

I knew that whenever she was acting like that, I could not do anything but to do what she was asking.

"Okay – Jaymee? Diane? Kate?"

"Yes. It is Kate. Who is the guy? Haha."

I was becoming impatient but I got curious with whoever that guy was. I knew Kate. She was very pretty and kind. She was older than me. We became good friends for a while then later on, maybe we just chose to go away from each other due to unexpected situations. I loved this woman so much but I guess, it was just right to break that bond. Our friendship was engraved in my heart, though.

"Who was the guy? Please just tell me."

I mentioned several men to Marian until finally, I got it.

"So Kate and JC. What happened? Kate had a long time boyfriend, right?"

"Yeah. I don't know. It's been a while. Maybe they are the ones who are meant for each other. That's love." She said.

"Yeah, right!." That's all I could say before hanging up the phone.

She was right. Love could be so complicated. It is not how long you have been in a relationship but how committed you are in keeping that relationship last. I thought that was unfair. At least, on my part based on my experience.

Everyone was getting married. Several years ago, I also dreamed of walking down the aisle with the man of my dream. I almost did. Destiny broke us apart. Was it destiny? Or was it just our poor choice and selfishness?

I had some relationships in the past. Most of them were short-lived. I was not so sure why. I asked myself, "is there something wrong with me?" "Am I not worthy to be loved?" I was very loyal to a man. How come they did not?

Of all those relationships, one thing that hit me rock bottom was my last relationship. It was a 5-year old relationship. I thought that finally, I found the one. But I was wrong. He was the same as the other guy. I was thankful that God opened my eyes to see the truth.

Painful memories came rushing through and I felt a slight pinch in my heart. It was not easy to fall in love and be hurt – especially by someone whom you imagined to be your forever.

As I looked back, I still felt the heartache from that man I dearly loved. I swore. God knew how much I loved him. Maybe my love was not enough. I was not enough for him to start building his life with me. He wanted more. I became so important but he chose to seek more of this world.

"What if we were able to sustain that relationship?" Maybe we were already married.

I had moved on after two years. However, whatever I did, I still felt his presence. I promised to myself that I would never fall in love. In my head, I redefined love as luck. Sadly, I did not have any luck in love. I already had myself, my family, and my friends.

"Would I still long for love?"