The Suffering of a Psychopath Pt. 1

My name was called, except it wasn't Klei this time. Americans would rather pronounce James instead of Klei. Since my first name is James Klei, my last name is Robillos. They instead find it convenient to pronounce the other easier. I entered the psychotherapist's office and lied down on the chaise lounge since this was what I needed.

Which was to vent and let it all out by telling my story. Rather than telling my depressing stories to my arrogant psychiatrist, who jumps to conclusions and never lets me finish, he diagnoses me too quickly to his judgment.

And instead of helping me, he just gives me medications that never work. Instead, they make me feel worse no matter how much time I wait for them to kick in for months to years. They just made my mind go crazier.

"So you must be James." the female psychotherapist says.

"Oh, no. I am Patrick Bateman." I jested, and she chuckled at the joke.

"Don't tell me you self diagnose with psychopathy." She joked back with a charming smile with her eyes glittering through the sunlight beaming through the window inside the seemingly safe zone inside her office. Her name shows on her table, "Sammy Jaden Birta".

"Should we get started?" she asks.

"Well, this is going to be a long story. How much time do we have left for some alone time?" I said and smirked at her.

"How charming." She smiled, blushing, "But sorry, I don't date my patients. You have an hour."

"What if I tell you an interesting story of my life, and then I'll get double time? I just needed to let it all out." I said to her,

"Sorry, James. But you only have an hour. It's a protocol for each session."

"Alright… let's get started." I began my vent. "I'll tell you my story."

28th October 2021

I posted on the sub forum /r/sociopath. I know it sounds edgy, but it was worth it to get me inspired to start writing more books about psychological horror.

* * *

My post on a forum on the internet:

Posted by/skitzy29

21 hours ago

How to turn off the empathy switch?

Dumb Post

Ya'll gonna hate me for this. I'm expecting assholes to make me feel stupid because I have some mental immaturity due to my bipolar, instead please give some good criticism. And please, no edgy comments, just explain like an average person.

I know it sounds stupid. But I'm someone who's diagnosed with bipolar comorbid with an antisocial personality disorder. My psychiatrist called me someone too clever for him and thinks I'm pretty good at socialising, but what he calls my bipolar rage attacks are the problem due to depression. Until he started to notice some other aspects of myself, he gave me another assessment which diagnosed me with an antisocial personality disorder.

The thing is, both bipolar and sociopathy are similar. Grandiose self-worth, self-absorbing narcissism, cunning, creative thinking (could be used for manipulation), and I have done lots of research about it ever since. And he was right.

I was a considerable delinquent who shoplifted often and looked for adrenaline and abused illegal substances at the age of 14. At 15-17, I knew how to fake my crying. Especially when I literally do feel like shit. I at least cry a lot just for my parents to notice because I needed emotional validation. Because of how shitty and traumatising my past was as a child full of violent kids as playmates, who loved to fight to the point where I thought I wanted to fight as well.

I was a huge bully back then during elementary until I got bullied in high school. Now sometimes I go catatonic when I can't take my shit anymore, but I don't know if I go catatonic on purpose just for my father to give a shit about me, at least.

Because all he does is, call me a piece of shit and brainless most of the time, which I'm not exaggerating. I have Asian parents. If I ever try to tell people about my dad emotionally abusing me, he thinks I'm acting like the victim, so people will hate him for it when I get caught talking about him.

But sometimes I literally do feel like he's abusive, but sometimes I would go too far on purpose to make him look like the bad guy.

My psychiatrist noticed this, and I finally had insight into my behaviour. My dad talked to my psychiatrist about me having catatonic episodes because it feels like I'm dissociating from shutting down as a coping mechanism from too much stress.

My psychiatrist himself legitimately told my dad that I was only pretending to be like that, so he would care about me and give me what I wanted. Which made me feel like shit about it because it's bullshit.

Over the years, my manipulation towards my own family has got way too long that even my brother calls me a narcissist and a manipulative shitty brother. This time, I'm not making them look like the bad guy.

I know this is so much self-pity, but this was just to give some background about my sociopathy.

Even my own psychiatrist broke up with me and refused to help me from now on. I don't know where to find my medications now.

Anyway, the problem here is that after years of learning my goddamned lesson. I started to click on my EMPATHY SWITCH, which made it toxic towards me. My empathy switch is always on and never off.

I could feel everyone's pain and want to go back to being that psychopathic self I used to be because of how toxic it feels to give a shit about everyone. Another theory of mine is that this is a dissociative self that uses empathy as a coping mechanism to convince everyone I love that I'm manipulative and selfish and narcissistic and a trashy person. Wanting to change again just so they could love me again.

But now I don't want to be like that anymore. I just really don't care. I just want to turn off my empathy switch again.

harryholla

·14h

I think it's next to the dining room light switch, dear

TheGermanPanzerClock

·9h

I did something like that once, mainly by forcing myself to think in a cold and calculated manner and suppressing every bit of empathy I had. The reason being was that I wanted to be able to always make the right choices, choices that are not affected by my general mood or relationship with a person.

Just keep forcing yourself to do that. Sooner or later, it will actually become a habit of yours and from that point forward will, in fact, impact your empathy.

skitzy29

OP·2h

Thanks for this. I think this might work!

preppykat3

·2h

NPD

I'm a diagnosed narcissist with ADHD as well. I do have empathy, but it's selective. Sometimes it feels like I have a "switch". I'm not sure you can just learn to turn it off at will if you don't have that going for you already. I'm having the same issues, but I don't want to turn it off. I want to feel it more.

The way I practice empathy is by focusing really hard on someone's suffering and imagining myself in their shoes. And yes, sometimes it really works.

Good enough for me not to do something terrible. I guess my advice would be for you to do the opposite of what I do and simply not focus on it...? That's the only thing I can think of. Overall I think empathy is a beneficial skill to have in relationships, and being able to feel it helps me mimic people and get closer to them. I would rather have selective empathy than no empathy at all.