The Obsession Of Impulsive Compulsions

"Dad! The pandemic has ended! Can I go outside?" I asked my father excitedly.

"No. You're still mentally unstable!" He shouted back at me.

"W- what…" I exclaimed as I felt a spiralling depression and anxiety ready to take over and devour my soul.

I woke up with the sun shining through the tinted window of my bedroom. With a throbbing morning headache due to my caffeine withdrawal, I sat up slowly from my mattress, lying on the floor as I adjusted my vision.

"Thank god… it was just a dream." I sighed in relief.

I stood up and walked to the bedroom door to see the brightness of the great yet terrible morning. I saw the eggs and rice already prepared to be eaten. I walked into the kitchen and feasted my breakfast with the television on, announcing the end of the pandemic.

I was excited, yet only slightly due to my morning migraines. After finishing my meal, I walked to the stove, filled the kettle with water, turned on the stove and started to boil it. I took my mug and teaspoon with my father, preparing the small black bag of dark roasted instant coffee grounds.

Since I can't take more than one teaspoon, my father doesn't trust me to take more than one by myself. So he had to take one teaspoon by himself to put it in my cup. He knows how impulsive I am to take more than one teaspoon for the sake of intoxication and the speed or adrenaline/dopamine with the content of the caffeine. He knows I take too much.

I gave him the teaspoon as he took one small teaspoonful that looked small in amount rather than taking a vast teaspoonful. I was disappointed as he usually does this. I am still surprised he still does this.

He then poured the teaspoonful of instant coffee grounds made out of dark roasted beans. I took the mug with me and went back to the kitchen stove before the kettle whistled from too much heat. I didn't want my coffee too hot. Then I took the kettle with a rag and poured the slightly hot boiled water down onto my mug as the television news still celebrates the end of the pandemic in the country.

My dad put a red filtered cigarette stick on top of the fridge as a sign of giving it to me. I have an impulse problem with my relationship with stimulants or sedative drugs such as caffeine and nicotine.

Sometimes, my prescription medications such as antipsychotics like Risperdal, depressants or downers such as Xanax, but I wish to never take mood stabilisers such as Lithium. Because it ruins the speed. But I always loved the happy pills I used to take, my favourite antidepressant called Prozac. He knows that I take too much.

Which is unhealthy. I used to be a chain-smoker until my dad started to schedule the hours of my cigarettes and one teaspoon of coffee a day. I get too manic and go through a delirious, hyperactive state after taking too many stimulating substances. Or that I might die from overdose or go spiral down into the addiction of prescription drugs.

After pouring half slightly boiled hot water onto my mug, I swirled the instant coffee grounds and water to mix it with my teaspoon, then took my cigarette from the fridge and as well as the lighter.

I sat down to smoke and drink my cigarette and coffee simultaneously. I slipped the cigarette butt between my lips, sparked the cigarette while pressing the gas, causing it to flame up and inhaled the fire through the end of my cigarette to the filter and took a puff as I put away the lighter back to the fridge and sat down.

I took away my stick from my mouth and exhaled the fumes through both my mouth and nose and then started chugging my coffee to feel an instant intoxication of adrenaline. Sadly, it doesn't work anymore. I don't know why I still keep drinking coffee despite my tolerance, which made it stop working for me every morning.

I kept taking a puff from my cigarette, inhale and exhale, inhale and exhale. I kept doing that until I finished it down to the very end before the filter. Then I put out the cigarette onto the wall. This is fine because the house is still being renovated, and there's dirt, soil, and dust everywhere. It's completely unfinished. The sun was so bright today that it gave me worse migraines, yet the caffeine cured my headache because it was just withdrawal.

It's like this every day.

And I'm tired of it.

The same thing over and over again, expecting things to change.

It's my definition of madness, really.

I asked permission from my dad if I could finally go outside by myself.

And he said yes. So I went inside the bedroom, took my phone that had a quarter charged battery, and stole his earphones so I could listen to the fictional radio called Channel X from one of my favourite online video games, GTA Online. Which was saved on my phone.

I had to hide this, of course. But I wish I didn't have to, since my dad would lose his trust in me. And no one wants that.

So, I took my own earphones, which only had one pod, the left one. While the right pod of the earphones malfunctioned.

Ah, who am I kidding? I'll take his earphones!

Since I only wear boxers inside the house, my dad went inside to take out one of the shorts that fit me. I've got obese where barely any of my shorts fit me anymore. He took one out instead of me taking them. And he put it on the bed and left, telling me to wear these instead of my boxers outside, which will be embarrassing, of course.

I feel like a spoiled child, to be honest. This is true because I'm the youngest. I don't need to do chores, but wash my own dishes and not my dad's used dishes.

I never learned how to cook, go out on errands, do laundry, or even clean anything, even if I asked my parents if I wanted to do the work for them so they could relax. But they tell me that I don't need to do that, and they will do it themselves despite how old they are already.

I can't force them.

But my older brother and sister do all the work. Those are the pros of being the youngest, spoiled and not having to do all the chores.

But the cons of being the youngest is that despite you're an adult, your mom won't let you stay outside past 5 PM. And I still have that rule up until now. But my dad doesn't really want those strict rules from my mother.

He only doesn't let me drink alcohol outside even though I'm an adult because it interferes with my medications. He usually allows me to stay inside friends' houses and let me go outside until 10, which kind of sucks. I can't stay out after that, or he won't let me in. Otherwise, I'm grounded for a month.

There are more strict rules for being the youngest that I don't need to tell. Because you see the picture already.

My dad gave me a rule not to stay outside past 5 PM. But I asked him if I could extend the time up to 8:00 PM since I drink my medications at that time. He told me my mother was going to kill him if I did. Shit!

So, I wore my shorts and then headed outside after stealing the headphones under my father's mattress lying on the floor. I also took my special golden signing pen with a knife inside it. Which he doesn't know even today.

I ordered this pretending for them to give it to me for Christmas as I ordered it in an online store and a particular journal. I added the "special journal" so it looks like there's nothing inside the knife. Since they know how sneaky I am.

I brought my pen with me and then wore my dark grey mask. I still have the compulsion of wearing a face mask after 2 years of wearing it when my father takes me outside of the house. He can't trust me staying indoors while he leaves.

Because I escaped too many times no matter how secured the house was back, then in other homes we moved into. Even if he was with me inside the house, I always knew every escape route to leave the house anytime I wished. Until I stopped doing it to gain his trust slowly for 3 years and stopped escaping.

And then, I headed to the door with my father, unlocking the big thick chains of the house's front door locked into a huge, thick padlock.

I know it sounds crazy, but this is my life. I'm really that cunning, clever, and very manipulative. Except that consciously I'm not proud of being cunning/manipulative. But I subconsciously love myself too much for being a complete psychopath who knows how to get away with everything, except for that time that I shoplifted earphones back in SM Mall.

I was so calm, and some guy told me to take out what I stole and started spinning it while I took it out of my jacket. And I was so calm instead of fearing the consequences. And then, once they told me they were going to take me to jail for my actions. I pretended that I was crying after they refused my offer to bribe them. But it didn't work. But I was really convinced, though. I think? I don't know. That was a long time ago.